So I finally watched Eclipse and this happened

I'm seriously an obnoxious horrible person because I would not shut up during this movie.  And frankly, the second half with the battles and stuff was actually kind of enjoyable.  But I will walk you through my thought process for this movie, which (unfortunately for my long-suffering boyfriend) was also my commentary.  Again, I am That Guy who offers commentary and unless you're Mike Nelson or his robot friends (or Joel!) that's really not allowed.

1. There's a dude running in the rain.  I predict he's gonna die.  I'm right.  I'm also kinda wondering since when Seattle is this like, High Crime Area with Tough Neighborhoods, but okay?

2. Oh Jesus she's reading poetry in a field of flowers while Edward sits there and strokes her hair and asks her to marry him like a dozen times even though she says no. Dude she just said she has an English final.  Whatever, lol, not like school matters.

3. Anna Kendrick did not get paid enough for her role in this movie.  She could have made a billion dollars, still not enough.

4. I think like around 25 minutes in is when I started referring to Jacob as Abs McWolfie.  I'm a jerk.

5. Bella's dad is my favorite character.  At least, I think he is, but it's quite possible his mustache is my favorite character.

6. Bella's mom is concerned for like two hot seconds that her teenage daughter may be irretrievably lost in Edward's bouffant of vampire love, but then she drifts off and talks about how sunny Florida is and how she has a present for her daughter for graduation (which she's apparently not attending) nor does she care that her daughter's beloved legit cannot be in the sun but that doesn't seem to be a concern.  What is happeninggggg

7. "Doesn't he own a shirt?"  The movie has become SELF AWARE, RUN
7a. Jacob, later in the movie, says "Let's face it; I am hotter than you," and I therefore have to give two grudging points to this movie for those lines.  It is still in the negative hundreds but I will award points when needed

8. I do not understand How Vampires Work based on this movie.  The sparkling thing has been beaten to death and I've basically accepted it at this point (you win, Stephenie), but like, the vampires shatter when they die?  Because of this, I had a glorious few minutes where I imagined the movie acted out entirely by Precious Moments figurines that were then crushed with hammers post-filming.  Also baby vampires are extra powerful?  We spend the whole series going Vampires >>>>> Humans oh, except when they're still a little bit human.  No comprende.  Is this standard in vampire lore?

9. Jacob kisses Bella without her permission, and she punches him, and she breaks her hand.  This is played somewhat for comedy, but I don't get where the funny went.  Abs McWolfie assaulted her and then gets all pissy that Bella won't say "I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ABS FOREVER JACOB" and this is a plot point instead of a quick trip to the police station.

10. They keep referring to the intruder, and thanks to Rifftrax, I watched the scene earlier, and immediately had "hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!" stuck in my head

11.  This movie and The Biggest Loser are currently in competition for Most Overly Dramatic Background Music

12.  WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF THE MAIN CHARACTER, FOR SERIOUS.  I have decided that it is because all the boys in this series have a flannel fetish and therefore Bella is teh hottiest hottie evar.

13.  So she says yes to marrying Edward, then Jacob overhears her talking about hypenating her last name (lololol SURE), then he freaks out because she doesn't want him, then she has to make out with him to keep him from committing suicide by baby vampire fight, then they make out and Edward reads Jacob's mind (awk), then Jacob says "that should have been our first kiss."  Oh, my GOD, no.  Bro, it could have been your first kiss had you not assaulted her earlier in the movie.  I hate you and your stupid abs and everything is the worst.

14.  Fight fight fight fight woooo

15. Where is Mustache Dad, I miss him

16.  I like that Dakota Fanning's character both has red eyes and moves around like she's on an invisible Segway

17.  Hahahaha they decided the best time for Bella to be like "you're chill but I'm totes marrying Edward anyway" to Jacob is when he is sitting in some cabin with half his bones broken

18.  There have been like a dozen marriage proposals in this movie already and he's DOING IT AGAIN but this time with some ring that looks like it was purchased at Forever 21.  I wish they had transitioned directly into her choosing a wedding dress.  Say Yes to the Undead. 

I am very excited to watch the other two, but will probably have to do them by myself if I want anyone to like me ever.  HOPE I DAZZLED YOU, FOLKS