Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 4: Sons of the Harpy

This entire episode was one long terribly written chapter fanfiction mated with a foghorn noise with a dash of misogyny and a whole heap of racism
This stupid stupid stupid show
I was mad from the literal opening credits because they labeled Sunspear "Dorne" which it's not, Dorne is the country.  This is yes, kind of minor, but considering that Dorne is home to some of the few people of color we've seen on this show, it felt preeeeetty gross watching it.  It's like having a close up map of Nairobi and labeling it "Africa." Get it the fuck together, show.

More racism at 11 BUT FIRST

The Wall
Carice van Houten must have signed an agreement in Ghiscari which stated "we promise to keep giving you time on the show, but only in incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary scenes with your boobs out" because gurl WHY. The group I was watching with all legit said "OH COME ON" when that happened because why. why. why is this important or something that would work.  Jon is still mourning Ygritte hugely, and Melisandre, you can feel a heartbeart without undressing.  Learn to take a goddamn pulse, girl.  All in the wrists, HEYYYOOO.  And I didn't even LIKE Ygritte's catchphrase but can u not forever plz

Literally the only thing I can say I liked in this whole episode was the scene with Stannis and Shireen.  Shireen is still wonderful, and the scene with Stannis made up for his garbage one with Melisandre tenfold.  This is the stuff I want to see.  I also felt like it was consistent with his character to not say something like "of course I love you, you're my daughter" but instead to say something like "I was not going to let you die because you are my heir" which is a very Stannis-y thing to say.  Idk guys, I'm trying to find light in the darkness and right now it's basically only Shireen.  Additionally, I have started to see everything in this show in terms of Arrested Westeros, which is not a bad thing, so of course I immediately thought "Why are you squeezing me with your body" and so did my beloved Scuzzo, who texted me this quote at the same time.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
This is garbage.  This could have been the coolest thing this season because they cut the Greyjoys but no, we have decided to turn this into a Puritan witchhunt with shitty head tattoos and dramatic Westerosi opera music because fuck subtlety??? No no it's cool everyone knows Loras is gay???  Also King Tommen "Michael Cera" Baratheon, the First of His George Michael Bluth-y Name, King of the Andals and the Banana Stand is trying to talk and it's adorable but killing me.  I am however slightly enjoying this "I just learned about sex and it is now my sole motivation" because as far as teenage boy accuracy goes, yeah, spot on.
This plot line is not totally off in the show, but whereas the plotline in the book is a subtle embroidery of good politicking, bad politicking, betrayal, surprises, and religion, the show version is Mahler 6's hammer with a Wagner doing the soundtrack.  UGGGGGHHHH

Don't you touch Sansa
Clumsy poorly-lit plot exposition oh heyyyyy.  Not even gonna touch the "Stannis will save you don't you worry your pretty little head about The Worst Person in the World you're about to marry okay byyyyyye" thing that he does because ughhhhh.
Guys, if you're watching the show, and haven't read the books, genuine question: do you know or care who Lyanna Stark was?  I'd discuss this more but I don't want to get spoiler-y (even if it is just theories at this point).  I personally am fascinated by this back story, but it is, frankly, not hugely important yet to the plot.  It could be, for a whole bunch of reasons, but not yet.  But anyway, what's the general opinion for non-book people?  I'm annoyed at the way they handled this because OF COURSE I AM I'M ALWAYS MAD because guys, like, on the list of ways I'd like information delivered to me, "in a crypt by Littlefinger who then touches Sansa" is at the bottom, after "by a bullhorn directly in my ear" and "by Daario" FUCK DAARIO MAN 

The second worst thing on this show after Daario
Jaime and Bronn screw this entire goddamn plotline forever and this stupid show too.  I hate everything.  You KNOW a twist is bad when Bronn, fucking BRONN, has to be like "hey, uh, you can't really fight and you're like mega-recognizable what is the point of this diversion from canon."  The writers decided Jaime just repeatedly saying "it had to be me" was satisfactory.  You can't just throw words at an enormous, gaping plothole and throw in some garbage about hunting your brother and the plot hole is now *~*magically*~* filled.  And calm the fuck down, When Harry Met Sally, it did not have to be you.  It could have been literally anybody else and this would have made more sense.  Garbage.  Literal garbage.  That snake getting cooked was the best part of this entire sequence, and immediately after that was Bronn's decent "why the fucking fuck are you here."  I didn't hate Bronn for like one hot second, and then he got the line "all the Dornish like to do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck."  THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT FROM YOU HOOOOOW, SIR.  YOU ARE THE SAME.  TEN YEARS AGO, YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH JAIME'S GOLD HAND AND HONESTLY PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW ANYWAY JUST FOR KICKS.  STOP BEING RACIST AND WASH YOUR HAIR.

Racism but this time with women!
Additionally, we get our first look at the Sand Snakes, who inexplicably all look the same despite their mothers being completely different human beings plus Nym goes up to Ellaria who is, at best, a decade older than her like "MUM"
CAN WE NOT.  Guys, the oldest Sand Snakes are not related to Ellaria, they are not her daughters.  They are also not effectively gross racist clones of each other because every brown person gets styled the same????  After seeing the curved swords they gave to the Dornish men who got killed by Jaime and Bronn because ooohhhh dark people can't have straight swords, I am not even a little bit excited to see the portrayal of the Sand Snakes.  If you can't make actually different characters into actually different characters I am not even a little bit interested.  Plus, you cut Arianne, and it's looking more and more like you did so because you don't think we're smart enough to keep all these women straight.  Ladies be shoppin' or something????  Also Obara's story about choosing the spear is pretty freaking cool but ONLY IF WE'RE INTRODUCED TO HER AS A PERSON FIRST.  The script for this scene read like a bad romance novel where the dude is *!*~* super dreeeeammy*!*~* but inexplicably decides to tell you his entire life back story when you meet.  The other characters in the scene know this about her already, and the viewers don't care.  We've gone from Michelle Fairley's absolutely heartbreaking Season 3 Episode 9 script to this garbage.  I've read better fanfiction, and I'm UN-NOYED.

If you were wondering if I could get angrier JUST YOU WAIT

HAAAAAATEEEEEE
The last scene of this show made the least sense and I know it's just a show, I know, but HBO is touching things I love and ruining them and making money off of a lack of character consistency and killing off characters with important plot roles because they are not mainstream sexy?? or something?? and because we like to see things die for no reason???
Barristan Selmy, while a grandpa, is in fact undefeated in battle.
The Unsullied are raised from birth to no longer feel pain and be utterly superior to everyone else at battle.
The Sons of the Harpy are either 1. rich kids dressed in the Meereenese equivalent of Sperrys and polo shirts or 2. sellswords working for the rich kids and are assassins.  Like, secret.  In secret.  Not daylight.  In darkness.
If this show, if this fucking show, killed off Barristan (and it's looking like they really might have) to make narrative room for Daario I WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND.  EVERYTHING.  DO YOU HEAR ME, HBO???  DO YOU HEAR ME.  EVERYTHING.  DOWN TO THE REN FAIRE WHERE YOU WROTE DAARIO'S CHARACTER AND FOUND HIS STYLIST.

Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3: High Sparrow

Guyssssss I'm struggling to write these because things are getting less funny and more horribly wrong
Halp

Arya and The House of Black and White
Okay, so I do not HATE what they're doing with Arya.  Many of the scenes they're showing are not from the books, but they are really pretty cool.  I'll even ignore the fact that the entire lighting department took a week off when they were shooting her scenes and they had to emergency-hire some fireflies (seriously, The Faceless Men? more like The Squinting Men amirite), but unf, I like it.  The Waif is creepy as heck, and Jaqennnn I do not care even a little bit that you're decidedly not supposed to be here, Valar Morhaeris (All Men Must Have Your Excellent Hair).  Maisie absolutely killed it in her scene with Needle: I didn't cry because I did all my Needle crying in the books, but UNF.  The book line lists a whole bunch of things that Needle represents to Arya, up to and including Jon Snow's smile so no really it's okay I'll just go over here and soak in my own tears.  Anyway.  Freakin' show, man, but at least they're getting this right.


Speaking of things they're getting right

The Wall
JON MOTHEREFFING SNOW.  Hair so thick everybody in the room uncomfortable.  In the books, Janos Slynt is much more difficult for much longer, and it makes complete sense as to why Jon would have to execute him.  However, the  actual scene was pretty great, up to and including Slynt's begging for mercy and the moment of tension.  I knew what was going to happen, and I was still like "oh wait maybe he won't" which is just good television, y'all.  However

Speaking of things they're getting wrong? Stannis.  Bleh.  Stannis mocking someone for being too honorable is like a pot with a stick up its ass calling the kettle uptight. We apparently do not care about character consistency here, and Davos' presence is kind of screwing that up for me as well.  While I appreciated his pep talk, I miss his chapters from ADWD, since they were pretty freaking cool, and him being at the Wall is messing with my perception of Stannis, so I feel you, boo, but go find some Manderlys (they didn't cast them I get it I get it I just want it the way I want it okay)

King's Landing
I'd like to think I'm a mature human being.  I'd like to think I'm even more than that: so highbrow my eyes disappear into my hairline and I float above the masses like mist.  I'd like to think I'm an adult.  But hand to God when Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men said "it was over so quickly!" to Margaery on their wedding night I may have died laughing because I DARE you to write any other line for teenage boy (heck, any person ever) having sex with Natalie Dormer for the first time.  And honestly?  It was a very sweet scene.  I think it did an excellent job of showing how Tommen is genuinely a good kid, even if he is a bit stupid.  It is messing with the plot a bit to have him older (he's 8 in the novels and certainly not about to produce any heirs), mostly because if he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to show up for goddamn Small Council meetings.  Plus if Ser Pounce isn't around you don't even have a good excuse to not be there.  "I was hanging with my super cool cat" doesn't fly anymore.  THE POUNCE WAS GIVETH, AND THE POUNCE WAS TAKETH AWAY.

Yayyyy, unnecessary nudity wooo but the "it's always the Maiden" was a good line (the women are dressed up like the Seven, and instead of picking, say, the Crone, Mr. Septon here is going for the obvious choice like the naked old punk he is).
If you're sitting there like "whyyyy does the High Sparrow look so familiar?" it is because he was Governor Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean and stop pretending you were too cool to like those movies we all liked those movies plus dude had a sick wig.

This has the potential to be ridiculously amazing, since we've got a pretty cool dude as High Sparrow, and the show does seem dedicated to having this plot actually happen, but I am nervous, guys.  More nervous because Qyburn exists.  I knew that stupid thing was gonna jump and I STILL JUMPED. I am ashamed. I am just a little bit mad because we have decided to reduce the fighting to Real Housewives of King's Landing level (like who were Margaery's little groupies Do Not Understand) and turn this into a "women be backstabbin'" joke.  Margaery's comment of "what is your new title?" is even dumb, because yo you already got married to her other kid and her husband is dead so like...you're queen NOW after you and Tommen had the quickest sex ever known to man?  Nope.  Cersei was Dowager Queen at least an entire season ago?  Idk.  Also "hahaha Cersei has a drinking problem" is a straight up reality show line and I thought someone was gonna flip a table and I'm not here for that, guys.

Tyrion
Driving me up a wall.  The character and how he's being written and the implication that I still care about his moral center.  Just So Done.  Him flicking open the window again and again is like the medieval equivalent of some douchebag white kid whose dad is a billionaire complaining that the champagne served to him on his flight to Marseilles wasn't Dom, and they wouldn't let him open the windows on the plane not even for a second.  Shut the fuck up, Declan. No one cares about you and your first world traveling problems.   Tyrion is pulling the time-honored tradition of "I am rich so the rules don't apply to me" by murdering two people, getting away with it, and then instead of being grateful that he's alive, complaining about his accommodations.  I don't even like Varys very much, and I still would 100% support him in his choice to totally just stab Tyrion.  My favorite part was Tyrion going "I'm one drunk dwarf halfway across the world, what could happen?" Oh, I don't know, Brightest Witch of Her Age, maybe you get killed because they're killing every dwarf, or WAIT someone recognizes you and idk maybe kidnaps you or something uggghhh you're SO DUMB and I just want to tell you that some people have war in their countries. (someone please get this ANTM reference please please please)

The most ridiculous was our "oh no I am A Good Person I can't get it up for this prostitute" moment.  YOU KILLED YOUR LAST WHORE.  YOU KILLED HER. I do not care/it is irrelevant for your level of goodness that oh no you couldn't POSSIBLY pay this girl for sex because ****feeeeelings***.  Screw this show.  I am also absolutely convinced that one of his chapters in book 5 discusses the sex he's had since Shae but can someone confirm?  I spent like 40 minutes trying to find it and gave up because reading Tyrion's chapters is making my head hurt.

Sansa and Brienne and the Boltons


Brienne's monologue was actually pretty great, the whole "he kept me from being a joke" MY HEARTTTT.  Also precious Podrick is too good for this world and while I'm not so psyched with the weird plot changes, you know what?  Go ahead and rescue Sansa because OH MY GOD NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Put that thing back where it came from, or SO HELP ME

I called it I called it I called it I hate everything.  This entire plotline makes NO SENSE.  Why do this?  Why give her to Ramsay?  And I'm asking this both plot-wise and "you have a goddamn responsibility to not be repulsive, yes, you, yes, even when you're making a TV show"-wise.  Benioff and Weiss have said that this plot gives Sansa "something meaty to work with" because Sophie is such an amazing actress, and while she's a great actress, I am so. fucking. done. with "meaty parts" for great female actresses to be beginning and end list "at risk of or actually going to be raped."  STOP IT.  YOU'RE AWFUL.  You're basically implying that rape makes female characters more interesting.

Also, plot-wise, this is equally horrific.  Baelish saying to Ramsay that he's a mystery and he hasn't heard much about him is like...what.  You know everything about everyone and he's literally the worst person in this whole book series not a joke and you're GIVING HIM SANSA.  You KNOW, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE.  Roose then calls Baelish important or something which like, no, the whole point of him having to be tricksy is because he's from a nothing house, and to be like "you have the Vale" NO HE DOESN'T.  Even for people who haven't read the books: are you surprised when I say that in the actual books, the Arryn bannermen are mostly pretty pissed off that Petyr Baelish is in charge?  Oh, you're NOT?  Oh hey look at that marrying a lady and then her mysteriously dying a couple days later does not make you trustworthy.  None of this makes any sense, and the writers are doing it so we can force a "meaty" plot point of Sansa getting horribly mistreated.  I hate this. I HATE this.  My reaction to like 8 whole minutes of this episode could be summed up by a gif of Sophie Turner's "nope" head shake when Littlefinger tells her she's going to marry Ramsay.


UGHHHH GUYS THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME SO MAD AND I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT...WELL, EVERYTHING