This entire episode was one long terribly written chapter fanfiction mated with a foghorn noise with a dash of misogyny and a whole heap of racism
This stupid stupid stupid show
I was mad from the literal opening credits because they labeled Sunspear "Dorne" which it's not, Dorne is the country. This is yes, kind of minor, but considering that Dorne is home to some of the few people of color we've seen on this show, it felt preeeeetty gross watching it. It's like having a close up map of Nairobi and labeling it "Africa." Get it the fuck together, show.
More racism at 11 BUT FIRST
The Wall
Carice van Houten must have signed an agreement in Ghiscari which stated "we promise to keep giving you time on the show, but only in incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary scenes with your boobs out" because gurl WHY. The group I was watching with all legit said "OH COME ON" when that happened because why. why. why is this important or something that would work. Jon is still mourning Ygritte hugely, and Melisandre, you can feel a heartbeart without undressing. Learn to take a goddamn pulse, girl. All in the wrists, HEYYYOOO. And I didn't even LIKE Ygritte's catchphrase but can u not forever plz
Literally the only thing I can say I liked in this whole episode was the scene with Stannis and Shireen. Shireen is still wonderful, and the scene with Stannis made up for his garbage one with Melisandre tenfold. This is the stuff I want to see. I also felt like it was consistent with his character to not say something like "of course I love you, you're my daughter" but instead to say something like "I was not going to let you die because you are my heir" which is a very Stannis-y thing to say. Idk guys, I'm trying to find light in the darkness and right now it's basically only Shireen. Additionally, I have started to see everything in this show in terms of Arrested Westeros, which is not a bad thing, so of course I immediately thought "Why are you squeezing me with your body" and so did my beloved Scuzzo, who texted me this quote at the same time.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
This is garbage. This could have been the coolest thing this season because they cut the Greyjoys but no, we have decided to turn this into a Puritan witchhunt with shitty head tattoos and dramatic Westerosi opera music because fuck subtlety??? No no it's cool everyone knows Loras is gay??? Also King Tommen "Michael Cera" Baratheon, the First of His George Michael Bluth-y Name, King of the Andals and the Banana Stand is trying to talk and it's adorable but killing me. I am however slightly enjoying this "I just learned about sex and it is now my sole motivation" because as far as teenage boy accuracy goes, yeah, spot on.
This plot line is not totally off in the show, but whereas the plotline in the book is a subtle embroidery of good politicking, bad politicking, betrayal, surprises, and religion, the show version is Mahler 6's hammer with a Wagner doing the soundtrack. UGGGGGHHHH
Don't you touch Sansa
Clumsy poorly-lit plot exposition oh heyyyyy. Not even gonna touch the "Stannis will save you don't you worry your pretty little head about The Worst Person in the World you're about to marry okay byyyyyye" thing that he does because ughhhhh.
Guys, if you're watching the show, and haven't read the books, genuine question: do you know or care who Lyanna Stark was? I'd discuss this more but I don't want to get spoiler-y (even if it is just theories at this point). I personally am fascinated by this back story, but it is, frankly, not hugely important yet to the plot. It could be, for a whole bunch of reasons, but not yet. But anyway, what's the general opinion for non-book people? I'm annoyed at the way they handled this because OF COURSE I AM I'M ALWAYS MAD because guys, like, on the list of ways I'd like information delivered to me, "in a crypt by Littlefinger who then touches Sansa" is at the bottom, after "by a bullhorn directly in my ear" and "by Daario" FUCK DAARIO MAN
The second worst thing on this show after Daario
Jaime and Bronn screw this entire goddamn plotline forever and this stupid show too. I hate everything. You KNOW a twist is bad when Bronn, fucking BRONN, has to be like "hey, uh, you can't really fight and you're like mega-recognizable what is the point of this diversion from canon." The writers decided Jaime just repeatedly saying "it had to be me" was satisfactory. You can't just throw words at an enormous, gaping plothole and throw in some garbage about hunting your brother and the plot hole is now *~*magically*~* filled. And calm the fuck down, When Harry Met Sally, it did not have to be you. It could have been literally anybody else and this would have made more sense. Garbage. Literal garbage. That snake getting cooked was the best part of this entire sequence, and immediately after that was Bronn's decent "why the fucking fuck are you here." I didn't hate Bronn for like one hot second, and then he got the line "all the Dornish like to do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck." THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT FROM YOU HOOOOOW, SIR. YOU ARE THE SAME. TEN YEARS AGO, YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH JAIME'S GOLD HAND AND HONESTLY PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW ANYWAY JUST FOR KICKS. STOP BEING RACIST AND WASH YOUR HAIR.
Racism but this time with women!
Additionally, we get our first look at the Sand Snakes, who inexplicably all look the same despite their mothers being completely different human beings plus Nym goes up to Ellaria who is, at best, a decade older than her like "MUM"
CAN WE NOT. Guys, the oldest Sand Snakes are not related to Ellaria, they are not her daughters. They are also not effectively gross racist clones of each other because every brown person gets styled the same???? After seeing the curved swords they gave to the Dornish men who got killed by Jaime and Bronn because ooohhhh dark people can't have straight swords, I am not even a little bit excited to see the portrayal of the Sand Snakes. If you can't make actually different characters into actually different characters I am not even a little bit interested. Plus, you cut Arianne, and it's looking more and more like you did so because you don't think we're smart enough to keep all these women straight. Ladies be shoppin' or something???? Also Obara's story about choosing the spear is pretty freaking cool but ONLY IF WE'RE INTRODUCED TO HER AS A PERSON FIRST. The script for this scene read like a bad romance novel where the dude is *!*~* super dreeeeammy*!*~* but inexplicably decides to tell you his entire life back story when you meet. The other characters in the scene know this about her already, and the viewers don't care. We've gone from Michelle Fairley's absolutely heartbreaking Season 3 Episode 9 script to this garbage. I've read better fanfiction, and I'm UN-NOYED.
If you were wondering if I could get angrier JUST YOU WAIT
HAAAAAATEEEEEE
The last scene of this show made the least sense and I know it's just a show, I know, but HBO is touching things I love and ruining them and making money off of a lack of character consistency and killing off characters with important plot roles because they are not mainstream sexy?? or something?? and because we like to see things die for no reason???
Barristan Selmy, while a grandpa, is in fact undefeated in battle.
The Unsullied are raised from birth to no longer feel pain and be utterly superior to everyone else at battle.
The Sons of the Harpy are either 1. rich kids dressed in the Meereenese equivalent of Sperrys and polo shirts or 2. sellswords working for the rich kids and are assassins. Like, secret. In secret. Not daylight. In darkness.
If this show, if this fucking show, killed off Barristan (and it's looking like they really might have) to make narrative room for Daario I WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND. EVERYTHING. DO YOU HEAR ME, HBO??? DO YOU HEAR ME. EVERYTHING. DOWN TO THE REN FAIRE WHERE YOU WROTE DAARIO'S CHARACTER AND FOUND HIS STYLIST.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3: High Sparrow
Guyssssss I'm struggling to write these because things are getting less funny and more horribly wrong
Halp
Arya and The House of Black and White
Okay, so I do not HATE what they're doing with Arya. Many of the scenes they're showing are not from the books, but they are really pretty cool. I'll even ignore the fact that the entire lighting department took a week off when they were shooting her scenes and they had to emergency-hire some fireflies (seriously, The Faceless Men? more like The Squinting Men amirite), but unf, I like it. The Waif is creepy as heck, and Jaqennnn I do not care even a little bit that you're decidedly not supposed to be here, Valar Morhaeris (All Men Must Have Your Excellent Hair). Maisie absolutely killed it in her scene with Needle: I didn't cry because I did all my Needle crying in the books, but UNF. The book line lists a whole bunch of things that Needle represents to Arya, up to and including Jon Snow's smile so no really it's okay I'll just go over here and soak in my own tears. Anyway. Freakin' show, man, but at least they're getting this right.
Speaking of things they're getting right
The Wall
JON MOTHEREFFING SNOW. Hair so thick everybody in the room uncomfortable. In the books, Janos Slynt is much more difficult for much longer, and it makes complete sense as to why Jon would have to execute him. However, the actual scene was pretty great, up to and including Slynt's begging for mercy and the moment of tension. I knew what was going to happen, and I was still like "oh wait maybe he won't" which is just good television, y'all. However
Speaking of things they're getting wrong? Stannis. Bleh. Stannis mocking someone for being too honorable is like a pot with a stick up its ass calling the kettle uptight. We apparently do not care about character consistency here, and Davos' presence is kind of screwing that up for me as well. While I appreciated his pep talk, I miss his chapters from ADWD, since they were pretty freaking cool, and him being at the Wall is messing with my perception of Stannis, so I feel you, boo, but go find some Manderlys (they didn't cast them I get it I get it I just want it the way I want it okay)
King's Landing
I'd like to think I'm a mature human being. I'd like to think I'm even more than that: so highbrow my eyes disappear into my hairline and I float above the masses like mist. I'd like to think I'm an adult. But hand to God when Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men said "it was over so quickly!" to Margaery on their wedding night I may have died laughing because I DARE you to write any other line for teenage boy (heck, any person ever) having sex with Natalie Dormer for the first time. And honestly? It was a very sweet scene. I think it did an excellent job of showing how Tommen is genuinely a good kid, even if he is a bit stupid. It is messing with the plot a bit to have him older (he's 8 in the novels and certainly not about to produce any heirs), mostly because if he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to show up for goddamn Small Council meetings. Plus if Ser Pounce isn't around you don't even have a good excuse to not be there. "I was hanging with my super cool cat" doesn't fly anymore. THE POUNCE WAS GIVETH, AND THE POUNCE WAS TAKETH AWAY.
Yayyyy, unnecessary nudity wooo but the "it's always the Maiden" was a good line (the women are dressed up like the Seven, and instead of picking, say, the Crone, Mr. Septon here is going for the obvious choice like the naked old punk he is).
If you're sitting there like "whyyyy does the High Sparrow look so familiar?" it is because he was Governor Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean and stop pretending you were too cool to like those movies we all liked those movies plus dude had a sick wig.
This has the potential to be ridiculously amazing, since we've got a pretty cool dude as High Sparrow, and the show does seem dedicated to having this plot actually happen, but I am nervous, guys. More nervous because Qyburn exists. I knew that stupid thing was gonna jump and I STILL JUMPED. I am ashamed. I am just a little bit mad because we have decided to reduce the fighting to Real Housewives of King's Landing level (like who were Margaery's little groupies Do Not Understand) and turn this into a "women be backstabbin'" joke. Margaery's comment of "what is your new title?" is even dumb, because yo you already got married to her other kid and her husband is dead so like...you're queen NOW after you and Tommen had the quickest sex ever known to man? Nope. Cersei was Dowager Queen at least an entire season ago? Idk. Also "hahaha Cersei has a drinking problem" is a straight up reality show line and I thought someone was gonna flip a table and I'm not here for that, guys.
Tyrion
Driving me up a wall. The character and how he's being written and the implication that I still care about his moral center. Just So Done. Him flicking open the window again and again is like the medieval equivalent of some douchebag white kid whose dad is a billionaire complaining that the champagne served to him on his flight to Marseilles wasn't Dom, and they wouldn't let him open the windows on the plane not even for a second. Shut the fuck up, Declan. No one cares about you and your first world traveling problems. Tyrion is pulling the time-honored tradition of "I am rich so the rules don't apply to me" by murdering two people, getting away with it, and then instead of being grateful that he's alive, complaining about his accommodations. I don't even like Varys very much, and I still would 100% support him in his choice to totally just stab Tyrion. My favorite part was Tyrion going "I'm one drunk dwarf halfway across the world, what could happen?" Oh, I don't know, Brightest Witch of Her Age, maybe you get killed because they're killing every dwarf, or WAIT someone recognizes you and idk maybe kidnaps you or something uggghhh you're SO DUMB and I just want to tell you that some people have war in their countries. (someone please get this ANTM reference please please please)
The most ridiculous was our "oh no I am A Good Person I can't get it up for this prostitute" moment. YOU KILLED YOUR LAST WHORE. YOU KILLED HER. I do not care/it is irrelevant for your level of goodness that oh no you couldn't POSSIBLY pay this girl for sex because ****feeeeelings***. Screw this show. I am also absolutely convinced that one of his chapters in book 5 discusses the sex he's had since Shae but can someone confirm? I spent like 40 minutes trying to find it and gave up because reading Tyrion's chapters is making my head hurt.
Sansa and Brienne and the Boltons
Brienne's monologue was actually pretty great, the whole "he kept me from being a joke" MY HEARTTTT. Also precious Podrick is too good for this world and while I'm not so psyched with the weird plot changes, you know what? Go ahead and rescue Sansa because OH MY GOD NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
Put that thing back where it came from, or SO HELP ME
I called it I called it I called it I hate everything. This entire plotline makes NO SENSE. Why do this? Why give her to Ramsay? And I'm asking this both plot-wise and "you have a goddamn responsibility to not be repulsive, yes, you, yes, even when you're making a TV show"-wise. Benioff and Weiss have said that this plot gives Sansa "something meaty to work with" because Sophie is such an amazing actress, and while she's a great actress, I am so. fucking. done. with "meaty parts" for great female actresses to be beginning and end list "at risk of or actually going to be raped." STOP IT. YOU'RE AWFUL. You're basically implying that rape makes female characters more interesting.
Also, plot-wise, this is equally horrific. Baelish saying to Ramsay that he's a mystery and he hasn't heard much about him is like...what. You know everything about everyone and he's literally the worst person in this whole book series not a joke and you're GIVING HIM SANSA. You KNOW, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE. Roose then calls Baelish important or something which like, no, the whole point of him having to be tricksy is because he's from a nothing house, and to be like "you have the Vale" NO HE DOESN'T. Even for people who haven't read the books: are you surprised when I say that in the actual books, the Arryn bannermen are mostly pretty pissed off that Petyr Baelish is in charge? Oh, you're NOT? Oh hey look at that marrying a lady and then her mysteriously dying a couple days later does not make you trustworthy. None of this makes any sense, and the writers are doing it so we can force a "meaty" plot point of Sansa getting horribly mistreated. I hate this. I HATE this. My reaction to like 8 whole minutes of this episode could be summed up by a gif of Sophie Turner's "nope" head shake when Littlefinger tells her she's going to marry Ramsay.
UGHHHH GUYS THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME SO MAD AND I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT...WELL, EVERYTHING
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 2: The House of Black and White
Better but still bleh
In case you're just starting out with us here at All My Feelings, All The Time, I love Sansa and hate Daario.
Cersei
In Case You Missed It, Kevan Lannister, Tywin's younger brother, popped up for a quick scene to get mad at Cersei for telling the entire Small Council that sorry, Tommen can't come hang right now, he's playing XBox or whatever she actually said. No one I was watching with knew who Kevan was, and I reeeeeally think the show needed to be like "this is who this person is" because guys, come on, he hasn't been on the show in years. Idk what's happening here yet, y'all, but Sunday's ep is the High Sparrow so let's do this.
Brienne and Sansa
They don't hang out in the books, y'all. And Petyr is gross and this scene was gross and bleh.
Not a fan of Sansa's "I saw you at the wedding" line because like...what. Brienne's line "neither of us wanted to be there" line is totally accurate but Sansa KNOWS this and like, what is the point. If they were trying to make it clear that she's being sneaky and is actually not hating on Brienne, they did a crappy job. Kinda wish Brienne had just been like "I'm sorry, my lady, but I wasn't at Joffrey's wedding in the books, so idk take it up with Benioff and Weiss. Can we just go now? This scene is dumb." Just break the fourth wall that way. Then Gwendoline and Sophie can skip away happily together while flipping off the camera.
Also digs in that Lady Stoneheart is nowhere so yayyyy ugh screw this season guys I am Grumpy McGrumperson I'm sorry
Dorne
What do you call Emilio Estevez when he watches the first scene in Dorne? Emilio Unimpresstevez. (h/t Scuzzo)
I hated this so. much. SO much, guys. This entire scene basically felt like a bad Spanish soap opera up to and including the music. You have Alexander Siddig as Doran, with SO MUCH potential here, and we did nothing with the entire scene, which was the FIRST TIME they're showing Dorne. They are also ruining Ellaria's character because they refused to cast Arianne.
The refusal to cast Arianne Martell was one of the main reasons I was already disappointed in this season before it began. Arianne is Doran's daughter, who is strongly opinionated, ruthless, charismatic, and the goddamn HEIR to Doran. Dorne is so important because they practice primogeniture: the firstborn, male or female, inherits. She is a POV character later on, and her specific planning is crazy important for all of Westeros, and they just CUT her out. They are most likely going to give some of her plot to Ellaria, which makes no sense, as they are entirely different women (sidebar: Ellaria would NEVER hurt a child, ever, so her claim to want to cut Myrcella up makes no sense). They are going to give some of her plot to the Sand Snakes, who are Oberyn's daughters, several of them by Ellaria (which is why her saying "the Sand Snakes are with me" makes zero sense because you don't say that, some of them are your daughters who are still babies and just wut). And they are going to cut some of her plot out, because of this next section, and I'm pissed.
Jaime goes to Dorne
Just for the record, Jaime does not go to Dorne in the books. He is pretty much sent to the North to clean up the whole "shit, Robb Stark is dead, what do we do now" mess. Edmure Tully is still very alive, as is the Blackfish, who is still holding out under a siege. I really enjoy Jaime's chapters when he's doing this, because we get to see him politicking for pretty much the first time: he's still trying to learn how to fight with only one arm, so this is basically all he can do. It's also an important part of his redemption arc, since it demonstrates that he can still be pretty ruthless: he threatens to throw Edmure's soon to be born child over a castle's wall if he doesn't comply.
What the fuck was this Bronn scene, for reals. Is this amateur hour? Just to recap: Bronn was given his betrothed, Lollys, by Cersei in exchange for not engaging in the trial by combat on Tyrion's behalf. In the books, Lollys is pregnant from rape, and is developmentally disabled. While those things are not true in the show, she is still GIVEN to Bronn. When Bronn comes to tell Tyrion "moats before mates" and peaces out never to be heard from again, he tells the reader that while Lollys is not the heir, the heir is her older, barren sister, and she's going to have some kind of accident at some point. Bronn's going to kill her and become Lord Stokeworth and continue to have children with his nonconsenting wife. Bronn is GARBAGE.
Oh, but Bronn in the show is so ****sassyyyy**** I literally do not give a shit about Jaime and Bronn's excellent adventures. He is Daario 2.0, a more weathered but equally treacherous above average warrior, who has risen to importance only because important characters and the fandom can't get enough of Liam Neeson/Captain Jack Sparrow-esque quips coming out of men's mouths.
Also, how is this going to work, exactly? Oh noes, we can't send an army to Dorne, that would be a declaration of WAR. Our next best option is clearly three hands on two dudes who encompass the spectrum of Westeros' best and worst-dressed. (*grudgingly admits that Nikolaj looks freaking great in his stupid outfit*)
I am Not Here For an obnoxious Medieval Fun Time Land version of Two and a Half Men.
However, I am decidedly Here For -
The Wall
Shireen teaching Gilly to read? Yes yes and more yes. I absolutely adore Shireen, and the actress playing her is doing an excellent job of being a cute as heck kid who is not annoying. Gilly is a self-deprecating delight, and Shireen's encouraging joke about "I taught stupid old men how to read you got this don't even worry" was A++++. Also I know Selyse is supposed to be kinda creepy but she literally just reminds me of the mom from Hairspray basically not allowing her daughter to play with other kids because of the devil or something.
Jon's Lord Commander election was not terrible, but I didn't love it. In the books, Sam does a huge amount of pretty great negotiating to get Jon elected, and while they do chant his name, it's definitely more evident that the rest of the Night's Watch isn't just like "ho hum we lost guess we should go back to whacking each other with sticks or...what is it we do again? OH YEAH WATCH ON THE WALL", they're more like "I am Not Pleased Mr. Kit, I don't care HOW good your smoulder is, you are an infant and a wildling and you've had sex and your dad was a lord so we are PISSED OFF." It wasn't awful, it just wasn't as subtle as the book was, and I missed that and am therefore a little sad.
Jon's face when Sam stands up was the funniest moment of the episode, just his beautiful little pout suddenly turning into "FFS SAM CAN U NOT" and I loved it.
They are screwing up Stannis pretty badly and not using him to his full potential and bleh. We'll see, but I do not have high hopes, and I really like Stannis, y'all.
Arya
Actually great. Really liked this scene. Really honestly did. Maisie is playing the stone-cold badass especially well considering she has a face like actual sunshine, and I'm legitimately scared of her, which is like being scared of a French bulldog puppy but she MAKES IT WORK. Her "prayer" (the recitation of names of people she wants to kill) overnight in the rain was a particularly good scene, and I don't really have anything to criticize here.
Many bookreaders are pissed that Jaqen is back, specifically that Tom Wlaschiha, the actor, is back, and they do have a point: there is really no reason the House of Black and White would reuse a face to teach her. She refers to this man as The Kindly Man in the books, and he doesn't look like Jaqen. But you know what? Tom is really pretty and it's nice to see a familiar face and screw it, I'm on board. We need more beautiful things in this series and A Man can get it, so A Man can totally stay.
Daenerys
So once again Daario proves that he sucks enormously. Specifically, by giving some ridiculous speech about how "if you've forgotten how to fear, you've forgotten that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's the decision that something is more important than fear" oh no wait that's Mia Thermopolis' dad in a birthday card in The Princess Diaries. My B. Maybe this week Grey Worm will give him a wedgie.
This week's best thing I saw on Twitter was about her plotline. Someone tweeted "this scene is the best example of 'hoe don't do it' I've ever seen in my life" and I couldn't stop laughing. I tweeted "oh hey look white saviors don't always work out so great do they" and I stand by this completely. Dany standing there simply saying "slavery is wrong" louder and louder does not actually fix any problems. This scene grossed me out a little bit because you have the large group of brown people calling her "Mother" and then hissing(?) when she carries out the sentence and it just reminded me a lot of the racist grossness of the Dothraki portrayal in the first season and book. I also am not sure if I just missed it or if it genuinely didn't happen, but "this man shall have a trial" got thrown out the window for Moqorro, I guess? Like, girl, the point of laws is that they apply to everyone. Idk, guys. I get that this is a tough plotline but can we be a liiiiittle less racist please and thanks.
Do you guys think Rhaegal and Viserion are just working their hardest to perfect "Roman's Revenge" while trapped in there because they literally are dungeon dragons right now? Sorry not sorry. Also pretty sure they just reused some Smaug animation for Drogon and he's been off burning Lake-town and just came back to say hi. Drogon's voice will be provided by Benedict Cumberbatch, who also did motion capture. (Drogon does not talk...FOR NOW)
In case you're just starting out with us here at All My Feelings, All The Time, I love Sansa and hate Daario.
Cersei
In Case You Missed It, Kevan Lannister, Tywin's younger brother, popped up for a quick scene to get mad at Cersei for telling the entire Small Council that sorry, Tommen can't come hang right now, he's playing XBox or whatever she actually said. No one I was watching with knew who Kevan was, and I reeeeeally think the show needed to be like "this is who this person is" because guys, come on, he hasn't been on the show in years. Idk what's happening here yet, y'all, but Sunday's ep is the High Sparrow so let's do this.
Brienne and Sansa
They don't hang out in the books, y'all. And Petyr is gross and this scene was gross and bleh.
Not a fan of Sansa's "I saw you at the wedding" line because like...what. Brienne's line "neither of us wanted to be there" line is totally accurate but Sansa KNOWS this and like, what is the point. If they were trying to make it clear that she's being sneaky and is actually not hating on Brienne, they did a crappy job. Kinda wish Brienne had just been like "I'm sorry, my lady, but I wasn't at Joffrey's wedding in the books, so idk take it up with Benioff and Weiss. Can we just go now? This scene is dumb." Just break the fourth wall that way. Then Gwendoline and Sophie can skip away happily together while flipping off the camera.
Also digs in that Lady Stoneheart is nowhere so yayyyy ugh screw this season guys I am Grumpy McGrumperson I'm sorry
Dorne
What do you call Emilio Estevez when he watches the first scene in Dorne? Emilio Unimpresstevez. (h/t Scuzzo)
I hated this so. much. SO much, guys. This entire scene basically felt like a bad Spanish soap opera up to and including the music. You have Alexander Siddig as Doran, with SO MUCH potential here, and we did nothing with the entire scene, which was the FIRST TIME they're showing Dorne. They are also ruining Ellaria's character because they refused to cast Arianne.
The refusal to cast Arianne Martell was one of the main reasons I was already disappointed in this season before it began. Arianne is Doran's daughter, who is strongly opinionated, ruthless, charismatic, and the goddamn HEIR to Doran. Dorne is so important because they practice primogeniture: the firstborn, male or female, inherits. She is a POV character later on, and her specific planning is crazy important for all of Westeros, and they just CUT her out. They are most likely going to give some of her plot to Ellaria, which makes no sense, as they are entirely different women (sidebar: Ellaria would NEVER hurt a child, ever, so her claim to want to cut Myrcella up makes no sense). They are going to give some of her plot to the Sand Snakes, who are Oberyn's daughters, several of them by Ellaria (which is why her saying "the Sand Snakes are with me" makes zero sense because you don't say that, some of them are your daughters who are still babies and just wut). And they are going to cut some of her plot out, because of this next section, and I'm pissed.
Jaime goes to Dorne
Just for the record, Jaime does not go to Dorne in the books. He is pretty much sent to the North to clean up the whole "shit, Robb Stark is dead, what do we do now" mess. Edmure Tully is still very alive, as is the Blackfish, who is still holding out under a siege. I really enjoy Jaime's chapters when he's doing this, because we get to see him politicking for pretty much the first time: he's still trying to learn how to fight with only one arm, so this is basically all he can do. It's also an important part of his redemption arc, since it demonstrates that he can still be pretty ruthless: he threatens to throw Edmure's soon to be born child over a castle's wall if he doesn't comply.
What the fuck was this Bronn scene, for reals. Is this amateur hour? Just to recap: Bronn was given his betrothed, Lollys, by Cersei in exchange for not engaging in the trial by combat on Tyrion's behalf. In the books, Lollys is pregnant from rape, and is developmentally disabled. While those things are not true in the show, she is still GIVEN to Bronn. When Bronn comes to tell Tyrion "moats before mates" and peaces out never to be heard from again, he tells the reader that while Lollys is not the heir, the heir is her older, barren sister, and she's going to have some kind of accident at some point. Bronn's going to kill her and become Lord Stokeworth and continue to have children with his nonconsenting wife. Bronn is GARBAGE.
Oh, but Bronn in the show is so ****sassyyyy**** I literally do not give a shit about Jaime and Bronn's excellent adventures. He is Daario 2.0, a more weathered but equally treacherous above average warrior, who has risen to importance only because important characters and the fandom can't get enough of Liam Neeson/Captain Jack Sparrow-esque quips coming out of men's mouths.
Also, how is this going to work, exactly? Oh noes, we can't send an army to Dorne, that would be a declaration of WAR. Our next best option is clearly three hands on two dudes who encompass the spectrum of Westeros' best and worst-dressed. (*grudgingly admits that Nikolaj looks freaking great in his stupid outfit*)
I am Not Here For an obnoxious Medieval Fun Time Land version of Two and a Half Men.
However, I am decidedly Here For -
The Wall
Shireen teaching Gilly to read? Yes yes and more yes. I absolutely adore Shireen, and the actress playing her is doing an excellent job of being a cute as heck kid who is not annoying. Gilly is a self-deprecating delight, and Shireen's encouraging joke about "I taught stupid old men how to read you got this don't even worry" was A++++. Also I know Selyse is supposed to be kinda creepy but she literally just reminds me of the mom from Hairspray basically not allowing her daughter to play with other kids because of the devil or something.
Jon's Lord Commander election was not terrible, but I didn't love it. In the books, Sam does a huge amount of pretty great negotiating to get Jon elected, and while they do chant his name, it's definitely more evident that the rest of the Night's Watch isn't just like "ho hum we lost guess we should go back to whacking each other with sticks or...what is it we do again? OH YEAH WATCH ON THE WALL", they're more like "I am Not Pleased Mr. Kit, I don't care HOW good your smoulder is, you are an infant and a wildling and you've had sex and your dad was a lord so we are PISSED OFF." It wasn't awful, it just wasn't as subtle as the book was, and I missed that and am therefore a little sad.
Jon's face when Sam stands up was the funniest moment of the episode, just his beautiful little pout suddenly turning into "FFS SAM CAN U NOT" and I loved it.
They are screwing up Stannis pretty badly and not using him to his full potential and bleh. We'll see, but I do not have high hopes, and I really like Stannis, y'all.
Arya
Actually great. Really liked this scene. Really honestly did. Maisie is playing the stone-cold badass especially well considering she has a face like actual sunshine, and I'm legitimately scared of her, which is like being scared of a French bulldog puppy but she MAKES IT WORK. Her "prayer" (the recitation of names of people she wants to kill) overnight in the rain was a particularly good scene, and I don't really have anything to criticize here.
Many bookreaders are pissed that Jaqen is back, specifically that Tom Wlaschiha, the actor, is back, and they do have a point: there is really no reason the House of Black and White would reuse a face to teach her. She refers to this man as The Kindly Man in the books, and he doesn't look like Jaqen. But you know what? Tom is really pretty and it's nice to see a familiar face and screw it, I'm on board. We need more beautiful things in this series and A Man can get it, so A Man can totally stay.
Daenerys
So once again Daario proves that he sucks enormously. Specifically, by giving some ridiculous speech about how "if you've forgotten how to fear, you've forgotten that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's the decision that something is more important than fear" oh no wait that's Mia Thermopolis' dad in a birthday card in The Princess Diaries. My B. Maybe this week Grey Worm will give him a wedgie.
This week's best thing I saw on Twitter was about her plotline. Someone tweeted "this scene is the best example of 'hoe don't do it' I've ever seen in my life" and I couldn't stop laughing. I tweeted "oh hey look white saviors don't always work out so great do they" and I stand by this completely. Dany standing there simply saying "slavery is wrong" louder and louder does not actually fix any problems. This scene grossed me out a little bit because you have the large group of brown people calling her "Mother" and then hissing(?) when she carries out the sentence and it just reminded me a lot of the racist grossness of the Dothraki portrayal in the first season and book. I also am not sure if I just missed it or if it genuinely didn't happen, but "this man shall have a trial" got thrown out the window for Moqorro, I guess? Like, girl, the point of laws is that they apply to everyone. Idk, guys. I get that this is a tough plotline but can we be a liiiiittle less racist please and thanks.
Do you guys think Rhaegal and Viserion are just working their hardest to perfect "Roman's Revenge" while trapped in there because they literally are dungeon dragons right now? Sorry not sorry. Also pretty sure they just reused some Smaug animation for Drogon and he's been off burning Lake-town and just came back to say hi. Drogon's voice will be provided by Benedict Cumberbatch, who also did motion capture. (Drogon does not talk...FOR NOW)
Friday, April 17, 2015
Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1: The Wars to Come
Hey you guyyyyyyys
So on a scale of "the first season of Game of Thrones" to "the fifth season of Game of Thrones" how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN
I'M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN
I hope you missed me being angry because I'm angry already WOOOOO. I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season. In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.
I also have this new theory that Foreigner's "Head Games" is running through Petyr Baelish's head at all times. My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing "puttin' the bae in Baelish" and he's foul but I'm not mad even a little because that's great.
Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I'ma miss you, Dancer. So much. Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we'll get more Dasher Dancer and I'll be happy?
Cersei/King's Landing
So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene. The transition to Tywin's funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime's scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they're scaling it back.
Also Cersei lookin' better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.
I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that. I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they're going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei's plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you. Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.
Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven. They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.
While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude. I do not care about Olyvar, which I'm assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y's in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody). One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact. The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly's death, and I actually appreciated Martin's writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions. Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character. Therefore, this "back off, Margaery/Mom, I'll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade" is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I'm a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.
Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King's Landing, "your birthmark looks like Dorne" ARE WE JOKING. IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography. To be fair, Martin's introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than "shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS. EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS."
Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone
Brienne
Was...she...drunk? Like... does not compute. Also don't yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he's very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I'M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that's nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I'm choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it's because she's an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it's totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM
Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND
Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames
See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you're on board, aren't you? Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone? She's gorgeous and you're a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.
And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn? Like I get he's a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can't swing a sword very well is just super gross. I'm not saying he's a good person, but he is a
Tyrion
Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard
Also Illyrio "We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him" Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he's not even there. Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP
Guys, I hated Tyrion's scenes here. I just... ugh. I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point. Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me. Tossing in a little "yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol" is gross and unacceptable, because he's completely right, and it's not funny. Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.
Varys is also starting to bug me. First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Second...of...all, he's now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them? Huh? Bro, you don't do anything that doesn't benefit you in some way, so stop playing that "it's for the good of the kiiiingdom" crap. You also don't just do what Jaime Lannister says. The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can't fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is "would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?" because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.
Just....ugh. Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I'm just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh. Do better, show.
Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I'm not a staute-taker-downer
This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I'm really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene. Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don't have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.
Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER. This is literally the third couple I've given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about...most things, probably.
Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it's not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I'm sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it
Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario. Really, go ahead. Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him. Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she's ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair. She does not go "hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I'm Doing." The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people's lives are at stake. Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.
"oh noes I can't control my dragons"
"so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be...hm this is a tough one"
"ah, I've got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian"
"yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords"
"oh shit they're huge this was a mistake"
The Wall
I think I'm just going to preemptively give Kit "For Excellence in Hair" award for Season 5 because it's still beautiful and I missed it so much. And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it's "are you a virgin?" Why would it not be "what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON."
And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I'll say it and judge me all you want but he's doing really good work here. Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran "My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel" Hinds in a scene where he's debating his own death and then dying that death like...get it, boy. I'm impressed.
I'm rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis' deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but "The Night's Watch takes no part" seemed to be a good sign. Jon Snow's plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just...please don't take this from me, show. I have a lot of feelings.
SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOOOOOKS
We're all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn't dead, right? Or at least, I thought? But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what's going on here guys gah
How are they going to play Tyrion's story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.
What are we going to do with Brienne's storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee
So here's the most horrific theory I've heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole's storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I'm going to burn everything to the ground. I hate this so much I can't even articulate it properly, and I think I'm this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.
So on a scale of "the first season of Game of Thrones" to "the fifth season of Game of Thrones" how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN
I'M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN
I hope you missed me being angry because I'm angry already WOOOOO. I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season. In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.
I also have this new theory that Foreigner's "Head Games" is running through Petyr Baelish's head at all times. My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing "puttin' the bae in Baelish" and he's foul but I'm not mad even a little because that's great.
Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I'ma miss you, Dancer. So much. Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we'll get more Dasher Dancer and I'll be happy?
Cersei/King's Landing
So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene. The transition to Tywin's funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime's scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they're scaling it back.
Also Cersei lookin' better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.
I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that. I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they're going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei's plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you. Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.
Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven. They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.
While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude. I do not care about Olyvar, which I'm assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y's in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody). One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact. The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly's death, and I actually appreciated Martin's writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions. Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character. Therefore, this "back off, Margaery/Mom, I'll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade" is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I'm a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.
Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King's Landing, "your birthmark looks like Dorne" ARE WE JOKING. IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography. To be fair, Martin's introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than "shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS. EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS."
Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone
Brienne
Was...she...drunk? Like... does not compute. Also don't yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he's very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I'M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that's nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I'm choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it's because she's an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it's totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM
Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND
Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames
See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you're on board, aren't you? Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone? She's gorgeous and you're a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.
And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn? Like I get he's a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can't swing a sword very well is just super gross. I'm not saying he's a good person, but he is a
Tyrion
Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard
Also Illyrio "We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him" Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he's not even there. Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP
Guys, I hated Tyrion's scenes here. I just... ugh. I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point. Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me. Tossing in a little "yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol" is gross and unacceptable, because he's completely right, and it's not funny. Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.
Varys is also starting to bug me. First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Second...of...all, he's now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them? Huh? Bro, you don't do anything that doesn't benefit you in some way, so stop playing that "it's for the good of the kiiiingdom" crap. You also don't just do what Jaime Lannister says. The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can't fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is "would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?" because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.
Just....ugh. Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I'm just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh. Do better, show.
Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I'm not a staute-taker-downer
This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I'm really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene. Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don't have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.
Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER. This is literally the third couple I've given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about...most things, probably.
Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it's not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I'm sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it
Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario. Really, go ahead. Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him. Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she's ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair. She does not go "hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I'm Doing." The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people's lives are at stake. Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.
"oh noes I can't control my dragons"
"so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be...hm this is a tough one"
"ah, I've got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian"
"yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords"
"oh shit they're huge this was a mistake"
The Wall
I think I'm just going to preemptively give Kit "For Excellence in Hair" award for Season 5 because it's still beautiful and I missed it so much. And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it's "are you a virgin?" Why would it not be "what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON."
And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I'll say it and judge me all you want but he's doing really good work here. Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran "My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel" Hinds in a scene where he's debating his own death and then dying that death like...get it, boy. I'm impressed.
I'm rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis' deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but "The Night's Watch takes no part" seemed to be a good sign. Jon Snow's plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just...please don't take this from me, show. I have a lot of feelings.
SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOOOOOKS
We're all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn't dead, right? Or at least, I thought? But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what's going on here guys gah
How are they going to play Tyrion's story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.
What are we going to do with Brienne's storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee
So here's the most horrific theory I've heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole's storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I'm going to burn everything to the ground. I hate this so much I can't even articulate it properly, and I think I'm this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Fifty Shades of maybe don't go see this movie
I needed to write this because it's important, and I also need to write this because Facebook has decided that the Vermont Teddy Bear Company's Christian Grey teddy bear is appropriate advertising for me and I want you all to suffer with me.
In case you care, this post has spoilers for the whole series.
I'm getting this post out before the movie comes out, because I'd like you to seriously reconsider going to see Fifty Shades of Grey. By the end of this post, I hope I'll have given you some very good reasons to not go see it. By "very good reasons," I do not mean "Jaime Dornan is #NotMyChristian." Also, I do not mean that I personally thought the original book was really poorly written (which I do, in fact, think, just for the record. It's so bad. It's so, so bad.) Also, I do not mean that I do not understand the attraction of watching this movie in a large room with a group of people who are also watching this movie and gahhhh uncomfortable just thinking about it ahhhh NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND. But people can watch things I don't like! Even ones about sex! That's totally fine. I've tried watching Friends a bunch of different times, and it just doesn't take. This does not mean that people should not watch this movie.
It's also super not chill that people are tearing this thing apart because "it's mommy porn." Women, even mothers, are allowed to run their own sex lives, including reading romance novels and watching their adaptations. Jenny Trout, an absolutely amazing author and blogger, discusses this in her recaps of every single chapter of all of these books, which you can and should read here. No, don't stay away from this movie because it won't be good; stay away because it's demonstrably bad.
1. The book is plagiarism.
Okay, yes, fanfiction happens, no matter how much we'd like to pretend it didn't. I ended up in an internet wormhole one time and read about 50 pages' worth of One Direction fanfiction. ...There is no justification in this, only shame, and please at least be proud that I stopped, okay? And this is not to beat up on the quality of the book by saying that it's fanfiction: there is a whole host of well-written fanfiction (and in the case of Jane Austen, an entire industry).
However. This series of three books was begun as Master of the Universe, by Snowqueens Icedragon. (I cannot in good faith mock her screenname, because duuuuude I would have been ALL OVER THAT at like 14-15 like are you serious ICEDRAGON??? hell YES) Christian is Edward, Ana is Bella, BDSM is vampirism, etc etc. She and her publishers have repeatedly said that MotU and 50SoG are different works, but if you run 'em through a standard "did this student plagiarize" thingy, it'll pop out with 89% similarity. If you run anything important in the book through a standard "why the hell does this sound so familiar to Twilight" brain comparison, it's probably like 97%. Yes, the author still made up her own "plot" "points" and yes every bit of literature is inspired by other literature and yes it would be really hard to make out a full copyright case but ughhhh do we really want to reward this? And not just reward it, let it sell a book every two seconds, which, in fact, was the rate at which the series was selling at its zenith.
2. The series is hugely judgmental of others' sex lives, particularly those who practice BDSM.
(not The Others' sex lives. I'm assuming they don't have them? Sorry if I'm wrong, White Walkers you get down with your bad selves)
This book is not a how-to about BDSM. It's more of a how-not-to. It is stated over and over in the series that Christian is only into his type of sex ("my tastes are very...singular" ughughugh) because he's broken, and that his sexual preferences are evidence of his damage.
We're told he was abandoned in a horrific way as a kid, and then one of his adoptive mother's friends made him her submissive when he was a teenager. So now this is all he does. He doesn't like anything but his own "kinky fuckery" (this is a legitimate phrase that happens in this series more than once and I'm sorry for making you read it but IF I HAVE TO SUFFER, SO DO YOU.) Ana tries repeatedly to basically love him to wellness, which means no submission, no Red Room of Pain, no other ridiculously mild forms of bondage. Seriously, guys, if anyone is scandalized by the sex in these books, just shut down Frederick's of Hollywood and like, music videos. There is nothing scandalous in here. And that's ME saying this.
There are a billion things wrong with Christian Grey and with Christian and Ana's relationship, but the BDSM aspects are exactly none of them. People who enjoy this type of sex, and literally any other type of consensual sex, are not broken, or damaged, or scandalous. They're just some people who like a thing, and to act like there's something wrong with the way consenting adults choose to have sex (and especially to imply that only screwed up people like BDSM) is unacceptable.
3. Ana, the heroine, is horrible to every other woman.
This is not a person you want to emulate in any way. Remember in the Twilight movies, where everyone was inexplicably nice to Bella even though she seemed like not interested in literally any of their own lives/problems/anything except Edward? Ana is the same way, except somehow worse, and there is no Anna Kendrick to sweep in and be sassy. She ignores or discards every friend she has, up to and including being annoyed by their enthusiasm to talk to her. She describes any questions asked of her by her best friend, Kate, as "the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition." Gurl, this is your friend asking you shit about your life, can u not.
The worse part, though, is her absolute disdain for every other woman who looks at Christian for a second, in particular blondes and women who wear more makeup than she does. She gives them little derisive nicknames in her head, like "Miss European Pigtails," "Miss Flushing Crimson," "Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick," and my personal favorite, "Miss Hotpants," for a hostess at a nightclub who wears them as part of her goddamn uniform. This dude is the epitome of male beauty but if any woman looks at him "for longer than strictly necessary" (an actual Ana original, right there), bitch hold my earrings because you do not look at my man like that.
I get it: I spent portions of my life being angry at women prettier than me, but I don't get how it is still A Thing past the age of like, 16 to be angry at women who wear makeup and look nice and might be attracted to the same person you are. E.L James is (in theory?) a grown-ass woman, her heroine is 22 at the beginning of the book, and both should know better. Ana is absolutely insufferable and horrible to those around her, and it is really freaking hard to dredge up any sympathy for her.
However, I do sympathize with her, because this leads me to the most important one -
4. The hero is abusive.
This is not in any kind of shades of grey. This is black and white, textbook-case, completely clear abuse.
The first big romantic gesture in the book is Christian tracking Ana's phone to discover she's at a bar, and he shows up to the bar, fends off a different guy, Ana passes out, and then he takes Ana with him to his hotel. This is not romantic, this is not sweet, I don't care that he fought off another guy who was trying to attack her, he tracked a woman's phone and took her unconscious body to a second location. And that's just the beginning.
Here's some key points from a list you may recognize.
This is not BDSM, this is not love, this is not admirable. This is abuse, and many, MANY women have come forward to say this; they say their abusers acted like Christian Grey. The fact that he has a fucking helicopter and pretty hair does not make him a Billionaire Bad Boy, they make him a terrible human with a ton of money.
The worst worst part? E.L. James has dismissed survivors who have contacted her to let her know that her book describes an abusive relationship. She has said she does not see what she's written as abuse. This is not negotiable, she is wrong, and she is now also a billionaire of being wrong.
Maybe the movie won't be like this, but then the movie wouldn't be Fifty Shades of Grey, and judging by the trailer, it will be.
"Okay, so what if I want to actually see it now? You can't stop me from doing that, and the movie's going to make money anyway!"
You're completely right! I cannot stop you from going, and this damn thing with its inexplicably good soundtrack??? (Twilight is to Muse what 50SoG is to Beyonce????) is gonna make a gazillion dollars no matter what you do. The two things I've heard so far that I like are
- Buy a ticket to a Better Movie (meaning probably any other movie? Idec go see The Hobbit again) and then sneak in to see this movie so you'll be able to critique it
I don't dislike this option, but it will probably not be the one I choose, because I am so uncomfortably a Good Girl that I cannot do anything Bad without having a gigantic bout of anxiety. Like, I felt bad at law school events taking the Lexis swag because I preferred Westlaw. I'm messed up, I get it.
Option 2!
- Donate whatever the cost of the ticket was and then some to a women's shelter
This one will be my option if I choose to see the movie, and I think it's a really good call.
I am not telling you you cannot see the movie. I'm not telling you you cannot like the book. I'm telling you to be aware that the book unarguably describes an abuser and is problematic as hell, so just be aware and critical of the media you consume.
And don't buy that bear oh my GOD do not buy that bear.
 |
| LOOK AT ITS EYES. LOOK AT ITS FUCKING EYES WHY DOES THIS EXIST |
In case you care, this post has spoilers for the whole series.
I'm getting this post out before the movie comes out, because I'd like you to seriously reconsider going to see Fifty Shades of Grey. By the end of this post, I hope I'll have given you some very good reasons to not go see it. By "very good reasons," I do not mean "Jaime Dornan is #NotMyChristian." Also, I do not mean that I personally thought the original book was really poorly written (which I do, in fact, think, just for the record. It's so bad. It's so, so bad.) Also, I do not mean that I do not understand the attraction of watching this movie in a large room with a group of people who are also watching this movie and gahhhh uncomfortable just thinking about it ahhhh NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND. But people can watch things I don't like! Even ones about sex! That's totally fine. I've tried watching Friends a bunch of different times, and it just doesn't take. This does not mean that people should not watch this movie.
It's also super not chill that people are tearing this thing apart because "it's mommy porn." Women, even mothers, are allowed to run their own sex lives, including reading romance novels and watching their adaptations. Jenny Trout, an absolutely amazing author and blogger, discusses this in her recaps of every single chapter of all of these books, which you can and should read here. No, don't stay away from this movie because it won't be good; stay away because it's demonstrably bad.
1. The book is plagiarism.
Okay, yes, fanfiction happens, no matter how much we'd like to pretend it didn't. I ended up in an internet wormhole one time and read about 50 pages' worth of One Direction fanfiction. ...There is no justification in this, only shame, and please at least be proud that I stopped, okay? And this is not to beat up on the quality of the book by saying that it's fanfiction: there is a whole host of well-written fanfiction (and in the case of Jane Austen, an entire industry).
However. This series of three books was begun as Master of the Universe, by Snowqueens Icedragon. (I cannot in good faith mock her screenname, because duuuuude I would have been ALL OVER THAT at like 14-15 like are you serious ICEDRAGON??? hell YES) Christian is Edward, Ana is Bella, BDSM is vampirism, etc etc. She and her publishers have repeatedly said that MotU and 50SoG are different works, but if you run 'em through a standard "did this student plagiarize" thingy, it'll pop out with 89% similarity. If you run anything important in the book through a standard "why the hell does this sound so familiar to Twilight" brain comparison, it's probably like 97%. Yes, the author still made up her own "plot" "points" and yes every bit of literature is inspired by other literature and yes it would be really hard to make out a full copyright case but ughhhh do we really want to reward this? And not just reward it, let it sell a book every two seconds, which, in fact, was the rate at which the series was selling at its zenith.
2. The series is hugely judgmental of others' sex lives, particularly those who practice BDSM.
(not The Others' sex lives. I'm assuming they don't have them? Sorry if I'm wrong, White Walkers you get down with your bad selves)
This book is not a how-to about BDSM. It's more of a how-not-to. It is stated over and over in the series that Christian is only into his type of sex ("my tastes are very...singular" ughughugh) because he's broken, and that his sexual preferences are evidence of his damage.
 |
| This picture came up when I searched that quote and now I can't stop laughing |
There are a billion things wrong with Christian Grey and with Christian and Ana's relationship, but the BDSM aspects are exactly none of them. People who enjoy this type of sex, and literally any other type of consensual sex, are not broken, or damaged, or scandalous. They're just some people who like a thing, and to act like there's something wrong with the way consenting adults choose to have sex (and especially to imply that only screwed up people like BDSM) is unacceptable.
3. Ana, the heroine, is horrible to every other woman.
This is not a person you want to emulate in any way. Remember in the Twilight movies, where everyone was inexplicably nice to Bella even though she seemed like not interested in literally any of their own lives/problems/anything except Edward? Ana is the same way, except somehow worse, and there is no Anna Kendrick to sweep in and be sassy. She ignores or discards every friend she has, up to and including being annoyed by their enthusiasm to talk to her. She describes any questions asked of her by her best friend, Kate, as "the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition." Gurl, this is your friend asking you shit about your life, can u not.
The worse part, though, is her absolute disdain for every other woman who looks at Christian for a second, in particular blondes and women who wear more makeup than she does. She gives them little derisive nicknames in her head, like "Miss European Pigtails," "Miss Flushing Crimson," "Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick," and my personal favorite, "Miss Hotpants," for a hostess at a nightclub who wears them as part of her goddamn uniform. This dude is the epitome of male beauty but if any woman looks at him "for longer than strictly necessary" (an actual Ana original, right there), bitch hold my earrings because you do not look at my man like that.
I get it: I spent portions of my life being angry at women prettier than me, but I don't get how it is still A Thing past the age of like, 16 to be angry at women who wear makeup and look nice and might be attracted to the same person you are. E.L James is (in theory?) a grown-ass woman, her heroine is 22 at the beginning of the book, and both should know better. Ana is absolutely insufferable and horrible to those around her, and it is really freaking hard to dredge up any sympathy for her.
However, I do sympathize with her, because this leads me to the most important one -
4. The hero is abusive.
This is not in any kind of shades of grey. This is black and white, textbook-case, completely clear abuse.
The first big romantic gesture in the book is Christian tracking Ana's phone to discover she's at a bar, and he shows up to the bar, fends off a different guy, Ana passes out, and then he takes Ana with him to his hotel. This is not romantic, this is not sweet, I don't care that he fought off another guy who was trying to attack her, he tracked a woman's phone and took her unconscious body to a second location. And that's just the beginning.
Here's some key points from a list you may recognize.
- You feel uncomfortable about something he has said, or done, and the feeling remains
- You make excuses for his character or minimize his behavior
- You tell your friends you are "unsure about the relationship"
- You think no one else in his life understands him
- You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you
- You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or present emotional pain
- You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him
- You feel bad about yourself when you are around him
This is not BDSM, this is not love, this is not admirable. This is abuse, and many, MANY women have come forward to say this; they say their abusers acted like Christian Grey. The fact that he has a fucking helicopter and pretty hair does not make him a Billionaire Bad Boy, they make him a terrible human with a ton of money.
The worst worst part? E.L. James has dismissed survivors who have contacted her to let her know that her book describes an abusive relationship. She has said she does not see what she's written as abuse. This is not negotiable, she is wrong, and she is now also a billionaire of being wrong.
Maybe the movie won't be like this, but then the movie wouldn't be Fifty Shades of Grey, and judging by the trailer, it will be.
"Okay, so what if I want to actually see it now? You can't stop me from doing that, and the movie's going to make money anyway!"
You're completely right! I cannot stop you from going, and this damn thing with its inexplicably good soundtrack??? (Twilight is to Muse what 50SoG is to Beyonce????) is gonna make a gazillion dollars no matter what you do. The two things I've heard so far that I like are
- Buy a ticket to a Better Movie (meaning probably any other movie? Idec go see The Hobbit again) and then sneak in to see this movie so you'll be able to critique it
I don't dislike this option, but it will probably not be the one I choose, because I am so uncomfortably a Good Girl that I cannot do anything Bad without having a gigantic bout of anxiety. Like, I felt bad at law school events taking the Lexis swag because I preferred Westlaw. I'm messed up, I get it.
Option 2!
- Donate whatever the cost of the ticket was and then some to a women's shelter
This one will be my option if I choose to see the movie, and I think it's a really good call.
I am not telling you you cannot see the movie. I'm not telling you you cannot like the book. I'm telling you to be aware that the book unarguably describes an abuser and is problematic as hell, so just be aware and critical of the media you consume.
And don't buy that bear oh my GOD do not buy that bear.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Hey everyone! I'm still working through where I want to go with this blog (especially considering that the title is no longer accurate!) but I reeeeally needed to write something and I know this is way late but lolol cultural relevancy what r u even so here's my letter to Peter Jackson about this movie
Dammit, Peter Jackson, I trusted you.
Your work with Lord of the Rings is exceptional, and while you clearly knew what you were doing with that, I was skeptical when I heard that you made The Hobbit into three movies, because I didn't believe there was enough material there. After seeing the first movie, I was convinced I was correct in my belief, but you changed my mind significantly with the second. I LIKED the second. The expansions you made to the plot were overall pretty great (hey there, Legolas!), Smaug looked wonderful, and I really felt involved in the story. I was super psyched to see the third one, even though I knew it was going to make me sad.
Then I went to see the third one. GodDAMMIT, Peter.
Okay, there were some things that were genuinely quite lovely. Lee Pace's eyebrows, for example. The dwarves riding in on pigs, because PIGGIES! And, um...yeah, mostly Lee Pace. Face, hair, general demeanor. Actual elvish perfection in every way. Fine, okay, yes, Thorin's death was incredibly well-shot and Martin Freeman's acting in the scene made me cry, but just because you can shoot a death scene does not let you off the goddamn hook, Mr. Jackson. Also using Billy Boyd's angel voice for the credits? My individual tears are crying, you jerk.
I knew there wasn't a whole lot left in the Smaug plotline from the book, but seriously dude? I know Benedict was probably pretty pricey, but you could literally have walked up to the CGI team and been like "we need to have a man drop from the sky and transform into a bear on the way down and then land into a battle and fuck shit up" and they would have done it for you (....OH WAIT YOU DID THAT HI BEORN HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CAMEO) so we couldn't have had like, a bit more dragon? Or some of the Necromancer that wasn't just a strobe light and the Minas Morgul track from RotK? And I get that Smaug's death is the ultimate in one-in-a-million shots but did we have to William Tell it up with Bard's kid? Come on, bro. It's a KID. We're gonna worry about the kid already, and then you gotta mount the freaking arrow of doom up on his shoulder? Kid, I don't know your name, but whatever you got paid for this movie, it wasn't nearly enough.
And Alfrid. What the HELL was up with Alfrid, bro? Did you give him and his unibrow individual contracts? Is that why we spent so much time filming him? And come on, man, no one read the script and was like "hey, this guy seems like an AlphaDouche, mayyyybe we shouldn't leave him in charge of everything?" Peter, come on, I realize you're going for comic relief, but letting Bard pick him out of everyone else to keep watch and then WHOOPSIES not noticing every elf in Mirkwood is on your front steps areyoukiddingme. People of Lake-town and Dale: I know you've got a gigantic leadership broner for Bard right now but his powers of delegation are CLEARLY lacking and perhaps you should place someone else (anyone else?) in charge. Like Thranduil's elk. Next time, Peter? More elk less Alfrid.
I was already super skeptical of Tauriel's plotline and general existence, and you went right ahead and proved my skepticism to be correct on literally every goddamn count. I would like whoever decided "why does it hurt so much? Because it was real" was an actual line that should be actually spoken and actually placed into the film to be publicly shamed. I would like you to tell me why we are so scared of giving women anything other than bows and short knives to fight that isn't "barely concealed phallic imagery when in the hands of women makes us uncomfortable so only boyz get the long sharp thingz kayyy." I would like you to offer a public apology to Fili, who has to be extraordinarily pissed off that his death was nothing more than a vehicle for the Dashboard Confessional, Romeo-and-Juliet, this-isn't-your-ordinary-love-story love story garbage, especially since his beard is CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR ONE.
And the White Council, Peter? Can we talk about that for a second? You gave them like two minutes of screentime after plastering Christopher Lee's face all over every promotional material that was made and it turned into The Expendables 19. How exactly did you explain this when you pitched the scene? SARUMAN. ELROND. GALADRIEL. GANDALF. They all reunite in a battle for the ages against the forces of evil that is given zero explanation and even less time and you kind of feel like Liam Neeson is gonna show up and shoot someone because everything old is there. Mr. Jackson, you gave us a Legolas backstory that is not canon nor was it relevant but we couldn't scrape together another couple thousand to keep the old guard on set for like, 10 more minutes? If you're going to make this scene, make this scene, sir! Don't throw McKellen and Blanchett around with some *~*cRAzY sAuROn'S eYe*~* graphics and then allow several thousand years of experience to arrive on-set looking like it's pissed that somewhere in the future, Aragorn is getting some and it's his daughter. MAKE THE EFFORT.
[Also if you listen carefully somewhere off in the distance Celeborn is screaming "I AM RELEVANT AND I MATTER AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED"]
And Thorin, man? Come ON. We've got the greatest vaguely dirty majestic face since Viggo and we go and give him draaaaaagon sicknesssss and some grandstanding? Richard Armitage, who thought out his on-screen character enough to justify why he doesn't have the long beard Tolkien wrote him with, was given about a hundred variations of "I'm really high and would kill for a burrito right now" except the burrito was the Arkenstone and you were somehow okay with this. I realize it had been a long time in the movies since anyone had worn the One Ring and you were annoyed that you couldn't put weird-ass effects but the gold thing really COME ON. And while I will give you credit for his actual death scene with Bilbo, the fight was ridiculous and you know it. Ice! Snow! Extra weapons! Uncertain kill shot! Slidey around on this iceberg wheeee! This is a dwarf king, a ridiculously talented beast-with-a-beard and you're going to let him get Oberyn'd because we didn't have nearly enough jumpshots and it's fun to stab people through the foot. Seriously just give Legolas like 18 more trick shots and call it a day because you need to stop, sir.
Just...dammit, man. You won ten years ago. This was a kids' book. I trusted you, man, and you let me down.
Dammit, Peter Jackson, I trusted you.
Your work with Lord of the Rings is exceptional, and while you clearly knew what you were doing with that, I was skeptical when I heard that you made The Hobbit into three movies, because I didn't believe there was enough material there. After seeing the first movie, I was convinced I was correct in my belief, but you changed my mind significantly with the second. I LIKED the second. The expansions you made to the plot were overall pretty great (hey there, Legolas!), Smaug looked wonderful, and I really felt involved in the story. I was super psyched to see the third one, even though I knew it was going to make me sad.
Then I went to see the third one. GodDAMMIT, Peter.
Okay, there were some things that were genuinely quite lovely. Lee Pace's eyebrows, for example. The dwarves riding in on pigs, because PIGGIES! And, um...yeah, mostly Lee Pace. Face, hair, general demeanor. Actual elvish perfection in every way. Fine, okay, yes, Thorin's death was incredibly well-shot and Martin Freeman's acting in the scene made me cry, but just because you can shoot a death scene does not let you off the goddamn hook, Mr. Jackson. Also using Billy Boyd's angel voice for the credits? My individual tears are crying, you jerk.
I knew there wasn't a whole lot left in the Smaug plotline from the book, but seriously dude? I know Benedict was probably pretty pricey, but you could literally have walked up to the CGI team and been like "we need to have a man drop from the sky and transform into a bear on the way down and then land into a battle and fuck shit up" and they would have done it for you (....OH WAIT YOU DID THAT HI BEORN HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CAMEO) so we couldn't have had like, a bit more dragon? Or some of the Necromancer that wasn't just a strobe light and the Minas Morgul track from RotK? And I get that Smaug's death is the ultimate in one-in-a-million shots but did we have to William Tell it up with Bard's kid? Come on, bro. It's a KID. We're gonna worry about the kid already, and then you gotta mount the freaking arrow of doom up on his shoulder? Kid, I don't know your name, but whatever you got paid for this movie, it wasn't nearly enough.
And Alfrid. What the HELL was up with Alfrid, bro? Did you give him and his unibrow individual contracts? Is that why we spent so much time filming him? And come on, man, no one read the script and was like "hey, this guy seems like an AlphaDouche, mayyyybe we shouldn't leave him in charge of everything?" Peter, come on, I realize you're going for comic relief, but letting Bard pick him out of everyone else to keep watch and then WHOOPSIES not noticing every elf in Mirkwood is on your front steps areyoukiddingme. People of Lake-town and Dale: I know you've got a gigantic leadership broner for Bard right now but his powers of delegation are CLEARLY lacking and perhaps you should place someone else (anyone else?) in charge. Like Thranduil's elk. Next time, Peter? More elk less Alfrid.
I was already super skeptical of Tauriel's plotline and general existence, and you went right ahead and proved my skepticism to be correct on literally every goddamn count. I would like whoever decided "why does it hurt so much? Because it was real" was an actual line that should be actually spoken and actually placed into the film to be publicly shamed. I would like you to tell me why we are so scared of giving women anything other than bows and short knives to fight that isn't "barely concealed phallic imagery when in the hands of women makes us uncomfortable so only boyz get the long sharp thingz kayyy." I would like you to offer a public apology to Fili, who has to be extraordinarily pissed off that his death was nothing more than a vehicle for the Dashboard Confessional, Romeo-and-Juliet, this-isn't-your-ordinary-love-story love story garbage, especially since his beard is CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR ONE.
And the White Council, Peter? Can we talk about that for a second? You gave them like two minutes of screentime after plastering Christopher Lee's face all over every promotional material that was made and it turned into The Expendables 19. How exactly did you explain this when you pitched the scene? SARUMAN. ELROND. GALADRIEL. GANDALF. They all reunite in a battle for the ages against the forces of evil that is given zero explanation and even less time and you kind of feel like Liam Neeson is gonna show up and shoot someone because everything old is there. Mr. Jackson, you gave us a Legolas backstory that is not canon nor was it relevant but we couldn't scrape together another couple thousand to keep the old guard on set for like, 10 more minutes? If you're going to make this scene, make this scene, sir! Don't throw McKellen and Blanchett around with some *~*cRAzY sAuROn'S eYe*~* graphics and then allow several thousand years of experience to arrive on-set looking like it's pissed that somewhere in the future, Aragorn is getting some and it's his daughter. MAKE THE EFFORT.
[Also if you listen carefully somewhere off in the distance Celeborn is screaming "I AM RELEVANT AND I MATTER AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED"]
And Thorin, man? Come ON. We've got the greatest vaguely dirty majestic face since Viggo and we go and give him draaaaaagon sicknesssss and some grandstanding? Richard Armitage, who thought out his on-screen character enough to justify why he doesn't have the long beard Tolkien wrote him with, was given about a hundred variations of "I'm really high and would kill for a burrito right now" except the burrito was the Arkenstone and you were somehow okay with this. I realize it had been a long time in the movies since anyone had worn the One Ring and you were annoyed that you couldn't put weird-ass effects but the gold thing really COME ON. And while I will give you credit for his actual death scene with Bilbo, the fight was ridiculous and you know it. Ice! Snow! Extra weapons! Uncertain kill shot! Slidey around on this iceberg wheeee! This is a dwarf king, a ridiculously talented beast-with-a-beard and you're going to let him get Oberyn'd because we didn't have nearly enough jumpshots and it's fun to stab people through the foot. Seriously just give Legolas like 18 more trick shots and call it a day because you need to stop, sir.
Just...dammit, man. You won ten years ago. This was a kids' book. I trusted you, man, and you let me down.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Why does she stay?
I don't know Janay Rice. I don't know her story, other than what's been captured on film or filtered and given to us. I don't know if she loves her husband or fears him or both. But we need to stop putting any responsibility on her and other victims of domestic violence for their own abuse. "Why does she stay?" is the most disgusting of questions, because it puts all the agency on her, when she usually has none. If you ask the question, you might get an answer you like, or don't like, but it really doesn't matter, because you shouldn't be asking that question in the first place.
Why might she stay?
Maybe she stays because it earns her money. Maybe Rice earns enough that she's comfortable, and doesn't have to work, and he buys her nice things. Maybe she didn't want to give up the fame that comes with being married to a player on the Baltimore Ravens. And this doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she has no support network. Maybe her family, or her friends, or her church, or the Ravens, are all telling her that he'll change, she should stay, or that they can't handle her moving in with them if she were to leave. Maybe she has no family. Maybe she has no close friends. Maybe he's made sure of her having no close friends. Maybe she doesn't want to leave her home and go to a shelter because it's not the same standard of living she's used to. This doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she's scared for her daughter, Rayven. Maybe she's worried that if she leaves, her daughter will never see her father, and she doesn't want that. Maybe she'll be scared that if she leaves, her child will be in danger, or she won't be able to support her without her husband. Her abuser also being her daughter's father doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she thinks she deserves it. Maybe she saw the tape, and thought that her actions towards him were too aggressive for a wife. Maybe her brain tells her that she mouthed off, that she got him mad, that she should have walked away before things got heated. Maybe her brain tells her that she's supposed to be the stability of their marriage, and she let him down. Maybe her brain talks in its own voice, or maybe it talks in his. This doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she loves him. Maybe he's told her that he lost control, but he'll never do it again because his love for her is stronger than anything, and that together they can work through their problems. Maybe he buys her flowers after. Maybe he tells her that he wouldn't make it without her, or that he'll do something dangerous if she leaves. Maybe the video caught his worst moment, and 99% of the time she knows he's good to her. Or maybe in his calm moments he's good to her, and she only sees those moments every so often, but when they come, it's wonderful. Or maybe her love for him is completely irrational and he's never good to her. None of this changes the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she's scared. Maybe she knows the statistic that the time women are most likely to be killed by their abusers is when they attempt to leave. Maybe her statements about true love have all been under coercion. Maybe she thought that he'd hit her more if he lost his job because she wasn't standing by him. Maybe he's threatened her, or maybe he hasn't, but she thinks something bad will happen. Maybe she's scared but nothing bad actually will happen. This doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Unless you're a trained professional directly aiding the victim, trying to determine why a woman stays in an abusive relationship is a selfish, insulting, horrible thing to do. This question is nearly never asked for the victim's benefit; it's asked so whoever's asking gets to stop caring because she could have left and helped herself.
There are so, so many better questions you can ask.
Why do so many men hit the women they're married to?
Why did the Ravens take so long to fire Ray Rice?
Why are DV shelters so full, and why can't they get funding?
Should DAs be able to prosecute abusers when their victims don't want them to?
What do we do to help?
I don't know if we'll get answers to any of them any time soon, but these are the questions that have to get asked.
Why might she stay?
Maybe she stays because it earns her money. Maybe Rice earns enough that she's comfortable, and doesn't have to work, and he buys her nice things. Maybe she didn't want to give up the fame that comes with being married to a player on the Baltimore Ravens. And this doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she has no support network. Maybe her family, or her friends, or her church, or the Ravens, are all telling her that he'll change, she should stay, or that they can't handle her moving in with them if she were to leave. Maybe she has no family. Maybe she has no close friends. Maybe he's made sure of her having no close friends. Maybe she doesn't want to leave her home and go to a shelter because it's not the same standard of living she's used to. This doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she's scared for her daughter, Rayven. Maybe she's worried that if she leaves, her daughter will never see her father, and she doesn't want that. Maybe she'll be scared that if she leaves, her child will be in danger, or she won't be able to support her without her husband. Her abuser also being her daughter's father doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she thinks she deserves it. Maybe she saw the tape, and thought that her actions towards him were too aggressive for a wife. Maybe her brain tells her that she mouthed off, that she got him mad, that she should have walked away before things got heated. Maybe her brain tells her that she's supposed to be the stability of their marriage, and she let him down. Maybe her brain talks in its own voice, or maybe it talks in his. This doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she loves him. Maybe he's told her that he lost control, but he'll never do it again because his love for her is stronger than anything, and that together they can work through their problems. Maybe he buys her flowers after. Maybe he tells her that he wouldn't make it without her, or that he'll do something dangerous if she leaves. Maybe the video caught his worst moment, and 99% of the time she knows he's good to her. Or maybe in his calm moments he's good to her, and she only sees those moments every so often, but when they come, it's wonderful. Or maybe her love for him is completely irrational and he's never good to her. None of this changes the fact that her partner hits her.
Maybe she's scared. Maybe she knows the statistic that the time women are most likely to be killed by their abusers is when they attempt to leave. Maybe her statements about true love have all been under coercion. Maybe she thought that he'd hit her more if he lost his job because she wasn't standing by him. Maybe he's threatened her, or maybe he hasn't, but she thinks something bad will happen. Maybe she's scared but nothing bad actually will happen. This doesn't change the fact that her partner hits her.
Unless you're a trained professional directly aiding the victim, trying to determine why a woman stays in an abusive relationship is a selfish, insulting, horrible thing to do. This question is nearly never asked for the victim's benefit; it's asked so whoever's asking gets to stop caring because she could have left and helped herself.
There are so, so many better questions you can ask.
Why do so many men hit the women they're married to?
Why did the Ravens take so long to fire Ray Rice?
Why are DV shelters so full, and why can't they get funding?
Should DAs be able to prosecute abusers when their victims don't want them to?
What do we do to help?
I don't know if we'll get answers to any of them any time soon, but these are the questions that have to get asked.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Universal Studios by the numbers
- Engagements: 1
- Directions you can ride the Hogwarts Express: 2
- From Hogsmeade/Hogwarts to "London"
- From "London" to Hogwarts/Hogsmeade
- Directions I can describe the Hogwarts Express ride because we got engaged on the way from Hogsmeade to "London": 1
- Seriously guys I think someone rode a broom or something but I got nothin' else
- Things I did not consider about getting engaged at a theme park: 1 but it's big
- "Oh look pretty ring yay...wait we're going on a rollercoaster, shoot what if I lose it WHAT DO I DO okay calm down it'll be fine"
- Spoiler alert it was fine
- Degrees Fahrenheit: ALL OF THEM
- oh my GOODNESS it was 95 with humidity and I was sweating at 6 AM seriously how do people live in Florida I do not understand it
- Plus Hogsmeade has snow on top of the buildings so that's a nice little extra "lol FUUU"
- Plus sunscreen is vital but it keeps you from sweating to your Fullest Potential so that was tough
- You just kinda have to embrace the heat but dang, y'all, SO WARM
- Frozen butterbeers consumed: 1 per day for 3 days
- Trips around the lazy river loop at our hotel: ~15
- Times Andrew dragged me under the waterfall: 1
- Amount I screamed: A lot
- Longest time waiting in line: One hour forty-five minutes
- Amount of time people waited for "Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts" on opening day according to the dude in one of the shops: 8 and a half hours
- Not paying a hundred dollars a person to skip lines: priceless
- Okay not priceless but it felt like we *~*beat the system*~* or something
- Average age of the people in my group at Ollivanders for the wand-choosing skit: 7
- Don't judge me
- Harry Potter swag purchased: 3
- Mug
- Ornament
- Wand, ash, interactive, but I swear I didn't walk around the park with it and try the spells that you can do with it
- It was a close call though let's be real
- Number of characters who are like TOTALLY dead in the series but are on the rides: a lot?
- Like I guess whatever no sadness at Harry Potter World but Moody's dead, yo, not waving to you on the platform of the train? oh well
- Creepiness of Knockturn Alley: 100%
- This was pretty great guys, for real
- That hand thing from the second movie is there and it is TERRIFYING
- Frequency the dragon on top of Gringotts breathes fire: about every ten minutes
- Amount the dragon is amazing: ALL OF IT FOREVER the dragon looks SO GOOD
- How close I got to buying a battery-powered Monster Book of Monsters: real close
- Serious summary: it was lovely to do the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, especially to both parks, and our hotel let us in an hour early because it was on the property so we rushed to HP and did the rides and despite the crowds it was just excellent
- "Despicable Me" swag purchased between the two of us: 3
- Mugs: 2
- Shirt with giant minion eye on it for Andrew: 1
- Number of minion quotes we said on the trip: legit like 25 per day
- Amount we love the minions: like clearly wayyyyy too much because they're for kids, and stuff? Whatever
- Times "Theme from Jurassic Park" sung: at least 30
- High score Andrew got at the bowling alley at our hotel: 189
- My boy's wicked good at bowling
- Pina coladas tried for the first time: 1
- Guys holy crap these things are delicious where have I been
- Naps taken: 1 per day
- Friends made in line: 4
- Harry Potter people are super cute, everyone
- Like both were a mom and her daughter but oh my gosh soooo cute
- British people at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter: thousands
- Percentage of British people I assumed were just like, in character, or something?: 100%
- No really guys I didn't get that actually English/Scottish/Welsh/Irish people came to the park I thought they were all just being fun
- Creepiness of the music in the Dr. Seuss section: 95%
- Amount Andrew really didn't like the giant spiders on one of the Harry Potter rides: a lot
- Amount I did not know Andrew does not like spiders: a lot
- Dismay Andrew expressed when I mentioned potentially re-riding: a lot
- Times Andrew picked up a Dobby figurine in the hotel's store and put it right next to my face so when I turned around it was like DOBBYYYY:1
- Small heart attacks had: 1
- Huge jerk I am apparently going to marry: 1
- Tears shed in movie 7 with "Dobby is happy to be with friends": a billion
- Despite previous bullet point, amount I underestimated the creepiness of a Dobby figurine: 97%
- Rollercoasters ridden: 3
- Rollercoasters ridden in the front row: 2
- Rollercoasters not ridden in the front row but letting you play ZZ Top while you ride it if you want: 1
- Percent surprised I was at the proposal: 5-10%
- We planned out most of this stuff (I'm not a big fan of surprises!) but I didn't know at what exact point during the vacation it was going to happen
- Percent we're both really happy: like about a billion
- Percent effort I'ma need from you all to keep me from taking a picture with the ring and the wand I got because that's just a really really REALLY terrible idea: 110%
Thursday, July 17, 2014
The bar exam's wacky and dumb cast of characters
The MBE (also known as the "Multistate Bar Exam") is the multiple choice part of Pennsylvania and New Jersey's bar exams. It's a part of many other states' exams as well. It is three hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon, with 100 questions for each session. It is the bane of my existence, partially because the same stupid people keep showing up in the fact patterns for each question. If you're taking the bar, you already know about a lot of these, but the explanations are for the benefit of those who are not currently in #barprephell. This is the test that will let you be an attorney and that is absurd.
Here's our WACKY CAST of SILLY CHARACTERS :D :D :D
1. The adverse possession guy
So there's this thing in real property law (think "land 'n stuff" when I say "real property") that says, essentially, "if you sit on a piece of land long enough, even if you don't own it, if the owner doesn't notice and formally try to kick you out, it's yours now." Adverse possession (or, for white folks, "colonies") takes a looooong time, like 10 to 20 years, and I guess the policy behind it is if you're too stupid to notice that some guy is grazing like a thousand cows all over your land, you don't deserve to own it? Idk. We have to sit there and then analyze if this total asshole who literally TOOK SOMEBODY ELSE'S STUFF now gets to keep it because Law. I waste time sitting there going "but it's not yours, you douchebag" which is a waste of time because apparently *~*~*aNyTHinG iS pOsSIbLe if you just ***belieeeve***~*~*
So in essence, there are a ton of people on the bar exam who just pull this move:
This land is your laaaand
Oh, whoops it's my laaaand
'Cuz I just sat here
For several decaaaades
2. The guy who owns a goddamn bear
Let me explain. There's this concept in torts that they inexplicably like to test on which basically says "if you own a goddamn wild animal, you are responsible for anything the WILD ANIMAL does because you put it in a house instead of the WILD, you PIECE of SHIT." There are two different ways this question shows up.
a. The guy who owns some wild animal but it's chill
The question will start off with some ridiculously implausible situation like "a man had owned a bear for many years. It was OLD, you guys. Like SO OLD. It had no teeth, and its claws were like little nubbins, and it would just sleep all day and it was just such a mellow bear, you guys. Like a bear rug but not yet." The question's narrator basically turns into a giant Hagrid impersonator talking about Aragog ('e's just a big softy, 'e is! I swearrit! Tot'ly misunderstood creatures, bears!) but you're supposed to determine that if the bear does something to hurt someone, even if it's just escaping and hanging out in the woods and a little girl sees it and gets scared you are STILL RESPONSIBLE because it's a GODDAMN BEAR. Only you can prevent strict liability by NOT OWNING A BEAR.
b. The guy who uses his own personal zoo to defend property
The concept here is a combination of that first rule, plus "you are not allowed to use deadly force to protect your property which includes setting Shark Week on intruders." No, seriously, this is on lots of practice MBEs and is almost guaranteed to be a question on my actual bar exam which is just...why. Why does this exist. I want to be a lawyer, not goddamn Siegfried and Roy. The two choice ones I've had recently are a guy who had a declawed bobcat (a fucking BOBCAT, YOU GUYS) on his property because people were cutting across it to get places. The question hinged on "bro if you operate a personal zoo you're responsible for When Animals Attack" but it was still about protecting property, but it was hard to focus because BOBCAT.
The second, even better one I had recently, involved a mall security guard who owned pet rattlesnakes, and because people kept breaking into the mall, he decided to bring his rattlesnakes to the mall to help defend it. I'm not kidding. My test for becoming a lawyer includes "Paul Blart: Mall Cop and his Plucky Team of DEADLY FUCKING RATTLESNAKES." No, sir, you can't bring your rattlesnakes to help protect the mall, and even if someone breaks in, you are liable to the person when your MALL COP RATTLESNAKE DOES THE SNAKE THING AND BITES THE INTRUDER. Did not think I had to write this one down for you but lesson learned, y'all
3. The criminals from the 1930s
I guess the MBE can't swear, or something, I'm not sure, but the slang these guys use is like, dad-joke level terrible plus a dash of Jay Gastby in their dialogue. These questions test a whole bunch of stuff, usually criminal procedure or hearsay evidence stuff, but it's just so painful to read. I'm not expecting The Wire quality conversations, but can we seriously not use the expression "somebody finked to the cops"? I'm gonna get this question wrong because 1. I don't know what the hell "finked" means 2. I am the whitest girl in history and even I know "snitches get stitches." Is that shit copyrighted or something? TRY HARDER, BAR EXAM.
Other things that have showed up on practice questions:
A gang called "The Dineros"
A criminal called "Condor"
"Bookies" (do we seriously have bookies anymore?)
Someone selling a stolen painting and calling it "fenced" goods
"Do it or the kid gets it!" THREE SEPARATE TIMES
"Shut up or I'll knock your block off"
An actor who shot another actor who said "You've stolen the part I've always wanted to play, now you will die for it!"
A guy saying to his wife "Dear, we really did know those TVs were hot, after all, we bought them for $10 each!"
STOP TRYING. DON'T TALK. JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING, BAR EXAM. I'M DISGUSTED.
"Hi Disgusted, I'm Bar Exam"
4. The guy who never records any paperwork pertaining to his property
This can also go for lenders, owners, literally anybody. There are certain rules for who owns rights to property, based on several things, but one of the big ones is "notice," meaning "this is written down somewhere that someone else owns this property so you can't buy it because it's not for sale." Depending on the jurisdiction/made-up law/drunk-ass set of circumstances, exactly what type of headache this is can change, but it is always a goddamn nightmare. However, based on the bar exam, roughly 90% of the deeds, mortgages, etc. out there are never written down or filed because there are jackasses who receive the paperwork to this ENORMOUS PURCHASE and are like "fuck it, I don't need to write that down anywhere important. Everything will be fine." NO IT WON'T, YOU ASSHOLE.
I have had questions where there are three separate claims on this property, and two of them forgot to record the fact that they spent like tens of thousands of dollars to acquire it because apparently they are Scrooge McDuck and just have swimming pools of gold coins because LOL what's money is that this paper with pictures on it someone else takes care of my problems for me. From now on, if you don't write your stuff down, I am throwing the deed in a Hunger Games-esque arena and y'all can fight for it: whoever lives wins the deed (or if two of you are cute and theoretically in love I guess you can both win idk THAT'S MAHOGANY)
5. The guy who leaves his property to his family like it's the Iron Throne
This is another fun part of real property law (can you tell I hate this subject most? because I dooooo) where you have to figure out what type of property rights a person in the future has. When you normally think of a will, or any other "leave my stuff to a person" deal, you probably think of something along the lines of "my kid gets my house, my sister gets my jewelry, and here's ten grand for a charity."
HOWEVER, if you are a person on the bar exam, LOLOL NOPE FARRRRR TOO SIMPLE. "I leave my property to my sons, and upon their death my grandsons, and upon their death the Baratheons, unless the Baratheons have been conceived in incest between Lannister siblings, and if so, then it goes to the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good, unless all the kids can read, then let the kids dig up all the grass and throw it at each other until the Others take us all." FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID PROPERTY. You are dead and we are all running your dirt errands and seriously everyone hates you.
6. The guy who thinks anybody's gonna buy his bullshit story in court about what he meant to do
This one is probably my person favorite, just because it's got a great combination of Big Brother-mind reading and astounding incredulity were it to ever actually show up in court. As you may know, much of criminal law requires a person to have a certain intent (the "mental element") to commit a crime. Lots of statutes will say things like "knowingly," "recklessly," or "with the intent to." This is obviously important because "oh shit I didn't mean to do that" is actually a legit defense sometimes, but in order to test it, the questions have to be all up in the person's head and tell you what they thought. It is always and forever the highest octane bullshit that would get you laughed out of court if your defense attorney is dumb enough to bring it up, but for the bar exam? Absolutely crucial to getting points. Lawyer licensing, everybody!
My personal favorite is this one, which has shown up three times that I can think of offhand and probably more. Person A thinks Person B took their stuff and brought it home with them. Instead of a) asking them for it back b) filing a report with the police c) doing literally any other goddamn thing, this person decides "the best possible thing for me to do is to follow this person home to find out where they live, wait until The Cover of Night, and break the fuck into their house to get my coat/laptop/who cares you broke into someone's HOUSE."
But Wait, There's More!
This person then realizes "oh shit, that's not my coat/laptop/whatever," it actually belongs to that other person, and then Person A decides LIKE A SOME KIND OF SOCIOPATH to just KEEP THE STUFF. Yep, they realize this is not their belonging, but they decide to hang on to it anyway. The question then goes "so, Future Lawyer, what crimes can they be charged with?" and you have to answer "well not burglary because that requires breaking in with the intent to steal and they thought the coat was theirs ahahahaaa what is this what is my life" and pretend like someone would legit show up in court and say "no but seriously I thought it was mine and the best option was to pull a home invasion but then the coat was just super cute so I kept it."
This list doesn't include the less frequent offenders, such as "Dude with a Bow and Arrow," "Mobster who Didn't Mean to Kill Anyone Just Meant to Shake 'Im Up a Little," and my personal favorite, "Important Witness Who Dies After Saying Something Crucial to the Case Outside of Any Court Proceedings." Two weeks, guys. Two weeks.
Here's our WACKY CAST of SILLY CHARACTERS :D :D :D
1. The adverse possession guy
So there's this thing in real property law (think "land 'n stuff" when I say "real property") that says, essentially, "if you sit on a piece of land long enough, even if you don't own it, if the owner doesn't notice and formally try to kick you out, it's yours now." Adverse possession (or, for white folks, "colonies") takes a looooong time, like 10 to 20 years, and I guess the policy behind it is if you're too stupid to notice that some guy is grazing like a thousand cows all over your land, you don't deserve to own it? Idk. We have to sit there and then analyze if this total asshole who literally TOOK SOMEBODY ELSE'S STUFF now gets to keep it because Law. I waste time sitting there going "but it's not yours, you douchebag" which is a waste of time because apparently *~*~*aNyTHinG iS pOsSIbLe if you just ***belieeeve***~*~*
So in essence, there are a ton of people on the bar exam who just pull this move:
This land is your laaaand
Oh, whoops it's my laaaand
'Cuz I just sat here
For several decaaaades
2. The guy who owns a goddamn bear
Let me explain. There's this concept in torts that they inexplicably like to test on which basically says "if you own a goddamn wild animal, you are responsible for anything the WILD ANIMAL does because you put it in a house instead of the WILD, you PIECE of SHIT." There are two different ways this question shows up.
a. The guy who owns some wild animal but it's chill
The question will start off with some ridiculously implausible situation like "a man had owned a bear for many years. It was OLD, you guys. Like SO OLD. It had no teeth, and its claws were like little nubbins, and it would just sleep all day and it was just such a mellow bear, you guys. Like a bear rug but not yet." The question's narrator basically turns into a giant Hagrid impersonator talking about Aragog ('e's just a big softy, 'e is! I swearrit! Tot'ly misunderstood creatures, bears!) but you're supposed to determine that if the bear does something to hurt someone, even if it's just escaping and hanging out in the woods and a little girl sees it and gets scared you are STILL RESPONSIBLE because it's a GODDAMN BEAR. Only you can prevent strict liability by NOT OWNING A BEAR.
b. The guy who uses his own personal zoo to defend property
The concept here is a combination of that first rule, plus "you are not allowed to use deadly force to protect your property which includes setting Shark Week on intruders." No, seriously, this is on lots of practice MBEs and is almost guaranteed to be a question on my actual bar exam which is just...why. Why does this exist. I want to be a lawyer, not goddamn Siegfried and Roy. The two choice ones I've had recently are a guy who had a declawed bobcat (a fucking BOBCAT, YOU GUYS) on his property because people were cutting across it to get places. The question hinged on "bro if you operate a personal zoo you're responsible for When Animals Attack" but it was still about protecting property, but it was hard to focus because BOBCAT.
The second, even better one I had recently, involved a mall security guard who owned pet rattlesnakes, and because people kept breaking into the mall, he decided to bring his rattlesnakes to the mall to help defend it. I'm not kidding. My test for becoming a lawyer includes "Paul Blart: Mall Cop and his Plucky Team of DEADLY FUCKING RATTLESNAKES." No, sir, you can't bring your rattlesnakes to help protect the mall, and even if someone breaks in, you are liable to the person when your MALL COP RATTLESNAKE DOES THE SNAKE THING AND BITES THE INTRUDER. Did not think I had to write this one down for you but lesson learned, y'all
3. The criminals from the 1930s
I guess the MBE can't swear, or something, I'm not sure, but the slang these guys use is like, dad-joke level terrible plus a dash of Jay Gastby in their dialogue. These questions test a whole bunch of stuff, usually criminal procedure or hearsay evidence stuff, but it's just so painful to read. I'm not expecting The Wire quality conversations, but can we seriously not use the expression "somebody finked to the cops"? I'm gonna get this question wrong because 1. I don't know what the hell "finked" means 2. I am the whitest girl in history and even I know "snitches get stitches." Is that shit copyrighted or something? TRY HARDER, BAR EXAM.
Other things that have showed up on practice questions:
A gang called "The Dineros"
A criminal called "Condor"
"Bookies" (do we seriously have bookies anymore?)
Someone selling a stolen painting and calling it "fenced" goods
"Do it or the kid gets it!" THREE SEPARATE TIMES
"Shut up or I'll knock your block off"
An actor who shot another actor who said "You've stolen the part I've always wanted to play, now you will die for it!"
A guy saying to his wife "Dear, we really did know those TVs were hot, after all, we bought them for $10 each!"
STOP TRYING. DON'T TALK. JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING, BAR EXAM. I'M DISGUSTED.
"Hi Disgusted, I'm Bar Exam"
4. The guy who never records any paperwork pertaining to his property
This can also go for lenders, owners, literally anybody. There are certain rules for who owns rights to property, based on several things, but one of the big ones is "notice," meaning "this is written down somewhere that someone else owns this property so you can't buy it because it's not for sale." Depending on the jurisdiction/made-up law/drunk-ass set of circumstances, exactly what type of headache this is can change, but it is always a goddamn nightmare. However, based on the bar exam, roughly 90% of the deeds, mortgages, etc. out there are never written down or filed because there are jackasses who receive the paperwork to this ENORMOUS PURCHASE and are like "fuck it, I don't need to write that down anywhere important. Everything will be fine." NO IT WON'T, YOU ASSHOLE.
I have had questions where there are three separate claims on this property, and two of them forgot to record the fact that they spent like tens of thousands of dollars to acquire it because apparently they are Scrooge McDuck and just have swimming pools of gold coins because LOL what's money is that this paper with pictures on it someone else takes care of my problems for me. From now on, if you don't write your stuff down, I am throwing the deed in a Hunger Games-esque arena and y'all can fight for it: whoever lives wins the deed (or if two of you are cute and theoretically in love I guess you can both win idk THAT'S MAHOGANY)
5. The guy who leaves his property to his family like it's the Iron Throne
This is another fun part of real property law (can you tell I hate this subject most? because I dooooo) where you have to figure out what type of property rights a person in the future has. When you normally think of a will, or any other "leave my stuff to a person" deal, you probably think of something along the lines of "my kid gets my house, my sister gets my jewelry, and here's ten grand for a charity."
HOWEVER, if you are a person on the bar exam, LOLOL NOPE FARRRRR TOO SIMPLE. "I leave my property to my sons, and upon their death my grandsons, and upon their death the Baratheons, unless the Baratheons have been conceived in incest between Lannister siblings, and if so, then it goes to the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good, unless all the kids can read, then let the kids dig up all the grass and throw it at each other until the Others take us all." FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID PROPERTY. You are dead and we are all running your dirt errands and seriously everyone hates you.
6. The guy who thinks anybody's gonna buy his bullshit story in court about what he meant to do
This one is probably my person favorite, just because it's got a great combination of Big Brother-mind reading and astounding incredulity were it to ever actually show up in court. As you may know, much of criminal law requires a person to have a certain intent (the "mental element") to commit a crime. Lots of statutes will say things like "knowingly," "recklessly," or "with the intent to." This is obviously important because "oh shit I didn't mean to do that" is actually a legit defense sometimes, but in order to test it, the questions have to be all up in the person's head and tell you what they thought. It is always and forever the highest octane bullshit that would get you laughed out of court if your defense attorney is dumb enough to bring it up, but for the bar exam? Absolutely crucial to getting points. Lawyer licensing, everybody!
My personal favorite is this one, which has shown up three times that I can think of offhand and probably more. Person A thinks Person B took their stuff and brought it home with them. Instead of a) asking them for it back b) filing a report with the police c) doing literally any other goddamn thing, this person decides "the best possible thing for me to do is to follow this person home to find out where they live, wait until The Cover of Night, and break the fuck into their house to get my coat/laptop/who cares you broke into someone's HOUSE."
But Wait, There's More!
This person then realizes "oh shit, that's not my coat/laptop/whatever," it actually belongs to that other person, and then Person A decides LIKE A SOME KIND OF SOCIOPATH to just KEEP THE STUFF. Yep, they realize this is not their belonging, but they decide to hang on to it anyway. The question then goes "so, Future Lawyer, what crimes can they be charged with?" and you have to answer "well not burglary because that requires breaking in with the intent to steal and they thought the coat was theirs ahahahaaa what is this what is my life" and pretend like someone would legit show up in court and say "no but seriously I thought it was mine and the best option was to pull a home invasion but then the coat was just super cute so I kept it."
This list doesn't include the less frequent offenders, such as "Dude with a Bow and Arrow," "Mobster who Didn't Mean to Kill Anyone Just Meant to Shake 'Im Up a Little," and my personal favorite, "Important Witness Who Dies After Saying Something Crucial to the Case Outside of Any Court Proceedings." Two weeks, guys. Two weeks.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Bar prep is a study in contrasts
I'm a little over a month out, y'all, and even if the rest of the time were rainbows and butterflies, this would still be the hardest thing I've ever done. It is also just a ridiculous process.
(Realtalk before I get silly: it would be awesome if you could check in on me, because this is the worst, and if I see you in real life and snap at you it's not you, it's me/bar prep)
I no longer have any idea how smart I am
I will do like, 60-ish practice questions and get a decent number right because I just made a whole bunch of flashcards for the topic and I'll sit there like I AM THE SMARTEST (WO)MAN ALIVE and have grandiose visions of fist-bumping Ruth Bader Ginsburg and getting an Oscar for portraying myself in my own biographical movie and being chosen to lead the free world BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST
Aaaaaand then I'll read a practice essay, skip happily to a conclusion about what the issue is, write an outline for it, and then read the sample answer which is roughly the length of all the One Direction fanfic put together and realize that my outline is about as quality as the average One Direction fanfic because I missed literally everything important about the question ("there was a torts issue here? what? since when? oh since forever and you learned that 4 days ago") and then I just want to dive into my bed of shame and stay there until my brain reaches its goddamn potential which is NEVER.
I have a lot of feelings about the prep program I chose
(in all seriousness, Barbri has been great so far: the experience itself obviously sucks but in no way do I feel like they're leading me astray or that I don't have enough prep, and I really appreciate their graded essay program...disclaimer over)
I'll sit in class or watch a recorded lecture and be like "lawls bro made a Kenny G joke and I'm actually impressed with the level of fun in this horrendously boring topic" and I'll do a practice essay and get useful but non-soul-crushing feedback about the stuff I did right and the stuff I missed, and the program is inherently impossible to keep up with but definitely makes sure you cover everything important.
Then I'll get to a torts question that includes this:
"Once she confirmed with the bank teller that the charges from the escort service were not an error in the bank's system, she went outside to the driveway, where her husband's car was parked. She took a baseball bat to his headlights and carved her name in the leather seats."
did u just
yep
WE GOT US A "BEFORE HE CHEATS" REFERENCE AND I QUIT.
Also all the lecturers thus far have been white and all the lecturers except three have been men and this has therefore become a study in "if one more old white dude on a power trip with no hair and a nasally voice tells me how to run my life I will SNAP"
My emotions are both all over the place and no longer related to reality
Yep, saw a really cute dog the other day and started crying. Because it was cute. Really cute.
That's my major one right now: tearing up at things that are cute or pretty or some other equally benign adjective. Songs are a big one, but I've also teared up at a really delicious piece of chocolate, Game of Thrones, a text my mom sent me, Johann de Meij's "Hobbits", my new running sneakers, and, most embarrassingly, I teared up because I was laughing so hard at Jason Derulo's "Wiggle" being played at my spin class. Yeah, apparently what to do with that big fat butt is "burst into tears."
There's also what those in the biz call "bargression," which is hating pretty much the entire world. This means getting really upset at legitimate things, like racism, or an email from Sallie Mae, or the fact that "The Bachelorette" exists, but also little things. Everything becomes a trigger for Hulk-like levels of rage.
A non-exhaustive list of things that have set me off in the past month:
dropping my bar of soap while in the shower
a child's laughter
someone unironically using the expression "the bae" on Twitter
someone yelling their orders at Chipotle
someone ordering too quietly at Chipotle and needing to repeat everything
low battery on my Kindle when I am sitting next to the charger
engagement photos
the Red Cross emailing me to donate blood
cars (just cars, being on the road, at the same time as me)
someone looking at me in the gym
humidity
a commercial being on all 6 of my radio presets
texts from my apartment complex
"gluten-free"
"kaleesi" (sic)
not being able to find the specific pair of workout pants that I want that day
doing laundry
the sun
My brain can store a lot of things!...none of which are important
There is a LOT of stuff required for the bar, and although you're basically told that you can't really learn everything, you should know a lot. Which includes the dozen or so exceptions to the hearsay rule in evidence, the five elements of a negligence claim, roughly 8 goddamn million ways you can leave your stupid, stupid property to another person (no I'm not bitter why do you ask) and all the overlapping "who's in charge of THIS topic" shenanigans that is our three-branch federalist system of government. No but seriously states are the dumbest thing why do we have states I hate states one law only forever
At any given point, I am confident of about ten percent of the above material. Fun fact: ten percent competency does not let you pass the bar.
HOWEVER, I am about 95% competent on: Harry Potter spells, quotes from the movies Clueless and The Princess Bride, the words to "Welcome to Duloc" from the first Shrek movie, the words to "Guy Love" from the musical episode of Scrubs, which season of Say Yes to the Dress I'm watching by who the consultants are, the timing of the Rifftrax lines for all but the last of the Twilight movies, drawing a visual of Westeros' Seven Kingdoms, what Panem's districts specialize in manufacturing, and the Allomantic powers in the Mistborn novels.
You don't have to be disgusted: I already disgust myself, don't worry.
Basically if the bar exam has Harry Potter trivia, Titanic history, or Mean Girls quotes I'm golden; if it's on any other topic I am barely/possibly competent. (Hogwarts is a tort waiting to happen and some people who felt personally victimized by Regina George may have a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress and/or slander.)
My wardrobe is incredibly varied
lololol NOPE I get up, change into my daytime pajamas, study forever, shower, change into my nighttime pajamas, sleep, wake up, and repeat.
Yes, I have different pajamas for daytime and nighttime. It's important to be comfortable but not so comfortable that my brain just goes "screw this" and goes to sleep in the middle of a real property lecture review.
My energy level is basically a lightswitch
At about 7 PM or so I go full on Rip van Christina and my eyelids droop regardless of how much work still remains and I either 1. take an Ambien like a good little girl and then proceed off to sleepland to have my weird dreams (sleep meds are fun, y'all) 2. act like I'll calm down enough to not need an Ambien and attempt to read myself to sleep and toss and turn in a mattress of anxiety for the next four hours.
The next day, I get my first two hits of caffeine in AM hours, and that gets me functional, usually. Sometimes, I get a third thing of coffee in the afternoon, and then I'm just SO EXCITED to be ALIVE and STUDY EVERYTHING and OH MY GOSH I'm gonna make ALL THE FLASHCARDS and watch ALL THE LECTURES and do ALL THE ESSAYS and WHY ARE MY HANDS SHAKING WHEN I TRY TO WRITE IS THAT MY HEARTBEAT THAT'S MY HEARTBEAT AWESOME
The next few weeks should be better because the lectures taper off and I don't have to wake up to go in if I slept terribly the night before, but I can't quit caffeine right now. (They legit tell you before prep starts to not change any of your habits, up to and including "if you're doing cocaine regularly, keep doing cocaine. Quit after the bar.")
I am both the healthiest and least healthy I've ever been
I am at the gym like, ALL the time. I am running out my bargression (that's bar + aggression) and going to spin class and running more. I should go to yoga, but I walked in this week, felt like punching a wall, realized I shouldn't scare all the nice people, walked out, and did speedwork on the treadmill for like half an hour. I'm drinking a ton of water, exercising like a beast, and sleeping like a log a LOT.
However. My diet is all over the place, because some days I'm like "hell yeah, salad" and other days I'm like "every carb in the world represents one of my feelings and they're all going into my mouth right now." My posture is shit because I'm in a desk chair for like 10-12 hours a day, and as my prep program slowly crushes me, my spine bends like a pipe cleaner in a kindergartener's craft project and everything hurts and nothing is beautiful. I'm hoping bar prep-induced acne is a thing, because otherwise something is seriously wrong with my face, and my hair is legitimately drying out. I cut a ton of it off recently as well (and came really close to a "fuck it, we'll shave it off" moment while in the stylist's chair because I don't have time for shenanigans) so as a total package, I look like the Monster Book of Monsters. Again, if I progress this way...world's first orc lawyer.
Everything is really, really hard, but I am four weeks away from the exam, and I took a practice exam on Friday that went okay-ish, and this will not kill me. Andrew has the patience of a dozen saints, Twitter is full of hilarious bar preppers, and this too shall pass, and SO SHALL I. And then I get to go watch three of my friends get married over the month of August, and I'm planning a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I can do this.
(Realtalk before I get silly: it would be awesome if you could check in on me, because this is the worst, and if I see you in real life and snap at you it's not you, it's me/bar prep)
I no longer have any idea how smart I am
I will do like, 60-ish practice questions and get a decent number right because I just made a whole bunch of flashcards for the topic and I'll sit there like I AM THE SMARTEST (WO)MAN ALIVE and have grandiose visions of fist-bumping Ruth Bader Ginsburg and getting an Oscar for portraying myself in my own biographical movie and being chosen to lead the free world BECAUSE I AM THE GREATEST
Aaaaaand then I'll read a practice essay, skip happily to a conclusion about what the issue is, write an outline for it, and then read the sample answer which is roughly the length of all the One Direction fanfic put together and realize that my outline is about as quality as the average One Direction fanfic because I missed literally everything important about the question ("there was a torts issue here? what? since when? oh since forever and you learned that 4 days ago") and then I just want to dive into my bed of shame and stay there until my brain reaches its goddamn potential which is NEVER.
I have a lot of feelings about the prep program I chose
(in all seriousness, Barbri has been great so far: the experience itself obviously sucks but in no way do I feel like they're leading me astray or that I don't have enough prep, and I really appreciate their graded essay program...disclaimer over)
I'll sit in class or watch a recorded lecture and be like "lawls bro made a Kenny G joke and I'm actually impressed with the level of fun in this horrendously boring topic" and I'll do a practice essay and get useful but non-soul-crushing feedback about the stuff I did right and the stuff I missed, and the program is inherently impossible to keep up with but definitely makes sure you cover everything important.
Then I'll get to a torts question that includes this:
"Once she confirmed with the bank teller that the charges from the escort service were not an error in the bank's system, she went outside to the driveway, where her husband's car was parked. She took a baseball bat to his headlights and carved her name in the leather seats."
did u just
yep
WE GOT US A "BEFORE HE CHEATS" REFERENCE AND I QUIT.
Also all the lecturers thus far have been white and all the lecturers except three have been men and this has therefore become a study in "if one more old white dude on a power trip with no hair and a nasally voice tells me how to run my life I will SNAP"
My emotions are both all over the place and no longer related to reality
Yep, saw a really cute dog the other day and started crying. Because it was cute. Really cute.
That's my major one right now: tearing up at things that are cute or pretty or some other equally benign adjective. Songs are a big one, but I've also teared up at a really delicious piece of chocolate, Game of Thrones, a text my mom sent me, Johann de Meij's "Hobbits", my new running sneakers, and, most embarrassingly, I teared up because I was laughing so hard at Jason Derulo's "Wiggle" being played at my spin class. Yeah, apparently what to do with that big fat butt is "burst into tears."
There's also what those in the biz call "bargression," which is hating pretty much the entire world. This means getting really upset at legitimate things, like racism, or an email from Sallie Mae, or the fact that "The Bachelorette" exists, but also little things. Everything becomes a trigger for Hulk-like levels of rage.
A non-exhaustive list of things that have set me off in the past month:
dropping my bar of soap while in the shower
a child's laughter
someone unironically using the expression "the bae" on Twitter
someone yelling their orders at Chipotle
someone ordering too quietly at Chipotle and needing to repeat everything
low battery on my Kindle when I am sitting next to the charger
engagement photos
the Red Cross emailing me to donate blood
cars (just cars, being on the road, at the same time as me)
someone looking at me in the gym
humidity
a commercial being on all 6 of my radio presets
texts from my apartment complex
"gluten-free"
"kaleesi" (sic)
not being able to find the specific pair of workout pants that I want that day
doing laundry
the sun
My brain can store a lot of things!...none of which are important
There is a LOT of stuff required for the bar, and although you're basically told that you can't really learn everything, you should know a lot. Which includes the dozen or so exceptions to the hearsay rule in evidence, the five elements of a negligence claim, roughly 8 goddamn million ways you can leave your stupid, stupid property to another person (no I'm not bitter why do you ask) and all the overlapping "who's in charge of THIS topic" shenanigans that is our three-branch federalist system of government. No but seriously states are the dumbest thing why do we have states I hate states one law only forever
At any given point, I am confident of about ten percent of the above material. Fun fact: ten percent competency does not let you pass the bar.
HOWEVER, I am about 95% competent on: Harry Potter spells, quotes from the movies Clueless and The Princess Bride, the words to "Welcome to Duloc" from the first Shrek movie, the words to "Guy Love" from the musical episode of Scrubs, which season of Say Yes to the Dress I'm watching by who the consultants are, the timing of the Rifftrax lines for all but the last of the Twilight movies, drawing a visual of Westeros' Seven Kingdoms, what Panem's districts specialize in manufacturing, and the Allomantic powers in the Mistborn novels.
You don't have to be disgusted: I already disgust myself, don't worry.
Basically if the bar exam has Harry Potter trivia, Titanic history, or Mean Girls quotes I'm golden; if it's on any other topic I am barely/possibly competent. (Hogwarts is a tort waiting to happen and some people who felt personally victimized by Regina George may have a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress and/or slander.)
My wardrobe is incredibly varied
lololol NOPE I get up, change into my daytime pajamas, study forever, shower, change into my nighttime pajamas, sleep, wake up, and repeat.
Yes, I have different pajamas for daytime and nighttime. It's important to be comfortable but not so comfortable that my brain just goes "screw this" and goes to sleep in the middle of a real property lecture review.
My energy level is basically a lightswitch
At about 7 PM or so I go full on Rip van Christina and my eyelids droop regardless of how much work still remains and I either 1. take an Ambien like a good little girl and then proceed off to sleepland to have my weird dreams (sleep meds are fun, y'all) 2. act like I'll calm down enough to not need an Ambien and attempt to read myself to sleep and toss and turn in a mattress of anxiety for the next four hours.
The next day, I get my first two hits of caffeine in AM hours, and that gets me functional, usually. Sometimes, I get a third thing of coffee in the afternoon, and then I'm just SO EXCITED to be ALIVE and STUDY EVERYTHING and OH MY GOSH I'm gonna make ALL THE FLASHCARDS and watch ALL THE LECTURES and do ALL THE ESSAYS and WHY ARE MY HANDS SHAKING WHEN I TRY TO WRITE IS THAT MY HEARTBEAT THAT'S MY HEARTBEAT AWESOME
The next few weeks should be better because the lectures taper off and I don't have to wake up to go in if I slept terribly the night before, but I can't quit caffeine right now. (They legit tell you before prep starts to not change any of your habits, up to and including "if you're doing cocaine regularly, keep doing cocaine. Quit after the bar.")
I am both the healthiest and least healthy I've ever been
I am at the gym like, ALL the time. I am running out my bargression (that's bar + aggression) and going to spin class and running more. I should go to yoga, but I walked in this week, felt like punching a wall, realized I shouldn't scare all the nice people, walked out, and did speedwork on the treadmill for like half an hour. I'm drinking a ton of water, exercising like a beast, and sleeping like a log a LOT.
However. My diet is all over the place, because some days I'm like "hell yeah, salad" and other days I'm like "every carb in the world represents one of my feelings and they're all going into my mouth right now." My posture is shit because I'm in a desk chair for like 10-12 hours a day, and as my prep program slowly crushes me, my spine bends like a pipe cleaner in a kindergartener's craft project and everything hurts and nothing is beautiful. I'm hoping bar prep-induced acne is a thing, because otherwise something is seriously wrong with my face, and my hair is legitimately drying out. I cut a ton of it off recently as well (and came really close to a "fuck it, we'll shave it off" moment while in the stylist's chair because I don't have time for shenanigans) so as a total package, I look like the Monster Book of Monsters. Again, if I progress this way...world's first orc lawyer.
Everything is really, really hard, but I am four weeks away from the exam, and I took a practice exam on Friday that went okay-ish, and this will not kill me. Andrew has the patience of a dozen saints, Twitter is full of hilarious bar preppers, and this too shall pass, and SO SHALL I. And then I get to go watch three of my friends get married over the month of August, and I'm planning a trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I can do this.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Game of Thrones Season 4 Episode 10, "The Children"
AKA "lol what source material" and also "HBO stop touching things I love"
Because I need it, this was what made me laugh the hardest after the episode.
Andrew: "Wait, so where's Dorne?"
Me: "It's where Oberyn was from. He's got a lot of bastard daughters. And he's got a brother, the guy actually in charge, and there's a lot of plot that takes place there-"
Andrew: "WAIT CAN HE PLAY THE BROTHER TOO?!"
Me: "I wish."
Pedro we miss youuuuuuu
Although there were some good moments in tonight's episode, I'm overall just really pissed. I am committed to a no-book-spoilers post, but I do have my LSH thoughts at the very end, so if you've read the books, go ahead; if you haven't, just stop where I say stop.
There's a ton of nerdrage in this post, and also a ton of just general rage. I'm...tired, guys. This show has turned into a microcosm of a lot of the stuff that gets me mad in the real world, but the series was supposed to be a bit of a safe place for me, as silly as that sounds about a series that's notorious for killing people off. But it was familiar, and I could discuss things with people like "who would you like to sit the Iron Throne?" and "who would you love to see as a POV character who isn't one?" but now I'm sitting on Twitter watching people type things like "kaleesi's got a set of balls on her" and "Shae got what she deserved, that bitch" and I'm just so, so tired. Obviously I'm not implying that you're trash if you just watch the show (the show's not going to make you a misogynist if you're not one), but it hands up these stereotypes and ruins complicated characters and just generally talks down to the viewers and makes it easy for people who are misogynists to jump into the show. The books don't. This is not a "books>show" argument, because they are different forms of media and you are not smarter or better because you read instead of watching TV. This is a "these books>>>>this show" argument. Maybe after I take the bar I'll be up for arguing this more, but I legit might cry if I have to do it now, so just hold off, please. And if you see me in real life just give me a hug?
The Wall
It's nice to see that they got the camera man from the first three Bourne movies to shakily follow Jon around for the first ten minutes
We are apparently paying Ciaran Hinds by the minute but I'm glad to finally see him. I guess he doesn't have his kid, though? I don't remember seeing Dalla or Val yet, and I'm assuming that means we don't get them, which could be a problem? And the Horn? Mance's threats seem to hold no water without the Horn ("if you don't let us in will continue to throw mammoths at your Wall and you'll, uh, set them on fire but uh, YEAH COME AT ME BRO"), and seriously, the dialogue was handed to you. We'll see. Stannis' arrival should have been the end of last week's episode, hands down. I'm not sure how long they're gonna keep Davos around but I guess he's there too. Again, lol what source material. HOWEVER, this scene was great. Listening to Mance and Stannis play a wordgame version of "my kingly penis is larger than yours" was perhaps my favorite bit of dialogue in the episode, and the attack looked great, and people seemed legitimately surprised. If you rewatch, look at Davos' face while Mance is sassing Stannis: I was waiting for him to bust out with a "in Soviet Russia" joke. "In Soviet Dragonstone, weather dresses for you!" #AllHailStannis
I'm okay with the fact they gave some of Mance's lines to Tormund, because I did want to hear some of them. (They're gonna switch his role with Rattleshirt, aren't they...dammit.) I also know they have to portray Jon's sadness over Ygritte somehow, but goddamn it dragging her funeral pyre out there and then pulling a Sad Boys Drop Their Torches Behind Them Without Looking is just ugh. I would not have been so upset with all the funeral stuff if that was the only scene from the Wall, but they had ALL of last week and still wasted time there, so much time. We also apparently don't care that no one's in charge? What's happening next? Idk Jon you go kiss your girl by the fire because you now Know Something or whatever I don't know screw this show.
Bran
Brandon and the Argonauts: tonight's special effects brought to you by Harryhausen
Outside the cave: total bullshit scene. (I was hoping the first hand was gonna be Coldhands but yeah he's never showing up) Once inside the cave: actually kind of great? I liked it once they got in there, it was exactly as I had pictured it. You know what's gonna be THRILLING to watch? Bran, Meera and Hodor dicking around in that cave for the next two seasons. I'm joking. Lol what's pacing idk
I guess Thomas Brodie-Sangster had to go shoot "Love Actually 2: Die Harder" because okay, Jojen's dead? Sure? Can no one do anything on this show with out "I didn't want anyone to die for meeeee"? Like clearly the show runners have no respect for their audience but did they not think we could feel things correctly without killing off characters?
Brienne/Arya/Pod/The Hound
#IncomPodence (love you Podrick)
The little "we both named our swords, GIRL POWER" scene was 100% unnecessary and once again, show runners, can you stop attempting to spoon feed "Strong Women" to us? We got it, or we don't got it, but that's not helping. Just stahp. Brienne's dialogue with Sandor, however: yep. Works. The difference between the two characters in thinking that there's somewhere safe left was wonderful. Not in the books, but works. That's when I don't really get mad: you made stuff up, but it makes sense both in-universe and for the character (see last week's Sam Tarly).
Fight scene, and Arya and Sandor after the fight scene = A++++. Actually quite pleased with this whole thing. Maisie and Rory, Rory especially, nailed this scene, and the grossness of Brienne's fight with him was just spot on. Not glorious sword-spinning and pretty dance-fighting, just blood and screaming because yep, that's how it be. Also oh hey Brienne will destroy you. Like she wears that armor for a reason, and I'm really, really happy the show demonstrated just how good a warrior she is. It's also excellent that she beat Sandor, tried to be noble about it, and when he did his weird "I'ma hold your sword now" (which reminded me of that Uruk-hai from "Fellowship" when he like grabs the sword that's in his stomach right before Aragorn beheads him because he's so BA, or whatever) she was straight up like "oh that's how it's gonna be? BRING IT." Brienne of Fucking Tarth, but in a good way.
SO, I was in a good mood about the show getting something right, and then I walked in to bar prep and overheard some bro saying "I like Arya, I just don't know if I'll keep liking her as much if she's not with the Hound anymore." Just fuck everything, seriously, I'm so done. Friendly reminder, once again, that the Hound, while totes getting his face burned off, is still an actual piece of shit who robs and kills and was 100% serious about that Sansa thing. And I saw people defending him like "but he didn't do it!" and I'm like "you're mounting a defense for a 35-year-old dude who was going to rape a 13-year-old girl and the entire defense, beginning and end, is that he DIDN'T ACTUALLY RAPE HER? Is that what's happening here? Jesus, people." And yes, I know that part of what he said was to incense Arya into finishing him off (so please don't try to mansplain it because that shit happened to me already and I'm not stupid...just bitter), but he DID kill Mycah and he DID kill a ton of other people on Joffrey's orders and he DID rob that farmer and he considered raping Sansa. He's not a good guy, okay? This is really a difficult set of characters for me, because I think the actors (and even the writers, mostly) did a great job with them this season, but the misogyny of the show fans comes out so hard with Arya and the Hound. Okay, so to sum up my feelings: Maisie, Rory, most of the dialogue (especially in this episode) = really great. Defending Sandor = not great.
Dany
We are now in the beginning of book 5 for her, who's looking forward to the Meereenese knot HAHA no one good luck show peeps. The old man who comes in and asks if he can reenslave himself was actually a great scene: she gets the information differently in the books, but it worked. She's starting to realize that for some of those who were enslaved, her arrival and dramatic freeing does not fix everything. I'm hoping the show makes it clear what the other issues are, because as important as the old man's plight is, I'm worried leaving people on that note will somehow turn into "yeah slavery's not that bad and it wasn't that bad in the real world, either!" because I straight up do not trust a large portion of the show's fanbase. That said, it was a pretty great scene (the actor playing the old man rode the line of allllllmost insubordinate very, very well) and introduced a problem neatly and quickly. The scene with Hazzea's father bringing her bones was also very well done, and if they had shortened the dramatic Closing of the Doors or whatever that was with her dragons, I would have actually said this was a very solid Dany week, but I mean, I guess we paid for the CGI or whatever so DRAGON IT UP.
King's Landing
NOOOOOPE. Just all around nope. Nope-ier as we go along
Firstly, hated the Cersei and Tywin scene: like let's not pretend that Cersei can out-do Tywin at anything. When I was reading, I was always under the impression that Tywin totally knows where all the kids come from, he's just dedicated to not letting it become public/accepted as true. The show decided instead to give him a "na na na can't HEEEEAAAAR youuuu" to Cersei's "yeah no the kids are totes incest babies" instead of a "yeah, I know, shut your face or I'll do something worse." She and Jaime are apparently still cool, as well, even though by this point in the books he's super pro-Tyrion and she's really pissed at him but now we get to watch them bang again because nothing gets twins ready like "our brother's about to be executed but only one of us is conflicted about it." Ughh.
Now, on to the important thing. HBO you done fucked up and not just in a "ruin several characters" way, in a "let's not so subtly make violence against women okay again."
In the show's second season, you may recall that Tyrion mentions his first wife, Tysha, as a peasant girl who he believed genuinely fell in love with him, and they got married, and then Jaime and Tywin told him that no, she was actually a whore (I don't like using this word but I'm using it here because it's important later), and Tywin makes Tyrion watch as a whole garrison of Lannister men have sex with her for money, and then Tyrion has to do it, and gives her more money, because "a Lannister is worth more." This understandably screwed him up a little. This is also true in the books. In this scene from A Storm of Swords, Jaime, with Varys' help, comes to rescue him (it's the first time they've seen each other since Jaime's return), and because Jaime's gotten some kind of conscience, he tells Tyrion the truth during the escape: Tysha was in fact just a peasant girl and she had fallen in love with Tyrion, so the stuff orchestrated by Tywin (with Jaime's participation) was a gang rape of a teenage girl. Tyrion loses it, and tells Jaime not only that he's responsible for Joffrey's death (which is false), but also that Cersei has been unfaithful to him while he's been at war, which is 100% true: she uses sex to control and she's been using it a lot. Jaime leaves pretty messed up, and Tyrion tells Varys to wait for him while he goes to find Tywin. He discovers Shae in his father's bed (which makes Tywin a huge hypocrite, just to remind you: no whores unless you're me, I guess?), and she attempts to smooth things over, but Tyrion strangles her. He then gets a crossbow, finds his dad in the privy, and asks him about Tysha, who Tywin barely remembers, and calls a whore. Tyrion warns him not to use that word, and asks Tywin where Tysha went. Tywin says, "Wherever whores go," and Tyrion shoots him. We see all this from Tyrion's perspective, and it's pretty damn clear that he's snapped a bit with what Jaime told him. There is nothing heroic about either of the acts, especially not killing Shae, but we see the motivation.
The scene in the show?
The rest of it is below the gif.
THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW THE DRAGON FOR THE EPILOGUE OF BOOK 3. UNSULLIED, STOP READING AND ENJOY THIS GIF OF TOOTHLESS.
Lady Stoneheart
I swore so much when they cut to the credits and left her out. I've been reading some reactions and other things about the lack of Lady Stoneheart: one that made me angry was someone arguing that it's a waste of a plot point because we only see her one more time so where are we going with that? (Okay??? that doesn't even make sense, we see like a jillion people once or twice, including Beric!) However, the most frustrating one by far was from the director of the episode. Alex "We Didn't Shoot a Rape Scene" Graves. He thought it was hilarious that the fans were gearing up for that scene, because it was never ever a possibility, and they might cut her out entirely. Mostly because they'd "have to call back Michelle Fairley, who's this amazing actress, and she's just a zombie who runs around...killing people? Why would we like that?"
Get the fuck out of here. First of all, don't act like "running around killing people" is not enough of a characterization for you. You've got like 2 dozen men whose entire story is "I run around and kill people." Secondly, "running around and killing people" is what you got out of Lady Stoneheart? Really? Not the fact that she's targeting Freys? Not the fact that she's not Catelyn anymore, she's a dead, vengeful thing who is no longer a mother and just now made up of straight murder and anger? Not that Brienne is going to meet up with her later? Not that the Lord of Light's power can be transferred from person to person? Not that Beric is now dead, and maybe something happened to Thoros because he transferred the power? Not that Catelyn in this form could conceivably run into her living children and oh my God what if that happened? None of that occurred to you? Oh, no, I'm sorry, she's a murder-zombie, what was I thinking. Thirdly, fuck you for pretending to care about Catelyn's characterization. The show's creators had so much of a broner for Robb Stark that they made up an entire wife storyline for him with a backstory and lines and Robb's unborn Nedbaby, while leaving Catelyn to weave prayer wheels and sit there saying "if only I had loved Jon Snow" and getting put in a cell by her son. Don't you DARE act like you suddenly care about this woman who is just *~*not COOOL like Dany and Arya**~~* because she's only a mother and doesn't fight and she's whiny and she started the war and etc etc all this other shit you've let the fandom think because you did NOTHING with her character. Finally, you're laughing at the bookreaders for expecting the end of a season that loosely followed the end of book three to end at its actual fucking ending. This is funny to you? We've read the books, some of us many, many times. We hyped up your show. We put in money to this series. Our interest is the only reason you have a goddamn show to work with, and instead of responding with "hey, I know it was a really epic scene in the books, but we chose to go in a different direction/it didn't work well on-screen" you decided the best possible response was "LOL fuck you for wanting things, fandom." And many of the comments I've seen from people who watch the show have been along the same lines: "congrats, you read the books? what do you want, a cookie?"
I mean, yeah, I do, because cookies are delicious, but I'd settle for some acknowledgment by the show's directors and writers that there is source material and a fandom built around it, and both of them are the reason you have a show in the first place. The overarching attitude about them has never read as "this is a gorgeous series and we're honored to write for it and adapt it and we're so thankful to Martin," it's read as "we are literally those three models in Zoolander having a gasoline fight on the source material and lol fuck your feelings." I'm not going to pretend like I'll stop watching, but it's getting to the point that I kinda wish the show had never happened.
Sorry, y'all, I know. *Sad trombone noise* Anyway, I'm checking out. Maybe I'll want to talk about this after a couple weeks, but not so much right now.
Because I need it, this was what made me laugh the hardest after the episode.
Andrew: "Wait, so where's Dorne?"
Me: "It's where Oberyn was from. He's got a lot of bastard daughters. And he's got a brother, the guy actually in charge, and there's a lot of plot that takes place there-"
Andrew: "WAIT CAN HE PLAY THE BROTHER TOO?!"
Me: "I wish."
Pedro we miss youuuuuuu
Although there were some good moments in tonight's episode, I'm overall just really pissed. I am committed to a no-book-spoilers post, but I do have my LSH thoughts at the very end, so if you've read the books, go ahead; if you haven't, just stop where I say stop.
There's a ton of nerdrage in this post, and also a ton of just general rage. I'm...tired, guys. This show has turned into a microcosm of a lot of the stuff that gets me mad in the real world, but the series was supposed to be a bit of a safe place for me, as silly as that sounds about a series that's notorious for killing people off. But it was familiar, and I could discuss things with people like "who would you like to sit the Iron Throne?" and "who would you love to see as a POV character who isn't one?" but now I'm sitting on Twitter watching people type things like "kaleesi's got a set of balls on her" and "Shae got what she deserved, that bitch" and I'm just so, so tired. Obviously I'm not implying that you're trash if you just watch the show (the show's not going to make you a misogynist if you're not one), but it hands up these stereotypes and ruins complicated characters and just generally talks down to the viewers and makes it easy for people who are misogynists to jump into the show. The books don't. This is not a "books>show" argument, because they are different forms of media and you are not smarter or better because you read instead of watching TV. This is a "these books>>>>this show" argument. Maybe after I take the bar I'll be up for arguing this more, but I legit might cry if I have to do it now, so just hold off, please. And if you see me in real life just give me a hug?
The Wall
It's nice to see that they got the camera man from the first three Bourne movies to shakily follow Jon around for the first ten minutes
We are apparently paying Ciaran Hinds by the minute but I'm glad to finally see him. I guess he doesn't have his kid, though? I don't remember seeing Dalla or Val yet, and I'm assuming that means we don't get them, which could be a problem? And the Horn? Mance's threats seem to hold no water without the Horn ("if you don't let us in will continue to throw mammoths at your Wall and you'll, uh, set them on fire but uh, YEAH COME AT ME BRO"), and seriously, the dialogue was handed to you. We'll see. Stannis' arrival should have been the end of last week's episode, hands down. I'm not sure how long they're gonna keep Davos around but I guess he's there too. Again, lol what source material. HOWEVER, this scene was great. Listening to Mance and Stannis play a wordgame version of "my kingly penis is larger than yours" was perhaps my favorite bit of dialogue in the episode, and the attack looked great, and people seemed legitimately surprised. If you rewatch, look at Davos' face while Mance is sassing Stannis: I was waiting for him to bust out with a "in Soviet Russia" joke. "In Soviet Dragonstone, weather dresses for you!" #AllHailStannis
I'm okay with the fact they gave some of Mance's lines to Tormund, because I did want to hear some of them. (They're gonna switch his role with Rattleshirt, aren't they...dammit.) I also know they have to portray Jon's sadness over Ygritte somehow, but goddamn it dragging her funeral pyre out there and then pulling a Sad Boys Drop Their Torches Behind Them Without Looking is just ugh. I would not have been so upset with all the funeral stuff if that was the only scene from the Wall, but they had ALL of last week and still wasted time there, so much time. We also apparently don't care that no one's in charge? What's happening next? Idk Jon you go kiss your girl by the fire because you now Know Something or whatever I don't know screw this show.
Bran
Brandon and the Argonauts: tonight's special effects brought to you by Harryhausen
Outside the cave: total bullshit scene. (I was hoping the first hand was gonna be Coldhands but yeah he's never showing up) Once inside the cave: actually kind of great? I liked it once they got in there, it was exactly as I had pictured it. You know what's gonna be THRILLING to watch? Bran, Meera and Hodor dicking around in that cave for the next two seasons. I'm joking. Lol what's pacing idk
I guess Thomas Brodie-Sangster had to go shoot "Love Actually 2: Die Harder" because okay, Jojen's dead? Sure? Can no one do anything on this show with out "I didn't want anyone to die for meeeee"? Like clearly the show runners have no respect for their audience but did they not think we could feel things correctly without killing off characters?
Brienne/Arya/Pod/The Hound
#IncomPodence (love you Podrick)
The little "we both named our swords, GIRL POWER" scene was 100% unnecessary and once again, show runners, can you stop attempting to spoon feed "Strong Women" to us? We got it, or we don't got it, but that's not helping. Just stahp. Brienne's dialogue with Sandor, however: yep. Works. The difference between the two characters in thinking that there's somewhere safe left was wonderful. Not in the books, but works. That's when I don't really get mad: you made stuff up, but it makes sense both in-universe and for the character (see last week's Sam Tarly).
Fight scene, and Arya and Sandor after the fight scene = A++++. Actually quite pleased with this whole thing. Maisie and Rory, Rory especially, nailed this scene, and the grossness of Brienne's fight with him was just spot on. Not glorious sword-spinning and pretty dance-fighting, just blood and screaming because yep, that's how it be. Also oh hey Brienne will destroy you. Like she wears that armor for a reason, and I'm really, really happy the show demonstrated just how good a warrior she is. It's also excellent that she beat Sandor, tried to be noble about it, and when he did his weird "I'ma hold your sword now" (which reminded me of that Uruk-hai from "Fellowship" when he like grabs the sword that's in his stomach right before Aragorn beheads him because he's so BA, or whatever) she was straight up like "oh that's how it's gonna be? BRING IT." Brienne of Fucking Tarth, but in a good way.
SO, I was in a good mood about the show getting something right, and then I walked in to bar prep and overheard some bro saying "I like Arya, I just don't know if I'll keep liking her as much if she's not with the Hound anymore." Just fuck everything, seriously, I'm so done. Friendly reminder, once again, that the Hound, while totes getting his face burned off, is still an actual piece of shit who robs and kills and was 100% serious about that Sansa thing. And I saw people defending him like "but he didn't do it!" and I'm like "you're mounting a defense for a 35-year-old dude who was going to rape a 13-year-old girl and the entire defense, beginning and end, is that he DIDN'T ACTUALLY RAPE HER? Is that what's happening here? Jesus, people." And yes, I know that part of what he said was to incense Arya into finishing him off (so please don't try to mansplain it because that shit happened to me already and I'm not stupid...just bitter), but he DID kill Mycah and he DID kill a ton of other people on Joffrey's orders and he DID rob that farmer and he considered raping Sansa. He's not a good guy, okay? This is really a difficult set of characters for me, because I think the actors (and even the writers, mostly) did a great job with them this season, but the misogyny of the show fans comes out so hard with Arya and the Hound. Okay, so to sum up my feelings: Maisie, Rory, most of the dialogue (especially in this episode) = really great. Defending Sandor = not great.
Dany
We are now in the beginning of book 5 for her, who's looking forward to the Meereenese knot HAHA no one good luck show peeps. The old man who comes in and asks if he can reenslave himself was actually a great scene: she gets the information differently in the books, but it worked. She's starting to realize that for some of those who were enslaved, her arrival and dramatic freeing does not fix everything. I'm hoping the show makes it clear what the other issues are, because as important as the old man's plight is, I'm worried leaving people on that note will somehow turn into "yeah slavery's not that bad and it wasn't that bad in the real world, either!" because I straight up do not trust a large portion of the show's fanbase. That said, it was a pretty great scene (the actor playing the old man rode the line of allllllmost insubordinate very, very well) and introduced a problem neatly and quickly. The scene with Hazzea's father bringing her bones was also very well done, and if they had shortened the dramatic Closing of the Doors or whatever that was with her dragons, I would have actually said this was a very solid Dany week, but I mean, I guess we paid for the CGI or whatever so DRAGON IT UP.
King's Landing
NOOOOOPE. Just all around nope. Nope-ier as we go along
Firstly, hated the Cersei and Tywin scene: like let's not pretend that Cersei can out-do Tywin at anything. When I was reading, I was always under the impression that Tywin totally knows where all the kids come from, he's just dedicated to not letting it become public/accepted as true. The show decided instead to give him a "na na na can't HEEEEAAAAR youuuu" to Cersei's "yeah no the kids are totes incest babies" instead of a "yeah, I know, shut your face or I'll do something worse." She and Jaime are apparently still cool, as well, even though by this point in the books he's super pro-Tyrion and she's really pissed at him but now we get to watch them bang again because nothing gets twins ready like "our brother's about to be executed but only one of us is conflicted about it." Ughh.
Now, on to the important thing. HBO you done fucked up and not just in a "ruin several characters" way, in a "let's not so subtly make violence against women okay again."
In the show's second season, you may recall that Tyrion mentions his first wife, Tysha, as a peasant girl who he believed genuinely fell in love with him, and they got married, and then Jaime and Tywin told him that no, she was actually a whore (I don't like using this word but I'm using it here because it's important later), and Tywin makes Tyrion watch as a whole garrison of Lannister men have sex with her for money, and then Tyrion has to do it, and gives her more money, because "a Lannister is worth more." This understandably screwed him up a little. This is also true in the books. In this scene from A Storm of Swords, Jaime, with Varys' help, comes to rescue him (it's the first time they've seen each other since Jaime's return), and because Jaime's gotten some kind of conscience, he tells Tyrion the truth during the escape: Tysha was in fact just a peasant girl and she had fallen in love with Tyrion, so the stuff orchestrated by Tywin (with Jaime's participation) was a gang rape of a teenage girl. Tyrion loses it, and tells Jaime not only that he's responsible for Joffrey's death (which is false), but also that Cersei has been unfaithful to him while he's been at war, which is 100% true: she uses sex to control and she's been using it a lot. Jaime leaves pretty messed up, and Tyrion tells Varys to wait for him while he goes to find Tywin. He discovers Shae in his father's bed (which makes Tywin a huge hypocrite, just to remind you: no whores unless you're me, I guess?), and she attempts to smooth things over, but Tyrion strangles her. He then gets a crossbow, finds his dad in the privy, and asks him about Tysha, who Tywin barely remembers, and calls a whore. Tyrion warns him not to use that word, and asks Tywin where Tysha went. Tywin says, "Wherever whores go," and Tyrion shoots him. We see all this from Tyrion's perspective, and it's pretty damn clear that he's snapped a bit with what Jaime told him. There is nothing heroic about either of the acts, especially not killing Shae, but we see the motivation.
The scene in the show?
- Destroy Jaime's character going forward because he's still cool with Cersei and helped organize the gang rape of his brother's first wife, and then they bro-hug
- Tyrion decides to go on a happy little jaunt for no goddamn reason even though he's free (I guess to get more Solid Lannister Parenting from Tywin the Great?)
- Shae's death is turned into "well he had to because it was self-defense" even though he could have legit just turned around and walked out of the room when he saw her, and her actions were more self-defense than his were
- I get to watch Twitter blow up with "good, Tyrion got his revenge, I hated that stupid bitch" so I cry forever
- Tyrion apologizes to her dead body (not in the books) because yeah I guess that totes fixes it, plus the Tyrion fans don't want anything to be wrong with their most precious Tyrion even though he is just as flawed as literally everyone else on this show and is now officially a murderer
- Goes to find Tywin, who decides to pull a sky-Mufasa "REMEMBAHHH WHO YOU AAAAHHHH" with "you're my son" and "I was never going to let them kill you" (LOL YES YOU TOTES WERE)
- Tyrion defends Shae and tells his father not to call her a whore. Not Tysha, Shae. The woman he just strangled. I'm sure she's way more pissed about the "whore" thing than the strangulation. How dare you call her a whore, but killing her? Totes okay.
- Tywin calls her a whore again and Tyrion shoots him not because he organized the repeated rape of his teenage wife or he butchered a ton of northmen at the Red Wedding or that he wiped out an entire noble family or that the smallfolk are starving under his rule or that he's just generally a terrible human being but because he called Tyrion's murder victim a woman who has sex for money happy father's day
- Varys didn't know this was going on (LOL RITE) and gets on a ship with Tyrion The Bestest Ever Who Can Do No Wrong
- I quit everything
The rest of it is below the gif.
THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW THE DRAGON FOR THE EPILOGUE OF BOOK 3. UNSULLIED, STOP READING AND ENJOY THIS GIF OF TOOTHLESS.
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| I love Toothless and I'm not sorry. |
Lady Stoneheart
I swore so much when they cut to the credits and left her out. I've been reading some reactions and other things about the lack of Lady Stoneheart: one that made me angry was someone arguing that it's a waste of a plot point because we only see her one more time so where are we going with that? (Okay??? that doesn't even make sense, we see like a jillion people once or twice, including Beric!) However, the most frustrating one by far was from the director of the episode. Alex "We Didn't Shoot a Rape Scene" Graves. He thought it was hilarious that the fans were gearing up for that scene, because it was never ever a possibility, and they might cut her out entirely. Mostly because they'd "have to call back Michelle Fairley, who's this amazing actress, and she's just a zombie who runs around...killing people? Why would we like that?"
Get the fuck out of here. First of all, don't act like "running around killing people" is not enough of a characterization for you. You've got like 2 dozen men whose entire story is "I run around and kill people." Secondly, "running around and killing people" is what you got out of Lady Stoneheart? Really? Not the fact that she's targeting Freys? Not the fact that she's not Catelyn anymore, she's a dead, vengeful thing who is no longer a mother and just now made up of straight murder and anger? Not that Brienne is going to meet up with her later? Not that the Lord of Light's power can be transferred from person to person? Not that Beric is now dead, and maybe something happened to Thoros because he transferred the power? Not that Catelyn in this form could conceivably run into her living children and oh my God what if that happened? None of that occurred to you? Oh, no, I'm sorry, she's a murder-zombie, what was I thinking. Thirdly, fuck you for pretending to care about Catelyn's characterization. The show's creators had so much of a broner for Robb Stark that they made up an entire wife storyline for him with a backstory and lines and Robb's unborn Nedbaby, while leaving Catelyn to weave prayer wheels and sit there saying "if only I had loved Jon Snow" and getting put in a cell by her son. Don't you DARE act like you suddenly care about this woman who is just *~*not COOOL like Dany and Arya**~~* because she's only a mother and doesn't fight and she's whiny and she started the war and etc etc all this other shit you've let the fandom think because you did NOTHING with her character. Finally, you're laughing at the bookreaders for expecting the end of a season that loosely followed the end of book three to end at its actual fucking ending. This is funny to you? We've read the books, some of us many, many times. We hyped up your show. We put in money to this series. Our interest is the only reason you have a goddamn show to work with, and instead of responding with "hey, I know it was a really epic scene in the books, but we chose to go in a different direction/it didn't work well on-screen" you decided the best possible response was "LOL fuck you for wanting things, fandom." And many of the comments I've seen from people who watch the show have been along the same lines: "congrats, you read the books? what do you want, a cookie?"
I mean, yeah, I do, because cookies are delicious, but I'd settle for some acknowledgment by the show's directors and writers that there is source material and a fandom built around it, and both of them are the reason you have a show in the first place. The overarching attitude about them has never read as "this is a gorgeous series and we're honored to write for it and adapt it and we're so thankful to Martin," it's read as "we are literally those three models in Zoolander having a gasoline fight on the source material and lol fuck your feelings." I'm not going to pretend like I'll stop watching, but it's getting to the point that I kinda wish the show had never happened.
Sorry, y'all, I know. *Sad trombone noise* Anyway, I'm checking out. Maybe I'll want to talk about this after a couple weeks, but not so much right now.
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