Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1: The Wars to Come

Hey you guyyyyyyys

So on a scale of "the first season of Game of Thrones" to "the fifth season of Game of Thrones" how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN

I'M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN

I hope you missed me being angry because I'm angry already WOOOOO.  I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season.  In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.

I also have this new theory that Foreigner's "Head Games" is running through Petyr Baelish's head at all times.  My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing "puttin' the bae in Baelish" and he's foul but I'm not mad even a little because that's great.

Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I'ma miss you, Dancer.  So much.  Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we'll get more Dasher Dancer and I'll be happy?

Cersei/King's Landing

So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene.  The transition to Tywin's funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime's scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they're scaling it back.

Also Cersei lookin' better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.

I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that.  I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they're going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei's plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you.  Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.

Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven.  They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.

While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude.  I do not care about Olyvar, which I'm assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y's in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody).  One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact.  The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly's death, and I actually appreciated Martin's writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions.  Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character.  Therefore, this "back off, Margaery/Mom, I'll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade" is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I'm a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.

Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King's Landing, "your birthmark looks like Dorne" ARE WE JOKING.  IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography.  To be fair, Martin's introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than "shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS.  EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS."

Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone

Brienne
Was...she...drunk? Like... does not compute.  Also don't yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he's very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I'M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that's nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I'm choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it's because she's an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it's totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM

Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND

Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames

See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you're on board, aren't you?  Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone?  She's gorgeous and you're a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.

And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn?  Like I get he's a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can't swing a sword very well is just super gross.  I'm not saying he's a good person, but he is a   

Tyrion

Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard

Also Illyrio "We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him" Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he's not even there.  Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP

Guys, I hated Tyrion's scenes here.  I just... ugh.  I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point.  Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me.  Tossing in a little "yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol" is gross and unacceptable, because he's completely right, and it's not funny.  Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.

Varys is also starting to bug me.  First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  Second...of...all, he's now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them?  Huh?  Bro, you don't do anything that doesn't benefit you in some way, so stop playing that "it's for the good of the kiiiingdom" crap.  You also don't just do what Jaime Lannister says.  The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can't fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is "would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?" because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.

Just....ugh.  Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I'm just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh.  Do better, show.   

Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I'm not a staute-taker-downer

This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I'm really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene.  Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don't have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.

Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER.  This is literally the third couple I've given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about...most things, probably.

Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it's not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I'm sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it

Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario.  Really, go ahead.  Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him.  Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she's ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair.  She does not go "hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I'm Doing."  The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people's lives are at stake.  Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.

"oh noes I can't control my dragons"
"so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be...hm this is a tough one"
"ah, I've got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian"
"yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords"
"oh shit they're huge this was a mistake"

The Wall
I think I'm just going to preemptively give Kit "For Excellence in Hair" award for Season 5 because it's still beautiful and I missed it so much.  And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it's "are you a virgin?"  Why would it not be "what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON."

And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I'll say it and judge me all you want but he's doing really good work here.  Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran "My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel" Hinds in a scene where he's debating his own death and then dying that death like...get it, boy.  I'm impressed.

I'm rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis' deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but "The Night's Watch takes no part" seemed to be a good sign.  Jon Snow's plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just...please don't take this from me, show.  I have a lot of feelings.

SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG  IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOOOOOKS










We're all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn't dead, right?  Or at least, I thought?  But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what's going on here guys gah

How are they going to play Tyrion's story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.

What are we going to do with Brienne's storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee

So here's the most horrific theory I've heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole's storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I'm going to burn everything to the ground.  I hate this so much I can't even articulate it properly, and I think I'm this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.