Does this make me a bad person?

So for the past 6 months I have attempted to get healthier.  I have in general been eating better, but I'm pretty terrible at denying myself things, so instead of giving myself a really hard time because a bear claw at Panera was calling to me, I will eat half of it one day, half the next, and run a bunch of miles in between.  Less denial, more miles.  I just came up with that and I'm pretty proud of it.

I never thought I'd get to the point where I actually need to replace my running shoes because I beat them up, but it feels pretty good.  I'm gonna treat myself and find a specialty running shop and let them measure my feet and whatever weird voodoo they need to make happen so I get really awesome shoes.  I hope they are neon.

I've basically had three goals since starting this change.

1. Be healthy
2. Log more miles
3. Drop some pounds

Yes, goal 3 is mostly because if I'm lighter I can run more and faster, but I have started to wonder if wanting to lose weight is anti-feminist, fatshaming, or something else awful.  I've dropped about 25 pounds since I started this, but I don't want it to be at the expense of being body-positive.

I know I'm in pretty decent shape.  I am not fast, at all, when I run, but my long workouts are creeping up towards 5 miles and I know I couldn't have done that 7 months ago.  Ice cream happens, but fruit and vegetables and eating when I'm hungry instead of bored happens more.  I'm down a jeans size, which was cool but more so because I now have pants that fit me.  Pants that fit are like the 8th wonder of the world.

But then I start to think about the entire concept of weight as a measurement of health, and then I hate myself for wanting to lose anything.  I should be measuring my overall health, and if I need to look at numbers, I should be checking my mile log to see if that's going up, not the scale to see if it's going down.  At my last doctor's appointment, I got irrationally angry once I got in the car because the doctor had told me "I'd like to see you lose a little weight" after I'd told him that I run 3-4 times a week, my blood pressure and pulse rate were awesome, I eat fine, I don't smoke, and so on and so forth.  The number on the scale was more important.
 
I've since figured out that my concern over weight loss can be split into two camps: one, pounds are generally a pretty shitty way of determining whether someone is healthy, and two, no matter what anyone says, skinny is still the beauty standard for America and extra pounds means you're gonna get fatshamed.

First camp, whatever.  I'll get angry about it sometimes (see above doctor conversation), but I know I'm healthy and getting healthier, so haters gonna hate.  I don't weight myself often, so I know I'm not obsessed with dropping pounds, and overall, whatever, I'm allowed to notice weight loss.  But the second camp?  I can't come to terms with it at all.
  
The country hates fat people, and fat women in particular.  Women are allowed (and encouraged, as if this were something we could control) to have "curves," which means breasts and an ass but nothing else.  Extra pounds means you're lazy and ugly.  Lines like "they shouldn't make leggings in sizes bigger than a medium" is treated as Pulizter-prize-winning wit instead of the cruel bullshit that it is. 

I'm still generally shy and embarrassed when I go to the gym, and that's really not okay.  I paid to be there and I wipe machines off after I use them and frankly that is all that should matter.  I am constantly convinced, however, that people are looking at me and judging me because I'm not a size 2 and I'm using a treadmill.  I live in fear that after a spin class some misguided lady is gonna come up to me and say "good for you getting through this class!"  This is a paraphrase of an article I read, but this basically sums it up: pretty much everyone at a gym is there for the express reason of not being me.  No one signs up for a year-long membership hoping to walk out looking like I do.

So does wanting to be skinnier (albeit mostly because I will be able to run faster and more) make me a bad person?  Am I buying into the bullshit?  Am I letting myself feel unattractive to the world until I'm down a few more sizes? 

Thoughts and advice?

Slight but important differences between Pennsylvania and New York drivers

I drove home for Thanksgiving, and it took me seven and a half hours. This is a three hour trip, and while that long in a car (I didn't stop because apparently "it'll take an extra eight minutes to get there if I stop to stretch" > "how do you know if you have a blood clot in your leg AM I DYING") isn't fun regardless of circumstances, I was doing between zero and five miles per hour for a majority of the trip, so my right leg was all kinds of painful.  The crowning glory of this trip was attempting to go over the Goethals bridge and slamming on my brakes to avoid getting hit by some girl with a rhinestone crown on her back window.  You won, princess, congrats.

I have since driven back to New York an additional time, so on these two there and back again trips I learned several slight, but key, differences between New York drivers and Pennsylvania ones.

1. Merging

New York drivers pretty much follow the one-car-from-each-lane-goes system when it's really bad and no one's fault.  There's always Entitled Asshat who drives up the shoulder and then attempts to merge ahead of like a hundred cars and then LOL OOPS NO ONE LETS YOU IN and I am not a vengeful person but dear God that is satisfying to observe.

Pennsylvania: while it seems like it would not be possible for this to be so, I am convinced that every person in Pennsylvania is Entitled Asshat, with a side of Drifty McDrifterson who just vaguely wanders between lanes and doesn't signal. It means I get to play a serious game of "this person will be in my lane.....NOW waitnope OKAY NOW" for a mile and a half on the turnpike.  Unless you have an axe wound wait your damn turn.

1a. Merging due to construction

New York: people try to get over immediately after they see the sign that the left or right lane is disappearing in half a mile.

Pennsylvania: people try to get over immediately after they've driven straight into a construction vehicle in the no-longer-present left or right lane.

2. Speed limits

New York: that is the speed at which you drive in the right lane.  55 means 70 in the left lane, 65 means 80, and you adjust for the speed of traffic.

Pennsylvania: 55 means 40 in the left lane with your turn signal on for at least 3 miles. You are unaware that any other cars exist around you.

3. Turning left with a green light

New York: you cut this close, always, but you speed up so the person with the right of way coming the other direction doesn't have to brake too hard.

Pennsylvania: turn left regardless of light color.  Left is the almighty ruler and everyone will brake for you because you have to get Jaydynn and Kartyrsen to soccer on time in your Escalade.  (STOP PUTTING Y'S IN YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG)

4. Cutting people off

New York: you do this, frequently.  You are not a jerk about it, and give the little "sorry I know I did something jerky please forgive me" wave.

Pennsylvania: LOLWUT THERE ARE OTHER CARS WHO KNEW

5. Toll booths

New York: you pick a lane near you and near the entrance ramp to the section of the highway you would like to be on.

Pennsylvania: you pick the toll lane farthest from your current position, have no idea where you want to go, and break down while you're next to the booth. 

6. Entrance ramps

New York:  ramp's short?  Floor it.  Get up to speed as quickly as possible and get over.  (Andrew, despite being a Pennsylvania resident, calls entrance ramps "launch pads" and is therefore doing it correctly.)

Pennsylvania:Oh, those cars are fast.  I'll just wait for a half-mile gap during rush hour and then slowly get up to speed.  Aw, there's like a cute little line behind me, I'm like a mother duck with her ducklings.  Aw, the guy behind me is even CALLING me mother duck!  I am adorable. 

PA, get it together, son.