When someone says something offensive, I really do try hard to be like "hey actually when you say that it's not so good to this group of people, plz don't do it again" under the assumption that most people are not terrible people. I may be entirely misguided and people need to be yelled at, but I am not so good at yelling, and in my experience they respond better to being gentle. Like a skittish baby horse or something. Why did I say that? I've never met a baby horse. Plus I think baby horses have their own technical names so I'm not even right when I say "baby horse" OKAY STOPPING. SORRY.
Anyway, I managed to compile a list of things that I sometimes hear people say that are actually not such great things to say. If you say them, this does not mean you are a bad person! No sarcasm! Seriously! I get that you are trying. But here's why you should probably not say these things. Also, as always, I am a white, economically stable, straight, able-bodied lady. Plus a few more privileges I am probably forgetting.
1. "I don't see color."
You may think this is an okay thing to say, and that's because you are almost definitely saying it from a good intention. You are trying to imply that color doesn't positively or negatively influence your opinion of someone. And that is a good start to not being racist! F'reals, way to not stumble right out of the gate.
BUT, and I know this sounds weird, but you NEED to see color. Not in a "yep you're black so now I think because I'm white I'm better than you" way, but rather in a "yep, you're black, so your experiences with the world have almost certainly been different than mine, because the world is not done with racism yet." This person may have had some terrible slur thrown at them, have someone assume they're dangerous because of their color, both, neither, something worse. You need to see their color/race/ethnicity and understand that the world is not the same for the two of you. Saying " I don't see color" is well-intentioned, I get it, but you gotta see color to even come close to understanding others' experiences.
2. "Oh, I LOVE the gays! I have a gay best friend!"
This is generally a specific thing said by some straight women about some gay men. This is good that you do not hate gay people! This is not a true thing for everyone, so not hating them for their sexuality is indeed a good start.
But, these phrases and phrases like them are grouping all gay people into a stereotype, and just because this dude you work with is super awesome and goes shopping with you and is generally some SATC-glitter-covered happy unicorn who says "GURL" doesn't mean that he represents all gay men. Is he your best friend? Just say that! It is excellent that you do not care who he is attracted to, but his sexuality is legit and should be treated with respect regardless of his opinion on your shoes.
3. "I'm not trying to be mean about weight, it's just I'm worried about your health!"
Are you? This is a serious question! If you hang out with this person regularly and see that they are dealing with some disordered eating, or you think their mental health might be suffering, or whatever it is, then your concern might be legitimate! Trying to make sure your friend or family member has a healthy relationship with food, exercise, and their own thoughts is not inherently a bad thing.
HOWEVER. If you know nothing else about this person than he or she is "overweight," you are probably not helping. Question yourself when this comes up. There is a chance that your "concern for their weight" might actually be "I don't like looking at fat people because it grosses me out." This probably sounds harsh. But because people are nearly always aware of their size, pointing out that someone is overweight doesn't sound like a concern for their health, especially if you don't talk very often (or don't even know the person!). It sounds mean.
So what should you say? Probably nothing! They know already, and they are dealing with it or not dealing with it.
4. "She's just so inspirational/beautiful/amazing!"
This is generally said to the chronically ill and/or disabled. This person may very well be inspirational, but you should probably be saying this about something really freaking awesome that they've done, like build a house or win an election or complete a hundred heart transplants or something like that.
I get it, you are inspired by this person's ability to do things, but these things that are inspirational shouldn't be things that are like "you were YOU for a whole day and are still happy! That's amazing!" Yes, frequently being ill or disabled makes life much harder, but to say it's inspirational that this person is just functioning often comes across as patronizing and insincere. It also can sometimes sound like you're saying "I would hate my life if I were you, but you don't! That's cool!" Don't do that!
You are on the right track, for sure, because this person may very well do some awesome stuff. But figure out what that stuff is and praise them for that.
5. "You're not like other women."
Ahhh you probably mean this to be complimentary to whatever woman you are currently talking to. And again, good first step! You're trying to give her a compliment. But this is actually not a really great thing to say to a lady.
She is probably, in at least some ways, pretty similar to some other women, so the accuracy here is a little bit off. This phrase also ends up sounding like you're grouping all other women into a category of "Those Bitches" or something similar, so that all of them are objectively terrible while the one you're talking to is objectively awesome. If you are trying to be nice to a lady, I actually cannot think of a time when you can say that they are different/better from all other women and have it end up okay. WAIT. The Olympics and other athletic competitions. You can say a woman is not like other women because she is faster than all other women at running a marathon. But she knows that because that's what the gold medal is for? So yeah, back to my original opinion: don't tell ladies they're way more awesome than all the other ladies.
And as a note to other ladies: don't describe yourself like this! I get squicked out when women say "I just don't get along great with girls, we don't have stuff in common." Um, like, ALL of us? Dude, there's gotta be somebody, and the common factor in any attempted friendship with another lady is you. So the problem might be you, not Every Lady Ever. Being a woman is hard enough without you, dudes, and The World comparing you to every other woman. Don't do it!
I am sure I am forgetting other things in this vein, so if you can think of any, please tell me in the comments! I'd like to add to my list of "good motivation, bad execution."
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Steubenville and alcohol
I'm very, very late to comment on this, I know. Most of what needs to be said about this case has already been said: how the media coverage was incorrectly sympathetic towards the two boys, how discussions on consent should (need to) be in every sex education class, how only "yes" means "yes," and how the rape culture is apparently so pervasive that there are even differing opinions on how this case should be treated. If there is something you don't understand about my opinions, please come talk to me: I promise not to yell at you. I will try to persuade you to think as I do.
The aspect of this case that I've struggled with the most is the level to which the coverage has focused on the fact that the victim was drunk and "put herself in this situation." It was not reported in a way that just added to the facts of the case (ex. saying this occurred in Ohio is not a charged statement), but rather in a way that put blame on someone: the victim for drinking too much, her parents for letting her go to the party, her friends for letting this happen to her, whoever provided alcohol to teenagers. It was implied that since the girl deliberately impaired her reasoning, her rape was at least partially her own fault.
I do not ever drink very much. Several of the medications I take exacerbate the effects of alcohol, and I can't really drink wine without a pretty serious headache in the next couple hours. I'll nurse a beer for about 90 minutes. I've never blacked out. I do these things because I am generally terrified of not being in control of a situation, and the sensation of being even a little tipsy is not fun for me.
That entire last paragraph? Irrelevant to a sexual assault case.
The Steubenville victim, ANY victim, is no more to blame for her rape because she was drunk than a person who wears a Rolex is to blame for being robbed. This is a terrible analogy, but it serves its purpose here: in a trial for theft, no defense is going to use "but the victim was rich and obvious about it so my client just did it!" That's not how this works. It is entirely the fault of the thief, and it is entirely the fault of the rapist.
Drunkenness cannot be used as a reason for this victim's rape, or anyone's rape: if there were no rapists, she could have been as drunk as she wanted and she would still not have been raped. The question that is continually posed is "well, didn't she put herself in this position by drinking too much?" Yes, she did, but only because rapists exist and rape occurs. If this crime didn't exist, her state of inebriation couldn't create it. Alcohol consumption by a victim doesn't somehow create a rape. And in both the courts and in our understanding of sexual assault, this is the only legitimate way to consider it.
The aspect of this case that I've struggled with the most is the level to which the coverage has focused on the fact that the victim was drunk and "put herself in this situation." It was not reported in a way that just added to the facts of the case (ex. saying this occurred in Ohio is not a charged statement), but rather in a way that put blame on someone: the victim for drinking too much, her parents for letting her go to the party, her friends for letting this happen to her, whoever provided alcohol to teenagers. It was implied that since the girl deliberately impaired her reasoning, her rape was at least partially her own fault.
I do not ever drink very much. Several of the medications I take exacerbate the effects of alcohol, and I can't really drink wine without a pretty serious headache in the next couple hours. I'll nurse a beer for about 90 minutes. I've never blacked out. I do these things because I am generally terrified of not being in control of a situation, and the sensation of being even a little tipsy is not fun for me.
That entire last paragraph? Irrelevant to a sexual assault case.
The Steubenville victim, ANY victim, is no more to blame for her rape because she was drunk than a person who wears a Rolex is to blame for being robbed. This is a terrible analogy, but it serves its purpose here: in a trial for theft, no defense is going to use "but the victim was rich and obvious about it so my client just did it!" That's not how this works. It is entirely the fault of the thief, and it is entirely the fault of the rapist.
Drunkenness cannot be used as a reason for this victim's rape, or anyone's rape: if there were no rapists, she could have been as drunk as she wanted and she would still not have been raped. The question that is continually posed is "well, didn't she put herself in this position by drinking too much?" Yes, she did, but only because rapists exist and rape occurs. If this crime didn't exist, her state of inebriation couldn't create it. Alcohol consumption by a victim doesn't somehow create a rape. And in both the courts and in our understanding of sexual assault, this is the only legitimate way to consider it.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Baby's first 10k
Okay, so I think I officially really love this distance. It is long enough to make me feel like a badass, but short enough to make me not die. Will totes still run a half-marathon in June and train for it and learn how to fuel properly but I gotta run more of these.
Chip time was 1:20:19. I was REALLY trying to break 1:20, but this is my first one so regardless of my finishing time, just finishing gave me a PR. And, apologies for the oversharing, but because I needed a bathroom break between miles 2 and 3 (good one, bladder! You're really funny!), I know that I can actually break that time at some point. I walked a little but my mile splits were still under 13 minutes even with my delay and haters gonna hate.
Important things are as follows:
Race people, why why why would you have a course that has a beast hill from mile 5 to 5.5 I hate you just kidding it wasn't that bad but that is where lots of my walking happened. The 50-something woman near me was straight up like "this is bad." I agree! But I did it.
I still cannot pin on my race bibs in a way that does not look like I was heavily intoxicated while it happened. I really like this race bib because it says 10k on it. I am a ROCKSTAR.
This is such a stupid thing to complain about, but I am extra-sensitive about being a "slow runner," so that is why I am mentioning it; I have lots of feelings and I don't even go here. The event today had a 10k, 5k, and 2-mile "fun walk," and they split up the courses pretty well, including a fork in the trail where a lady had the pleasure of air-traffic-controller-ing everybody ("10k!!!!!" *waves to right* "5k!!!!!" *waves to left* *repeat a thousand times*), poor girl. However, I am decidedly a back-of-the-pack kinda person, and that means by the time I got to the last quarter mile, the walkers now dominated the course and I had to leap over some strollers and dogs. I cannot actually get angry about this, because this was a fundraiser for colon cancer research, and what jerk is like "I wish fewer people walked so less money went to cure cancer"? Not me. But, because I am insecure about my running speed, I took the fact that the road was no longer clear for any of us slow'uns SUPER personally for like 20 minutes and was sad.
However, runners are THE BEST (srsly if you don't run do it just so you can have everyone be nice to you always), are super supportive of anyone who laces up some sneaks, and love you if you are just there. (Sometimes I say sneaks so I can pretend I'm the Fresh Prince.) A large part of the course today was out-and-back, and everyone was like "keep going YAYYY" to everyone, regardless if you had turned around already and were doing like a 40 minute race or if you had just finished the first half and were at double that time. IF YOU RUN YOU ARE A RUNNER AND RUNNERS ARE THE BEST.
I got a tech shirt today (this seems to be a thing that happens a lot now? Down with cotton, idk) and it is really green and if I wear it I should probs post a picture.
Chip time was 1:20:19. I was REALLY trying to break 1:20, but this is my first one so regardless of my finishing time, just finishing gave me a PR. And, apologies for the oversharing, but because I needed a bathroom break between miles 2 and 3 (good one, bladder! You're really funny!), I know that I can actually break that time at some point. I walked a little but my mile splits were still under 13 minutes even with my delay and haters gonna hate.
Important things are as follows:
Race people, why why why would you have a course that has a beast hill from mile 5 to 5.5 I hate you just kidding it wasn't that bad but that is where lots of my walking happened. The 50-something woman near me was straight up like "this is bad." I agree! But I did it.
I still cannot pin on my race bibs in a way that does not look like I was heavily intoxicated while it happened. I really like this race bib because it says 10k on it. I am a ROCKSTAR.
This is such a stupid thing to complain about, but I am extra-sensitive about being a "slow runner," so that is why I am mentioning it; I have lots of feelings and I don't even go here. The event today had a 10k, 5k, and 2-mile "fun walk," and they split up the courses pretty well, including a fork in the trail where a lady had the pleasure of air-traffic-controller-ing everybody ("10k!!!!!" *waves to right* "5k!!!!!" *waves to left* *repeat a thousand times*), poor girl. However, I am decidedly a back-of-the-pack kinda person, and that means by the time I got to the last quarter mile, the walkers now dominated the course and I had to leap over some strollers and dogs. I cannot actually get angry about this, because this was a fundraiser for colon cancer research, and what jerk is like "I wish fewer people walked so less money went to cure cancer"? Not me. But, because I am insecure about my running speed, I took the fact that the road was no longer clear for any of us slow'uns SUPER personally for like 20 minutes and was sad.
However, runners are THE BEST (srsly if you don't run do it just so you can have everyone be nice to you always), are super supportive of anyone who laces up some sneaks, and love you if you are just there. (Sometimes I say sneaks so I can pretend I'm the Fresh Prince.) A large part of the course today was out-and-back, and everyone was like "keep going YAYYY" to everyone, regardless if you had turned around already and were doing like a 40 minute race or if you had just finished the first half and were at double that time. IF YOU RUN YOU ARE A RUNNER AND RUNNERS ARE THE BEST.
I got a tech shirt today (this seems to be a thing that happens a lot now? Down with cotton, idk) and it is really green and if I wear it I should probs post a picture.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
So I finally watched Eclipse and this happened
I'm seriously an obnoxious horrible person because I would not shut up during this movie. And frankly, the second half with the battles and stuff was actually kind of enjoyable. But I will walk you through my thought process for this movie, which (unfortunately for my long-suffering boyfriend) was also my commentary. Again, I am That Guy who offers commentary and unless you're Mike Nelson or his robot friends (or Joel!) that's really not allowed.
1. There's a dude running in the rain. I predict he's gonna die. I'm right. I'm also kinda wondering since when Seattle is this like, High Crime Area with Tough Neighborhoods, but okay?
2. Oh Jesus she's reading poetry in a field of flowers while Edward sits there and strokes her hair and asks her to marry him like a dozen times even though she says no. Dude she just said she has an English final. Whatever, lol, not like school matters.
3. Anna Kendrick did not get paid enough for her role in this movie. She could have made a billion dollars, still not enough.
4. I think like around 25 minutes in is when I started referring to Jacob as Abs McWolfie. I'm a jerk.
5. Bella's dad is my favorite character. At least, I think he is, but it's quite possible his mustache is my favorite character.
6. Bella's mom is concerned for like two hot seconds that her teenage daughter may be irretrievably lost in Edward's bouffant of vampire love, but then she drifts off and talks about how sunny Florida is and how she has a present for her daughter for graduation (which she's apparently not attending) nor does she care that her daughter's beloved legit cannot be in the sun but that doesn't seem to be a concern. What is happeninggggg
7. "Doesn't he own a shirt?" The movie has become SELF AWARE, RUN
7a. Jacob, later in the movie, says "Let's face it; I am hotter than you," and I therefore have to give two grudging points to this movie for those lines. It is still in the negative hundreds but I will award points when needed
8. I do not understand How Vampires Work based on this movie. The sparkling thing has been beaten to death and I've basically accepted it at this point (you win, Stephenie), but like, the vampires shatter when they die? Because of this, I had a glorious few minutes where I imagined the movie acted out entirely by Precious Moments figurines that were then crushed with hammers post-filming. Also baby vampires are extra powerful? We spend the whole series going Vampires >>>>> Humans oh, except when they're still a little bit human. No comprende. Is this standard in vampire lore?
9. Jacob kisses Bella without her permission, and she punches him, and she breaks her hand. This is played somewhat for comedy, but I don't get where the funny went. Abs McWolfie assaulted her and then gets all pissy that Bella won't say "I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ABS FOREVER JACOB" and this is a plot point instead of a quick trip to the police station.
10. They keep referring to the intruder, and thanks to Rifftrax, I watched the scene earlier, and immediately had "hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!" stuck in my head
11. This movie and The Biggest Loser are currently in competition for Most Overly Dramatic Background Music
12. WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF THE MAIN CHARACTER, FOR SERIOUS. I have decided that it is because all the boys in this series have a flannel fetish and therefore Bella is teh hottiest hottie evar.
13. So she says yes to marrying Edward, then Jacob overhears her talking about hypenating her last name (lololol SURE), then he freaks out because she doesn't want him, then she has to make out with him to keep him from committing suicide by baby vampire fight, then they make out and Edward reads Jacob's mind (awk), then Jacob says "that should have been our first kiss." Oh, my GOD, no. Bro, it could have been your first kiss had you not assaulted her earlier in the movie. I hate you and your stupid abs and everything is the worst.
14. Fight fight fight fight woooo
15. Where is Mustache Dad, I miss him
16. I like that Dakota Fanning's character both has red eyes and moves around like she's on an invisible Segway
17. Hahahaha they decided the best time for Bella to be like "you're chill but I'm totes marrying Edward anyway" to Jacob is when he is sitting in some cabin with half his bones broken
18. There have been like a dozen marriage proposals in this movie already and he's DOING IT AGAIN but this time with some ring that looks like it was purchased at Forever 21. I wish they had transitioned directly into her choosing a wedding dress. Say Yes to the Undead.
I am very excited to watch the other two, but will probably have to do them by myself if I want anyone to like me ever. HOPE I DAZZLED YOU, FOLKS
1. There's a dude running in the rain. I predict he's gonna die. I'm right. I'm also kinda wondering since when Seattle is this like, High Crime Area with Tough Neighborhoods, but okay?
2. Oh Jesus she's reading poetry in a field of flowers while Edward sits there and strokes her hair and asks her to marry him like a dozen times even though she says no. Dude she just said she has an English final. Whatever, lol, not like school matters.
3. Anna Kendrick did not get paid enough for her role in this movie. She could have made a billion dollars, still not enough.
4. I think like around 25 minutes in is when I started referring to Jacob as Abs McWolfie. I'm a jerk.
5. Bella's dad is my favorite character. At least, I think he is, but it's quite possible his mustache is my favorite character.
6. Bella's mom is concerned for like two hot seconds that her teenage daughter may be irretrievably lost in Edward's bouffant of vampire love, but then she drifts off and talks about how sunny Florida is and how she has a present for her daughter for graduation (which she's apparently not attending) nor does she care that her daughter's beloved legit cannot be in the sun but that doesn't seem to be a concern. What is happeninggggg
7. "Doesn't he own a shirt?" The movie has become SELF AWARE, RUN
7a. Jacob, later in the movie, says "Let's face it; I am hotter than you," and I therefore have to give two grudging points to this movie for those lines. It is still in the negative hundreds but I will award points when needed
8. I do not understand How Vampires Work based on this movie. The sparkling thing has been beaten to death and I've basically accepted it at this point (you win, Stephenie), but like, the vampires shatter when they die? Because of this, I had a glorious few minutes where I imagined the movie acted out entirely by Precious Moments figurines that were then crushed with hammers post-filming. Also baby vampires are extra powerful? We spend the whole series going Vampires >>>>> Humans oh, except when they're still a little bit human. No comprende. Is this standard in vampire lore?
9. Jacob kisses Bella without her permission, and she punches him, and she breaks her hand. This is played somewhat for comedy, but I don't get where the funny went. Abs McWolfie assaulted her and then gets all pissy that Bella won't say "I LOVE YOU AND YOUR ABS FOREVER JACOB" and this is a plot point instead of a quick trip to the police station.
10. They keep referring to the intruder, and thanks to Rifftrax, I watched the scene earlier, and immediately had "hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife!" stuck in my head
11. This movie and The Biggest Loser are currently in competition for Most Overly Dramatic Background Music
12. WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF THE MAIN CHARACTER, FOR SERIOUS. I have decided that it is because all the boys in this series have a flannel fetish and therefore Bella is teh hottiest hottie evar.
13. So she says yes to marrying Edward, then Jacob overhears her talking about hypenating her last name (lololol SURE), then he freaks out because she doesn't want him, then she has to make out with him to keep him from committing suicide by baby vampire fight, then they make out and Edward reads Jacob's mind (awk), then Jacob says "that should have been our first kiss." Oh, my GOD, no. Bro, it could have been your first kiss had you not assaulted her earlier in the movie. I hate you and your stupid abs and everything is the worst.
14. Fight fight fight fight woooo
15. Where is Mustache Dad, I miss him
16. I like that Dakota Fanning's character both has red eyes and moves around like she's on an invisible Segway
17. Hahahaha they decided the best time for Bella to be like "you're chill but I'm totes marrying Edward anyway" to Jacob is when he is sitting in some cabin with half his bones broken
18. There have been like a dozen marriage proposals in this movie already and he's DOING IT AGAIN but this time with some ring that looks like it was purchased at Forever 21. I wish they had transitioned directly into her choosing a wedding dress. Say Yes to the Undead.
I am very excited to watch the other two, but will probably have to do them by myself if I want anyone to like me ever. HOPE I DAZZLED YOU, FOLKS
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