That is all.
Oh, and the fact that I'm not exactly handling the aging thing so well. I can handle white hairs, it's the responsibility that's tricky.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
How not to talk to a woman.
Preface: this entire thing is gonna be crazy heteronormative, and I apologize in advance for that, but I really don't think that I am currently informed enough to speak about other types of relationships or interactions.
Additionally, yes, I am aware that not all of these apply to every woman. However, the general ideas, I hope, ring true.
1. Don't cage her in.
I had assumed this was an obvious one, but it's apparently not. If you are talking to a woman and her back is against the wall, do NOT stick out your arm and lean against the wall. You may think you're being suave, or being relaxed, but what you are being is a human prison. She'll feel like she can't get away. Same goes for putting your arm around the back of a couch when she's sitting there. You notice her squirming? It's because you've now placed her in your embrace and she's uncomfortable.
2. Don't call her a slut or a whore.
The amount and type of sex this woman happens to have is frankly none of your business except for the amount she's having with you. This goes the same for "prude," but since that word is not as terrible in society as the two I used, I'm focusing on those two. I don't give a shit if the dress she's wearing is so small that it shows her Fallopian tubes; you don't get to say she's "dressed like a slut." Just how does a slut dress?
3. Don't tell her she's fat or skinny.
The next person I hear say "they shouldn't make leggings in any sizes larger than a medium, because otherwise fat people think they can wear them" and then chuckle to themselves like they just said something funny is gonna get cut. What on Earth gave you the right to say something about any woman's size? My personal favorite: "ugh, oh my God, there was this obese woman wearing a tank top and I swear to God her arms were the grossest thing ever."
F*** you, seriously. You poor thing, having to look at someone's chubby arms. You should just sue that woman for emotional distress and pain and suffering. How dare she even be out in public looking the way she does? And don't you give me that sanctimonious bullshit about "I'm just worried about her health." You do not give a single damn about her health, you just don't want to see someone's "muffin top" out and about.
The same goes for "skinny," though it's less severe than "fat" because of sosighehtee again. Either of these words: at best, you're making a woman feel bad about herself. At worst, you're exacerbating an already present eating disorder. All this so you can feel superior.
4. Don't imitate her voice as a whiny, nasally irritant.
Stop it. Just STOP IT. You and every single male comedian in the last 50 years has decided that women, when just being the silly women that they are, sound like prepubescent boys with lisps who have just had their toy T. Rex. taken away from them. None of us sound like that, but you seem endlessly entertained by hearing guys go "so this girl is just like 'listeeeeeennnn oh my God why aren't you listening to me I have something to tell youuuuu' bahahaha why are women so annoying?"
I wasn't aware that a higher pitched voice automatically made my requests invalid. Noted.
5. Don't "throw negs."
Negging, pick-up artists whatever else people are coming up with to just get those bitches to pay attention to them for 3 seconds because if they do, they'll see that I'm such a Nice Guy (registered trademark) and stop going for jerks like they always do because women are so stupid and don't understand that they should just appreciate what's right in front of them because I'm totally willing to pay for dinner so why the hell won't she put out.
Stop grouping women as "crazy bitches who don't even know what they want" and maybe one will talk to you if you're actually as nice as you seem to think you are. Insulting her under the guise of trying to get her to pay attention doesn't make you cool or practical or "just doing what you have to do" it makes you an asshat. My argument is not that it doesn't work. I know it works. My argument is that it makes you a terrible person who would sacrifice an insecure woman's self-esteem for the chance at a phone number.
6. Don't ask "why are women so crazy?"
We're not crazy. You're gaslighting. Short of her setting your house on fire because you tapped your pencil too loudly, she's not crazy. Generalizations are not your friend here, champ. All women are not sociopaths, and emotions are not the same as insanity.
I'm sure I've forgotten some, but you know how crazy women get: just a little anger and they stop making sense.
Additionally, yes, I am aware that not all of these apply to every woman. However, the general ideas, I hope, ring true.
1. Don't cage her in.
I had assumed this was an obvious one, but it's apparently not. If you are talking to a woman and her back is against the wall, do NOT stick out your arm and lean against the wall. You may think you're being suave, or being relaxed, but what you are being is a human prison. She'll feel like she can't get away. Same goes for putting your arm around the back of a couch when she's sitting there. You notice her squirming? It's because you've now placed her in your embrace and she's uncomfortable.
2. Don't call her a slut or a whore.
The amount and type of sex this woman happens to have is frankly none of your business except for the amount she's having with you. This goes the same for "prude," but since that word is not as terrible in society as the two I used, I'm focusing on those two. I don't give a shit if the dress she's wearing is so small that it shows her Fallopian tubes; you don't get to say she's "dressed like a slut." Just how does a slut dress?
3. Don't tell her she's fat or skinny.
The next person I hear say "they shouldn't make leggings in any sizes larger than a medium, because otherwise fat people think they can wear them" and then chuckle to themselves like they just said something funny is gonna get cut. What on Earth gave you the right to say something about any woman's size? My personal favorite: "ugh, oh my God, there was this obese woman wearing a tank top and I swear to God her arms were the grossest thing ever."
F*** you, seriously. You poor thing, having to look at someone's chubby arms. You should just sue that woman for emotional distress and pain and suffering. How dare she even be out in public looking the way she does? And don't you give me that sanctimonious bullshit about "I'm just worried about her health." You do not give a single damn about her health, you just don't want to see someone's "muffin top" out and about.
The same goes for "skinny," though it's less severe than "fat" because of sosighehtee again. Either of these words: at best, you're making a woman feel bad about herself. At worst, you're exacerbating an already present eating disorder. All this so you can feel superior.
4. Don't imitate her voice as a whiny, nasally irritant.
Stop it. Just STOP IT. You and every single male comedian in the last 50 years has decided that women, when just being the silly women that they are, sound like prepubescent boys with lisps who have just had their toy T. Rex. taken away from them. None of us sound like that, but you seem endlessly entertained by hearing guys go "so this girl is just like 'listeeeeeennnn oh my God why aren't you listening to me I have something to tell youuuuu' bahahaha why are women so annoying?"
I wasn't aware that a higher pitched voice automatically made my requests invalid. Noted.
5. Don't "throw negs."
Negging, pick-up artists whatever else people are coming up with to just get those bitches to pay attention to them for 3 seconds because if they do, they'll see that I'm such a Nice Guy (registered trademark) and stop going for jerks like they always do because women are so stupid and don't understand that they should just appreciate what's right in front of them because I'm totally willing to pay for dinner so why the hell won't she put out.
Stop grouping women as "crazy bitches who don't even know what they want" and maybe one will talk to you if you're actually as nice as you seem to think you are. Insulting her under the guise of trying to get her to pay attention doesn't make you cool or practical or "just doing what you have to do" it makes you an asshat. My argument is not that it doesn't work. I know it works. My argument is that it makes you a terrible person who would sacrifice an insecure woman's self-esteem for the chance at a phone number.
6. Don't ask "why are women so crazy?"
We're not crazy. You're gaslighting. Short of her setting your house on fire because you tapped your pencil too loudly, she's not crazy. Generalizations are not your friend here, champ. All women are not sociopaths, and emotions are not the same as insanity.
I'm sure I've forgotten some, but you know how crazy women get: just a little anger and they stop making sense.
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