Does this make me a bad person?

So for the past 6 months I have attempted to get healthier.  I have in general been eating better, but I'm pretty terrible at denying myself things, so instead of giving myself a really hard time because a bear claw at Panera was calling to me, I will eat half of it one day, half the next, and run a bunch of miles in between.  Less denial, more miles.  I just came up with that and I'm pretty proud of it.

I never thought I'd get to the point where I actually need to replace my running shoes because I beat them up, but it feels pretty good.  I'm gonna treat myself and find a specialty running shop and let them measure my feet and whatever weird voodoo they need to make happen so I get really awesome shoes.  I hope they are neon.

I've basically had three goals since starting this change.

1. Be healthy
2. Log more miles
3. Drop some pounds

Yes, goal 3 is mostly because if I'm lighter I can run more and faster, but I have started to wonder if wanting to lose weight is anti-feminist, fatshaming, or something else awful.  I've dropped about 25 pounds since I started this, but I don't want it to be at the expense of being body-positive.

I know I'm in pretty decent shape.  I am not fast, at all, when I run, but my long workouts are creeping up towards 5 miles and I know I couldn't have done that 7 months ago.  Ice cream happens, but fruit and vegetables and eating when I'm hungry instead of bored happens more.  I'm down a jeans size, which was cool but more so because I now have pants that fit me.  Pants that fit are like the 8th wonder of the world.

But then I start to think about the entire concept of weight as a measurement of health, and then I hate myself for wanting to lose anything.  I should be measuring my overall health, and if I need to look at numbers, I should be checking my mile log to see if that's going up, not the scale to see if it's going down.  At my last doctor's appointment, I got irrationally angry once I got in the car because the doctor had told me "I'd like to see you lose a little weight" after I'd told him that I run 3-4 times a week, my blood pressure and pulse rate were awesome, I eat fine, I don't smoke, and so on and so forth.  The number on the scale was more important.
 
I've since figured out that my concern over weight loss can be split into two camps: one, pounds are generally a pretty shitty way of determining whether someone is healthy, and two, no matter what anyone says, skinny is still the beauty standard for America and extra pounds means you're gonna get fatshamed.

First camp, whatever.  I'll get angry about it sometimes (see above doctor conversation), but I know I'm healthy and getting healthier, so haters gonna hate.  I don't weight myself often, so I know I'm not obsessed with dropping pounds, and overall, whatever, I'm allowed to notice weight loss.  But the second camp?  I can't come to terms with it at all.
  
The country hates fat people, and fat women in particular.  Women are allowed (and encouraged, as if this were something we could control) to have "curves," which means breasts and an ass but nothing else.  Extra pounds means you're lazy and ugly.  Lines like "they shouldn't make leggings in sizes bigger than a medium" is treated as Pulizter-prize-winning wit instead of the cruel bullshit that it is. 

I'm still generally shy and embarrassed when I go to the gym, and that's really not okay.  I paid to be there and I wipe machines off after I use them and frankly that is all that should matter.  I am constantly convinced, however, that people are looking at me and judging me because I'm not a size 2 and I'm using a treadmill.  I live in fear that after a spin class some misguided lady is gonna come up to me and say "good for you getting through this class!"  This is a paraphrase of an article I read, but this basically sums it up: pretty much everyone at a gym is there for the express reason of not being me.  No one signs up for a year-long membership hoping to walk out looking like I do.

So does wanting to be skinnier (albeit mostly because I will be able to run faster and more) make me a bad person?  Am I buying into the bullshit?  Am I letting myself feel unattractive to the world until I'm down a few more sizes? 

Thoughts and advice?

Slight but important differences between Pennsylvania and New York drivers

I drove home for Thanksgiving, and it took me seven and a half hours. This is a three hour trip, and while that long in a car (I didn't stop because apparently "it'll take an extra eight minutes to get there if I stop to stretch" > "how do you know if you have a blood clot in your leg AM I DYING") isn't fun regardless of circumstances, I was doing between zero and five miles per hour for a majority of the trip, so my right leg was all kinds of painful.  The crowning glory of this trip was attempting to go over the Goethals bridge and slamming on my brakes to avoid getting hit by some girl with a rhinestone crown on her back window.  You won, princess, congrats.

I have since driven back to New York an additional time, so on these two there and back again trips I learned several slight, but key, differences between New York drivers and Pennsylvania ones.

1. Merging

New York drivers pretty much follow the one-car-from-each-lane-goes system when it's really bad and no one's fault.  There's always Entitled Asshat who drives up the shoulder and then attempts to merge ahead of like a hundred cars and then LOL OOPS NO ONE LETS YOU IN and I am not a vengeful person but dear God that is satisfying to observe.

Pennsylvania: while it seems like it would not be possible for this to be so, I am convinced that every person in Pennsylvania is Entitled Asshat, with a side of Drifty McDrifterson who just vaguely wanders between lanes and doesn't signal. It means I get to play a serious game of "this person will be in my lane.....NOW waitnope OKAY NOW" for a mile and a half on the turnpike.  Unless you have an axe wound wait your damn turn.

1a. Merging due to construction

New York: people try to get over immediately after they see the sign that the left or right lane is disappearing in half a mile.

Pennsylvania: people try to get over immediately after they've driven straight into a construction vehicle in the no-longer-present left or right lane.

2. Speed limits

New York: that is the speed at which you drive in the right lane.  55 means 70 in the left lane, 65 means 80, and you adjust for the speed of traffic.

Pennsylvania: 55 means 40 in the left lane with your turn signal on for at least 3 miles. You are unaware that any other cars exist around you.

3. Turning left with a green light

New York: you cut this close, always, but you speed up so the person with the right of way coming the other direction doesn't have to brake too hard.

Pennsylvania: turn left regardless of light color.  Left is the almighty ruler and everyone will brake for you because you have to get Jaydynn and Kartyrsen to soccer on time in your Escalade.  (STOP PUTTING Y'S IN YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG)

4. Cutting people off

New York: you do this, frequently.  You are not a jerk about it, and give the little "sorry I know I did something jerky please forgive me" wave.

Pennsylvania: LOLWUT THERE ARE OTHER CARS WHO KNEW

5. Toll booths

New York: you pick a lane near you and near the entrance ramp to the section of the highway you would like to be on.

Pennsylvania: you pick the toll lane farthest from your current position, have no idea where you want to go, and break down while you're next to the booth. 

6. Entrance ramps

New York:  ramp's short?  Floor it.  Get up to speed as quickly as possible and get over.  (Andrew, despite being a Pennsylvania resident, calls entrance ramps "launch pads" and is therefore doing it correctly.)

Pennsylvania:Oh, those cars are fast.  I'll just wait for a half-mile gap during rush hour and then slowly get up to speed.  Aw, there's like a cute little line behind me, I'm like a mother duck with her ducklings.  Aw, the guy behind me is even CALLING me mother duck!  I am adorable. 

PA, get it together, son.

The sweetest race on earth.

Okay, I don't think that's actually what the organizers called it, but they totally missed out on an opportunity because the race was at Hersheypark, which they call "The Sweetest PLACE on Earth" so clearly I should have been consulted when they decided to advertise.

Finally getting a chance to recap this, and it's kinda boring and a little gross and a lot long, apologies, but I want documentation that I did a 6.5+ mile race.  So please forgive me that I got all Dear Diary with this entry, and seriously, no pressure to read.  :)

We went on Saturday to the park because our race sign-up included free admission to the park.  I had never been before, and the park is super fun.  I think I liked it even more because it wasn't in the summer and wasn't unpleasantly warm so you could comfortably walk around and wait in line and then totally freeze on the coasters because of the wind. :)  We all ate pasta for dinner, and then finished off the night with smores.  I also learned that I make a combination of the TROLLOLOL and the Let Me Love You faces when pictures are taken on rollercoasters, and Andrew makes a face like FOR FRODOOOO!!!! so with the two of us combined I have a feeling that the employees of the park had a good time looking at our pictures later.

We stayed overnight at a La Quinta near the Harrisburg airport and I spent the evening pacing and laying out several combinations of clothing, and also attempting about 15 times to pin my bib.  I'm REALLY bad at this, guys.  Like, questioning-the-existence-of-the-spatial-awareness-sections-of-my-brain bad at this. If anyone has any tips on how to do this better (aside from handing it off to someone else) please share.  I'm not yet ready to invest in a belt, so I'll be pinning my bibs for a while.  This is assuming I continue to enter races and I plan to.  I am Regulus about this. Regulus = more serious than Sirius

ANYWAY

The bib did at least look pretty before I mangled it with metal.

 I am also a really big fan of having your name on it because then you get people shouting your actual name during the race and that is super great.



We got to the park mad early, and I actually abandoned my group because I was trying to find where to go for the halfway point.  Andrew got the first half because I made him do this and he preferred the first half so second half for me.  It was not at all obvious where to go, and I made a friend who looked just as lost as I did, and after asking like 4 different people we finally found the buses.  I felt like an idiot because they're BUSES, it's like not being able to find the T-Rex at Jurassic Park, but we got an e-mail from the race organizers the next day that was all "btdubs apparently not putting up any signs about the buses made it tricky for people sooo let us know if that was tricky and OUR BAD SORRY."  Felt less dumb after that.

Got off buses, waited for a while, got cold then warm repeat x5, then saw Andrew running up, dragged him through the arch, handed off my jacket, and began to run.  The first section was a hill.  Not cool, Hershey.  Two friends (who had already run the first half) caught up to me and we ran for 3 something-miles with no problems and lots of cheering, but then I had to walk.  Wasn't feeling so hot.  I continued the run/walk process for the rest of the race, and probably walked a total of three-quarters of a mile.  My legs were fine, my lungs were fine, my stomach was NOT happy.  The end of the race was in Hershey's stadium, and I picked it up for the last two-tenths of a mile or so and finished in under 3 hours.  Still not feeling well.

Grabbed the water and food they handed to us and consumed like none of it because my stomach was not having it.  Andrew and I head off to drive home and I make him take a picture of me because I want proof that I did this, dammit.

You know what's not pictured?  The next three hours.  Which were awful because I overdid it and took in like no salt/electrolytes/etc.  We're like half an hour on the road and I make Andrew pull over because I'm pretty darn sure I'm going to be sick in the next five minutes.  I never actually got sick because my body had nothing to throw up, but I was so miserable I was actively trying to make myself sick just to get it over with.  And I HATE throwing up.  It's the worst thing that can happen to me.  I would rather break a bone or get several dozen stitches or like, get punched in the face.  If I am a little nauseous I will sometimes start crying, so you can imagine what I was like during this ordeal.  Shaking, crying, apologizing.  In short, a mess.  I'm getting texts from my mom that are all "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU" and I'm all "I'M DYING" and I'm really not dying I'm just an idiot who didn't hydrate or eat properly and me and this guardrail are like best friends for the next ten minutes and my dad's calling his friend who runs marathons and he's like "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" and I'm like "NO I'M GOING TO DIE HERE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD" and Andrew's trying to nap.



After half an hour on the side of a road outside Lancaster, I get back in because let's try to at least get closer to home, and I figure I'll tell him to pull over again if it gets bad.  This gets requested in like 15 minutes, but I wanted to see if I could drink anything with sodium or anything because water was making me feel worse.  Gas station it is.  And again, apologies for oversharing, but any water I was drinking was immediately getting urinated back out.  Had some sips of Vitamin Water, and then realized I should not be drinking very much more.  I run in and get actual little salt packets, and proceed to eat two of them basically straight over the next twenty minutes.  Not pleasant but I did feel better pretty much immediately, and then kept getting better.  Andrew napped. 

Back on the road and home eventually.  Andrew got to sleep in his bed, finally, and I continue to fight off nausea for seriously a good 7 or 8 hours after the actual race is over. The longest distance I ran to prep for this was just shy of 5 miles, and I really thought I'd be totally fine, but bumping up an extra 1.5+ miles on race day is dumb.  I have since purchased and used a couple things after a 4-mile treadmill run to make sure this never happens again (energy chews, and this stuff called Nuun, which was a suggestion I heard at a doctor's appointment and never acted on, but seriously look this stuff up).  During training, I did feel nauseous on any run over like 50 minutes or so, but I didn't think anything of it.  Apparently it was a warning sign, and I need to replenish salt and some calories on longer runs if I don't want my digestive system to be like I AM STOMACH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS.

But you know what? It was still totally worth it.  I was miserable, and the weekend and even race day were still freaking awesome.  I could not have done any of this five months ago, and even though I will probably always be a back-of-the-pack type, I finished the stupid thing.  By this time next year, I'd love to run a full 13.1.  I think I can officially call myself a runner, and I plan to keep doing this.

I also need to continue to find races with finishers' medals shaped like candy.  Wish me luck.

Stop it with these GoT articles. Just stop.

Can I... can I just?

Everyone please stop writing these articles, please.  PLEASE.

I read Thought Catalog regularly, and I was sad to see this yesterday because I generally really like the author's stuff, but this one really bugged me probably because I keep seeing articles like this all over the place.  This post is spoiler-y if you haven't watched the show, but it's safe if you haven't read the books.  Which you should.  But here's the article.

10 Game of Thrones Guys and Whether or Not You Should Marry Them.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/10-game-of-thrones-guys-and-whether-or-not-you-should-marry-them/

Originally I couldn't quite articulate my rage for this particular article, and I am kind of sorry that it's all being directed towards this one article rather than at every half-assed attempt to demonstrate you like the show, but the rage can be split into 2 vague groups:

1. This isn't even that good of a list.

2. LADIES ARE FANS OF THIS SERIES FOR REASONS OTHER THAN "OMG HOW SEXY IS RICHARD MADDEN."

Let's break this down, shall we?  First things first.

A third of the list has been dead since 1996.  That's when the first book came out.  (Drogo, Viserys, and Ned, for those of you counting at home).  Which is why I found it kind of hilarious that everyone was OMG NED because I was legitimately 9 years old in the real world when he died.  I'm 24 now.  This shouldn't shock anyone who pays attention at all, but other sections of this list are gonna be deadsies as well.  This series is ridiculously violent so if you're gonna get mad that your fantasy boyfriend (or girlfriend! Whatever! It doesn't matter! Lots of people die!) died when the rest of the fandom has known it for more than a decade.  I'm only three years dedicated to this thing so I can't even imagine the poor people who have been in it since the 90s an would sell a kidney to get Martin to write faster. 

Now to the content: Pyat Pree?  REALLY?  That was the choice here?  No Jaime?  No Davos?  No Tywin? No Littlefinger?  No Jorah Mormont?  All so a joke could be made about the fact that he looks like a just-hatched baby condor with an affinity for grape soda.  WE GET IT.  DUDE'S UGLY AND LIKES DRAGONS.  Pick someone else. 

I'd also really appreciate it if everyone could stop acting like it's some kind of brilliant observation to point out that Joffrey is the dungbeetle of Westeros society at the tender age of 13.  The kid's awful.  We get it. He's awful and has stupid hair.  You wanna talk with me about how King Robert was basically as responsible if not more than Cersei for the way he turned out?  (I have feelings.  Don't judge me.)  We can talk then.  But the next person who points out that he is a punk and looks like that Cobra Kai dude that Daniel-san beats up and a sneer mated and had a anger-baby like it's some kind of Einstein brilliance is gonna get smacked.  Like Tyrion smacks Joffrey. Those clips you can continue to post, however, because that shit's the BEST.

And here we come to the bigger aspect.  I have to defend myself for this all the time but I read these books for the story and the characters and reasons other than to drool over Stark heirs and bastards.  I've been mad about this since the New York Times allowed an article to be published that said "i don't get why women would like this show it's so complicated and sword-y LOL."  This matters to me, so I keep track of things.  That article was similar to saying "I have a lot of friends but I don't wanna memorize their names and likes and passions so BYEEEE."  I care what happens to these characters for reasons other than Bone Marry Kill.  A Storm of Swords made me feel all the feelings.  I have so many Theon thoughts I wish I had a second brain to work them all out.  I am the Watcher on the Walls.  (Not really that one but I did just buy a mug with that written on it so close enough.)

The next person I hear assuming that the only possible reason I as a ladyperson could watch this is to count how many shirtless scenes Robb Stark has...by the old gods and the new, I will crush you.

Winter is COMING.  I named my right fist Winter.

It's ours now, b****.

Logged about 12 miles last week, all three treadmill workouts.  Not great but I'm easing back in from being sick, and my goofy late evening treadmill one on Wednesday was extra awesome because it was the longest one yet, about 4.3 miles!  Also I was racing the girl next to me and I won.  I won because I adjusted the rules as we both ran and because she did not know we were competing.  I should do that all the time, I'd always win!

I don't have a segue for this.  I just have some things to say, so here they are.  

Just to start this off: I love Louis CK.  I think he's absolutely hilarious and brilliant and makes you uncomfortable in the best possible way.  He's also absurdly self-aware.  He's white and male and a whole bunch of other privileged things, and he knows it.  This is evidenced in much of his standup, but I think it's extra clear in this clip.  Also, I'm assuming you know this, but don't listen to any of his stuff at work.  Like, ever.  Or in front of children or in-laws or interviewers.

However, there's one thing I don't think he understands, and that's the concept of "bad words."  In this clip, he talks about words not being bad, but that people use them to hurt each other and they become bad.  The three specific ones he uses as examples are (and I cringe even typing them), "faggot," "cunt," and "nigger."

I just can't agree with his classification.  No, the arrangement of the letters in any of those words is not inherently bad, and I can type them and say them in a discussion without any malice.  However, that word has a history, and it involves a time where people who looked like me could legally own people who had darker skin.

I don't get to decide whether this word gets reclaimed or not.  And words can be reclaimed: the most successful example usually cited is the reclaiming of "queer."  This word can now even be used by people outside the community (disclaimer: people who aren't saying it to hate) to describe those in it.  But THEY were the ones who get to decide.  My friends told me it was okay to use.  Straight, white girl over here doesn't get to decide whether hate speech directed at you and people like you is now okay or not.  You can say "nigger," but I can't?  Oh, wait, that's actually totally fair.  

There are many privileged groups I belong to, and I try to be aware of them.  I'm white, I'm able-bodied, I'm broke but not poor (there's a difference!), I'm straight, and there's more.  I don't get to decide whether it's okay to use TONS of words used to make those groups feel awful.  But I'm not male.  So I have a whole host of words to choose from that all make me feel worthless due to my absence from that privileged group.  I've recently tried to drop "bitch" from my vocabulary: it's a gendered insult.  I caught myself this summer using it to describe opposing counsel, and realized that it was an awful thing to do: yes, she was being condescending and rude and a whole host of other things, but none of those things had to do with the fact that she was a woman.   

And here's where it gets uncomfortable: I don't really want to hang on to those words.  I don't want to reclaim "bitch" or "whore" and especially not "cunt."  I don't want to call other women this, and it makes me really uncomfortable to hear them as greetings tossed around by other women.  "What up, bitch?" is cringe-worthy, and don't you dare tell me that makes me over-sensitive.

I'm "oversensitive" because men (and sometimes other women) have used and STILL use those words to make my existence less legitimate.  I'm not just mean, I'm a WOMAN who's mean, and that's worse, so I get called a "bitch."  "Cunt" feels even worse.  It means I'm horrible, I'm cruel, I'm worthless, and all of those characteristics are a result of having certain body parts.

Having some guy, any guy, tell me there's nothing inherently wrong with "cunt" is unacceptable because it's not true.  The second you can separate centuries of discrimination and stereotypes from that word, it's yours to use.  Until then, no dice. 

Tebow'd.

I've logged like basically no miles (like 3or 4? maybe?) this week because I have a cold.  In other news, I was recently frightened by a kitten and refused to eat dinner because "the different foods are TOUCHING."  I'm kidding, but seriously I smell like Vick's and cough drops and I can't breathe very much but if there is any improvement tomorrow I'm going to spin class because BITE ME, SINUSES.

I'm going to try accounting for the miles I run each week, and maybe this will help me keep track and increase!  I apologize profusely for the slight humblebrag involved, but there's also a large amount of accountability if I actually post how much I run.  Writing "200 feet because I thought I was late to class" will be unacceptable.

I've been trying to figure out an answer to this for probably my whole life, but a minor incident made me start thinking more heavily about it: the concept of praying in public (Public Displays of Adoration?).


The Boy and I were at a diner after running that 5k (I RAN A 5K DID I MENTION THAT I'M REALLY AWESOME), blatantly replenishing about sixteen times the amount of calories that we had burned that morning (NO REGRETS).  We showed up in running attire but at least remembered at the last second to remove our bibs in case that looked way too braggy.  Both of us pray before meals, and this means not just at home or among friends.  Granted, when we're with a group, we'll hold hands and pray out loud, but in public it's just a ten-second silent bowing of the head and giving thanks.

(Also Boy's name is Andrew.  I sound like an asshole when I call him Boy so let's be grownups now, shall we?)

Unfortunately for Andrew, the waitress returned to ask if everything was good right in the middle of his praying.  He mentioned after that this was the first time a waiter or waitress had actually caught him praying.  I kind of jumped in and said "yes, everything's fine!" since I had already finished, but he looked up all startled, because there's honestly no good way to be like "oh yo sorry, I'm sure my eggs and toast are delish but I was giving a shout-out to the Big Guy, didn't mean to ignore you.  How it do?" 

This made me really conscious of how I look if and when I pray in public.  It's not super frequently, to be honest: I pray before exams, I pray before meals, and I'll pray in church (does this count?  Like, before Mass starts?  Other peeps wanna chime in?).  And this is part of a larger struggle I have every day with displaying my faith: am I being a good Christian or an evangelizing jerk?  Am I witnessing or am I pretentious?  Am I engaging people or excluding them? 

I can't think of a better way to pray before meals in public than the mostly-private way I already do.  I live in a world with people, I am not a hermit, and therefore someone's gonna occasionally see me praying.  Is this bad?  I would love to talk to people about my faith...but only if they want to talk to me about it.  Does some minor, infrequent Tebow-ing ruin any credibility I have as a "non-scary" Christian?  I don't want to scare people away, but I also don't want to just never talk.  I've been trying to find this line for years, and I wonder if I'm anywhere closer to it than I was when I started.

Also, to sell Andrew out a little more, he may have ordered an egg-involved dish with a side of eggs.  Yes, you read that right.  And for the record I finished everything I ordered and had three cups of coffee.  We are an awesome and completely disgusting couple, who wants to hang out? 

Getting there

Hey all.

Yep, updated this to make it look prettier.  Something in my head was like "yo if you change this shiz up you will update more."  It's mostly that I think I just need to lock away an hour or two a week and post as consistently as I possibly can, and worry less about quality. 

Since we last spoke,  I have pretty much officially taken up running and really, really love it.  It took a couple weeks to not actively hate the world every time I stepped on the treadmill or the road, but I'm now actually realizing that I'm getting twitchy if I don't run.  Since I'm on a string of antibiotics currently (I'm blaming law school for consistently getting me sick even though that goes against literally everything I've learned as a biology major/I don't care/come at me, bro), I am actually not allowed to run for a week and I am PISSED.  I did my first ever 5k last weekend and now I'm hooked.

But please let me explain: I could place a tortoise on my treadmill and the thing would have few, if any, problems keeping up with me.  I am SLOW.  Empires rise and fall in the time it takes me to complete a mile, let alone 3.1.  Additionally, I'm not skinny.  I haven't really been, ever, even when I was playing soccer in high school and running about 4 miles a day before practice even started.  These two things often mean that I will hide while running.  I go to the basement level of my gym to run because the top one with all of its Lululemon scares me.  I run on the trail near the Boy's house because I'll generally only see families on bikes over a 3 mile run.  I'm down 15 pounds from when I started running in June but it'll be a while before I'll feel comfortable in shorts.

I'm not letting this stop me, and posting here is my new accountability.  I'm running.  I'm losing weight.  I'm sleeping better.  I feel better.  I'm registered for a half marathon relay in late October and by this time next year, I'd like to run the entire 13.1.

And I could use all the encouragement I can possibly get.  

E-mails I've gotten indicating eHarmony doesn't actually want me to be happy

I can't make this up if I tried, and this is also the reason I haven't unsubscribed to their e-mail list: it's just so freaking funny.  These are saved over like an 8-month period. (eHarmony we still cool because you clearly did something right by matching me up with Boy but you crazy)

Enjoy what would happen if Cosmopolitan and major depressive disorder had a baby and it grew up to be a writer.

• Ten Signs You Are Dating the Wrong Person
• 1. He has an identical twin brother and has recently stopped responding to his own name
• Are You Smothering Him?
• I have purchased several pillows recently so probably
• Nine Reasons Good Relationships Go Bad
• Men's Biggest Complaints About Women
• Women: Are You Too Independent?
• If your soul didn't cringe at this one perhaps rethink many things
• Relationship Killers: 9 Phrases to Nix Now
• The Top Eight Reasons Men Fall Out of Love
• The Ten Biggest Reasons You Get Dumped (Ouch!)
• Are You Accidentally Sabotaging Your Love Life?
• Nah probably doing it on purpose
• For details, see previous post discussing my Gollum voice
• Three Reasons Why He Won't Commit
• Nine Things You Need to Know About Infidelity
• When to Bring "It" Up: Defining the Relationship
• Also recently featured in Seventeen and iCarly
• I only recently found out the acronym "DTR"
• Don't judge me for not being hip
• The Five Do's and Don'ts of Commitment
• Make it Easy for Him to Love You
• Three Things That Will Sour Your Relationship
• This e-mail came with a picture of a lemon
• 2. Your impersonations of fictional characters are not as endearing as you think
• DAMMIT
• Kidding, no idea what the article actually said

Nerdy shit I've done in the past 6 months or so.

• Went to The Hunger Games on what was essentially opening night, with a themed Mockingjay t-shirt (thank you Megan)
• Some middle school doods were totes jeal
• Rewatched all of season/book 1 and most of 2 of Avatar: The Last Airbender
• Still working through them
• Started watching the Korra spin-off
• M. Night if you touch anything in this series ever again I will end you
• Pre-ordered to my Kindle the second book in a YA dystopian series that is not The Hunger Games
• The book (Insurgent) arrived at roughly 12:30 AM 
• I read the whole thing in one night
• This was during finals period
• Rewatched The Two Towers and Return of the King (extended editions)
• I'm working on perfecting my Gollum voice, it's basically the sexiest thing ever
• Anytime the Boy says something sassy I've started responding with "leave now, and never come BACK" and/or "not listening"
• While not having HBO, still manage to be up to date on Game of Thrones
• Oh yeah that's right because I read the books, homes
• Although I can respect the hell out of the no spoilers deal, because these books are long/not well known/yes they take time, it kinda makes me laugh that people are all angsty about not spoiling plot points that were published starting in 1996.  
• F'reals all us reader kids lol'ed a little bit about y'all freaking out over Ned: still heartbreaking, but we knew it was coming o hai schadenfreude 
• Also Arrested Westeros (GoT and Arrested Development mashup) is my favoritest thing in the whole wide world now
• Purchased a ticket to go see the wonderful people responsible for A Very Potter Musical on Tuesday of this week
• Yes I bought a single ticket
• Yes I will probably have to go straight from work
• Yes they've made several other online musicals and I've watched them all
• No I do not give a single f***
• In terms that normal people may recognize, Blaine from Glee was a founding member and played Harry
• Tutored a kid in biology
• They cover evolutionary bio
• I think I scared him because I got all excited
• Guys my book collection/speed at which I cover them is legit unacceptable
• I've reread every Terry Pratchett book I have at my apartment
• If you read his stuff and I don't yet know this about you can we chat plz
• Patrick Rothfuss, Brandon Sanderson, Gene Wolfe, N.K. Jemesin be authors of good sci-fi/fantasy nerdy shiz
• Also read Never Let Me Go and Atonement and I'm kinda sad and borderline ruined but in the best possible way

Guys if you are my friends/dating me please continue to do so despite all this I'M SO SORRY

My heart will go straight to the bottom.

A hundred years passed, and my brother and I discovered the new Avatar, a giant ship named the Titanic that's totes at the bottom of the ocean.

I was OBSESSED with the Titanic when I was little (morbid as hell, I'm aware), and I still geek out if someone even mentions it.  I can tell you the mechanics of how it sunk, the fact that the fourth funnel up there was just for show, how Bruce Ismay got absolutely scorned for being like "um women and children first? MOVE, B****, GET OUT THE WAY," the Carpathia was the rescue ship's name, and glass is what gets preserved the best under miles of water.

All joking aside, the entire history is fascinating.  The amount of hubris present is so overwhelming you kind of wonder if the engineers had recently read a Greek epic and were like "LET'S DO IT."  I'm pretty sure Mother Nature heard someone call the ship "unsinkable" and went "challenge accepted."  However, since a shitton of poor people had to die for her to make her point, this just reinforces the known fact that Mother Nature is a cruel mistress.

The entire thing was a microcosm of the world at that time.  First class had very high survival rates, while about one in ten men in steerage lived.  People were heroic; people were terrible.

And then we have TITANIC.  THE MOTION PICTURE.  A movie so bloated the iceberg itself unmelted and went hunting after James Cameron's modes of transportation.  A movie that decided a sinking ship wasn't dramatic and exciting enough and had to have an officer shoot people.  A movie that made everyone in the world legitimately hate Celine Dion for a year on average.  A movie that proves you can't have "Titanic" without "tit." (Too far?)

What's so ridic about it? LIST TIME.

1. Jack's Italian and Irish friends.  Stereotypes to the max: Fabrizio is basically what would happen if the Sopranos, Chef Boyardee, and ignorance had a baby, and I kept waiting for Tommy Ryan (yes, Tommy Ryan, was Seamus O'Reilly just too far or something?) to blurt out "they're after me Lucky Charms!" and toss out clover.  Also they obvs died in dramatic ways (CRUSHED BY FUNNEL! SHOT BY OFFICER!) instead of "oh for the love of God they probs drowned or froze like everyone else."

2. Billy Zane. I can't.  I CAN'T.  Like everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious because it's BILLY ZANE.  Also the movie gets infinitely funnier if you imagine Hansel from Zoolander coming up behind Rose every time Cal talks and saying, "Listen to your friend Billy Zane."

3. I legit feel bad for Rose's husband.  It seems like she basically lived her entire life with this dude according to a plan she made with another dude she knew for like 3 days.

4. That frickin' necklace.  The name sounds like a Celebrity cruise ship name, and because I'm a jerk, I regularly call it "Big Ol' Sapphire of the Sea."  It's also tacky (and I hate it).  Dolly Parton and the 80s both rejected it before it became a part of this film.  Also legit every museum curator watched this movie's ending and sobbed harder when she tossed it into the ocean than when Jack died.

5. Theoden King  sunk the hell out of a ship.  And because I'm a jerk I can no longer see this film without dubbing all his lines with "I know your face" and "dark have been my dreams of late."  It's also fun to dub them when he's staring out over the Atlantic with "Is this all you can conjure, SARUMAN?!?!"

6. The dialogue.  First of all, nearly 90 percent of it is the two main characters shouting each other's names.  My personal favorite is "you're so STUPID, Rose, you're so STUPID."  The rest is either camp/uncomfortably scripted/both.  "Jack, this is where we first met!" Are we joking here. Is this a joke.  Also "draw me like one of your French girls" still makes me giggle every damn time because I picture every meme ever with some chubby dog or cat and that text superimposed.

7. Rose's mother and Cal's butler-footman-type dude are both sociopaths and I'd love to actually see a movie starring the two of them in some kind of Bonnie and Clyde-esque psychological drama. But noooo.

8. Dramatizing the hell out of specific moments of one of the biggest peacetime naval disasters through needless complications.  Funnel crushes people.  First Officer turns into something like the bad guys in Braveheart and shoots people.  Poor little coal dude has to dive under that closing door like he's freaking Luke Skywalker.  Jack gets handcuffed.  Rose turns into Uma Thurman for two hot seconds to slice through metal and then goes back to being exceedingly waterlogged.  Jack and Rose get stuck behind gate.  Rose gets put on lifeboat.  Rose jumps off of lifeboat ("you jump, I jump, right?" GROOOOAN). Both hold onto ship.  Find piece of wood OH NOES it's not good enough for both of them so we watch really uncomfortably as Jack dies and Rose doesn't notice (sidenote, Rose almost certainly would have died from exposure in those few minutes as well, sorry to be a downer).  Rose delivers worst line ever and then promptly LETS GO, you LYING WINSLET.  Rose can't call out because voice is frozen? but swims and finds whistle.  Yay? Whomp.  Like, the movie got spoilered for everyone before they saw it, so kind of all of that was a waste. 

Does this movie make me feel? Yes, and I do get sad, but it feels like one long episode of a CW drama plus Romeo and Juliet plus a boat sinking plus ugh.  Sorry I'm not sorry.

I'm a problem solver: who wants me on their corporate team?

Aight punks, I just wrote an exceptionally long paper dedicated to caregiving (like when people take care of their family members without pay because they love them), and this is an issue exceptionally close to my heart, as my grandmother lived with me, my sister, and my parents for fifteen years. 

However, we are now all essentially Mount Doom-ed because all the people my parents' age are retiring soon.  You may have heard of this problem, it's only been on every aspect of news media all day every day since about 2007 (Linsanity! Wait, that's not right...)

So, after much thought and about 75 footnotes, I have a solution.
NO ONE RETIRES.  Stay with me everybody.

Social Security?  SOLVED.
Medicare? SOLVED.
Bored retirees showing up to Tea Party events? SOLVED.

This would also fix the job crisis among young people.   There would be a new booming career field called "Carrying the Old People Around at Their Jobs that They're Not Allowed to Leave."  All the young people would be fitted with a sort of geriatric holster and then cart their aged person of choice around an office, a factory, or whatever.

The Olds who put up a fight will all be sent to the same condominium complex where they will each be told that there is an upcoming election for the presidency of the complex but not actually told the date of this election.  They will also be told that they are the "perfect person for this position."  That way, the most difficult of the retirees will spend time battling each other, and also keeping local signmakers in business (Vote for EARL!  He's a PEARL!)

The ones who put up a REALLY big fight will be posted around our natural parks and any other parts of nature that we choose to protect.  They would get the title "Yard Guard" and legit just get to say "Get off my lawn, ya darn kids!" to ANYONE who tried to f*** with the environment.  They would not be armed, but they would be allowed to keep their canes and walkers, so yeah, kinda armed.

Y'all know this is brilliant.  Who's with me?

I'm going to be 24 tomorrow.

That is all. 

Oh, and the fact that I'm not exactly handling the aging thing so well.  I can handle white hairs, it's the responsibility that's tricky.

How not to talk to a woman.

Preface: this entire thing is gonna be crazy heteronormative, and I apologize in advance for that, but I really don't think that I am currently informed enough to speak about other types of relationships or interactions.
Additionally, yes, I am aware that not all of these apply to every woman.  However, the general ideas, I hope, ring true.

1. Don't cage her in.
I had assumed this was an obvious one, but it's apparently not.  If you are talking to a woman and her back is against the wall, do NOT stick out your arm and lean against the wall.  You may think you're being suave, or being relaxed, but what you are being is a human prison.  She'll feel like she can't get away.  Same goes for putting your arm around the back of a couch when she's sitting there.  You notice her squirming? It's because you've now placed her in your embrace and she's uncomfortable. 

2. Don't call her a slut or a whore.
The amount and type of sex this woman happens to have is frankly none of your business except for the amount she's having with you.  This goes the same for "prude," but since that word is not as terrible in society as the two I used, I'm focusing on those two.  I don't give a shit if the dress she's wearing is so small that it shows her Fallopian tubes; you don't get to say she's "dressed like a slut." Just how does a slut dress?

3. Don't tell her she's fat or skinny.
The next person I hear say "they shouldn't make leggings in any sizes larger than a medium, because otherwise fat people think they can wear them" and then chuckle to themselves like they just said something funny is gonna get cut.  What on Earth gave you the right to say something about any woman's size?  My personal favorite: "ugh, oh my God, there was this obese woman wearing a tank top and I swear to God her arms were the grossest thing ever."
F*** you, seriously.  You poor thing, having to look at someone's chubby arms.  You should just sue that woman for emotional distress and pain and suffering.  How dare she even be out in public looking the way she does?  And don't you give me that sanctimonious bullshit about "I'm just worried about her health."  You do not give a single damn about her health, you just don't want to see someone's "muffin top" out and about.
The same goes for "skinny," though it's less severe than "fat" because of sosighehtee again.  Either of these words: at best, you're making a woman feel bad about herself.  At worst, you're exacerbating an already present eating disorder. All this so you can feel superior.

4. Don't imitate her voice as a whiny, nasally irritant.
Stop it.  Just STOP IT.  You and every single male comedian in the last 50 years has decided that women, when just being the silly women that they are, sound like prepubescent boys with lisps who have just had their toy T. Rex. taken away from them.  None of us sound like that, but you seem endlessly entertained by hearing guys go "so this girl is just like 'listeeeeeennnn oh my God why aren't you listening to me I have something to tell youuuuu' bahahaha why are women so annoying?"
I wasn't aware that a higher pitched voice automatically made my requests invalid.  Noted. 

5. Don't "throw negs."
Negging, pick-up artists whatever else people are coming up with to just get those bitches to pay attention to them for 3 seconds because if they do, they'll see that I'm such a Nice Guy (registered trademark) and stop going for jerks like they always do because women are so stupid and don't understand that they should just appreciate what's right in front of them because I'm totally willing to pay for dinner so why the hell won't she put out.
Stop grouping women as "crazy bitches who don't even know what they want" and maybe one will talk to you if you're actually as nice as you seem to think you are.  Insulting her under the guise of trying to get her to pay attention doesn't make you cool or practical or "just doing what you have to do" it makes you an asshat.  My argument is not that it doesn't work.  I know it works.  My argument is that it makes you a terrible person who would sacrifice an insecure woman's self-esteem for the chance at a phone number.

6. Don't ask "why are women so crazy?"
We're not crazy.  You're gaslighting. Short of her setting your house on fire because you tapped your pencil too loudly, she's not crazy.  Generalizations are not your friend here, champ.  All women are not sociopaths, and emotions are not the same as insanity. 

I'm sure I've forgotten some, but you know how crazy women get: just a little anger and they stop making sense.

Sweatin' to the Oldies.

I am an occasional gym-goer.  If you average out my attendance in the past two years, I've gone once a week, but what this really means is that I turn into a juiced-up go-getter for two weeks or so and go nearly every day, and then taper off until my deltoids look like Flubber for a bit, and then drag my sorry butt to the gym once again.  It's a terrible thing, I know.  Which is why I am posting this on here, so everyone can know my shame, and I will hopefully then lessen the shame by finding a happy gym medium somewhere between unsalted butter and The Situation.

I am also a treadmill girl.  Most people say it's boring after like, 90 seconds, but for me it's time to not be staring at a casebook or grocery shopping or staring at a casebook or filling up my gas tank or setting a casebook on fire.  I get to zone out, and have thoughts like "wow, one of my ears is higher on my head than the other.  I never noticed that.  And now I get to spend the rest of my life noticing it YAYYY."  I don't generally have a certain time I need to do, or an amount I need to run.  I run until I can't anymore (sometimes that's a mile and a half, sometimes it's just the half), and then I walk.  When I feel okay again, I start running again.  And then when I can't, I walk, etc etc (COOL STORY, BRO)

I don't read.  I don't watch the TV (unless it's on Cash Cab because dang them gurlz get PAIIIID). I don't even listen to music.  I spend my 20, 30, 40 minutes getting gross and wondering why they made a Miss Congeniality 2.

And observing people, obvi!

And may I just say the one thing: I realize that this time is the time for the "New Year's Resolution people" to show up at gyms.  Seriously, y'all rock for doing that, and I hope it sticks, but it makes gyms more crowded, and I of all people understand that waiting for a treadmill is hardcore #firstworldproblems but also feels like the end of the frickin' WORLD when you have many things to do that day.  I don not WANT to wait, and my impatience could possibly end the world Mayan-style (that is, not at all, because I'm really not that mean).

My bigger issue with gym stuff is generally how I manage to get on the treadmill next to the offspring of Charles Atlas and a gazelle.  They start off their warmups at my "top speed" that I maintain for about 30 seconds at the end of my run to "power through" or whatever.  They all wear clothing that looks painted on, and painted on by Da Vinci.  I have turned into a bright pink version of the Canadian side of Niagara Falls and they look no different than when they started.  My steps sound Baby Elephant Walk-ish but less jaunty, and I am convinced that their feet are not actually making contact with the ground.

So, if you see me on a treadmill and my face is that nice mix of exhaustion and "I must look like a boulder that has grown legs" depression, give me a high-five.  But maybe wait like ten minutes for me to be able to lift my arm.

Let's get some resolutions up in here.

Hey all,

So, I realize that I am awful at updating this thing in a timely manner.  I want to find a way to update more, but since it takes an unreasonable amount of effort to churn out each individual Ming vase of word-paint, I will be forced into simply updating about more life-specific/less hilarious items. 

One of my New Year's resolutions is to update once a week.  If you see me in person or otherwise and it's been more than a week since this update, feel free to pistol-whip me (h/t Baird Bream).  Lightly chastising will work just as well if you don't carry.

Law school, part 4 (The Goblet of F... never mind) starts up on Monday.  I do not have grades yet, and won't for a while, so that means that what I WILL have is a series of mini-heart attacks every time the e-mail notification goes off on my phone because in my head it's a Pauly D-esque voice saying "GRADES AH HEAH."  Yes, I'm pathetic.  Yes, I did this to myself.  Yes, I could use some distraction. 

I am, however, rull excited about my classes, which is standard nerd cred right there.  Since 2012 thus far has included the extended versions of Two Towers and Return of the King, a purchase of Season 1 of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and a Settlers of Catan win, this looks like this is gonna be a good year for nerd cred.  Also, since Boyfriend is a gamer (just admit it, champ, it won't hurt), I have watched him play significant amounts of Battlefield 3 and Deus Ex, and hide behind his chair for some Dead Island.

It's okay, I know, you wish you could be this cool. 

My one thing to share with the world: when people have hiccups, stop giving them advice on how to cure them.  You will get no other response than "shut up, shut UP *HIC* no no no SERIOUSLY shut u-*HIC*" and you will deserve it.  Hiccups hurt, and when someone's like "did you hold your breath?! did you drink some water?! DO YOU WANT ME TO SCARE YOU BOOOOOO" all you want to do is punch that person in the face.  If you are that person to me, you will get punched, because you've now been warned.

I warn because I care.  Make me keep this up, y'all.