Strength training.

I've been having a rough couple of days.

I haven't been sleeping, which is partially due to my recently developed sensitivity to the lights in the parking lot of my apartment (there is no good reason for their brightness other than the landing of a plane... curtain shopping is happening soon), but also due to the overall stress of being in a completely different situation.  Law school is a LOT of work, I'm away from Brown friends, I'm away from my family, and I'm in a completely new location.  What I've found in the past week or so is that my biggest problem is being away from my church.

This is not in the sense that I haven't been able to see God in what I'm doing, or in the people around me: I'm at an Augustinian university, so there be mad churches everywhere and a cross in every classroom.  The people I've met have nearly all been kind, friendly, and helpful, and it's very easy to see God at work in them.  I'm talking more about the fact that I built a community at Brown, which I'm now distanced from.

The choir here is maybe 7 or 8  times as large as the one at Brown, and the church (and its attendance) are about 5 times as large as Brown's.  They hold 5 Sunday Masses there, there are three priests, tons of Villanova students, families, stained glass windows, full pews, more than one tenor, half a dozen EMs, a busy parking lot...

And.  I. Feel.  So.  Alone.

I think it's because I don't feel "needed" at this church.  I'm one of like, 2 dozen altos that can sing decently,  and if I'm not singing I'm sitting by myself, getting there a little too early, praying a little too intensely, sitting uncomfortably close to the lovely people next to me, accidentally belting out harmony parts because I've forgotten melodies.

God's there, He's everywhere, but the point of church for me is a gathering of souls to pray and praise Him and just generally get happier because you've got this awesome thing in common.  But when I can't connect to a church, I get frustrated and figure I might as well be praying in bed and singing in the shower. 

The choir here is great, and there is an activities fair for the law school that will showcase a Catholic law student group (among other things, obviously), but right now I'm kind of pushing on alone.  Of course, with my brain, I immediately go into the spiral of "this is pathetic, He's still there, why are you complaining?  There are people across the world and across time who have been in situations that are actually HOSTILE to their faith, and they stuck it out.  You're complaining because the church is full, and so you're not necessary? Please.  Grow up."

I eventually remember that even though I'm in this pathetic state, God loves me and thinks I'm worth it, and it's not like he's not there; I'm just selfish. 

Anybody else had this problem?  It doesn't even have to be a religious organization.  It's just an odd feeling of not feeling at home in a place where I'm used to safety and confidence, simply because I don't have responsibilities.  Does this even make sense?  If Christina be crazy, tell her.