So fresh and so clean.

Apologize for the hiatus.  Life gets tough sometimes.

Write some case briefs, write some blog post, write some case briefs, write some blog post. Oh, and prep for Kaplan training.  I may be teaching the LSAT soon.  Oh goodness.

Guysguysguysguys how much FUN is doing laundry in communal machines?!?!?!?!!!!1111

I'm seriously hoping this concept doesn't fall into the hands of our enemies, because there will be no secrets left once any hostages are made to wash a load of sweaters in a machine that jams up with quarters three-fifths of the time.  We would no longer be a super power.

There are roughly 87 million things that can go wrong with doing laundry in machines every one shares.  I can group them into four main categories: prep, paying, washing, and drying.

1. Preparation
Favorite part of this is if you live in a different building than the one where the machines are located.  Motivation shot before you've even begun.  Also guarantees that the instant you want to do laundry, it will begin to sleet.  Bed, Bath, and Beyond does not view "all-terrain, all-weather" as a selling point for laundry carriers: I say they are missing a large demographic right there.
You also have to do an awesome job (if you're me) making sure you actually have all of the items you want to wash.  My champ move is forgetting I'm wearing a favorite shirt right about 15 minutes into the washing cycle.

2. Paying
For four years of college I was using mostly quarters (and sometimes my card) to pay for laundry and this was a BLAST, let me tell YOU.  Learning you're a quarter short when you swore you just counted out enough for a full washing and drying cycle produces a frenzy only previously known in Viking soldiers on primitive methamphetamine.  You WILL find another quarter, goshdarnit.  You're knocking on people's doors you don't even know, desperately asking for just one George Washington so you can pleasepleasePLEASE not have to dry your socks on your radiator which is probably a fire haz-no, definitely a fire hazard and there isn't nearly enough space to hang everything because it's winter and that laundry load held like 8 sweatshirts and 4 pairs of jeans and they will all be DAMP FOREVER if you can't find one more flippin' quarter so time to dig through your purse and bottom of your backpack because this must happen.  It's a party and a half.  The machines at Brown were also gold-medal winners at not accepting your quarters after you've loaded an entire two weeks' worth of wardrobe in.  I started checking before I put clothes in to avoid the "...you're kidding, right?" feeling and the physical battle I'd then have with the machines (spoiler: they won.  Every single time.)
Cards were marginally better, but on those you generally have the problem of "this is boss, I have 75 cents left."  My apartment, bless its heart, only lets you put 5s, 10s, and 20s on the card, so God forbid you show up with 9 singles and a twenty.  You have no options; the laundry money credit thing cares not that you merely wish to wash your towels and require about 3 dollars on the card.  Your twenty is miiiiiiine bwahahahaaaaaa.

3. Washing
Mayyyybe your clothes will get washed.  Maybe they will just end up in a soggy, dripping pile that still has bits of your powdered detergent on it.  Then you get to transfer it to the dryers, which are sometimes open (I'll address this in a second) and this absolutely guarantees that you will drop your most valuable item of clothing onto the floor...and onto lint.  It will not be a sock.  It will be the sweater that Mother Teresa knit for you, made of equal parts rainbow and hope.  And it's FRAGILE.

4. Drying
This is perhaps the most dangerous, because it can potentially involve interactions with other people.  There is the general annoyance of finding that beautiful middle ground between "My clothes are apparently made of glacial meltwater" and "my clothes are magma-temperature and now suitable for Felicity, my American Girl Doll, to wear" in the sogginess spectrum, but the real crisis here is when someone else's clothes are in the dryer.  There are some rules here:

If you need to move someone else's clothing from a dryer, it will ALWAYS be underwear, and 7 out of 10 times it will be underwear belonging to someone of the opposite sex.

This person's things will be completed, but still in the dryer, for at least an hour after the cycle ends.

This person will appear the second you actually lose patience and begin to move their things.  Also, 7 out of 10 times, they will appear at the same instant you accidentally drop a garment on the floor.

My most recent experience with this was moving a man's underwear and socks which had been in the dryer, complete, for 90 minutes.  The underwear all had the Playboy bunny screenprinted on them.  I feel NO REMORSE OR SHAME FOR MOVING IT.  Thank GOD he did not show up. 

Someone invent self-cleaning socks and I will love you forever.

Ain't passed the bar presents: Recent Hits!

Trying a new thing for this post, and hoping that if I pick a theme I may update more often.  I recently turned in a brief, so my life is hypothetically my own again (no longer belongs to the 4th Amendment) and I have spring break now so I hope to make you laugh once again.  Plus, this is WAY more fun to write about than warrantless searches.   The day my brief was due I definitely looked like Ke$ha and the Grim Reaper made a baby (IT'S A GIRL)

Wake up in the morning feelin' like Grim Reaper
Grab my scythe I'm out the door I'm gonna be a creeper
'Fore I leave, shine my skull with a bottle of Jack
I may not be the greatest party but my robes sure are black
I'M TALKIN'

Sorry, done.

This is unrelated to the rest of the post, but if you are lost on a road, please DO NOT drive 15 under the speed limit and brake at every street.  Pull over.  Figure out where you are.  If you don't do this, I will hunt you down, sedate you, and alter your cerebrum so that you now hear the word "got" as spoken  by Ke$ha, "love" as sung by Celine Dion, and "under" as sung by the lead singer of Creed.  Forever.  Yeah, that's right.

Today's recent hit song that's getting torn apart is Enrique Inglesias' "Tonight," featuring Ludacris.  Heyy lyrics, heyyy.

I know you want me
I made it obvious that I want you too
How?  The song?  And how do you know for a fact that she wants you?  That's a bold statement, Enrique.

So put it on me
Let's remove the space between me and you
Wait, wait... put WHAT on you?  My drink on your tab?  Gladly.  Also "remove the space" is a really awkward line, champski.  Just say come closer.

So move your body
Damn I like the way that you move
So give it to me
Cause I already know what you wanna do
She's probs already dancing, champ, but if not, I do like how you're all like, "DANCE monkey DANCE" and then two seconds later like, "nice job!"  Also, what is she giving to you?  Is this still the drink on your tab thing?  Because I'd like that.  What does she wanna do?  I don't know, fill me in!  Suspense is killing me!

Here's the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do
The lovely Adrienne had something to say about this: "Has he really been to every nation? Even Vanuatu?  Even Trinidad and Tobago?  Even Eritrea?"  Plus you know the Pope is chillin' in Vatican City and shouting out "BITCH WE COUNT AND YOU AIN'T BEEN HERE."  Just kidding, the Pope wouldn't say that.  It'd be in Latin.

You know my motivation 
Given my reputation
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
But tonight I'm f***ing you
Your... reputation?  Enrique?  Enrique "I Can Kiss Away the Pain" Inglesias?  Enrique "I Don't Wanna Be In The Dark Tonight" Inglesias?  You've been with the same woman for nearly a decade.  Yes, that woman is Kournikova, but your reputation is Enrique "oh my God I loved this ballad when I was in seventh grade" and "we're karaoke-ing this right now because I've had 6 shots" Inglesias. 
Also, not meaning to be rude?  ur doin it rong.  Does this line "do it" for anyone?   It makes me feel uncomfortable.  And the radio version makes me pee myself laughing: he doesn't mean to be rude but tonight he's loving you. AWWWW ENRIQUE

You're so damn pretty
If I had a type then baby it would be you
...huh?  Are you too cool to have a type?  Is having a type uncool?  What happened?

I know you're ready
If I never lied then baby you'd be the truth
Aaaaand challenging the last line for pure WTF-ness is this gem.  Is this part of your non-existent reputation?  How is she the truth?  Is this chick the Mirror of Erised or Veritaserum (HP reference CHHHHECK)?  I'm not even kidding can someone plz fill me in on what he's trying to convey here?

been to every nation, banging you tonight, etc.

Hey Luda, how you be?  Your turn!

Tonight I'm gonna do
Everything that I want with you
Everything that you need
Everything that you want
I wanna honey
I wanna stunt with you
I'm really hoping that everything that you want and everything that SHE wants are the same.  Also, have your parents never walked you through the difference between a want and a need?  Come on, Luda.  Also, suburban white girl says: I really am still not sure when the word "stunt" is appropriate.

From the window
To the wall
Gonna give you, my all
Li'l Jon was reached for comment: "WHHAAAT?  OKAY!"

Winter and summertime
When I get you on the springs
I'm gonna make you fall
No.  You're better than that.

You got that body that make me wanna
Get up on the floor just to see you dance
Make sure to move too, Luda, otherwise you're That Creepy Guy at the club.

And I love the way you shake that ass
Turn around and let me see them pants
Oh, Ludacris, you charmer.  They probably look the same from the front.  Also I absolutely just started humming "Tuuurn arooooound, bright eyes" at that line, so now I wrecked it.

You're stuck with me
I'm stuck with you
Let's find something to do
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
Was there a comically-timed power outage to make you get stuck with each other?  Handcuffs that someone lost the key to?  How are you stuck with each other?  Also I generally think of something else to do before I jump to sexytimes.  Just a thought.
And you DO mean to be rude.  I also hope you both got your own girl.  Otherwise Luda is either the best or worst wingman for 'Rique, I can't decide.

And it continues for the lovely chorus, and wraps up with OOOOooooh, OOOOoooooooh, fading out.  I picture Enrique and Ludacris fading into the background, giving each other fistpumps and going home alone.  This song is absurd.  And now I have Total Eclipse of the Heart in my head, and you do too.  AND I NEEEEED YOU MORE THAN EVAAAAAR

Love you guys.

To the pain.

That's what law school feels like sometimes.  "It means I leave you in anguish.  Wallowing in freakish misery forever."  Whaddup Westley.

Just wanted to say despite my last post, thank you to everyone who made me feel happy on my birthday, and the lack of posting is a direct reflection of the metric ton of law school crap that has landed on me.  I will update soon.  I have not forgotten you.  (All 12 or so of you.)

If you see me around, ignore the fact that I look like KE$HA, sound like JWOWW and probs smell like the Bog of Eternal Stench.  Ignore it and don't point it out because I'll disembowel you.  I HATE THIS BRIEF.

Lots of love coming soon.   

One day, there will be a federal holiday on my birthday. Until then...

This part has nothing to do with the rest of the post, but I was told earlier this week, "You seem like the kind of person who secretly has a tattoo.  Like, all of Corinthians on your back, in really tiny print."  ('sup Tarik.  Yeah, you is gettin' a shout-out.)  I can't decide if this is absurdly accurate or just absurd but either way I love it.  Thoughts/opinions?

There is very little limit to the things I hate this week.  The list includes people who park across two spaces, that ten minutes in the morning when not one of my radio presets is actually playing music, those who speak when they have no clue about the topic, anyone who stands in doorways when I'm trying to walk, my brief, getting cold-called and being on call in one day, the completely inadequate amount of sleep I've received in the past three days, the fact that I'm currently blogging instead of writing my brief, aaaaand the fact that I just used "blog" as a verb.  I told myself I wouldn't go there, and I did.  Oh, I did.

Guess what, kiddies?  My FAVE holiday is coming up, and I think you all know what it is!!!!111  VALENTINE'S DAYYYYYYAAAAYYY!

I don't know if I have any readers who don't know me personally/don't have access to my Facebook page, but my unfortunate day of birth is February 14th.  Frankly, this is bullshit.  I am not designed to be born on that day.  However, because I am, I decided a long time ago that this gave me the Golden Ticket to get into the factory, drink the whole damn chocolate river, and hate on V-Day as much as humanly possible.  I am also going to call the day in question VD for the rest of the post, and you will both enjoy it and appreciate it, mmmkay?

You may find it interesting to know that I am not single, and still hate this holiday.  My poor boy is scrambling as we speak to not be a fail for both my birthday and TEH MOST ROMANTIK DAI EVAR and in case I wasn't clear enough to him over the past week: calm down, dude.  You doin' jus' fine.

For a majority of my life, I was single on this day, which accomplishes two goals: making me feel like shit for being alone on both VD and my birthday, and making me feel like shit for attempting to claw my friends away from their respective significant others to spend the day with me, celebrating my aging.  Nearly every ign'ant person I spoke to, upon finding out my birthday was on Venereal Disease, said "OH EM GEE, that's so cute! He'd better get you two gifts!!!!1111"

If someone's born on Christmas Day, do you say "I hope Santa brings you two presents!" No, because you will later find out the kid's a Buddhist.  If someone's born on July 4th, do you say "I hope the country you live in celebrates its independence TWICE!"  If someone's born on April Fools' Day, do you say "I hope people pull twice the number of unfunny, unoriginal jokes for you because it's YOUR DAYYYY"  No, because ign'ance apparently stops at "You were born on VD = you came out of the womb with a macking partner." 

Hallmark's decided it's runnin' this, let's go (I'M ON A BOAT!  I'm on a boat, motha f***as, buy cliches from me), and Kay Jewelers is conceited enough to believe that every bit o' lovin' comes directly from the sparklies it sells.  I wonder if they shot down "Every conception begins with Kay's" before settling on their current slogan.

They've also managed to make every girl in the world look like the lisping female every male stand-up comedian turns women into (can we stop this?  Not joking here.  You whack, you twisted, your Stereotype of a Girl's a ho.  Stop making me lisp and sound nasally and maybe, just maybe, I won't make you eat your own microphone), by implying that even if yo' woman don't say she want a li'l bit of ice, she SO do, son.  She want that sparkly shit all up in her earlobes, on her neck, it don't matter if she say she don't want it.  You know she do 'cause all girls be wantin' that shit.

So, even when we say we don't want diamonds, or even want anything at all, you've decided we're lying, and we do?  Anybody else see a problem with this?  My lovely friend Kyrie puts it this way: "I don't need roses.  Just a little consideration.  And that doesn't secretly mean I want diamonds: when I want diamonds I will tell you I want diamonds... Just be nice to me all year and we're good."

It's gotten better-ish now than it was in middle and high school (probs because I was lonely/alone for most of that time, and even more awkward than I am currently, if you can believe it: all of the geekiness, none of the confidence), but during those times I pretty much wanted to walk around with a switchblade and hack the limbs off of any 4-foot teddy bear I saw being carried through the hallways.  The first bunch of years there weren't super text-riffic, but I can just imagine them now:

Teen 1: ooo gurl u got 2 see tha teddy bear tha boi got me its sooo cute
Teen 2: awww u so lucky!!! did he get u nething else
Teen 1: yea he got me that braclet at claires that i showed u, remember its got hearts all ovah it
Teen 2: yeah i remember it cant beleive its 3 weeks since u guyz hooked up
Teen 1: omg i no i totally luv him and were goin 2 panera tonight 4 dinner
Teen 2: oo u slut i hate u jkjk u no i love u bitch <3
Teen 1: u bitch jkjkjk i luv u ho

I was the girl wearing black at first, and then in later years handing out candy to every one because f*** that if you don't get chocolate on VD because you're not dating someone.  Chocolate is delicious and everyone should have some.  Which is why I'm going to go to CVS in the next twelve hours and buy a giant, heart-shaped collection of deliciousness and eat it all myself because I CAN.  

Dear Lord Jesus I hate this holiday.