E-mails I've gotten indicating eHarmony doesn't actually want me to be happy

I can't make this up if I tried, and this is also the reason I haven't unsubscribed to their e-mail list: it's just so freaking funny.  These are saved over like an 8-month period. (eHarmony we still cool because you clearly did something right by matching me up with Boy but you crazy)

Enjoy what would happen if Cosmopolitan and major depressive disorder had a baby and it grew up to be a writer.

• Ten Signs You Are Dating the Wrong Person
• 1. He has an identical twin brother and has recently stopped responding to his own name
• Are You Smothering Him?
• I have purchased several pillows recently so probably
• Nine Reasons Good Relationships Go Bad
• Men's Biggest Complaints About Women
• Women: Are You Too Independent?
• If your soul didn't cringe at this one perhaps rethink many things
• Relationship Killers: 9 Phrases to Nix Now
• The Top Eight Reasons Men Fall Out of Love
• The Ten Biggest Reasons You Get Dumped (Ouch!)
• Are You Accidentally Sabotaging Your Love Life?
• Nah probably doing it on purpose
• For details, see previous post discussing my Gollum voice
• Three Reasons Why He Won't Commit
• Nine Things You Need to Know About Infidelity
• When to Bring "It" Up: Defining the Relationship
• Also recently featured in Seventeen and iCarly
• I only recently found out the acronym "DTR"
• Don't judge me for not being hip
• The Five Do's and Don'ts of Commitment
• Make it Easy for Him to Love You
• Three Things That Will Sour Your Relationship
• This e-mail came with a picture of a lemon
• 2. Your impersonations of fictional characters are not as endearing as you think
• DAMMIT
• Kidding, no idea what the article actually said