Why would you turn against me?

My body is mutiny-ing.  Nothing awful, just a cold that got (law-)schooled and turned into SUPER COLD.  Watch as I make you regret every handshake you've performed, every doorknob you've touched, and every hour of sleep you've missed, because I'mma make you SICK.  And because I'm a pansy and can't man up I've been dragging myself through the last few days as if I'm consumptive and on my way out.  I'm not.  I'm just whiny.  Call Whine-One-One, not 911.  Waaaahmbulance, not ambulance.   

Colds are not the only thing that makes me bow down to the germ theory and pain receptors and tell them I've given up and will pay reparations and sign the Fourteen Points.  I'm pathetic in lots of other disease formats, don't you worry.  I've tried to compile a list.

Blisters: seriously, go die.  There is no good way to complain about a blister unless you're discussing how complications from it are forcing the doctors to consider amputation.  Otherwise you sound like a little girl who just let go of the balloon that a chain restaurant gave her for her birthday.  One little liquid-filled result of uncomfortable shoes and I can't walk anymore.  Whine whine whiiiiine.

Eyelash under a contact lens: this is a new level of miserable.  If this hasn't happened to you, just trust me when I say that you no joke want to claw your eye out.  Combine the discomfort of a middle-school slow dance when you have no partner and the urgency of the last two minutes of a final when you still have a paragraph to write and your hand is cramping and you've got the basics.  I get really mad at my eyelashes when this happens because they are doing the exact opposite of what they're supposed to be doing.  Protect my eye, hairs, or I will wear bright green mascara to spite you and you will never be pretty again.  Bwahaha.

Migraines: these are difficult to quantify unless you've experienced one, but since there are no outward symptoms, it's rough to get people to believe you.  Especially since, when you break it down, what you're saying is "I have a headache."  I get these maybe once every two months or so, and there's very little I can do about them.  Light hurts.  Sound hurts.  I'm pretty sure I can feel individual air molecules bouncing off of my forehead... and they're laughing at me.  Wipes me out.

That kind of leads me into my last one: tummy aches.  I am deathly afraid of throwing up.  For reals, shots, blood, whatever else is better than feeling sick to my stomach.  I will blubber if I feel even the least bit nauseous.  Movies I watched when I was little and sick can no longer be seen because I associate them with feeling ill.  Certain foods are out if I felt ill after eating them.  I cover my eyes and ears during that scene in Mean Girls when she's like "Aaron Samuels I am so not Regina George, since she would never decide a pink bra was acceptable with a strapless dress."  
My friend Alex has the same problem, and she thinks it happens to bio people more often: if you know the details, it's worse.  I fully agree.  But for reals, if you're sick from drinking, I will put you in the rescue position and get someone else to deal with it.

For the record, this post took me about two hours because I was talking about The Hunger Games series with the lovely Adrienne because I just finished the last book in the series and it ripped my heart out and put it back in.  I want to be a lawyer, but what I want more than anything is to get a job reading fantasy and science fiction and talking about it forever.

I live off of comments, and also: recommend books.  Oddly enough, being able to escape in books grounds me in law school.  Don't ask me to explain any further because I'm pretty frickin' proud of that sentence.