E-mails I've gotten indicating eHarmony doesn't actually want me to be happy

I can't make this up if I tried, and this is also the reason I haven't unsubscribed to their e-mail list: it's just so freaking funny.  These are saved over like an 8-month period. (eHarmony we still cool because you clearly did something right by matching me up with Boy but you crazy)

Enjoy what would happen if Cosmopolitan and major depressive disorder had a baby and it grew up to be a writer.

• Ten Signs You Are Dating the Wrong Person
• 1. He has an identical twin brother and has recently stopped responding to his own name
• Are You Smothering Him?
• I have purchased several pillows recently so probably
• Nine Reasons Good Relationships Go Bad
• Men's Biggest Complaints About Women
• Women: Are You Too Independent?
• If your soul didn't cringe at this one perhaps rethink many things
• Relationship Killers: 9 Phrases to Nix Now
• The Top Eight Reasons Men Fall Out of Love
• The Ten Biggest Reasons You Get Dumped (Ouch!)
• Are You Accidentally Sabotaging Your Love Life?
• Nah probably doing it on purpose
• For details, see previous post discussing my Gollum voice
• Three Reasons Why He Won't Commit
• Nine Things You Need to Know About Infidelity
• When to Bring "It" Up: Defining the Relationship
• Also recently featured in Seventeen and iCarly
• I only recently found out the acronym "DTR"
• Don't judge me for not being hip
• The Five Do's and Don'ts of Commitment
• Make it Easy for Him to Love You
• Three Things That Will Sour Your Relationship
• This e-mail came with a picture of a lemon
• 2. Your impersonations of fictional characters are not as endearing as you think
• DAMMIT
• Kidding, no idea what the article actually said

Nerdy shit I've done in the past 6 months or so.

• Went to The Hunger Games on what was essentially opening night, with a themed Mockingjay t-shirt (thank you Megan)
• Some middle school doods were totes jeal
• Rewatched all of season/book 1 and most of 2 of Avatar: The Last Airbender
• Still working through them
• Started watching the Korra spin-off
• M. Night if you touch anything in this series ever again I will end you
• Pre-ordered to my Kindle the second book in a YA dystopian series that is not The Hunger Games
• The book (Insurgent) arrived at roughly 12:30 AM 
• I read the whole thing in one night
• This was during finals period
• Rewatched The Two Towers and Return of the King (extended editions)
• I'm working on perfecting my Gollum voice, it's basically the sexiest thing ever
• Anytime the Boy says something sassy I've started responding with "leave now, and never come BACK" and/or "not listening"
• While not having HBO, still manage to be up to date on Game of Thrones
• Oh yeah that's right because I read the books, homes
• Although I can respect the hell out of the no spoilers deal, because these books are long/not well known/yes they take time, it kinda makes me laugh that people are all angsty about not spoiling plot points that were published starting in 1996.  
• F'reals all us reader kids lol'ed a little bit about y'all freaking out over Ned: still heartbreaking, but we knew it was coming o hai schadenfreude 
• Also Arrested Westeros (GoT and Arrested Development mashup) is my favoritest thing in the whole wide world now
• Purchased a ticket to go see the wonderful people responsible for A Very Potter Musical on Tuesday of this week
• Yes I bought a single ticket
• Yes I will probably have to go straight from work
• Yes they've made several other online musicals and I've watched them all
• No I do not give a single f***
• In terms that normal people may recognize, Blaine from Glee was a founding member and played Harry
• Tutored a kid in biology
• They cover evolutionary bio
• I think I scared him because I got all excited
• Guys my book collection/speed at which I cover them is legit unacceptable
• I've reread every Terry Pratchett book I have at my apartment
• If you read his stuff and I don't yet know this about you can we chat plz
• Patrick Rothfuss, Brandon Sanderson, Gene Wolfe, N.K. Jemesin be authors of good sci-fi/fantasy nerdy shiz
• Also read Never Let Me Go and Atonement and I'm kinda sad and borderline ruined but in the best possible way

Guys if you are my friends/dating me please continue to do so despite all this I'M SO SORRY