Taking up the space generally reserved for your ego

Three things happened to me today and I wrote about them in this impolite post.  Swearing.  Anger.  Not funny.  I'm sorry, but it was this or light things on fire.

The first experience occurred in my yoga class.  This class is a beginners' level vinyasa flow class, which means the teacher is super chill and explains everything we're doing, but, like every other fitness activity, there is still some skill involved.  This class is very female-heavy (like I imagine many other yoga classes to be), but there are usually at least three men in each class.  Tonight, we had two new guys, who strolled in, grabbed mats, and strode right to the front of the room, where they established themselves.  This was mind-blowing to me, because in every class in which I'm a beginner, I tend to stay near the back so I don't distract people with any mistakes I will inevitably make.  These two guys were pretty chatty, and called each other "dude" and "man" in each sentence.  Guys, you're still in fucking yoga.  No amount of "dude," "bro," or "man" will magically turn that mat into a dumbbell or a game of pickup basketball or whatever your chosen weekend warrior sport of choice happens to be. 

I've been attending this class off and on for about a year now, and have probably made it to at least 30 classes.  The instructor usually tells us to listen to our bodies to figure out how far we need to stretch, if we need to take it easy, if we're having a strong day.  This was the first time I heard her add "make sure to listen to your body...and not your ego."  This was after the two guys in the front, despite being complete rookies, decided to try to stretch into every goddamn pose as far as the instructor and much of the class.  It's just women, right?  It's just yoga, right?  We can totally do this.  We do deadlifts.  Twenty minutes in, they finally got the fucking hint and one guy just got into child's pose for a few minutes because he couldn't do the current pose.  I would not have been surprised if one or both of these guys walked out with an injury because they attempted to do Lady Fitness.  Just to be clear, these guys were in no way disruptive or demeaning to the group, but their egos were running their brainshows.

After class, I went to Chipotle.  I got in line, giving the guy in front of me a good two feet of space.  The guy behind me, however, was close enough the whole time that I could hear the keypad of his smartphone while he was aggressively texting whoever the fuck he was texting that was so important that he didn't realize or didn't give a shit that he was touching my purse and the hood of my sweatshirt with his arm.  I was in line for ten minutes, and this only got worse.  I felt myself turning into a pillbug, rolling myself up tighter and tighter in an attempt to take up less space because whatever space I didn't take up turned into a buffer zone between me and the guy behind me.  This didn't work, of course, and the guy instead crept closer, eventually brushing my arm.  This isn't a New York City subway.  This isn't a concert.  This isn't any circumstance in which it would be any-fucking-where near acceptable for you to touch me.  It's somehow fine if you bump into me "accidentally," though?  The only reason you were able to bump into me is because you were way too fucking close to me in the first place.

 You're not the first guy to invade my space like this, and I doubt you'll be the last.  I don't know if you think you'll get your burrito faster if you reduce the gap between us, but please let me make this clear: you will get your goddamn food based on when the people working there give it to you.  The do not take out a ruler and decide you only get your barbacoa if there are fewer than four inches between your body and the next body.  You see me curling up?  You see me not smiling?  You hear me not replying when you apologize for bumping into me for the third time in the same number of minutes?  I frankly don't give a shit if it's deliberate or just negligence on your part: I deserve to take up this space and you currently do not.  Back the fuck up, and kindly never do this to another person, especially another woman, again.  Of course I didn't say any of this because that would make me look crazy, so I just paid quickly and left.

On my drive home, I nearly got rear-ended because the guy behind me decided I wasn't merging into the left turning lane fast enough.  Once we entered the on-ramp, he stayed roughly as close to my bumper as the guy at Chipotle stayed to my arm, close enough that I couldn't see his headlights.  Once we were able to merge onto the highway, he chose not to wait his turn and passed me on the left, flooring it.  I am 90% sure that his license plate read either "GAINS" or "GAINZ."  I'm so glad I almost got into an accident so you and your stupid fucking sedan with its vanity license plate could get to the part of the highway you deserve and arrive to your destination twenty seconds faster.  I am not dying because you don't know how to understand the concept of driving when other people are on the road. 

Bros of the world: Women. Occupy. Space.  Other people occupy spaces that you have no right to invade.  And your ego doesn't take the place of my comfort.  Get it the fuck together.

Look! I read things other than fantasy novels, I swear!

Don't believe me, it's okay.  Totally fair.  But I promise you, I do sometimes wander off and read something without dragons in it.

Below is an incomplete list of non-fantasy books I've read and liked in the past 2 years or so, and I've got reviews of the bolded ones below.  Some are sci-fi or dystopic, and I consider those non-fantasy, so I am sorry in advance.  If there's one on the list that I don't review but you'd like me to, please tell me!  I tried to review a variety so it didn't turn into "here's my favorite dystopian fiction," but perhaps that should be my next set of reviews.

In the order particular to my brain when I ask it, "Brain, what non-fantasy books have we read recently and enjoyed?", I present...

The Long Walk by Stephen King
Kindred by Octavia Butler
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
Foundation by Isaac Asimov
The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin
The Help by Kathryn Stockett
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Born to Run by Christopher McDougall 
 The Last King of Scotland by Giles Foden
The Magicians by Lev Grossman
The Children of Men by PD James
Ubik by Philip K. Dick
Bridget Jones' Diary  by Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason by Helen Fielding
Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood
The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood
MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood
Stardust by Neil Gaiman
Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston
Atonement by Ian McEwan
Winter of the World by Ken Follett 
World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult
The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult



Born to Run by Christopher McDougall
-Read if: you're a runner in any definition of the word; you like exercise science
-Don't read if: you want to punch barefoot runners in the face

On recommendation from another runner, and incredibly fascinating.  Part science, part personal travelogue, part weird history of ultrarunning (peeps who run like 50, 100 mile races across deserts and up and down mountains), the author knows what he's doing and you never lose interest.  The book revolves around the author's investigation of the Tarahumara, an indigenous people from Mexico, who seem to be basically built to run, and a race set up between them and the big deal ultrarunners from the States.  McDougall is a crazy good writer, throwing really complicated concepts at you in digestible language, and manages to hold suspense for this race throughout the whole book.

The author is definitely very pro-barefoot running, and I know this is a polarizing topic, so if you really can't stand the barefoot soapbox, maybe don't pick this up, or skip the chapter where he's advocating for it hardcore.  The book also might be harder to get through if you genuinely hate running.  However, I'd recommend this even if you're not a runner, and if you are, oh my God read it now. Especially read it if you need running motivation, because any time you finish a chapter of this book you're like I CAN DO ANYTHING LET'S GOOOO.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
Read if - you like crime/suspense; you like really flawed, unreliable narrators
Don't read if - you need to have faith in humanity after you're done; you don't have a block of 3-4 hours to knock this one out in one sitting

Finally jumped on the bandwagon, and this book was cray-cray.  Crime/literature, the book is about a woman who disappears on the morning of her fifth wedding anniversary and it doesn't look good for her husband.  Two narrators, the husband and wife, both unreliable.  Flynn is incredible about changing the voices, and I was super impressed at her ability to both flawlessly transition from narrator to narrator, and to give both narrators unique voices.

If you're in a rough place about the quality of the world and the people in it, maybe don't pick this up right now.  I say this because I had to put this down every page or so and reread something just so I could say "yep, people are apparently all sociopaths.  Like, all of them.  Literally everyone is the worst."  With that said, I still very much enjoyed it, and the author has considerable skill keeping the suspense going the whole time, to the extent that it's very difficult to put this book down.  Block out the time and read it. Worth the time, for sure.   

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Read if - you're a non-sci-fi person who wants to try sci-fi; you enjoy having feelings
Don't read if - you're not willing to have your life absolutely ruined by a book

Oh my God, read this book. It takes place in a relatively current England, and is in a sort of parallel world where clones are real, and they exist for the purpose of farming them for organs.  They do not live past young adulthood, and die (or "complete," as the novel calls it) after a series of "donations."  The novel is from the point of view of one of the clones, who is currently serving as a "carer," or a clone whose job it is to calm her fellow clones before they donate.  She covers her life up to the current day.  The science fiction aspect of it is the clones, but it's just straight literature after that: this is a novel about growing up when you don't actually get a chance to grow up.

I'm going to warn you now that this is not a happy book.  I was a mess for about three days after reading it.  However, if you are willing to invest your time and emotions, it will tear your heart out in the best way, and you will be left thinking about the book for weeks after you put it down.  Honestly, it's really NOT science fiction, it's not science-y in the least, it is about love and people and how we value both.  Read it.

World War Z by Max Brooks
Read if: you like the concept of a collected oral history; you're a zombie fan
Don't read if: you really can't get past the whole zombie thing; you can't handle unfinished stories; you're expecting it to be like the movie

Guys, I hate zombies.  Hate hate hate, will not watch things.  They terrify me enormously, and I don't understand how people think they are cool (they're your friends and family and they're dead but also alive and they're gross and they make scary noises and AHHH).

Keep that in mind when I say: I LOVED this book.  I've reread it twice.  It's simply fascinating.  The author goes around interviewing survivors of the Zombie War from all walks of life and all parts of the world: doctors, soldiers, housewives who became soldiers, government representatives, even an astronaut.  He's very good at crafting each person as an individual with a backstory and a unique voice, and he covers basically the entire world: China, Russia, India, Israel, South Africa and the States definitely get prominence, but he goes almost everywhere.  This feels at all times in the book like an event that really happened, and the author is fantastic about keeping his facts straight while also telling individual stories.  Yes, I was scared at times reading it, but it's just SO GOOD that I kept going.

If you watched the movie and think you might want to pick this book up: they're not the same at all.  I mean, still do it, but there's no Brad Pitt and the zombies aren't fast.  The one hangup critics have of this book is that each person gets like 10-15 pages max to tell their story, and for some of them, you really, really want more, but that's it.  The book also states in its intro that "you can go to any library and read a comprehensive study of the Zombie War," but obviously you can't, and I really wish it existed because I got so curious about everything!  Oh well.  Read this anyway it's the bestest and you know that's the truth because I am a Wimpy McWimperson NoThankYouZombies-type person.

The MaddAddam books (3) by Margaret Atwood
Read if: you loved The Handmaid's Tale, you like dystopias that feel like they could happen, you're really into environmental advocacy versions of Catholic hymns (stick with me here)
Don't read if: you need to not be sad at the end of these, you need to like all the male characters

Guys.  These books, I caaaaan't.  So good.  There are three: Oryx and Crake, The Year of the Flood, and MaddAddam.  The first book starts off after some terrible event has left Snowman, our narrator, alone with some human-like creatures, thinking he's the last of his kind.  He narrates his life up to that point, with a specific emphasis on his friend Crake.  Book two has two new narrators covering the same period of time while in an environmental religious fringe group, and book three uses one of those narrators to continue the story.

If you've read The Handmaid's Tale, you know how good Atwood is at dystopias, or what she calls "speculative fiction."  There's a bit of sci-fi here, but her craft is to make this feel like it might/could/will happen.  For example, there are lots of weirdly named products and companies in this world (AnooYoo ["a new you"] is the name of a spa, for example), and at first I thought they were ridiculous and unrealistic...until I realized I order Frappuccinos and don't think anything of it.  This stuff is real.  She does a good job giving her different characters unique voices, and even plays around with first and third person narration.

In case you haven't noticed, I seem to like "cry forever after you finish this" as a book genre, and this is no exception: these are not happy books, but they make you think so hard you almost forget you're sad.  I'd have to say I enjoyed the second and third books more than the first, and I think this is because Atwood (like many authors) writes characters of her own gender better, so you end up vaguely disgusted with Snowman at points.  If you can get past this, the series is just so well crafted I can't recommend it highly enough.  The third book recently came out so go start and finish now and then talk to me when you do.

Winter of the World by Ken Follett
Read if: you like well-researched historical fiction; someone recommended Pillars of the Earth to you but you just didn't care about that stupid church
Don't read if: thousand-page monster books are not your deal; you need POCs in your history books; you don't like switching narrators

This book is the second of a yet-uncompleted trilogy called The Century Trilogy, and it is written by the author of both Pillars of the Earth and World Without End.  All of these books are similar in structure: sprawling epics that cover real history through the eyes of some of the little people.  The first book in this trilogy is called Fall of Giants, and it starts, understandably, just at the turn of the 20th century.  The book has characters in Wales, England, Russia, Germany, and the United States, and the series has covered both world wars thus far.

I really, really like these books.  I truly enjoyed Follett's Middle Ages historical fiction, and if you did as well, you will love these books.  For me, the medieval stuff was freaking fascinating, but I am a weird loser who liked hearing about the sinking of the White Ship and learning about the Black Death: in case you haven't noticed I have a pattern of loving sad things with swords and poor hygiene. There are plenty of people who couldn't get into it.  If you're at all interested in the time periods he covers, and want to learn about the causes of wars outside of the acronyms we're taught in high school history classes, get at these two: they're SO good.  His descriptions of the Russian revolution and the Spanish Civil War are particularly heart-wrenching and great.

I will acknowledge that these are white people books, for sure.  There are certainly some people of color, especially in the second book, but none of his narrators are non-white.  Other than that, he does do an excellent job of allowing those without privilege (especially in their time periods) to tell their stories, including poor women, the disabled, single mothers, victims of abuse, gay men, and Jews.  This is not some "oh my gosh everything back then was just cuter and happier and better": this is some serious, heavy, things-were-awful stuff.  He does switch narrators frequently, so you can get confused if you're not keeping track of the characters, but to Follett's credit, he doesn't usually end on cliffhangers when he switches: it feels like the right time.  Just read these: they'll make you learn and feel all the feelings at the same time.

If you have recommendations for me, do it up in the comments!

I love "Love Actually," but it does have its problems.

On this tenth anniversary of its release, let me say this: I unapologetically love "Love Actually."  I watch it every year around Christmas, and usually hit some kind of weird patch in April or July where I must watch it and that happens.  I'm not proud of myself.  Joking aside, this movie is fabulous.  There's a whole host of relationships that are discussed, it happens in the wonderful month leading up to Christmas, and everyone in this movie is attractive and if you disagree with me you're wrong. Plus that little girl Joanna singing "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is literally everything I've ever wanted.

Much of the criticism you'll see of this movie has to do with its more ridiculous elements, and there are certainly things that happen in this film that are more than a bit unbelievable.  No, the Prime Minister doesn't look like that.  No, Colin Firth is not going to learn Portuguese and propose to you.  No, a kid can't just run through an airport.  But you know what?  That stuff is GREAT.  It makes you feel warm inside!

Let Hugh Grant be the prime minister and dance to "Jump."  Let Colin Firth somehow make Portuguese sound kind of attractive. Let a band pop up at the end of the wedding ceremony to play "All You Need Is Love."  Let tiny Jojen Reed (sorry kid, I don't actually know your name) run through the airport to his gorgeous girl without somehow getting tased and arrested.  I am 100% behind all of this ridiculousness.

What I'm not behind are the elements that are actually completely realistic, but hugely problematic.  Let's break those down.

1. This movie fat-shames
This took me a long time to realize (i.e. I only figured it out like a year ago, and I'm mad at myself for taking that long), but there are two plot points that fat-shame characters in this film. Emma Thompson also at one point describes herself as "feeling fat" and "only fitting into clothes once worn by Pavarotti," which is unfortunate, and could be one of the reasons Alan Rickman later cheats on her, but that moment is left out of this analysis, because she is the only person who comments on her weight.

The first is the most blatant, and involves the Portuguese maid Aurelia's sister.  Aurelia hints at her sister's size earlier in the film, refusing food and saying in subtitles "if you saw my sister you'd know why."  THANKS CHICA. However, this is nothing compared to what happens when Colin Firth shows up (admittedly adorably) to propose to Aurelia.  When he asks Aurelia's father for her hand, her sister is there instead, and her entire appearance is meant as a joke, as she is significantly larger than Aurelia is.  Their father even goes as far as to say she should marry Colin Firth even though she's never met him (because OBVIOUSLY she won't get a man otherwise!), and he rudely dismisses her later with "shut up, Miss Dunkin' Donut 2003."  The audience is meant to laugh here as well, and that is just all kinds of bullshit.  This scene might not be put into the film were it made now, ten years later, because I like to think that we've come a bit farther in our "not being giant assholes to people who look different from us," but who knows, really.  Regardless, it's not okay, and Aurelia's sister has just as much a right to be respected and Firth'ed as Aurelia does.

The second is more subtle but no less awful.  Natalie, the assistant to Hugh Grant's character of the Prime Minister, tells him that her boyfriend dumped her because "he said I was getting fat." (It doesn't matter, but this girl is of average size and I want her entire work wardrobe from the film like yesterday because she can WORK that pencil skirt. Unf.) Later, after several totally cute scenes of the two of them being cute, Hugh Grant mentions Natalie to his PR woman, and she responds "the chubby girl?"  Grant is awkward, and instead of being like "I'm the Prime Minister can u not with that shit" is all "oooooh wouldwecallherchubby?"  To which the woman responds "I think there's a sizable ass there, yes, sir.  HUGE thighs."  I hate everything.  Natalie's fat-shaming bothers me more, actually, because it isn't even a case of woman-on-woman competition for Grant's affections, it's just someone being subtly terrible and cruel in their descriptions.  Again, this is played for laughs.  Hugh Grant, you drove your country into a potential war with Bush-era 'Murica by doing the most British speech ever on live TV and calling Billy Bob Thornton a bully and you can't tell your staff to not fat-shame?

2. The cheating is all the women's fault
This has three specific instances that I can think of.

The first plot point involves Alan Rickman and his secretary.  He's clearly been married to Emma Thompson for a long time, and they have kids together, but his secretary makes it clear that she wants him.  This is obviously not okay, but the extent to which this movie makes her into a homewrecker is super over-the-top.  She dresses as a devil for their office's holiday party complete with horns (really? really?).  Her flirting is over -the-top, with her spreading her legs at her desk and saying that the venue she found for the party is "full of dark corners for doing dark deeds."  Alan Rickman, on the other hand, is portrayed as somehow like, tripping and falling into her bed, or something?  He just gets awkward when she flirts with him (instead of stating his discomfort, chastising her as is his right as her boss, or filing a complaint with HR), and keeps all of his communication innocent on the surface (asking her if she wants staplers or stationary for Christmas). We're even shown that he gets Emma Thompson a Joni Mitchell CD because "see look, he still loves her, he's still a good husband" and we're treated to a view of Rickman's secretary dressed all in red putting on a necklace he got for her. When called on it, he's just like "I was a fool," and looks sad, so we should feel bad?

Nope.  Nope nope nope.  It's not okay that the secretary is going after someone who is attached, but what Alan Rickman does is like a jillion times worse.  Stop trying to make Devil Secretary Homewrecker happen.  It's not going to happen. Both people deserve scorn here, but Rickman's character deserves more.

The second plot point is Colin Firth's character Jamie's relationship at the beginning of the film.  His girlfriend cheats on him with his brother, and he comes back to check on her while she's sick and he went to a wedding.  He discovers them, and her lines of dialogue are all sexually charged, while his brother's are more like "derp derp heh heh sorry bro."  This event is significantly less blatant than the first, and it is in fact the woman in the relationship who cheats this time, but still, we don't ever address that Jamie's brother cheated with his girlfriend and how that's a huge betrayal.  It's again portrayed as a woman being conniving and inherently ~*evil*~, while Jamie's brother just derped his way into his brother's girlfriend.  It reads very much like "lol, men are sooo dumb, right ladies?!" Gross.  They're both terrible, because they're both willingly ruining a relationship with Jamie.   

The third plot point is minor, but just as unacceptable.  At one point in the film, Billy Bob Thorton, whose character is literally every terrible American stereotype, has commented on Natalie's appearance and hit on her (despite his being married).  Hugh Grant later leaves the room with Thornton and Natalie, and when he returns, it's implied that Thornton has attempted to kiss her.  Grant later asks for Natalie to be transferred from her position, and while part of it is his attraction to her, he only does this after what is essentially her attempted assault, implying it's somehow her fault.  Natalie's Christmas card to him later apologizes "for the thing that happened," and she apologizes in person as well.

Um, what??? None of this is her fault.  Grant treats her like she had cheated on him, which is ridiculous, since you have to both state your intentions and then get into a relationship before you can get cheated on.  You didn't call "dibs," Grant.  She's a person, not a dinner roll.  Additionally, Thorton is a slimeball who clearly took advantage of "I'm the President I do what I want" to get closer to Natalie, and this is somehow her fault.  She was probably scared that she'd start a nuclear war if she hit him.  Stop being a punk, Hugh Grant.  

3. There's one instance of truly unhealthy relationships and it's treated as romantic

Guys, I have to say it: that sign thing with "to me, you are perfect" is actually the worst.

Let's back up. Peter and Juliet, played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and Keira Knightley, have just gotten married, and Mark, Peter's best friend, has apparently been distant and borderline rude to Juliet forever, in order to hide the fact that he's in love with her.  Juliet has recently discovered this fact, because she requests to see his video of their wedding, which is exclusively shots of her, without Peter.  She responds that Mark "never talks to [her]," and he says "it's a self-preservation thing, you see."  This alone rubs me the wrong way: he was willing to be a complete douchebag to Juliet apparently forever to protect himself.  Yes, unrequited love is hard, but he's never made his intentions clear!  This girl has clearly gone crazy trying to get Mark to like her, with no response.  Not cool, bro.

So, now that she knows, he shows up and basically proclaims his love to her in the form of cards, hiding all this information from his best friend.  She is complicit in this deception, telling her husband that Mark is carol singers.  After he explains his undying love and leaves, she runs down the street, stops him, and kisses him.  He walks away saying, "Enough. Enough now."

Y'all, I'm sorry, but this is bullshit.  This is how affairs get started.  All aspects of this are incredibly selfish, and poor Peter is sitting up in his apartment with no idea that his wife and his best friend just kissed.  It's not adorable, it's cheating, and seeing as Mark goes with Peter and Juliet to the airport in the "one month from now" scene, it's clearly not improved.  One of the cards Mark holds up states "without hope or agenda," and I totally don't buy that.  Of course he has an agenda.  I feel for him, really, I do, but he is being a terrible friend, and Juliet is being a terrible wife.  Yes, everyone wishes someone would show up to their door at Christmas and tell them they're wonderful, but you should not hope it's your husband's best friend.  Ugh.



If you can get past all of these things (meaning registering that they're terrible and moving on), this is still a sweet, lovely, feel-good movie.  I've been able to do that, and I still love this movie; I may go watch it right now. Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

The enemy's gate is down - review of Ender's Game

It unfortunately took me a full week after it was released to see Ender's Game.  I originally debated bringing a notebook (not joking) so I could write down everything, but I forgot, so if I mess up a line or two, I apologize.  And for the record, yes, I know Orson Scott Card is terrible, no I don't excuse his behavior, yes I realize I'm supporting him by attending his movie, yes I am conflicted about it.  I chose to go see it to support the others who worked on the film, to be able to accurately criticize the film, and because the film itself shows none of the prejudices Card holds.  I agree, it's still not okay, but I went.

The breakdown for me was things they did like the book and correctly, things they changed but I'm okay with, and things they changed that I'm NOT okay with.  Spoilers for the movie, the book, and minor ones for the whole series, plus mentions of Ender's Shadow.  I mean...don't read this if you haven't seen the movie or read the books?  Cool.  Let's do this.

Things they did like the book/correctly

1. The Battle Room
Oh my goodness, it looked SO GOOD.  I don't know how exactly they filmed it, but the zero gravity was incredibly realistic.  It wasn't exactly what I had pictured while reading the books, but it was visually stunning.  I'd also say the set development, from Battle School to the Formics' ships to the screens on which the Command School battles took place, all looked amazing, and those who created them should be commended.

2. The final battle
Not exactly how I pictured it (I don't think they needed the dramatic music behind Ender giving orders), but also really, really well done.  The trust the other kids have in Ender even though he's about to command them to do the unthinkable is pictured very well.  When Graff reveals that it was all real, Ender's dialogue is not exactly as it was in the book, but the whole spirit of the thing is absolutely perfect: your heart hurts for the kids, and Ender's line about "it's HOW we win that's important" is A+.

3. Mazer Rackham
Ben Kingsley is, as always, perfection.  Relatively minor role but he kills it.  And although it's sad to say that I need to give credit for NOT whitewashing a character, it is due here: I'm very happy they allowed Rackham to keep the Maori tattoos.
 
Things they changed but I'm okay with it
Sidenote: if you're mad that they made Anderson a black woman, you're silly/deal with it.

1. The ages of the kids 
Ender is six when he arrives at Battle School.  Asa Butterfield, the actor who played Ender, was absolutely fantastic and should win all the awards, but he is just so old.  Bean looks old.  Petra looks old.  Bernard, especially, looks old.  However, I know that to cast the film accurately you'd have to find child geniuses who are also actors.  Therefore, I understand changes had to be made, and Asa was 100% the right choice.  My boyfriend has not read the books, and when he heard that the kids are older in the movie than they are in the book, he responded with "that doesn't make it any better."  He's exactly right: the fact that the children are 12-13 as opposed to 8 doesn't improve the fact that they are soldiers being trained to kill. 

2. Ender's fight with Bonzo
For those who haven't read the book, the fight is significantly more awful: Ender strikes upward on Bonzo's face at nose level, and it is later explained that he fractured Bonzo's skull and drove it into his brain.  He's absolutely killed, and Graff attempts to hide this fact from Ender, but he obviously figures it out.  The movie made it look like more of an accident that Ender really hurts this kid, and it's not clear that he's killed.  However, this is a PG-13 movie, and I understand that watching a child destroy the face of another child would be a tough sell.  The way it was done in the film was still dramatic enough, and Ender still feels the pain from his actions, so I'm fine with this.

3. The explanations the adults hand to Ender
I'm still not sure if this one belongs in this category or the third one.  Let me explain a bit more.  Some of the things Ender figures out on his own (that Graff is making him a target during the launch, that his Dragon army is made up of misfits) are simply handed to him by Graff rather than Ender figuring them out on his own.  I'm not thrilled with the way that happens, because a huge part of Ender's skill is his ability to understand just how the adults are trying to screw with him, but since they were using voiceovers so sparingly and you can't be inside his head like in the novel, I get that they had to feed this info to the audience somehow.  Maybe it could have been done better, but it didn't wreck anything so it can stay.

Things they changed and I'm not okay with it

1. Leaving out Valentine and Peter's storyline
This one is my big annoyance.  The way that two teenagers essentially take over the political system of Earth through philosophy and the internet was one of the coolest parts of the book, and it's totally ignored.  I understand that they had a limited time in which to tell a story, but Valentine was turned into this sad, sobbing Ender-helper instead of the brilliant, sympathetic, and complicated character she is.  Frankly, I hated her scene with Ender on the lake, when in the book, it was my favorite.  Peter is there as well just to hit Ender once and then we basically don't hear from him.  It's also implied at the end of the film that Ender is going to travel the universe with the hive queen, but without Valentine.

The part that was most difficult for me with this is seeing Valentine and Peter used in the mind game and barely seeing them otherwise.  Those scenes were very intense for me in the books but barely had an impact in the film, because we know very little about Ender's siblings. (This is similar to the emotion, or lack thereof, that I feel for Prim in The Hunger Games.) I get that the moviemakers decided this was Ender's story, but I am really disappointed to see that they decided Peter and especially Valentine were expendable.  They're straight up not.  

2. Making Bean kind of annoying
No mention of any of the Ender's Shadow series whatsoever.  Bean makes a "your mom" joke.  Ender and Bean are Launchies at the same time, which throws off the whole power dynamic.  Bean offers up the fact that he grew up on the streets in the first ten seconds of meeting Ender.  This one might just be me, but I didn't "buy" Bean.  He felt like a whole different character.   The actor playing him did just fine with the awful lines they gave him, but I kind of wanted to drop kick him by the end of the movie.

3. The training leading up to the final battle
Final battle was done exceptionally well, but I'm not thrilled with the way they led the audience in.  First, Ender fails a mission, which for me was like "um you're joking right."  I know it's hard to show "we won but barely" on-screen, but Ender doesn't fail missions; that's kind of the point.  Also, at the last battle, all of the kids including Ender looked remarkably...bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, as it were.  They're supposed to be exhausted.  Petra's supposed to crash, along with several others on his team.  A three minute montage of their many battles and lack of sleep would have done the trick.

Any other thoughts?  Anyone think it was terrible? Amazing?  I'd love to hear about it!    

While you're waiting for The Winds of Winter

Alliteration!  Fun times!  I'm distracting you with exclamation points to ignore the sadness that creeps up when you think too hard about the fact that George R R Martin may not be done with book 6 until 2017!  We laugh to keep from crying!

Okay, but seriously, there are other books out there, and while you're not-so-patiently waiting for the next book, here are some in-genre suggestions for you.

The Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson
-Read if: you like really cool original magic systems, and you like to fear for your characters
-Don't read if: you absolutely must have sex scenes in your fantasy novels; you don't do well with dystopias

I really can't recommend these books highly enough.  Brandon Sanderson may be most well-known for finishing The Wheel of Time after Robert Jordan's death (confession time: I've only read the first two of that series and that was a while ago, I promise to go back and read them plz don't kill me), but truly should be more famous for his own original works.  He has a standalone novel called Elantris, and has started his own epic series with The Way of Kings, and a bunch more for younger readers, but this trilogy is about as good as it comes.  In this world, a long way back, there was a hero and a great evil...and the hero lost, leaving a ruined world.  The world has been split into nobles and commoners, and the main character of the first novel is a 16 year old commoner girl named Vin.  The magic, called Allomancy, is metal-based, and characters "burn" different metals to enhance their own abilities (you swallow and "burn" pewter to enhance your physical strength, for example.)  Sanderson's world-building is so, so good at the magical level, and once you reach the end of the series, you realize just how well he had to plot out the three books.

The relationships, both friendship and romantic, are strong enough to make you cry (I did!), but if you absolutely must have some kind of serious sexual tension; sorry, it's just not here.  The books are plenty R-rated when it comes to sex (castration, commoners used as sex slaves for nobles, etc.), but no one ever has it. Also the world can get crazy depressing at times (the commoners are basically slaves! wars! sacrifices! parents being the worst! main characters can just die!), which fits because it's a dystopia, but if you're not sold on a world where you literally have to every so often shake the ash off of things, and plants are just a dull brown, and your favorite characters can just freaking die, maybe don't pick these up.  But do it anyway because they're great and I said so. 

The Kingkiller Chronicle books by Patrick Rothfuss (trilogy, 2 of 3 are published)
-Read if: you like amazing first-person narration and a flawed hero; you like music; you like school stories
-Don't read if: you're impatient (author is on Martin's level at speed), you need a female narrator

Read these books now.  Just do it.  Your life will be enhanced.  They are the story of Kvothe, a man who is known as a hero in his world, but he's the one telling the story.  A well-known writer finds him hiding away running an inn, and Kvothe decides to tell his story and clear up all the inaccuracies to the legend.  He's brilliant and flawed, and you totally buy him as a Famous Hero and also as a stupid teenage boy (especially in his interactions with women).  He's at a university for much of the books, learning languages and science and magic, and the magic is totally believable, mostly because it has so many limits and you need to work at it.  They have final exams.  It's great.  Additionally, Kvothe is a trouper and plays the lute, and Rothfuss' descriptions of what music can do are just made of truth and might make you cry.  Rothfuss is simply an amazing writer and storyteller, and...just pick up the first book, The Name of the Wind. Just do it.

There's definitely quite a bit of downtime in between books, so if you don't do well starting in on unfinished series, this one may kill you.  I've been dying for several years now; I named one of my online accounts "Kvothe" in a fit of sadness and couldn't remember that I had done so when I was trying to log back in.  Additionally, there is a decent number of women in these books (varied, real women), but it is for sure about the men.  It can also be frustrating when it seems like literally every woman in these books wants a piece of Kvothe, even when he's a 15-year-old ginger punk.  I am still trying to figure out if the author is doing this on purpose (in a "teenage boys are sometimes dumb and don't know how to Woman" way), and it can get very eye-roll-inducing, but the ladies are still really cool.  Just...please read.  The writing is literally the best I've seen in this genre, and I need more people to talk to about these books.

Literally everything in the Tortall universe by Tamora Pierce (three quartets, one duology, one diary-form trilogy)
-Read if: you are or ever were a teenage girl; you love animals
-Don't read if: you absolutely can't stand a female narrator (AKA you're a chump), you hate shorter books

Duuuuude.  Read her stuff.  I don't care that it's technically young adult fiction, just do it.  This lady is the coolest and has been writing forever, and her world-building is crazy good.  Each quartet has a different main character/narrator, and all of them are awesome in different ways.  (Kel's my favorite, if you were wondering.)  Pierce is also a huge animal lover, and it comes across in her books.  All her heroines have super awesome animals (dogs, cats, sparrows, a baby dragon!) that are part pet, part friend, and part kickass warrior.

Her books are on the shorter side: no thousand-page epics here, as they're written for teens.  And I really wish there were more guys reading these books: Pierce suffers from the whole "books about boys are for boys and girls, but books about girls are ONLY for girls" thing.  But seriously, if you're going to make the argument that you "can't relate" to a young woman's story about becoming a knight simply because she is a girl, I will hunt you down and force-feed you these books.  There's no excuse, bros.  Do it now.

The Sword of Truth books by Terry Goodkind (finished series of 11 books with a couple more written after with the same characters)
-Read if: you like high fantasy epic tropes with some serious bad guys
-Don't read if: you can't handle a healthy dose of Objectivism with your high fantasy; you want to actually fear for the main character

All the tropes are here: common hero told he's special, wizard advisor, cool sword, learns things along the journey.  Richard Cypher is our hero here, and he's fighting against a world that is falling apart due to the actions of a ton of really, really bad dudes.  He's collects helpers along the way, who are actually all pretty interesting and diverse characters, including lots of women (and a dragon, of course).  The magic and history of the world is pretty cool, and for the bloodthirsty among you, there's plenty of battles to keep you busy.  And possibly grossed out.  Goodkind does not skimp on the blood and pain, and the baddies are real bad.  Other than the hero and the baddies, the other characters serve as pretty decent companions and foils to our hero: some bad guys are redeemed, and good guys are allowed to disagree with our hero.

That being said: these are for fun.  Don't think too hard.  The author is a big-time libertarian/Objectivist, but 9 times out of 10 the references don't show up too obviously and you won't notice it. The 10th time, it's so heavy-handed that it's funny.  However, if it's gonna bug you, maybe don't pick up this series (or skip Faith of the Fallen, which is the most blatant by far).  And if you're neck-deep in GRRM-style death where NO ONE IS SAFE, this series may bug you, because your faves are special and safe because they're the faves.  You can have a drinking game for every time someone said "you're a special person, Richard Cypher" and its variations.  If 11 seems too daunting, read the first four and the last three, and Pillars of Creation: the first four are solid, plot-wise, the last three are one story set at breakneck, fascinating pace, and Pillars gives you a new main character (Richard's barely in this one).      

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms or probably anything else by N.K. Jemesin (trilogy, others)
-Read if: you like reading books both about and by women of color; fallen gods are fascinating
-Don't read if: you need me to tell you how they end because I haven't read the third one yet (I'm sorry), you thrive on descriptive detail and need a world to be mapped out completely

This first book is so, so good I can't even...I just...yeah.  Please read it.  The world that's created has three gods in it, but they had a war many many years ago, and one was victorious, one died...and one is imprisoned by the ruling family and used as sort of a pet.  Conflict ready, set, go! The books have different narrators (I almost don't want to tell you that they're all women but they are), but they all deal with the concept of gods who are no longer as powerful as they are.  The second book's main character, Oree, is also blind, and while I can't speak to how well the author described what it is like to be blind, the fact that she made a female POC with a disability her main character while not letting those things BE the plot speaks to just how cool this author is.  Her prose is outstanding; I don't know how she does it, but every paragraph feels like good poetry.

I've only just finished book two of the three, and apparently the plotting is not as great as in the first two, which makes me sad, but even if you're not going to finish the series, please read book one.  Additionally, while the author does build a substantial history for her characters' current status, you're left feeling that there's so much more to explore in this world (it is called the Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, after all).  You'll have a vague fuzzy feeling in your head while reading because the author will sometimes leave sensory descriptions out in favor of describing feelings. This does not detract from the story and is simply a stylistic choice, but if you really like to hear about all the details (or you're on a Martin hook and need names for literally. every. person. ever.) it may bother you.  Just support this lady.  We need another Octavia Butler; we need like a million of them.


If you have any suggestions for ME in-genre, please leave them!  I'm always looking for new fantasy to pick up.

Why?! : sexy Halloween costumes, part 2

Did this one a few years back, but of course, they still exist, and they are sillier than ever.  Also, friendly reminder to my fellow white people: don't dress up as a person of color this Halloween or ever.  No geishas, no Gandhis, no blackface.  Got it? Sweet. Moving on.

Here's the first one: "sexy Katniss."

Seriously not even all that offensive, but what's with the pose?  "Oh, I always pose seductively when trying to kill other teenagers and carry medicine to cure blood poisoning."  Fun fact SHE'S 16.  Also note the flip flops.  Very Katniss.

Next, we have "sexy Mario," which the company names "Heroic Maria."

Go home, Spirit Halloween, you're drunk.

Complete with mustache necklace and guarantee that only the shittiest of pick-up lines with be thrown at you all night.


Oh, look, Sexy Avatar!  Neytiri, or whatever, those blue people.

"Oh, what are you supposed to be?"
"Culturally insignificant as of at least 2 years ago.  How about you?"


Now, we've got a few that are basically like "sexually immature characters?  What? Big words hurt no unnerstan give us moniez cuz be sexxi"

That, ladies and gents, is a sexy Care Bear.  I can't.

Next, sexy Jessie from Toy Story, who originally did not wear a skirt.

Excuse me while I paraphrase Woody, but "SHE. IS. A. TOY."  In a trilogy of movies made for CHILDREN.  LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOONE

Here's "Sassy" (no, really, that's what they called it) Pink Ranger.

I don't remember the Pink Ranger looking like a disco ball and the cover of Fifty Shades Darker had a baby.

Sexy lawn gnome.  No, that's cool and relevant and totally hot, keep it up.

And I'm just gonna leave this one here, mostly because I can't stop laughing. (It's sexy Darth Vader.)

I'd like to round up the last of the sexy Halloween costumes with the ones that make me think "what on Earth happened in the marketing meeting where costumes got picked?"

Here we have "Sexy A Clockwork Orange."

No, I'm sure this was on Kubrick's drawing board for the film.  A+, keep it up, droog.

And for your nightmare-having pleasure, "Sexy Silence of the Lambs."

That's supposed to be a straight-jacket-esque dress.  I am all kinds of offended and disgusted.



Have you seen worse?  Any self-made ones?  Please share!  Happy Halloweeeeeeeen

Sexism in Game of Thrones

Let me start: yes, I'm a huge fan of both the books and the show.  I'm not sure there's anything that would make me stop watching (obviously killing everyone doesn't stop me!), and consuming the story in both forms has been super awesome in general thus far.  But I wish to make this clear: you can be a fan of something and still want to criticize its problems.

I titled this post with "Game of Thrones" because I'll be addressing the show specifically, and not really A Song of Ice and Fire.  George R. R. Martin has done a pretty awesome job at including real, diverse women in his books.  They get to narrate their own chapters.  They are not stereotypes.  They get to fight their battles different ways, both stabby and sneaky.  They get to have feelings.  Martin was once asked why he writes women so well, and replied, "you know, I've always considered women to be people."  This man pretty much gets it as much as you can.  Yes, he's writing in a sexist world, but he doesn't act like it's okay, at all.  The only thing I can fault him for is sometimes making his female characters SUPER aware of their own body parts, particularly breasts, but...eh.  He's a dude.  Maybe he doesn't know, and I really can't be like "ahhh how dare you" over something so minor, especially when it's kind of funny to notice those moments.  Any real injuries women suffer in his books are the result of the world they are in, and not because he's a sexist jerk.

David Benioff and Ben Weiss, the show's co-creators probably are.  Or if they're not, they're playing sexist jerks quite well with their show's decision making.

Let's do this.  Spoiler alert for everything that's been in the show thus far: if you've watched through Season 3 you are safe.

1. Sexposition
Just...seriously.  They made up a word due to the gratuitous nudity in this show.  To summarize: much of the first season had significant plot points discussed while characters (nearly always women, frequently unnamed) were naked and/or simulating sex acts in the background.  The creators of the show have defended the practice, stating that there is plenty of sex in the books, but this is a weak defense that barely gets to the heart of the problem.  [I'll be using the word "whores" here because it's what's used in the show, but I am fully aware that it's not the preferred term for anyone who does sex work!]  The background whores are rarely given a name, and the one character who is, Ros, is killed horribly in season three simply to show the viewers, again, that Joffrey is awful.  (Also she shares some traits with two other brothel workers who happen to be women of color, but a racism analysis would need a whole post...not today).  Nearly all of these scenes are not, in fact, in the books: sex scenes in the books are between named characters.

This concept not only insults the women characters within the story, but the audience as well.  There is very little sexualized male nudity, contributing to the idea that only straight men watch this show.  It insults the female viewers, and also insults anyone who is trying to pay attention: David Benioff has said he pays less attention to plot when there's background nudity , so why put it in?  You don't get a pass for throwing in tons of naked whores by shouting "but there's sex IN THE BOOKS!"  Women are not decoration in these novels, but the show has allowed them to be.

2. "Yara" Greyjoy
Tiny point, but still: someone on the executive ladder made the decision that Asha Greyjoy, the daughter of Balon Greyjoy and all-around pirate-y killer, needed to be known as "Yara" in the show, because there was already a female character named Osha.  Again, insulting the audience, and again, sexist as hell: we don't care about the different women enough to remember they have different names.  We can have Robb Stark and Robert Baratheon, Tywin and Tyrion Lannister, Jory (Ned's man) and Jorah Mormont, but they're men and therefore important, so we'll remember them.

3. Talisa Maegyr
(Seriously spoilers here, don't read if you haven't watched all of Season 3)
Robb's wife in the show is different enough a character from his wife in the books that they needed to rename her.  Jeyne Westerling is her name in the books, and she's barely seen; young girl, very minor noble family, nice enough.  The show decided since everyone LOVES Robb, he deserves a legit love story...?  Anyway, Talisa is a compilation of every terrible "I'm not like other girls!" trope there is.  She's a nurse, and scolds Robb the first time they meet for causing pain and suffering, because she's...sassy?  (For those of you paying attention, Robb is a king who could easily have her killed.)  She talks about coming from Volantis, a slave-holding nation, and magically managed to arrive in Westeros to treat battlefield victims, despite giving no clear way to have traveled on her own.  Traveling on your own as a woman is deadly in this world, and acting like Talisa's so awesome she got here safely is some super bullshit.  Also if there are slaves in your home country clearly there's some stuff you can fix there.   She becomes pregnant with Robb's child, and then is one of the first killed in the Red Wedding by being stabbed in the stomach, right after she says the baby is gonna be "little Ned Stark."  (Robb's book wife gets to live through the Red Wedding because book Robb is smart enough to leave her at home when going to meet with the family with which he broke a pretty crucial alliance.  TV Robb is like #yolo.)

The show basically set up this awful stereotype as a support to a male character, got her pregnant, and then killed her terribly in a way that is really sad only because there was almost a baby Ned Stark.  You don't get to subvert all the carefully crafted world-building and stereotype avoiding Martin did the whole time simply because you decide that a well-liked male character (who isn't even a POV character in the books) deserves a better love story.

4. Hating on the ladies who don't fight
This particularly applies to Sansa and Cersei, who are contrasted to their "cooler" siblings Arya and Jaime all. the. time.  Arya's the best, clearly, and the writers decided to make that obvious by giving her the line "most girls are idiots" in the second season.  She's clearly much cooler than her sister because she does male things like stabbing people.  Sansa is apparently SUPER LAAAAME in contrast because she tries to not get killed by people who hate her by being super polite and careful and hiding her fear.  She's 13 years old and was sheltered and groomed to be a nobleman's wife, but because she's not stabbing people in the neck like her cooler little sister, she sucks.  This one's partially on the show's fandom, but it's interesting that the book fans don't show this opinion nearly as much.

Cersei and Jaime, on the other hand (heh-heh, hand, sorry Jaimes), are contrasted in that "ugh I hate Cersei she's evil and ewww she had kids with her brother" while Jaime is **sooo cOmpLIcATeD** or something.  Remember those incest kids?  Jaime helped.  Also Jaime pushed Bran out a window, remember?  But Jaime gets his (honestly totally amazing) detailed speech to Brienne on how he killed the Mad King and arguably saved King's Landing, while Cersei gets snarky one-liners to Margaery about strangling her and like a thousand scenes of her drinking wine. (Tyrion's supposed to be the drunk one in this family.) They are equally difficult and complicated characters and the show has portrayed them as "oh poor Jaime" and "let's all call Cersei a c***." Just because a Game of Thrones lady doesn't hold a sharp edge doesn't mean she's not worthwhile.

5. Catelyn
Which leads me to Catelyn, of course.  Of all the women in the books thus far, the show has done the most damage to Catelyn.  She's a POV character, and the show takes that and gives it to Robb.  She had 40-something lines in Season 3, most of which were a ridiculous speech about "if I had only loved Jon Snow all of this would not have happened." (Robb, a non-POV book character, gets 92 lines.)  The show gives Robb a line about putting her in a "cell" after she releases Jaime in an attempt to save her daughters.  The entirety of the third season is basically Robb being like "Mooom just let me do what I WANT JEEZ" and Catelyn either not talking or brushed to the side as meddling and irrelevant.  Throughout the whole series, she's basically right all the time: Ned going to King's Landing is bad, Robb betraying the Freys is bad, a Lannister tried to have Bran killed, chopping off Rickard Karstark's head is probs a bad call, etc. etc.  She's powerful without swinging a sword, and once again, the show steals all of that power because she's annoying their precious and all-mighty Robb.  Her chapters leading up to the Red Wedding are legit like "ROBB GET GUEST RIGHT DO IT" because she knows he screwed up big time.  She is a smart lady who gets how the game is played (much better than her husband did, for the record), and they take that away from her by losing all her narration and motivation and making her this overbearing mother.  Instead of observing her thoughts as we get to in the book, we get to watch her make judgey faces at Talisa and weave a prayer wheel(?) 

I realize a show can't be a book series, and I will love these books forever, I really hope next season allows women to break out of the three categories of "nameless whore," "annoying girl," and "cool chick with sword."  Martin has made sure none of his women are stereotypes, but the show, at this point, seems dedicated to keeping them running.

Men's rights activism: an analysis

I know, the title alone is charged.  I'm gonna try here, guys.  I really am.

Men's rights activism, to the best of my knowledge, is a sort-of reflection of feminism, but for men.  There's a lot of mentions of fedoras, and they frequently use the acronym MRA.  Ugh, that was not a good start.  I'm trying, I'm SORRY   

I'm going to do a little breakdown of some of the stuff that I've seen written or that I've heard.   I'm gonna slowly transition from arguments I feel are valid, to ones that squick me out, to ones that need to die in a fire.  I try really hard to be reasonable, so please tell me if I'm not doing so.  Again, as always, I can't really speak to trans* issues, so this is limited to cis (and mostly hetero) men and women.

"Men are basically never granted custody of their children, and that's messed up."
Dude, agreed!  That is messed up.  Custody is supposed to be based on the best interest of the child, and family law in the States is super problematic on that count and also in paying alimony (which used to be a bigger thing when women didn't work).  To say that men are somehow inherently less nurturing than women is not okay!  It's not okay to say that women are inherently better at being nurturing, so why would the reverse be true?  And yes, women can now support themselves, so alimony payments are frequently super wack.  Let's work on that!

"If a man is abused by a female partner, it's basically ignored."
Awful!  That's not okay, either! I agree.  I'm not being childish when I say no one should hit anyone, and accusations from a male against a female should be taken just as seriously as the reverse.  Yes, man-on-woman violence is much, much more common, but this is immaterial in the face of an individual case of abuse.  And no one should tell a man to just "walk away if you're that scared," just like they shouldn't tell a woman that: it's rarely, if ever, that simple!

"Boys are ignored more, medicated more, and punished more in primary and middle school, plus all the teachers are women."
Not cool!  We got lots of meds all up in schools, and lots are for ADHD boys.  Many are probably not diagnosed correctly (like many diseases!  Misdiagnosing is a problem for all disease, and more of a problem for mental illness), and are just 'being kids.' (Some do totally need it, though!) However, I frequently saw the reverse as true, with rambunctious boys being allowed to do what they want under a 'boys will be boys' mentality, when girls behaving the same way were shushed.  This happened to me.  Perhaps it has changed, or perhaps my experience was unique, but I found the reverse of this statement was true.  Either way, altering your treatment of a child based on gender is not acceptable.
And tons of teachers being women?  Yes, but here's the thing: it's been that way for a while.  It was a "safe" profession, frequently one of the only actual professions women could hold (and, way back, one they had to leave if they married).  No one sees a kajillion women teaching and thinks "hey, we've made headway into a traditionally male profession!"  More male teachers!    

"Mental illness is not adequately treated in men."
Dude, right?  Depression gets diagnosed and treated in women WAY more than in men, and that's not okay!  Even the ads for all the drugs are mad sexist: they always feature women, and they usually imply that these ladies can't take care of kids or shop like they used to, or some other stupid thing like that.  We can't tell men to just "tough it out" because their masculinity will just overwhelm their illness.  It doesn't work that way!  We need more treatment for all people who suffer, and we should recognize that men are in that group. 

"The portrayal of men on TV is basically that they're dumb and need their wives to fix things."
Not okay.  I super agree.  I really don't know why they keep making shows where the punch line is "the wife is smarter than her husband der der heh heh" because that's got to go.  Men are picking and writing these shows, though, so that's even weirder!  There isn't some kind of coven of women behind the scenes trying to make you all look bad.  This has got to go, but so do the other stupid things on TV like "gorgeous wife/below average husband," "one woman in the office fixes things while the men screw up," and "racist jokes."  Wait, that last one doesn't need quotes.  To sum up: yes, this stuff is messed up, but feminazis are not doing it.

"Men are constantly told they're rapists, and somehow can't be assaulted."
Aw man, so many feelings on this one.  This may be a response to the emphasis on getting consent, and it IS a bad thing if the information is phrased as an implication that it's only a man's job.  (Also totally ignorant of relationships outside of man/woman, which is also not cool!) Whoever you are, get consent!  This emphasis may have something to do with the fact that many men, especially young men (high school age), really have no idea what counts as consent, so from a purely numeric standpoint, people have decided to dedicate time and money to this one portion of sexual relations.  However, it should NEVER come across as "men are inherently disgusting rapists."  It should come across as "consent is important, here's what it looks like, here's what it DOESN'T look like, and get it no matter who you are."

But, if your discomfort lies in the fact that rape is currently discussed more than it ever has before, I may tell you that you're reading into it too much, and it's not personal.  Rape happens, it is usually a man attacking a woman, and I urge you to analyze whether you feel personally attacked because you're actually BEING personally attacked by the literature, or if you feel attacked because rape is being discussed, some men rape, and you are a man.  It would be like my being offended that racism is being discussed, some whites are racist, and I am white.  Claiming "but I'M not a rapist!/racist!" as loudly as possible doesn't do much to fix the problem.

"The way women dress these days, of course they deserve attention!  It's what they want, right?"
Duuuuuude.  Nope.  She's a coworker, or an employee, or your boss.  It's where you work.  You treat them like they work there too.  Or she's a fellow commuter, or another person in the coffee shop, or someone getting a drink at the bar.  Or someone at your gym wearing tight pants because tight pants are sometimes good for exercising.  I don't care how she's dressed, you shake her hand and talk to her like a person until she tells you otherwise.  I'm serious here: you can't assume anything about a woman based on how she's dressed, and it's straight up not okay to do so.  It's a violation of her space.  You don't have to understand it, and you might not be able to: not because you're stupid, just because the world acts differently around you as a man.  Again, similar to not really getting the experience of a black person if you're not black.  Even if you don't get it, if you believe in respecting people, it's what you need to do. 

"Women work now, but I went on a date and she expected ME to pay for dinner! Ugh, screw feminism!"
Okay, I'm being facetious; I'm sorry. The quotes aren't this easy.   (And in general, people, if you go on a date, always be prepared to pay for yourself.  Male/female/neither/anything pay for yo'self).  I'm not defending women who insist on men paying for dinner; that's not okay.  But reducing the argument to "I went out with a woman one time and she wanted me to pay means feminism is dumb" is no good.  Anecdotal evidence is not acceptable as to why feminism is evil or failing.  The subpar behavior of one lady doesn't mean feminism is the worst, in the same way that you'd like it if not all men were tarred with the "rapist" brush.  Goes both ways.

"I'm basically getting punished for finding women attractive and wanting to have sex with them."
Just as a side note, women have been punished far more than you have forever about this: guys who have lots of sex are studs, women who do the same are sluts.  But really, I get it!  The world of dating and attraction is complicated, and it totally sucks getting rejected and called a creep.  And it's also super not okay that identical behavior from two men is "creepy" if it's an unattractive man and "sexy" if he's attractive.

BUT.  There's going up to a woman at a bar, introducing yourself, offering to buy her a drink, and walking away calmly if she says no, AND THEN there's grinding up on a girl in a short skirt in a club without asking permission and being offended when she pushes you away.  There's a difference between telling a woman that you like her bracelet and yelling out "nice ass" as you drive by.  There's a difference between saying a woman hurt you when she rejected you harshly, and calling all women "bitchy cock-teases" because one said no.  Acting like taking an extra second or two to consider if you're being a terrible person before you interact with a woman you find attractive is THE WORST THING EVER is just straight up bullshit, I'm sorry.  The male sex drive does not outrank respect for women. 

"I'm basically getting punished for being male."
You're not.  I swear you're not.  And seriously any woman who says "I hate all men" and MEANS it is not a representation of what feminism is meant to accomplish.  Feminism doesn't hate men, it hates a system that has and still does elevate men above women.  The goal is not to tear down men, it's just not.  However, since the positions of power are unequal, with men occupying a higher position than women, sometimes things that may feel like "rights" to men will be lost: a male office, getting consent for everything, and just generally rearranging your thought processes.  Feminism doesn't hate men.  It wants men to keep being cool and just let women be given the same opportunity to be cool. You're not being attacked.  WE WERE AND ARE, and we're trying to fix that.

"Feminism did all this."
My major disagreement with any given MRA is probably that he may think these problems are a result of feminism, and I think they're a result of the patriarchy.  The patriarchy, an entrenched system, which tells us that men are stronger than women, tougher, can handle things, is what keeps men from getting custody, keeps men from getting the help they need.  As my friend Baird put it, "feminism didn't create the idea that women aren't violent."  That idea has been around forever!  And it's totally wrong. We got some issues to deal with, but feminism didn't cause them.

Handling mental illness

Hey there, readership.  I apologize in advance for being super serious in this blog in general, and I realize that I may lose your interest the second I start talking about things that aren't sassy Twilight commentary or weird running stories.  This post is probably even worse, because I get both serious and personal.  I'm doing this because I'm attempting to improve the world through my experience.  You can stop reading here and I won't blame you even a little bit.  Whole heap of trigger warnings in this post for pretty much any mental health issue.

Some of you may have noticed that I did not graduate from law school last May.  Without going into too much detail, I had a very serious battle with depression last fall, and took time away.  I'm currently doing quite well, my medication has been consistent for about ten months, and I attend therapy regularly, both to help prevent a relapse and also to treat my generalized anxiety disorder, a problem I had been treating long before depression decided to show up uninvited.  My anxiety manifested itself in many terrible ways, some that I'm not yet comfortable sharing.

Currently, I can actually sleep through the night, something that was refusing to happen last fall, and my medication switch seems to have helped.  I was on an SSRI for several years before switching to an SNRI.  The drug I currently take is called Pristiq, and seems to be doing me good, despite having a name that sounds like a nightclub you don't want to go to, with cocktails that focus heavily on their use of blue curacao.  School starts up again on Monday, and I kept my scholarship.  

I don't mean to act as if this isn't a big deal, because it is.  My life was put on hold for a year, and I spent several months hating myself, not being able to do anything, and not even really knowing why.  While I can talk about it more easily now, it took me a very long time to NOT feel that this was somehow my fault; that all I needed to do was try harder and I could just beat depression.  I understand now that I was sick, I am still sick, I am privileged to have had access to treatment, I was a rockstar for getting that treatment, and this was not my fault.  I'm disclosing this information to help alleviate some of the stigma surrounding mental illness, but also to take some control: no one can force me to disclose this background not on my terms if I've already disclosed.

So, if you've stuck with me this far, thank you, but what does this mean for you?  I have some general things to keep in mind if you are in any way involved with people who are struggling with mental health issues.  That is, of course, if you don't already know them!  You might already be an all-star and not need this stuff.  Carry On with your bad self, Wayward Son.

1. Talk about it
If you're concerned about a loved one, don't just "let it go" in the hope that it will resolve itself.  You are probably just fine talking directly to the person you care about, but if you're not sure that's the best idea, talk to a professional about how to approach them.  A simple "how is everything, no REALLY" goes a very long way.  Also feel free to ask them how they'd like to talk about what's going on.  Open communication is key.  If they say they don't want to talk, then they don't, but asking that one time is a good call.

2. Don't suggest treatment options
Unless someone asks for them directly, please do not offer things that you think would help.  Yes, there are exceptions here, but very few of them.  Treating mental health is an imperfect science at best, and different things work for different people, but please do not offer solutions.  Your intention is good, absolutely: you care about this person and want them to get better!  Really, it is awesome that you want this person to feel better.  But if you start telling them that going gluten-free is way better than the meds they're on for treating their bipolar disorder, or that they really SHOULD be on meds for their anxiety when cognitive behavioral therapy seems to be doing the trick, it comes across as "I know better than you do about your own health."  Also please, please, PLEASE do not tell people to just calm down, or cheer up, or focus of the positive, or go to yoga, or any direct commands.  If it were that easy, they'd do it.  I heard this at least once a week, and it was so difficult to handle, because the person was well-meaning and kind every time, but it made me want to punch them and cry.  It made me feel like my own mental health was yet another thing I wasn't doing properly.  Don't be the nice, well-meaning person who just got punched.    

3. No comparative health issues
My lovely friend Adrienne called this playing "the suffering Olympics," and no one wins.  People with mental health issues frequently already feel guilty about their conditions, and saying "well, you don't have cancer!" just makes them feel worse for feeling bad.  It just turns into a terrible feedback loop.  Ranking suffering does no one any good, and we should try to alleviate it regardless of its perceived severity.

4. You can get help yourself
If you're dealing with someone who is struggling, you are not legally or ultimately or responsible for their well-being (unless they are your children), and their illness may put stress on you.  If you are feeling overwhelmed, or even angry at someone you care about for being sick, this may be an indication that you should find support as well.  It is not their fault they are sick, but it is also not entirely on you to make them better.  Mental health disorders can make people not be very nice to their friends and family, and while that may not be their fault (it's the fault of the mental illness!), it does not mean that you have to sit there and take it.

5. Please don't toss around mental health phrases
"Oh my gosh, I was so depressed!" is not a good way to describe that a movie you wanted to see was sold out.  You're not "super OCD about that stuff" because you like to clean.  You're not "like, so bipolar" because you had two different moods in reaction to things that happened in one day.  This is really hurtful to those who actually suffer from these issues, and just because your friend who goes to therapy said it's okay to use them, doesn't mean it IS okay.  And speaking of tossing around therapy as a concept?  Please stop using the expression "exercise: it's cheaper than therapy."  How about "exercise: sometimes an excellent addition TO therapy?"  Sick people aren't deliberately staying sick because they don't want to spend half an hour on the elliptical.  This is serious stuff.     

6. No jokes or brush-offs
I realize I may be asking people to completely restructure their thinking about this whole concept, and I get a little angry here, but please hear me out.

Therapy is not "trendy."  It is more common now than ever because people have more access to mental health treatments, and this is a GOOD thing.  Psychiatrists (the good ones) aren't just "paid to listen to you talk."  They try their best to help their patients function in the world, and even potentially no longer need them.  I personally get homework from mine.  Think of therapy sessions as a weekly physical for your brain.

Meds aren't inherently "big pharma bullshit."  Some people with a diagnosis are like Zach Braff's character in Garden State, but many aren't.  (Also his dad is a terrible therapist for thinking there wouldn't be any issues with your dad being your shrink because whaaaat.) If you need a debate about the problems with R&D development and patent law in pharmaceuticals, and depression medications with black box suicide warnings, and why meds are marketed more to women, go ahead and have one (really! do have one!  that stuff is important!), but not at the expense of those who may credit the medication with saving their lives.  My several years on my SSRI helped me calm down, and my current medication allows me a normal baseline of emotions. 

Those who are suicidal and/or self-injurers are not "cutters" or "emo kids" and don't need to hear "I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself" or "remember, down the road, not across the street" for the best way to slit your wrist.  This isn't a political correctness issue.  This isn't about being able to take a joke.  This is unacceptable behavior.  And if you're about to say that the people who self harm do it for attention, please think about this: just how awful is their life that they think making themselves hurt is the best or only way to get that attention?     

Perhaps most importantly, mental health issues aren't stupid.  They aren't bullshit.  They are real illnesses and disabilities and they hurt and kill people.  The fact that we're more comfortable talking about heart attacks than we are about depression doesn't mean depression isn't real: it means our comfort level is wrong.

There's zero chance that you don't know anyone dealing with a mental health issue.  You probably know several.  I'm one of them, and I'd love it if you took this information to heart.  

Anatomy of a spin class

Disclaimer: I really like spin, and I've been doing it more lately because my knee is still being kinda stupid so I'm trying to be nice to it, and then I will be able to run more again hopefully soon.  I miss running.  No, I'm not crying right now, why would you ask WAHHHWAHWAH sobsobsob

All right!  Look at you, girl, planning your schedule so you're here 45 minutes early.  Aw yeah, you're awesome.  And you're here that early so you can guarantee a hiding-in-the-back spot for this class.

Okay, I'm 45 minutes early.  Even the girl at the front desk gave you a look when I said I had a spot saved in the class.  Oh hey, there's a towel on my bike.  Maybe I can do towel origami for like 42 minutes and then warm up.

That's stupid; stop laughing at "towel origami," it wasn't even funny.  You're staring at a spin bike in a darkened room and laughing at yourself while folding some basic rectangular shapes into a tiny white towel.  Go do something before they kick you out for being a crazy person.  And no, going up to the giant fan and talking into it so your voice turns into a robot voice doesn't count as "doing something." Let's go run a bit.

Aight, I did my mile.  Now I get to go in like "aw yeah look at my warm up."  Let's go back in.

Okay, good, there are like 3 other people in here, it's less weird.  Don't do towel origami.  DON'T DO IT.

Bike adjustin' time.  Just need to unscrew this peg and move the seat down and forward...why can't I move it?  Did the Incredible Hulk tighten these before me?  Why am I so weak?  WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RI-oh.  It turns the other way.  No one saw that, right?  They all totally saw it.

Aww yeah, feelin' the burn.  Yeah, whatever, so you can feel a burn with zero resistance.  Don't hate.

Oh hey instructor.  How you doin'.  You apparently doin' well because you just said this is the third class you've taught today.  We have that in common.  If by "class" you mean "tablespoon of Nutella" and by "taught" you mean "eaten."  And by "today" you mean "so far today." 

WHY DID YOU TURN THE LIGHTS ON.  WHY.  I LOOK LIKE DEATH PLUS HONEY BOO BOO PLUS TOMATO SAUCE.  I SIGNED UP FOR DARKNESS.  STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.  Oh, you were just checking the sound system and they're off now.  You're forgiven.

Yeahhh buddy let's start this class up.  Love this back row bike.  Oh, a full turn, you said?  I'm sure what you MEANT was a half turn.  Or like, a third.  Or whatever amount of resistance makes my legs go as fast as yours.  Wait, yours are reeeeeally fast.  Like, supersonic fast.  Like they're gonna catch on fire due to air resistance fast.  Oh, yeah, sure, telling the class to just Do Our Best and take the class Based On Our Fitness Levels and How Often We Do Spin is gonna make me forget that you could potentially power a city with your spin bike and I look like I should still have training wheels.  Don't patronize me.  Whiiiiiiine.

I need to get out of the saddle now.  Okay, out of the saddle.  Why am I giggling?  Saddle isn't even a funny wor-hehehehe saddle.  Shut UP.  Focus.  Finish this song out while blatantly ignoring all of the prompts to add resistance.  She's staring at me.  She knows I'm ignoring her prompts.  Shit shit shit.  Okay, look at me reaching down, I'm being good and totally adding resistance.  I am a LIAR.

Water break thank you GOD.  Ew, am I seriously sweating that much?  No, that has to be the dude next to me.  I cannot possibly be dripping onto the ground.  It must be that, um, gravity is working not quite perpendicular to the ground and it's the people next to me.  Ugh it's totally me I'm the grossest I'M SORRY EVERYONE.

I did not know a remix of "Free Fallin'" and "Get Low" existed.  Now I do.  I cannot unknow this.

Well, at least pretty much the whole class looks like some form of hell right now, so We're All In This Together (don't actually use that as a song plz and thank you).  Except for the lady directly in front of me.  Okay, woman, there is no way your butt is a real butt.  It is clearly made out of Valyrian steel and it is not fair to the rest of us that you're parading around as if that is an attainable butt.  Your tiny shorts encase a lie.  Okay fine, your butt is real but can you please get it away from me because I've now started to hate my butt and it knows this and is responding by falling asleep.  That might be because we've spent 9 straight minutes seated but it's MOSTLY YOUR BUTT'S FAULT. 

Nice, a new song, let's do some stuff where we get out of our seats.  Position 3, I am all over this.  Leaning forward like a champ.  Elbows and shoulders are loose, my weight is shifted back.  I am basically a Tour de France rider right now, I look so fly.  Aaaand I've got sweat on my chin.  It's dripping ugh ugh ugh this is unpleasant I need to wipe it.  Well, I can do this, because I'm being good and not supporting my weight on my arms so I can just shift and get that sweat and nothing bad will hap-BAM.  Or I'll slip and my nose will come within one inch of the handlebars and one of my feet will fly out of the pedals and I'll give the lady next to me a heart attack.  Basically the same thing.

Okay, cool, we're done with like 40-ish minutes of this 45 minute class.  Almost time for cool down.  Um, instructor lady, what do you MEAN we should all try for 60?  No no no, I did not sign up for 60 minutes.  I have things to do, like eat more Nutella.  Everyone here thought it was 45, it'll be fine!  Someone will say something, she'll stop, and we'll all leave.  Can you hear the people SING, singing the songs of angry men...

No one's leaving.  THIS IS WHY REVOLUTIONS FAIL, PEOPLE.  DON'T JUST LET HER BULLY YOU.  Ugh, fine, maybe I can just leave...nope.  My wonderful back row bike spot has made it so I am actually trapped.  Fine, I'll do this.

(15 minutes of death later)

Can we please be done now or I will cry.  Please.  I mean, I'm probably gonna cry anyway, but I was planning on doing it out in my car like a normal person.  Now you've forced my hand and you'll have to watch my ugly cry face.  Wait, you said "cool down"!  I love you!

Sure, "Sandstorm" is a cooldown song.  Go home, spinning, you're drunk.  Whatever, I'd cool down to the damn Macerena if you just let me out of here.  I'll do your stretches, I'll clean off my bike, and then I'm GONE. 

Same time next week, yeah?

How to make me want to destroy you while at Chipotle

First of all, a good way to start is to be a teenager and wear some weird skinny jeans and glasses that are so comically oversized as to only be helping your vision if you see out of your cheekbones.  Good first steps.  Actually, these are the second steps, technically, because your bright zigzag tank top (that you checked in your car's side mirror) blinded me to the rest of your outfit and all I could see was the neon.

Then, please do continue in the front door by yanking on one handle, and when it doesn't budge, trying it 3 more times before the woman who drove you here (mom? I presume?) pulls on the other door which magically opens, allowing you entrance.  Once through the door, just stop there.  It's a great place to stop, directly inside the entrance.  I really like standing in the actual doorway waiting for you to figure out that yes, this Chipotle is like all other Chipotles, and there is a line that forms.

Why are you sitting down?  Why?  Oh GOD, you think there are waiters here.  Also you should say "I guess we just seat ourselves."  Down here in the world of plebeian food, we have to go get it ourselves.  Because I am a brat, I'm taking what is technically your spot in line because you can't get it together.

Oh hey, you're behind me now.  It's like 4:30 in the afternoon, so the people cooking back there are basically just starting up, so we get to stand here.  Nope, too close to me, back up.  No, I'm not moving up, because no one is being helped at the moment, so my creepin' up on this poor girl in front of me is not doing a damn thing.  Just talk amongst yourselves for like 2 minutes; you can wait.

Then, definitely give a stupid, hipster answer to a question.  The woman with you just asked you what kind of work you've been doing recently, and the correct answer is not "well I've been really interested in graphic novels lately."  Huh?  Are you an artist, or you just like to look at things through your dinner-plate-sized glasses and call that working?  Also I find it extra amusing that your voice was at a normal volume before but to answer that question you needed to let ALL EIGHT OF US in this CHIPOTLE know that you REALLY like GRAAAAPHIC NOOOOVELS.

Keep inching up behind me. Really.  I truly enjoy you slowly and sneakily closing the 12-inch gap between us so you can be sure to ask for extra cheese on your burrito bowl.  As we both know, Chipotle workers will refuse to serve you unless you are acting as the big spoon to the customer in front of you's little spoon.  I am the little spoon.  Let's do this.  I'm a kickass little spoon, especially when the big spoon is wearing stupid stupid jeans.  I'd LOVE it if your neon-and-denim-clad hips made contact with my butt.

Then, be sure to question the fact that guac is extra, and make the guy behind the counter repeat it.  Guac has been extra since the dawn of time.  Newborns know that guac is extra.  Jesus knew that guac was extra: he would have put it in his Sermon on the Mount except he was thinking about it and was like "nahh everyone knows about that already!"  Trilobites knew that guac was extra.  Are you a trilobite?  No, but this is the Main Line of Philadelphia, so there's a decent chance the woman with you actually named you "Trilobite" to be trendy.  But yes, nothing gets me going quite like a bit of surprise spooning and then avocado inquiries.  Aw yeahhh. 

Oh yeah, now that we've gotten the foreplay out of the way, please do reach over my shoulder and touch me to grab your bowl.  I was thinking of just stealing it and rearranging the cheese inside to match the sexy neon zigzags of your large-armholed tank top as a seduction method, but now you've ruined it.  Oh wait, maybe not?  Your hips just did their spooning thing again.  Yes, I still have a shot! 

OH WAIT.  NO, I DON'T WANT A SHOT.  I WANT YOU AND YOUR STUPID OUTFIT AND LACK OF SPATIAL AWARENESS TO GO AWAY FOREVER SO I'M GOING TO PAY AND THEN GET MY NAPKINS AND THEN BYE. 

You're still a teenager, so maybe I can chalk this up to "people with 2-digit ages beginning with 1 are all terrible" but dude, get it together, or the next person you surprise-spoon is gonna be a cage fighter and he'll end you.

Not that that would, y'know, make me happy or anything.