In general, I am not sorry to be wishing 2012 goodbye. There were some good parts but I am happy that huge parts of it are gone. Mostly because this is the first year in about a half dozen that I'm not sure if I'm better/happier than I was a year ago. I'm pleased to be done with this year, even if there's really no difference between December 31st and January 1st.
I've got some pretty scary goals for this next year, and not all of them are really conducive to a blog post format (hey, you gotta keep some parts of your life off the internet) but I do have a few to share.
- Break 3 hours in a half marathon. I signed up for a half marathon in June, and I'm debating doing a second in September. Since I've never done one before, I'll PR automatically as long as I finish, but I wanna come in under 3 hours. I think I can do this.
- As a related note, I want to break 39 minutes in my 5k. Writing these things here is to let anyone reading this know two things: you now can encourage (yell?) at me to make these times, and y'all, seriously: I ain't fast. I am still a runner. Speed doesn't matter. If you run, you are a runner, and that is all that matters.
- Keep my life neater. I don't really ever lose things, I just don't usually have places for them, so where I set them down is supposed to be "special" and then it's so special I can't find them again. I will be neater and cleaner and my life will look like a damn IKEA catalog because I said so.
- Feel less shame. This part is and has been a lifelong process, but I want to be at a point eventually where my mistakes do not send me into a spiraling mess that lands me at "I'm a terrible person." Humans make mistakes. Good people make mistakes. I can make mistakes without being ruined.
- Trust in God more. I am so terribly crappy about this and it hurts me when I don't trust. When I do, I feel less lost, less useless.
- Get angry. This is going to probably be the toughest one of all for me. I've internalized this concept that if I am angry with someone, I've done something wrong, and to express that anger is also wrong, because it makes people uncomfortable. This is simply not true. There are things to be angry about. There are enough things to be angry about that I could walk around in a rage every waking minute and that would actually be totally reasonable. And I'm not talking "lol people in Pennsylvania can't drive" kinds of anger. I'm talking about "you hurt me, and that's not okay" anger. I have a tendency to be a doormat and blame myself all the time. Clearly, a 180 degree switch is a bad call, but I've got to learn to call out people/situations/anything that is horrible to me.
- Thing that will help: eradicating "why are you getting so upset?" and all its variations and implications from my life
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