You have permission to hate Valentine's Day

There will be swearing in this post.  So if you're like, a small child who reads this blog, maybe don't?  I don't know, just throwing the disclaimer in there.

I want to be the person who gives you official permission to be sad and angry at the world on Valentine's Day.  Since it is my birthday, I get control over what happens today.  I am in a relationship, and I STILL fucking hate today.  It is the worst.

Valentine's Day is designed in a very sneaky way that it is literally impossible to end the day happy.  If you're single (or "it's complicated" or whatever the fuck Facebook has decided is a legitimate relationship this year) you are destined to be sad and angry at everything today.  You don't have "someone special" to spend the day with, and all of your coupled up friends can't spend time with you because some bullshit holiday says they have to go out to dinner and clink champagne flutes.  (Not that this happened to me like every fucking year on my birthday for like two decades or anything I'M BITTER AND PROUD.)  Additionally, you're not allowed to even feel your feelings.  "Singles Awareness Day!" you'll post as your status.  "Happy Hallmark Holiday!" is how you'll greet people.  They will all be variations on "I feel alone but I have to make jokes about it or people will call me pathetic and emo."  The day makes you feel alone and then mocks you for feeling.  Whose fucking idea was this?

For couples, it's arguably worse, because you're supposed to be happy.  If you want a drinking game that will surely kill you, turn on the radio starting February 1st and take a shot every time someone says "get her what she really wants."  You'll be drunk in ten minutes and probably dead in twenty.  Valentine's Day has told me what I really want is: a dozen roses, jewelry, a car, additional jewelry, flowers that are NOT from a grocery store (???), to be proposed to with a specific ring, lots of stuff from Walgreens (which has really cornered the market in vague gift commercials, btdubs), to be allowed to pick out my own shoes (that one was weird), additional jewelry, to save money on groceries, DIAMONDSDIAMONDSDIAMONDS EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH A DIAMOND IS FOREVER TO SHOW HER YOU CARE ABOUT HER OPEN HEART HEY LADIES DIAMONDS ARE A FAIR TRADE FOR RESPECT AMIRITE etc. etc.

(Assuming you're heterosexual) there's pressure on guys to get the perfect gift, and if they "get it wrong" they start saying awful things like "women are crazy."  Women have been conditioned to think that a guy who gives them plants is A+ all around.  If you're with someone, this holiday isn't about love.  It's about buying things as a replacement for love.  But businesses can't get rich on mutual kindness, respect, and decent communication skills, so buy that bitch a necklace!  Bitches love necklaces.  Be happy with your necklace.  Come back soon!

No one is allowed to actually feel things today.  Only buy things.  Don't be sad about being alone, go get drunk lol.  Be happy about your man, at least you have someone lol.  I'm going to post this picture of the flowers I got to Facebook because you can't mobile upload an act of kindness.

If you'd like to rebel in the same fashion that I do (or at least try to do), have some feelings today.  Get angry.  Cry in front of someone.  Call somebody else out on their bullshit.  Do something kind for a person, and if you're on the receiving end, write an elaborate thank-you email.  Care about something, anything, in an outrageous way.  Get yourself what you really want, which is the ability to be something other than neutral and not get mocked for it.  Don't let some bullshit fucking made-up illegitimate non-holiday keep you from having your emotions.  Have them as loudly as possible.  Let me know how that goes.