This entire episode was one long terribly written chapter fanfiction mated with a foghorn noise with a dash of misogyny and a whole heap of racism
This stupid stupid stupid show
I was mad from the literal opening credits because they labeled Sunspear "Dorne" which it's not, Dorne is the country. This is yes, kind of minor, but considering that Dorne is home to some of the few people of color we've seen on this show, it felt preeeeetty gross watching it. It's like having a close up map of Nairobi and labeling it "Africa." Get it the fuck together, show.
More racism at 11 BUT FIRST
The Wall
Carice van Houten must have signed an agreement in Ghiscari which stated "we promise to keep giving you time on the show, but only in incredibly ridiculous and unnecessary scenes with your boobs out" because gurl WHY. The group I was watching with all legit said "OH COME ON" when that happened because why. why. why is this important or something that would work. Jon is still mourning Ygritte hugely, and Melisandre, you can feel a heartbeart without undressing. Learn to take a goddamn pulse, girl. All in the wrists, HEYYYOOO. And I didn't even LIKE Ygritte's catchphrase but can u not forever plz
Literally the only thing I can say I liked in this whole episode was the scene with Stannis and Shireen. Shireen is still wonderful, and the scene with Stannis made up for his garbage one with Melisandre tenfold. This is the stuff I want to see. I also felt like it was consistent with his character to not say something like "of course I love you, you're my daughter" but instead to say something like "I was not going to let you die because you are my heir" which is a very Stannis-y thing to say. Idk guys, I'm trying to find light in the darkness and right now it's basically only Shireen. Additionally, I have started to see everything in this show in terms of Arrested Westeros, which is not a bad thing, so of course I immediately thought "Why are you squeezing me with your body" and so did my beloved Scuzzo, who texted me this quote at the same time.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
This is garbage. This could have been the coolest thing this season because they cut the Greyjoys but no, we have decided to turn this into a Puritan witchhunt with shitty head tattoos and dramatic Westerosi opera music because fuck subtlety??? No no it's cool everyone knows Loras is gay??? Also King Tommen "Michael Cera" Baratheon, the First of His George Michael Bluth-y Name, King of the Andals and the Banana Stand is trying to talk and it's adorable but killing me. I am however slightly enjoying this "I just learned about sex and it is now my sole motivation" because as far as teenage boy accuracy goes, yeah, spot on.
This plot line is not totally off in the show, but whereas the plotline in the book is a subtle embroidery of good politicking, bad politicking, betrayal, surprises, and religion, the show version is Mahler 6's hammer with a Wagner doing the soundtrack. UGGGGGHHHH
Don't you touch Sansa
Clumsy poorly-lit plot exposition oh heyyyyy. Not even gonna touch the "Stannis will save you don't you worry your pretty little head about The Worst Person in the World you're about to marry okay byyyyyye" thing that he does because ughhhhh.
Guys, if you're watching the show, and haven't read the books, genuine question: do you know or care who Lyanna Stark was? I'd discuss this more but I don't want to get spoiler-y (even if it is just theories at this point). I personally am fascinated by this back story, but it is, frankly, not hugely important yet to the plot. It could be, for a whole bunch of reasons, but not yet. But anyway, what's the general opinion for non-book people? I'm annoyed at the way they handled this because OF COURSE I AM I'M ALWAYS MAD because guys, like, on the list of ways I'd like information delivered to me, "in a crypt by Littlefinger who then touches Sansa" is at the bottom, after "by a bullhorn directly in my ear" and "by Daario" FUCK DAARIO MAN
The second worst thing on this show after Daario
Jaime and Bronn screw this entire goddamn plotline forever and this stupid show too. I hate everything. You KNOW a twist is bad when Bronn, fucking BRONN, has to be like "hey, uh, you can't really fight and you're like mega-recognizable what is the point of this diversion from canon." The writers decided Jaime just repeatedly saying "it had to be me" was satisfactory. You can't just throw words at an enormous, gaping plothole and throw in some garbage about hunting your brother and the plot hole is now *~*magically*~* filled. And calm the fuck down, When Harry Met Sally, it did not have to be you. It could have been literally anybody else and this would have made more sense. Garbage. Literal garbage. That snake getting cooked was the best part of this entire sequence, and immediately after that was Bronn's decent "why the fucking fuck are you here." I didn't hate Bronn for like one hot second, and then he got the line "all the Dornish like to do is fuck and fight, fight and fuck." THIS MAKES THEM DIFFERENT FROM YOU HOOOOOW, SIR. YOU ARE THE SAME. TEN YEARS AGO, YOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH JAIME'S GOLD HAND AND HONESTLY PROBABLY HAVE BY NOW ANYWAY JUST FOR KICKS. STOP BEING RACIST AND WASH YOUR HAIR.
Racism but this time with women!
Additionally, we get our first look at the Sand Snakes, who inexplicably all look the same despite their mothers being completely different human beings plus Nym goes up to Ellaria who is, at best, a decade older than her like "MUM"
CAN WE NOT. Guys, the oldest Sand Snakes are not related to Ellaria, they are not her daughters. They are also not effectively gross racist clones of each other because every brown person gets styled the same???? After seeing the curved swords they gave to the Dornish men who got killed by Jaime and Bronn because ooohhhh dark people can't have straight swords, I am not even a little bit excited to see the portrayal of the Sand Snakes. If you can't make actually different characters into actually different characters I am not even a little bit interested. Plus, you cut Arianne, and it's looking more and more like you did so because you don't think we're smart enough to keep all these women straight. Ladies be shoppin' or something???? Also Obara's story about choosing the spear is pretty freaking cool but ONLY IF WE'RE INTRODUCED TO HER AS A PERSON FIRST. The script for this scene read like a bad romance novel where the dude is *!*~* super dreeeeammy*!*~* but inexplicably decides to tell you his entire life back story when you meet. The other characters in the scene know this about her already, and the viewers don't care. We've gone from Michelle Fairley's absolutely heartbreaking Season 3 Episode 9 script to this garbage. I've read better fanfiction, and I'm UN-NOYED.
If you were wondering if I could get angrier JUST YOU WAIT
HAAAAAATEEEEEE
The last scene of this show made the least sense and I know it's just a show, I know, but HBO is touching things I love and ruining them and making money off of a lack of character consistency and killing off characters with important plot roles because they are not mainstream sexy?? or something?? and because we like to see things die for no reason???
Barristan Selmy, while a grandpa, is in fact undefeated in battle.
The Unsullied are raised from birth to no longer feel pain and be utterly superior to everyone else at battle.
The Sons of the Harpy are either 1. rich kids dressed in the Meereenese equivalent of Sperrys and polo shirts or 2. sellswords working for the rich kids and are assassins. Like, secret. In secret. Not daylight. In darkness.
If this show, if this fucking show, killed off Barristan (and it's looking like they really might have) to make narrative room for Daario I WILL BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND. EVERYTHING. DO YOU HEAR ME, HBO??? DO YOU HEAR ME. EVERYTHING. DOWN TO THE REN FAIRE WHERE YOU WROTE DAARIO'S CHARACTER AND FOUND HIS STYLIST.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 3: High Sparrow
Guyssssss I'm struggling to write these because things are getting less funny and more horribly wrong
Halp
Arya and The House of Black and White
Okay, so I do not HATE what they're doing with Arya. Many of the scenes they're showing are not from the books, but they are really pretty cool. I'll even ignore the fact that the entire lighting department took a week off when they were shooting her scenes and they had to emergency-hire some fireflies (seriously, The Faceless Men? more like The Squinting Men amirite), but unf, I like it. The Waif is creepy as heck, and Jaqennnn I do not care even a little bit that you're decidedly not supposed to be here, Valar Morhaeris (All Men Must Have Your Excellent Hair). Maisie absolutely killed it in her scene with Needle: I didn't cry because I did all my Needle crying in the books, but UNF. The book line lists a whole bunch of things that Needle represents to Arya, up to and including Jon Snow's smile so no really it's okay I'll just go over here and soak in my own tears. Anyway. Freakin' show, man, but at least they're getting this right.
Speaking of things they're getting right
The Wall
JON MOTHEREFFING SNOW. Hair so thick everybody in the room uncomfortable. In the books, Janos Slynt is much more difficult for much longer, and it makes complete sense as to why Jon would have to execute him. However, the actual scene was pretty great, up to and including Slynt's begging for mercy and the moment of tension. I knew what was going to happen, and I was still like "oh wait maybe he won't" which is just good television, y'all. However
Speaking of things they're getting wrong? Stannis. Bleh. Stannis mocking someone for being too honorable is like a pot with a stick up its ass calling the kettle uptight. We apparently do not care about character consistency here, and Davos' presence is kind of screwing that up for me as well. While I appreciated his pep talk, I miss his chapters from ADWD, since they were pretty freaking cool, and him being at the Wall is messing with my perception of Stannis, so I feel you, boo, but go find some Manderlys (they didn't cast them I get it I get it I just want it the way I want it okay)
King's Landing
I'd like to think I'm a mature human being. I'd like to think I'm even more than that: so highbrow my eyes disappear into my hairline and I float above the masses like mist. I'd like to think I'm an adult. But hand to God when Tommen Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men said "it was over so quickly!" to Margaery on their wedding night I may have died laughing because I DARE you to write any other line for teenage boy (heck, any person ever) having sex with Natalie Dormer for the first time. And honestly? It was a very sweet scene. I think it did an excellent job of showing how Tommen is genuinely a good kid, even if he is a bit stupid. It is messing with the plot a bit to have him older (he's 8 in the novels and certainly not about to produce any heirs), mostly because if he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to show up for goddamn Small Council meetings. Plus if Ser Pounce isn't around you don't even have a good excuse to not be there. "I was hanging with my super cool cat" doesn't fly anymore. THE POUNCE WAS GIVETH, AND THE POUNCE WAS TAKETH AWAY.
Yayyyy, unnecessary nudity wooo but the "it's always the Maiden" was a good line (the women are dressed up like the Seven, and instead of picking, say, the Crone, Mr. Septon here is going for the obvious choice like the naked old punk he is).
If you're sitting there like "whyyyy does the High Sparrow look so familiar?" it is because he was Governor Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean and stop pretending you were too cool to like those movies we all liked those movies plus dude had a sick wig.
This has the potential to be ridiculously amazing, since we've got a pretty cool dude as High Sparrow, and the show does seem dedicated to having this plot actually happen, but I am nervous, guys. More nervous because Qyburn exists. I knew that stupid thing was gonna jump and I STILL JUMPED. I am ashamed. I am just a little bit mad because we have decided to reduce the fighting to Real Housewives of King's Landing level (like who were Margaery's little groupies Do Not Understand) and turn this into a "women be backstabbin'" joke. Margaery's comment of "what is your new title?" is even dumb, because yo you already got married to her other kid and her husband is dead so like...you're queen NOW after you and Tommen had the quickest sex ever known to man? Nope. Cersei was Dowager Queen at least an entire season ago? Idk. Also "hahaha Cersei has a drinking problem" is a straight up reality show line and I thought someone was gonna flip a table and I'm not here for that, guys.
Tyrion
Driving me up a wall. The character and how he's being written and the implication that I still care about his moral center. Just So Done. Him flicking open the window again and again is like the medieval equivalent of some douchebag white kid whose dad is a billionaire complaining that the champagne served to him on his flight to Marseilles wasn't Dom, and they wouldn't let him open the windows on the plane not even for a second. Shut the fuck up, Declan. No one cares about you and your first world traveling problems. Tyrion is pulling the time-honored tradition of "I am rich so the rules don't apply to me" by murdering two people, getting away with it, and then instead of being grateful that he's alive, complaining about his accommodations. I don't even like Varys very much, and I still would 100% support him in his choice to totally just stab Tyrion. My favorite part was Tyrion going "I'm one drunk dwarf halfway across the world, what could happen?" Oh, I don't know, Brightest Witch of Her Age, maybe you get killed because they're killing every dwarf, or WAIT someone recognizes you and idk maybe kidnaps you or something uggghhh you're SO DUMB and I just want to tell you that some people have war in their countries. (someone please get this ANTM reference please please please)
The most ridiculous was our "oh no I am A Good Person I can't get it up for this prostitute" moment. YOU KILLED YOUR LAST WHORE. YOU KILLED HER. I do not care/it is irrelevant for your level of goodness that oh no you couldn't POSSIBLY pay this girl for sex because ****feeeeelings***. Screw this show. I am also absolutely convinced that one of his chapters in book 5 discusses the sex he's had since Shae but can someone confirm? I spent like 40 minutes trying to find it and gave up because reading Tyrion's chapters is making my head hurt.
Sansa and Brienne and the Boltons
Brienne's monologue was actually pretty great, the whole "he kept me from being a joke" MY HEARTTTT. Also precious Podrick is too good for this world and while I'm not so psyched with the weird plot changes, you know what? Go ahead and rescue Sansa because OH MY GOD NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
Put that thing back where it came from, or SO HELP ME
I called it I called it I called it I hate everything. This entire plotline makes NO SENSE. Why do this? Why give her to Ramsay? And I'm asking this both plot-wise and "you have a goddamn responsibility to not be repulsive, yes, you, yes, even when you're making a TV show"-wise. Benioff and Weiss have said that this plot gives Sansa "something meaty to work with" because Sophie is such an amazing actress, and while she's a great actress, I am so. fucking. done. with "meaty parts" for great female actresses to be beginning and end list "at risk of or actually going to be raped." STOP IT. YOU'RE AWFUL. You're basically implying that rape makes female characters more interesting.
Also, plot-wise, this is equally horrific. Baelish saying to Ramsay that he's a mystery and he hasn't heard much about him is like...what. You know everything about everyone and he's literally the worst person in this whole book series not a joke and you're GIVING HIM SANSA. You KNOW, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE. Roose then calls Baelish important or something which like, no, the whole point of him having to be tricksy is because he's from a nothing house, and to be like "you have the Vale" NO HE DOESN'T. Even for people who haven't read the books: are you surprised when I say that in the actual books, the Arryn bannermen are mostly pretty pissed off that Petyr Baelish is in charge? Oh, you're NOT? Oh hey look at that marrying a lady and then her mysteriously dying a couple days later does not make you trustworthy. None of this makes any sense, and the writers are doing it so we can force a "meaty" plot point of Sansa getting horribly mistreated. I hate this. I HATE this. My reaction to like 8 whole minutes of this episode could be summed up by a gif of Sophie Turner's "nope" head shake when Littlefinger tells her she's going to marry Ramsay.
UGHHHH GUYS THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME SO MAD AND I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT...WELL, EVERYTHING
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 2: The House of Black and White
Better but still bleh
In case you're just starting out with us here at All My Feelings, All The Time, I love Sansa and hate Daario.
Cersei
In Case You Missed It, Kevan Lannister, Tywin's younger brother, popped up for a quick scene to get mad at Cersei for telling the entire Small Council that sorry, Tommen can't come hang right now, he's playing XBox or whatever she actually said. No one I was watching with knew who Kevan was, and I reeeeeally think the show needed to be like "this is who this person is" because guys, come on, he hasn't been on the show in years. Idk what's happening here yet, y'all, but Sunday's ep is the High Sparrow so let's do this.
Brienne and Sansa
They don't hang out in the books, y'all. And Petyr is gross and this scene was gross and bleh.
Not a fan of Sansa's "I saw you at the wedding" line because like...what. Brienne's line "neither of us wanted to be there" line is totally accurate but Sansa KNOWS this and like, what is the point. If they were trying to make it clear that she's being sneaky and is actually not hating on Brienne, they did a crappy job. Kinda wish Brienne had just been like "I'm sorry, my lady, but I wasn't at Joffrey's wedding in the books, so idk take it up with Benioff and Weiss. Can we just go now? This scene is dumb." Just break the fourth wall that way. Then Gwendoline and Sophie can skip away happily together while flipping off the camera.
Also digs in that Lady Stoneheart is nowhere so yayyyy ugh screw this season guys I am Grumpy McGrumperson I'm sorry
Dorne
What do you call Emilio Estevez when he watches the first scene in Dorne? Emilio Unimpresstevez. (h/t Scuzzo)
I hated this so. much. SO much, guys. This entire scene basically felt like a bad Spanish soap opera up to and including the music. You have Alexander Siddig as Doran, with SO MUCH potential here, and we did nothing with the entire scene, which was the FIRST TIME they're showing Dorne. They are also ruining Ellaria's character because they refused to cast Arianne.
The refusal to cast Arianne Martell was one of the main reasons I was already disappointed in this season before it began. Arianne is Doran's daughter, who is strongly opinionated, ruthless, charismatic, and the goddamn HEIR to Doran. Dorne is so important because they practice primogeniture: the firstborn, male or female, inherits. She is a POV character later on, and her specific planning is crazy important for all of Westeros, and they just CUT her out. They are most likely going to give some of her plot to Ellaria, which makes no sense, as they are entirely different women (sidebar: Ellaria would NEVER hurt a child, ever, so her claim to want to cut Myrcella up makes no sense). They are going to give some of her plot to the Sand Snakes, who are Oberyn's daughters, several of them by Ellaria (which is why her saying "the Sand Snakes are with me" makes zero sense because you don't say that, some of them are your daughters who are still babies and just wut). And they are going to cut some of her plot out, because of this next section, and I'm pissed.
Jaime goes to Dorne
Just for the record, Jaime does not go to Dorne in the books. He is pretty much sent to the North to clean up the whole "shit, Robb Stark is dead, what do we do now" mess. Edmure Tully is still very alive, as is the Blackfish, who is still holding out under a siege. I really enjoy Jaime's chapters when he's doing this, because we get to see him politicking for pretty much the first time: he's still trying to learn how to fight with only one arm, so this is basically all he can do. It's also an important part of his redemption arc, since it demonstrates that he can still be pretty ruthless: he threatens to throw Edmure's soon to be born child over a castle's wall if he doesn't comply.
What the fuck was this Bronn scene, for reals. Is this amateur hour? Just to recap: Bronn was given his betrothed, Lollys, by Cersei in exchange for not engaging in the trial by combat on Tyrion's behalf. In the books, Lollys is pregnant from rape, and is developmentally disabled. While those things are not true in the show, she is still GIVEN to Bronn. When Bronn comes to tell Tyrion "moats before mates" and peaces out never to be heard from again, he tells the reader that while Lollys is not the heir, the heir is her older, barren sister, and she's going to have some kind of accident at some point. Bronn's going to kill her and become Lord Stokeworth and continue to have children with his nonconsenting wife. Bronn is GARBAGE.
Oh, but Bronn in the show is so ****sassyyyy**** I literally do not give a shit about Jaime and Bronn's excellent adventures. He is Daario 2.0, a more weathered but equally treacherous above average warrior, who has risen to importance only because important characters and the fandom can't get enough of Liam Neeson/Captain Jack Sparrow-esque quips coming out of men's mouths.
Also, how is this going to work, exactly? Oh noes, we can't send an army to Dorne, that would be a declaration of WAR. Our next best option is clearly three hands on two dudes who encompass the spectrum of Westeros' best and worst-dressed. (*grudgingly admits that Nikolaj looks freaking great in his stupid outfit*)
I am Not Here For an obnoxious Medieval Fun Time Land version of Two and a Half Men.
However, I am decidedly Here For -
The Wall
Shireen teaching Gilly to read? Yes yes and more yes. I absolutely adore Shireen, and the actress playing her is doing an excellent job of being a cute as heck kid who is not annoying. Gilly is a self-deprecating delight, and Shireen's encouraging joke about "I taught stupid old men how to read you got this don't even worry" was A++++. Also I know Selyse is supposed to be kinda creepy but she literally just reminds me of the mom from Hairspray basically not allowing her daughter to play with other kids because of the devil or something.
Jon's Lord Commander election was not terrible, but I didn't love it. In the books, Sam does a huge amount of pretty great negotiating to get Jon elected, and while they do chant his name, it's definitely more evident that the rest of the Night's Watch isn't just like "ho hum we lost guess we should go back to whacking each other with sticks or...what is it we do again? OH YEAH WATCH ON THE WALL", they're more like "I am Not Pleased Mr. Kit, I don't care HOW good your smoulder is, you are an infant and a wildling and you've had sex and your dad was a lord so we are PISSED OFF." It wasn't awful, it just wasn't as subtle as the book was, and I missed that and am therefore a little sad.
Jon's face when Sam stands up was the funniest moment of the episode, just his beautiful little pout suddenly turning into "FFS SAM CAN U NOT" and I loved it.
They are screwing up Stannis pretty badly and not using him to his full potential and bleh. We'll see, but I do not have high hopes, and I really like Stannis, y'all.
Arya
Actually great. Really liked this scene. Really honestly did. Maisie is playing the stone-cold badass especially well considering she has a face like actual sunshine, and I'm legitimately scared of her, which is like being scared of a French bulldog puppy but she MAKES IT WORK. Her "prayer" (the recitation of names of people she wants to kill) overnight in the rain was a particularly good scene, and I don't really have anything to criticize here.
Many bookreaders are pissed that Jaqen is back, specifically that Tom Wlaschiha, the actor, is back, and they do have a point: there is really no reason the House of Black and White would reuse a face to teach her. She refers to this man as The Kindly Man in the books, and he doesn't look like Jaqen. But you know what? Tom is really pretty and it's nice to see a familiar face and screw it, I'm on board. We need more beautiful things in this series and A Man can get it, so A Man can totally stay.
Daenerys
So once again Daario proves that he sucks enormously. Specifically, by giving some ridiculous speech about how "if you've forgotten how to fear, you've forgotten that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's the decision that something is more important than fear" oh no wait that's Mia Thermopolis' dad in a birthday card in The Princess Diaries. My B. Maybe this week Grey Worm will give him a wedgie.
This week's best thing I saw on Twitter was about her plotline. Someone tweeted "this scene is the best example of 'hoe don't do it' I've ever seen in my life" and I couldn't stop laughing. I tweeted "oh hey look white saviors don't always work out so great do they" and I stand by this completely. Dany standing there simply saying "slavery is wrong" louder and louder does not actually fix any problems. This scene grossed me out a little bit because you have the large group of brown people calling her "Mother" and then hissing(?) when she carries out the sentence and it just reminded me a lot of the racist grossness of the Dothraki portrayal in the first season and book. I also am not sure if I just missed it or if it genuinely didn't happen, but "this man shall have a trial" got thrown out the window for Moqorro, I guess? Like, girl, the point of laws is that they apply to everyone. Idk, guys. I get that this is a tough plotline but can we be a liiiiittle less racist please and thanks.
Do you guys think Rhaegal and Viserion are just working their hardest to perfect "Roman's Revenge" while trapped in there because they literally are dungeon dragons right now? Sorry not sorry. Also pretty sure they just reused some Smaug animation for Drogon and he's been off burning Lake-town and just came back to say hi. Drogon's voice will be provided by Benedict Cumberbatch, who also did motion capture. (Drogon does not talk...FOR NOW)
In case you're just starting out with us here at All My Feelings, All The Time, I love Sansa and hate Daario.
Cersei
In Case You Missed It, Kevan Lannister, Tywin's younger brother, popped up for a quick scene to get mad at Cersei for telling the entire Small Council that sorry, Tommen can't come hang right now, he's playing XBox or whatever she actually said. No one I was watching with knew who Kevan was, and I reeeeeally think the show needed to be like "this is who this person is" because guys, come on, he hasn't been on the show in years. Idk what's happening here yet, y'all, but Sunday's ep is the High Sparrow so let's do this.
Brienne and Sansa
They don't hang out in the books, y'all. And Petyr is gross and this scene was gross and bleh.
Not a fan of Sansa's "I saw you at the wedding" line because like...what. Brienne's line "neither of us wanted to be there" line is totally accurate but Sansa KNOWS this and like, what is the point. If they were trying to make it clear that she's being sneaky and is actually not hating on Brienne, they did a crappy job. Kinda wish Brienne had just been like "I'm sorry, my lady, but I wasn't at Joffrey's wedding in the books, so idk take it up with Benioff and Weiss. Can we just go now? This scene is dumb." Just break the fourth wall that way. Then Gwendoline and Sophie can skip away happily together while flipping off the camera.
Also digs in that Lady Stoneheart is nowhere so yayyyy ugh screw this season guys I am Grumpy McGrumperson I'm sorry
Dorne
What do you call Emilio Estevez when he watches the first scene in Dorne? Emilio Unimpresstevez. (h/t Scuzzo)
I hated this so. much. SO much, guys. This entire scene basically felt like a bad Spanish soap opera up to and including the music. You have Alexander Siddig as Doran, with SO MUCH potential here, and we did nothing with the entire scene, which was the FIRST TIME they're showing Dorne. They are also ruining Ellaria's character because they refused to cast Arianne.
The refusal to cast Arianne Martell was one of the main reasons I was already disappointed in this season before it began. Arianne is Doran's daughter, who is strongly opinionated, ruthless, charismatic, and the goddamn HEIR to Doran. Dorne is so important because they practice primogeniture: the firstborn, male or female, inherits. She is a POV character later on, and her specific planning is crazy important for all of Westeros, and they just CUT her out. They are most likely going to give some of her plot to Ellaria, which makes no sense, as they are entirely different women (sidebar: Ellaria would NEVER hurt a child, ever, so her claim to want to cut Myrcella up makes no sense). They are going to give some of her plot to the Sand Snakes, who are Oberyn's daughters, several of them by Ellaria (which is why her saying "the Sand Snakes are with me" makes zero sense because you don't say that, some of them are your daughters who are still babies and just wut). And they are going to cut some of her plot out, because of this next section, and I'm pissed.
Jaime goes to Dorne
Just for the record, Jaime does not go to Dorne in the books. He is pretty much sent to the North to clean up the whole "shit, Robb Stark is dead, what do we do now" mess. Edmure Tully is still very alive, as is the Blackfish, who is still holding out under a siege. I really enjoy Jaime's chapters when he's doing this, because we get to see him politicking for pretty much the first time: he's still trying to learn how to fight with only one arm, so this is basically all he can do. It's also an important part of his redemption arc, since it demonstrates that he can still be pretty ruthless: he threatens to throw Edmure's soon to be born child over a castle's wall if he doesn't comply.
What the fuck was this Bronn scene, for reals. Is this amateur hour? Just to recap: Bronn was given his betrothed, Lollys, by Cersei in exchange for not engaging in the trial by combat on Tyrion's behalf. In the books, Lollys is pregnant from rape, and is developmentally disabled. While those things are not true in the show, she is still GIVEN to Bronn. When Bronn comes to tell Tyrion "moats before mates" and peaces out never to be heard from again, he tells the reader that while Lollys is not the heir, the heir is her older, barren sister, and she's going to have some kind of accident at some point. Bronn's going to kill her and become Lord Stokeworth and continue to have children with his nonconsenting wife. Bronn is GARBAGE.
Oh, but Bronn in the show is so ****sassyyyy**** I literally do not give a shit about Jaime and Bronn's excellent adventures. He is Daario 2.0, a more weathered but equally treacherous above average warrior, who has risen to importance only because important characters and the fandom can't get enough of Liam Neeson/Captain Jack Sparrow-esque quips coming out of men's mouths.
Also, how is this going to work, exactly? Oh noes, we can't send an army to Dorne, that would be a declaration of WAR. Our next best option is clearly three hands on two dudes who encompass the spectrum of Westeros' best and worst-dressed. (*grudgingly admits that Nikolaj looks freaking great in his stupid outfit*)
I am Not Here For an obnoxious Medieval Fun Time Land version of Two and a Half Men.
However, I am decidedly Here For -
The Wall
Shireen teaching Gilly to read? Yes yes and more yes. I absolutely adore Shireen, and the actress playing her is doing an excellent job of being a cute as heck kid who is not annoying. Gilly is a self-deprecating delight, and Shireen's encouraging joke about "I taught stupid old men how to read you got this don't even worry" was A++++. Also I know Selyse is supposed to be kinda creepy but she literally just reminds me of the mom from Hairspray basically not allowing her daughter to play with other kids because of the devil or something.
Jon's Lord Commander election was not terrible, but I didn't love it. In the books, Sam does a huge amount of pretty great negotiating to get Jon elected, and while they do chant his name, it's definitely more evident that the rest of the Night's Watch isn't just like "ho hum we lost guess we should go back to whacking each other with sticks or...what is it we do again? OH YEAH WATCH ON THE WALL", they're more like "I am Not Pleased Mr. Kit, I don't care HOW good your smoulder is, you are an infant and a wildling and you've had sex and your dad was a lord so we are PISSED OFF." It wasn't awful, it just wasn't as subtle as the book was, and I missed that and am therefore a little sad.
Jon's face when Sam stands up was the funniest moment of the episode, just his beautiful little pout suddenly turning into "FFS SAM CAN U NOT" and I loved it.
They are screwing up Stannis pretty badly and not using him to his full potential and bleh. We'll see, but I do not have high hopes, and I really like Stannis, y'all.
Arya
Actually great. Really liked this scene. Really honestly did. Maisie is playing the stone-cold badass especially well considering she has a face like actual sunshine, and I'm legitimately scared of her, which is like being scared of a French bulldog puppy but she MAKES IT WORK. Her "prayer" (the recitation of names of people she wants to kill) overnight in the rain was a particularly good scene, and I don't really have anything to criticize here.
Many bookreaders are pissed that Jaqen is back, specifically that Tom Wlaschiha, the actor, is back, and they do have a point: there is really no reason the House of Black and White would reuse a face to teach her. She refers to this man as The Kindly Man in the books, and he doesn't look like Jaqen. But you know what? Tom is really pretty and it's nice to see a familiar face and screw it, I'm on board. We need more beautiful things in this series and A Man can get it, so A Man can totally stay.
Daenerys
So once again Daario proves that he sucks enormously. Specifically, by giving some ridiculous speech about how "if you've forgotten how to fear, you've forgotten that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's the decision that something is more important than fear" oh no wait that's Mia Thermopolis' dad in a birthday card in The Princess Diaries. My B. Maybe this week Grey Worm will give him a wedgie.
This week's best thing I saw on Twitter was about her plotline. Someone tweeted "this scene is the best example of 'hoe don't do it' I've ever seen in my life" and I couldn't stop laughing. I tweeted "oh hey look white saviors don't always work out so great do they" and I stand by this completely. Dany standing there simply saying "slavery is wrong" louder and louder does not actually fix any problems. This scene grossed me out a little bit because you have the large group of brown people calling her "Mother" and then hissing(?) when she carries out the sentence and it just reminded me a lot of the racist grossness of the Dothraki portrayal in the first season and book. I also am not sure if I just missed it or if it genuinely didn't happen, but "this man shall have a trial" got thrown out the window for Moqorro, I guess? Like, girl, the point of laws is that they apply to everyone. Idk, guys. I get that this is a tough plotline but can we be a liiiiittle less racist please and thanks.
Do you guys think Rhaegal and Viserion are just working their hardest to perfect "Roman's Revenge" while trapped in there because they literally are dungeon dragons right now? Sorry not sorry. Also pretty sure they just reused some Smaug animation for Drogon and he's been off burning Lake-town and just came back to say hi. Drogon's voice will be provided by Benedict Cumberbatch, who also did motion capture. (Drogon does not talk...FOR NOW)
Friday, April 17, 2015
Game of Thrones Season 5, Episode 1: The Wars to Come
Hey you guyyyyyyys
So on a scale of "the first season of Game of Thrones" to "the fifth season of Game of Thrones" how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN
I'M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN
I hope you missed me being angry because I'm angry already WOOOOO. I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season. In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.
I also have this new theory that Foreigner's "Head Games" is running through Petyr Baelish's head at all times. My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing "puttin' the bae in Baelish" and he's foul but I'm not mad even a little because that's great.
Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I'ma miss you, Dancer. So much. Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we'll get more Dasher Dancer and I'll be happy?
Cersei/King's Landing
So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene. The transition to Tywin's funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime's scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they're scaling it back.
Also Cersei lookin' better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.
I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that. I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they're going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei's plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you. Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.
Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven. They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.
While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude. I do not care about Olyvar, which I'm assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y's in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody). One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact. The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly's death, and I actually appreciated Martin's writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions. Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character. Therefore, this "back off, Margaery/Mom, I'll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade" is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I'm a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.
Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King's Landing, "your birthmark looks like Dorne" ARE WE JOKING. IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography. To be fair, Martin's introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than "shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS. EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS."
Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone
Brienne
Was...she...drunk? Like... does not compute. Also don't yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he's very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I'M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that's nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I'm choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it's because she's an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it's totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM
Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND
Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames
See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you're on board, aren't you? Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone? She's gorgeous and you're a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.
And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn? Like I get he's a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can't swing a sword very well is just super gross. I'm not saying he's a good person, but he is a
Tyrion
Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard
Also Illyrio "We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him" Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he's not even there. Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP
Guys, I hated Tyrion's scenes here. I just... ugh. I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point. Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me. Tossing in a little "yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol" is gross and unacceptable, because he's completely right, and it's not funny. Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.
Varys is also starting to bug me. First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Second...of...all, he's now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them? Huh? Bro, you don't do anything that doesn't benefit you in some way, so stop playing that "it's for the good of the kiiiingdom" crap. You also don't just do what Jaime Lannister says. The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can't fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is "would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?" because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.
Just....ugh. Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I'm just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh. Do better, show.
Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I'm not a staute-taker-downer
This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I'm really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene. Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don't have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.
Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER. This is literally the third couple I've given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about...most things, probably.
Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it's not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I'm sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it
Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario. Really, go ahead. Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him. Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she's ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair. She does not go "hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I'm Doing." The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people's lives are at stake. Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.
"oh noes I can't control my dragons"
"so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be...hm this is a tough one"
"ah, I've got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian"
"yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords"
"oh shit they're huge this was a mistake"
The Wall
I think I'm just going to preemptively give Kit "For Excellence in Hair" award for Season 5 because it's still beautiful and I missed it so much. And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it's "are you a virgin?" Why would it not be "what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON."
And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I'll say it and judge me all you want but he's doing really good work here. Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran "My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel" Hinds in a scene where he's debating his own death and then dying that death like...get it, boy. I'm impressed.
I'm rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis' deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but "The Night's Watch takes no part" seemed to be a good sign. Jon Snow's plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just...please don't take this from me, show. I have a lot of feelings.
SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOOOOOKS
We're all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn't dead, right? Or at least, I thought? But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what's going on here guys gah
How are they going to play Tyrion's story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.
What are we going to do with Brienne's storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee
So here's the most horrific theory I've heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole's storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I'm going to burn everything to the ground. I hate this so much I can't even articulate it properly, and I think I'm this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.
So on a scale of "the first season of Game of Thrones" to "the fifth season of Game of Thrones" how loyal is your adaptation to the source material OOOOH BURN
I'M TOO HOT
HOT DAMN
MAKE A DROGON WANNA RETIRE MAN
I hope you missed me being angry because I'm angry already WOOOOO. I am overall disappointed with this first episode, both because I thought it was a pretty weak episode overall and because it does not bode well for the rest of the season. In case you were wondering I still hate Daario, and Sansa is still my queen.
I also have this new theory that Foreigner's "Head Games" is running through Petyr Baelish's head at all times. My favorite thing I saw on Twitter this week was someone who has a Littlefinger crush writing "puttin' the bae in Baelish" and he's foul but I'm not mad even a little because that's great.
Also LOLOL Charles Dance getting like third-top billing when all he did was BE DEAD and still out acting errybody else in the sept ughhh I'ma miss you, Dancer. So much. Maybe with the Cersei flashbacks we'll get more Dasher Dancer and I'll be happy?
Cersei/King's Landing
So it took me a second to figure out that the first scene was Baby Cersei mostly because Maggy the Frog (the witch lady who tells Cersei her future) is supposed to be like a thousand years old, and not supposed to be The Hottest Thing in Hermit Chic and What Contouring Can Do For Your Unwashed Face, but I figured it out, and other than that weird aspect I really did like the scene. The transition to Tywin's funeral worked really well, and while I would have liked a little bit more emotion out of Cersei and Jaime's scene in the sept, these few minutes at the beginning were some of the strongest. Considering their last interaction around a dead family member, maybe they're scaling it back.
Also Cersei lookin' better at a funeral than I look on my best days tbh God her dress is everything.
I did not believe that Lancel Lannister was played by the same actor, like legit did not buy it, but he apparently is and they burned his wig so praise the Seven for that. I think I understand what they are doing with his character (I believe he is going to be a stand-in for several characters), and while the way they're going about it is a bit heavy-handed and sudden, Cersei's plotline has the potential to be amazing this season and I would kindly appreciate not screwing it up please and thank you. Her Eye is on the High Sparrow.
Tommen and Loras should run away together because they are a match made in doofus heaven. They can bring Ser Pounce WHERE IS SER POUNCE.
While I do appreciate that the amount of dude butt in this opener was greater than the amount of lady butt, I am Not Here For the new Loras dude. I do not care about Olyvar, which I'm assuming is spelled that way because the only thing that likes unnecessary y's in things more than GRRM is white suburban mothers naming their children (hat tip to Cody). One of the things that actually endeared me to Loras in the series is how much he loved Renly, and how much he really had to hide that fact. The dude is a freaking MESS after Renly's death, and I actually appreciated Martin's writing a lot for both Loras and Brienne in their reactions. Both people were in love with a very charismatic man, and for very different reasons, and that love manifested itself differently, and then he was murdered, and both of them really cannot talk to anyone about it, but only Brienne is a POV character. Therefore, this "back off, Margaery/Mom, I'll screw who I want in this one man gay pride parade" is a pretty big mischaracterization, and I'm a little grossed out by their insistence on showing just how much sex one of the few living gay characters has.
Also, speaking of heavy-handed in King's Landing, "your birthmark looks like Dorne" ARE WE JOKING. IS THIS A JOKE. The entire scene and set of dialogue highlighted three things: Loras needs to stop skipping leg day 2. Jon is sending him hair care products from the Wall 3. HBO has noooo idea how to suddenly drop what is essentially a new country full of brown people into the show other than naked dudes playing mole geography. To be fair, Martin's introduction of Dorne was not the smoothest, either, but it did at least feel like he did it on purpose, rather than "shit shit shit we forgot to have our characters talk about an entire kingdom of the Seven Kingdoms shit shit WAIT, I GOT IT, BUTTS. EVERYONE LOVES BUTTS."
Tina Belcher at the helm of Game of Thrones, everyone
Brienne
Was...she...drunk? Like... does not compute. Also don't yell at Podrick my beautiful little prince do not hurt him he's very sensitive
Did not understand even a little bit of a point for this scene.
I'M NOT A KNIGHT
yeah that's nice we know why are you yelling
Although may I point out that my lady of Tarth is not even a little bit injured after fighting The Hound, and I'm choosing to believe that was not an oversight or continuity error, it's because she's an actual goddess of strength.Okay fine it's totally because they forgot but WHATEVER LET ME DREAM
Sansa
Baelish if you fucking touch Sansa I stg I will TURN THIS CAR AROUND
Head gaaaaames
Instead of making love
Head gaaaaames
See, you were skeptical about the Foreigner/Littlefinger crossover, but now you're on board, aren't you? Because get it, he likes to screw WITH people but never actually gets to screw people
For reals, this was something that I was incredibly skeptical of in the books: like does anyone actually buy that someone had enough sex with Petyr Baelish to make Sansa/Alayne Stone? She's gorgeous and you're a potato covered in dirt with a moustache.
And may I just say something in defense of Robin Arryn? Like I get he's a spoiled little monster but he is disabled, and letting the show watchers basically laugh at him because he can't swing a sword very well is just super gross. I'm not saying he's a good person, but he is a
Tyrion
Okay exactly HOW long were you in that crate for, Peter Dinklage, because that is a sweet but unrealistic beard
Also Illyrio "We Were Too Lazy to Even Try to Recast Him" Mopatis is like, surprisingly chill about bringing kinslayers into his house when he's not even there. Guys, my parents/weird benefactors are away for the weekend WINE PARTY AT MY PLACE WHAZZZZUUUUP
Guys, I hated Tyrion's scenes here. I just... ugh. I had a hard time reading his chapters in book 5, even though I was fascinated, because he is garbage at this point. Shooting your dad in the bathroom is not so good, but strangling Shae makes him nearly nonredeemable to me. Tossing in a little "yeah, they get mad when you kill your Lord Father but not when you kill whores lolol" is gross and unacceptable, because he's completely right, and it's not funny. Tywin gets his huge funeral and anime eyes and Shae will never be heard about.
Varys is also starting to bug me. First of all, the way he talks is 10% The Birdcage and 90% Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Second...of...all, he's now doing things because Jaime Lannister asked him to do them? Huh? Bro, you don't do anything that doesn't benefit you in some way, so stop playing that "it's for the good of the kiiiingdom" crap. You also don't just do what Jaime Lannister says. The guy has one hand and a lot of feelings, and if you can't fight off Buster Bluth Does the Hallmark Channel what good even are you, Varys? Plus you have your trump card which is "would you like to hear the story of how I was cut?" because every time you tell it everyone immediately falls asleep.
Just....ugh. Peter Beardlage you are a delight as always but I'm just kinda done with you and fans defending your actions and bleh. Do better, show.
Daenerys
Okay so I feel like there were safer ways to remove that from the top of the pyramid but idk I'm not a staute-taker-downer
This storyline gave us our first glimpse of unnecessary nudity, and I'm really frustrated with it because I think it distracted from what could have been a really, really excellent scene. Give our poor Unsullied another few minutes with this woman and a bit more backstory of the Sons of the Harpy and it could have been really great: the show has an opportunity that the books actually don't have to show the stories of the small players (or even the non-players, as much as there is such a thing in this world), and they wasted it on nameless naked women.
Speaking of small players GREY WORM AND MISSANDEI FOREVER. This is literally the third couple I've given any kind of damn about in this whole show (Catelyn and Ned; Oberyn and Ellaria), and I care more about them than I do about...most things, probably.
Missandei, can you please talk to your girl Daenerys about the appropriate time to flirt with your slampiece and how it's not when negotiating for the lives of your people please and thank you? Oooohhh he has a curved SWORD how SEXY I'm sorry what were you saying about people fighting to the death for money and entertainment I SAID NO but wait MAYBE NOT because Daario liked it
Game of Thrones, try your absolute hardest to make me give a shit about Daario. Really, go ahead. Give his ass a ten-second wide-angle shot and make him smoulder for another twenty seconds and then let him perform the goddamn marriage of Grey Worm and Missandei and I will still not give a shit about him. Yes, Dany in the books has a relationship with him, but she does not drop everything she's ever learned to start taking advice from Assistant to Rohirrim Extra #3 because he has a nice ass and decent hair. She does not go "hm Jorah also wanted to bang me, and everything worked out well there, so I should for sure listen to Guy Who is the Red and Yellow Knight at Medieval Times on Tuesdays/Thursdays and Might Get to Move Up to Saturdays, Soon, They Really Seem to Like the Work I'm Doing." The whole point of her mess of a storyline is that this is hard, this involves difficult decisions, and people's lives are at stake. Take all the seats, Daario, I do not and will not care.
"oh noes I can't control my dragons"
"so my best bet for personal safety while visiting them would be...hm this is a tough one"
"ah, I've got it, going down in complete darkness and calling their names but not speaking Valyrian"
"yessss safety is our Number One Priority here at I Get My Advice From Mediocre At Best Sellswords"
"oh shit they're huge this was a mistake"
The Wall
I think I'm just going to preemptively give Kit "For Excellence in Hair" award for Season 5 because it's still beautiful and I missed it so much. And can we talk about how Melisandre has time for one question in that elevator of death (deathavator?) and it's "are you a virgin?" Why would it not be "what is your haircare routine because DAMN, SON."
And okay, this is not just his hair, but I have a pretty strong Kit Harington crush and I'll say it and judge me all you want but he's doing really good work here. Like a scene where you can hold your own against Ciaran "My Face Is Carved From the Finest Granite and My Will is As Like Steel" Hinds in a scene where he's debating his own death and then dying that death like...get it, boy. I'm impressed.
I'm rather nervous about how Jon and Stannis' deal is going to play out this season, because they seem to be skipping some things and changing others, but "The Night's Watch takes no part" seemed to be a good sign. Jon Snow's plot post-Ygritte is some of my favorite writing of the series, and I just...please don't take this from me, show. I have a lot of feelings.
SPOILERY SPOILERS STOP READINGGGGGG IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOOOOOKS
We're all on board that Tormund = Rattleshirt and Mance isn't dead, right? Or at least, I thought? But I read a thing that said they recast the Lord of Bones so idk what's going on here guys gah
How are they going to play Tyrion's story without Young Griff and Jon Connington and gah.
What are we going to do with Brienne's storyline without Lady Stoneheart likeeee
So here's the most horrific theory I've heard so far: Sansa is going to get Jeyne Poole's storyline, meaning the show is going to feed her to Ramsay and I'm going to burn everything to the ground. I hate this so much I can't even articulate it properly, and I think I'm this mad because shitttttt it could definitely happen.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Fifty Shades of maybe don't go see this movie
I needed to write this because it's important, and I also need to write this because Facebook has decided that the Vermont Teddy Bear Company's Christian Grey teddy bear is appropriate advertising for me and I want you all to suffer with me.
In case you care, this post has spoilers for the whole series.
I'm getting this post out before the movie comes out, because I'd like you to seriously reconsider going to see Fifty Shades of Grey. By the end of this post, I hope I'll have given you some very good reasons to not go see it. By "very good reasons," I do not mean "Jaime Dornan is #NotMyChristian." Also, I do not mean that I personally thought the original book was really poorly written (which I do, in fact, think, just for the record. It's so bad. It's so, so bad.) Also, I do not mean that I do not understand the attraction of watching this movie in a large room with a group of people who are also watching this movie and gahhhh uncomfortable just thinking about it ahhhh NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND. But people can watch things I don't like! Even ones about sex! That's totally fine. I've tried watching Friends a bunch of different times, and it just doesn't take. This does not mean that people should not watch this movie.
It's also super not chill that people are tearing this thing apart because "it's mommy porn." Women, even mothers, are allowed to run their own sex lives, including reading romance novels and watching their adaptations. Jenny Trout, an absolutely amazing author and blogger, discusses this in her recaps of every single chapter of all of these books, which you can and should read here. No, don't stay away from this movie because it won't be good; stay away because it's demonstrably bad.
1. The book is plagiarism.
Okay, yes, fanfiction happens, no matter how much we'd like to pretend it didn't. I ended up in an internet wormhole one time and read about 50 pages' worth of One Direction fanfiction. ...There is no justification in this, only shame, and please at least be proud that I stopped, okay? And this is not to beat up on the quality of the book by saying that it's fanfiction: there is a whole host of well-written fanfiction (and in the case of Jane Austen, an entire industry).
However. This series of three books was begun as Master of the Universe, by Snowqueens Icedragon. (I cannot in good faith mock her screenname, because duuuuude I would have been ALL OVER THAT at like 14-15 like are you serious ICEDRAGON??? hell YES) Christian is Edward, Ana is Bella, BDSM is vampirism, etc etc. She and her publishers have repeatedly said that MotU and 50SoG are different works, but if you run 'em through a standard "did this student plagiarize" thingy, it'll pop out with 89% similarity. If you run anything important in the book through a standard "why the hell does this sound so familiar to Twilight" brain comparison, it's probably like 97%. Yes, the author still made up her own "plot" "points" and yes every bit of literature is inspired by other literature and yes it would be really hard to make out a full copyright case but ughhhh do we really want to reward this? And not just reward it, let it sell a book every two seconds, which, in fact, was the rate at which the series was selling at its zenith.
2. The series is hugely judgmental of others' sex lives, particularly those who practice BDSM.
(not The Others' sex lives. I'm assuming they don't have them? Sorry if I'm wrong, White Walkers you get down with your bad selves)
This book is not a how-to about BDSM. It's more of a how-not-to. It is stated over and over in the series that Christian is only into his type of sex ("my tastes are very...singular" ughughugh) because he's broken, and that his sexual preferences are evidence of his damage.
We're told he was abandoned in a horrific way as a kid, and then one of his adoptive mother's friends made him her submissive when he was a teenager. So now this is all he does. He doesn't like anything but his own "kinky fuckery" (this is a legitimate phrase that happens in this series more than once and I'm sorry for making you read it but IF I HAVE TO SUFFER, SO DO YOU.) Ana tries repeatedly to basically love him to wellness, which means no submission, no Red Room of Pain, no other ridiculously mild forms of bondage. Seriously, guys, if anyone is scandalized by the sex in these books, just shut down Frederick's of Hollywood and like, music videos. There is nothing scandalous in here. And that's ME saying this.
There are a billion things wrong with Christian Grey and with Christian and Ana's relationship, but the BDSM aspects are exactly none of them. People who enjoy this type of sex, and literally any other type of consensual sex, are not broken, or damaged, or scandalous. They're just some people who like a thing, and to act like there's something wrong with the way consenting adults choose to have sex (and especially to imply that only screwed up people like BDSM) is unacceptable.
3. Ana, the heroine, is horrible to every other woman.
This is not a person you want to emulate in any way. Remember in the Twilight movies, where everyone was inexplicably nice to Bella even though she seemed like not interested in literally any of their own lives/problems/anything except Edward? Ana is the same way, except somehow worse, and there is no Anna Kendrick to sweep in and be sassy. She ignores or discards every friend she has, up to and including being annoyed by their enthusiasm to talk to her. She describes any questions asked of her by her best friend, Kate, as "the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition." Gurl, this is your friend asking you shit about your life, can u not.
The worse part, though, is her absolute disdain for every other woman who looks at Christian for a second, in particular blondes and women who wear more makeup than she does. She gives them little derisive nicknames in her head, like "Miss European Pigtails," "Miss Flushing Crimson," "Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick," and my personal favorite, "Miss Hotpants," for a hostess at a nightclub who wears them as part of her goddamn uniform. This dude is the epitome of male beauty but if any woman looks at him "for longer than strictly necessary" (an actual Ana original, right there), bitch hold my earrings because you do not look at my man like that.
I get it: I spent portions of my life being angry at women prettier than me, but I don't get how it is still A Thing past the age of like, 16 to be angry at women who wear makeup and look nice and might be attracted to the same person you are. E.L James is (in theory?) a grown-ass woman, her heroine is 22 at the beginning of the book, and both should know better. Ana is absolutely insufferable and horrible to those around her, and it is really freaking hard to dredge up any sympathy for her.
However, I do sympathize with her, because this leads me to the most important one -
4. The hero is abusive.
This is not in any kind of shades of grey. This is black and white, textbook-case, completely clear abuse.
The first big romantic gesture in the book is Christian tracking Ana's phone to discover she's at a bar, and he shows up to the bar, fends off a different guy, Ana passes out, and then he takes Ana with him to his hotel. This is not romantic, this is not sweet, I don't care that he fought off another guy who was trying to attack her, he tracked a woman's phone and took her unconscious body to a second location. And that's just the beginning.
Here's some key points from a list you may recognize.
This is not BDSM, this is not love, this is not admirable. This is abuse, and many, MANY women have come forward to say this; they say their abusers acted like Christian Grey. The fact that he has a fucking helicopter and pretty hair does not make him a Billionaire Bad Boy, they make him a terrible human with a ton of money.
The worst worst part? E.L. James has dismissed survivors who have contacted her to let her know that her book describes an abusive relationship. She has said she does not see what she's written as abuse. This is not negotiable, she is wrong, and she is now also a billionaire of being wrong.
Maybe the movie won't be like this, but then the movie wouldn't be Fifty Shades of Grey, and judging by the trailer, it will be.
"Okay, so what if I want to actually see it now? You can't stop me from doing that, and the movie's going to make money anyway!"
You're completely right! I cannot stop you from going, and this damn thing with its inexplicably good soundtrack??? (Twilight is to Muse what 50SoG is to Beyonce????) is gonna make a gazillion dollars no matter what you do. The two things I've heard so far that I like are
- Buy a ticket to a Better Movie (meaning probably any other movie? Idec go see The Hobbit again) and then sneak in to see this movie so you'll be able to critique it
I don't dislike this option, but it will probably not be the one I choose, because I am so uncomfortably a Good Girl that I cannot do anything Bad without having a gigantic bout of anxiety. Like, I felt bad at law school events taking the Lexis swag because I preferred Westlaw. I'm messed up, I get it.
Option 2!
- Donate whatever the cost of the ticket was and then some to a women's shelter
This one will be my option if I choose to see the movie, and I think it's a really good call.
I am not telling you you cannot see the movie. I'm not telling you you cannot like the book. I'm telling you to be aware that the book unarguably describes an abuser and is problematic as hell, so just be aware and critical of the media you consume.
And don't buy that bear oh my GOD do not buy that bear.
 |
| LOOK AT ITS EYES. LOOK AT ITS FUCKING EYES WHY DOES THIS EXIST |
In case you care, this post has spoilers for the whole series.
I'm getting this post out before the movie comes out, because I'd like you to seriously reconsider going to see Fifty Shades of Grey. By the end of this post, I hope I'll have given you some very good reasons to not go see it. By "very good reasons," I do not mean "Jaime Dornan is #NotMyChristian." Also, I do not mean that I personally thought the original book was really poorly written (which I do, in fact, think, just for the record. It's so bad. It's so, so bad.) Also, I do not mean that I do not understand the attraction of watching this movie in a large room with a group of people who are also watching this movie and gahhhh uncomfortable just thinking about it ahhhh NO I DON'T UNDERSTAND. But people can watch things I don't like! Even ones about sex! That's totally fine. I've tried watching Friends a bunch of different times, and it just doesn't take. This does not mean that people should not watch this movie.
It's also super not chill that people are tearing this thing apart because "it's mommy porn." Women, even mothers, are allowed to run their own sex lives, including reading romance novels and watching their adaptations. Jenny Trout, an absolutely amazing author and blogger, discusses this in her recaps of every single chapter of all of these books, which you can and should read here. No, don't stay away from this movie because it won't be good; stay away because it's demonstrably bad.
1. The book is plagiarism.
Okay, yes, fanfiction happens, no matter how much we'd like to pretend it didn't. I ended up in an internet wormhole one time and read about 50 pages' worth of One Direction fanfiction. ...There is no justification in this, only shame, and please at least be proud that I stopped, okay? And this is not to beat up on the quality of the book by saying that it's fanfiction: there is a whole host of well-written fanfiction (and in the case of Jane Austen, an entire industry).
However. This series of three books was begun as Master of the Universe, by Snowqueens Icedragon. (I cannot in good faith mock her screenname, because duuuuude I would have been ALL OVER THAT at like 14-15 like are you serious ICEDRAGON??? hell YES) Christian is Edward, Ana is Bella, BDSM is vampirism, etc etc. She and her publishers have repeatedly said that MotU and 50SoG are different works, but if you run 'em through a standard "did this student plagiarize" thingy, it'll pop out with 89% similarity. If you run anything important in the book through a standard "why the hell does this sound so familiar to Twilight" brain comparison, it's probably like 97%. Yes, the author still made up her own "plot" "points" and yes every bit of literature is inspired by other literature and yes it would be really hard to make out a full copyright case but ughhhh do we really want to reward this? And not just reward it, let it sell a book every two seconds, which, in fact, was the rate at which the series was selling at its zenith.
2. The series is hugely judgmental of others' sex lives, particularly those who practice BDSM.
(not The Others' sex lives. I'm assuming they don't have them? Sorry if I'm wrong, White Walkers you get down with your bad selves)
This book is not a how-to about BDSM. It's more of a how-not-to. It is stated over and over in the series that Christian is only into his type of sex ("my tastes are very...singular" ughughugh) because he's broken, and that his sexual preferences are evidence of his damage.
 |
| This picture came up when I searched that quote and now I can't stop laughing |
There are a billion things wrong with Christian Grey and with Christian and Ana's relationship, but the BDSM aspects are exactly none of them. People who enjoy this type of sex, and literally any other type of consensual sex, are not broken, or damaged, or scandalous. They're just some people who like a thing, and to act like there's something wrong with the way consenting adults choose to have sex (and especially to imply that only screwed up people like BDSM) is unacceptable.
3. Ana, the heroine, is horrible to every other woman.
This is not a person you want to emulate in any way. Remember in the Twilight movies, where everyone was inexplicably nice to Bella even though she seemed like not interested in literally any of their own lives/problems/anything except Edward? Ana is the same way, except somehow worse, and there is no Anna Kendrick to sweep in and be sassy. She ignores or discards every friend she has, up to and including being annoyed by their enthusiasm to talk to her. She describes any questions asked of her by her best friend, Kate, as "the Katherine Kavanaugh Inquisition." Gurl, this is your friend asking you shit about your life, can u not.
The worse part, though, is her absolute disdain for every other woman who looks at Christian for a second, in particular blondes and women who wear more makeup than she does. She gives them little derisive nicknames in her head, like "Miss European Pigtails," "Miss Flushing Crimson," "Miss Very Short Hair and Red Lipstick," and my personal favorite, "Miss Hotpants," for a hostess at a nightclub who wears them as part of her goddamn uniform. This dude is the epitome of male beauty but if any woman looks at him "for longer than strictly necessary" (an actual Ana original, right there), bitch hold my earrings because you do not look at my man like that.
I get it: I spent portions of my life being angry at women prettier than me, but I don't get how it is still A Thing past the age of like, 16 to be angry at women who wear makeup and look nice and might be attracted to the same person you are. E.L James is (in theory?) a grown-ass woman, her heroine is 22 at the beginning of the book, and both should know better. Ana is absolutely insufferable and horrible to those around her, and it is really freaking hard to dredge up any sympathy for her.
However, I do sympathize with her, because this leads me to the most important one -
4. The hero is abusive.
This is not in any kind of shades of grey. This is black and white, textbook-case, completely clear abuse.
The first big romantic gesture in the book is Christian tracking Ana's phone to discover she's at a bar, and he shows up to the bar, fends off a different guy, Ana passes out, and then he takes Ana with him to his hotel. This is not romantic, this is not sweet, I don't care that he fought off another guy who was trying to attack her, he tracked a woman's phone and took her unconscious body to a second location. And that's just the beginning.
Here's some key points from a list you may recognize.
- You feel uncomfortable about something he has said, or done, and the feeling remains
- You make excuses for his character or minimize his behavior
- You tell your friends you are "unsure about the relationship"
- You think no one else in his life understands him
- You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you
- You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or present emotional pain
- You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him
- You feel bad about yourself when you are around him
This is not BDSM, this is not love, this is not admirable. This is abuse, and many, MANY women have come forward to say this; they say their abusers acted like Christian Grey. The fact that he has a fucking helicopter and pretty hair does not make him a Billionaire Bad Boy, they make him a terrible human with a ton of money.
The worst worst part? E.L. James has dismissed survivors who have contacted her to let her know that her book describes an abusive relationship. She has said she does not see what she's written as abuse. This is not negotiable, she is wrong, and she is now also a billionaire of being wrong.
Maybe the movie won't be like this, but then the movie wouldn't be Fifty Shades of Grey, and judging by the trailer, it will be.
"Okay, so what if I want to actually see it now? You can't stop me from doing that, and the movie's going to make money anyway!"
You're completely right! I cannot stop you from going, and this damn thing with its inexplicably good soundtrack??? (Twilight is to Muse what 50SoG is to Beyonce????) is gonna make a gazillion dollars no matter what you do. The two things I've heard so far that I like are
- Buy a ticket to a Better Movie (meaning probably any other movie? Idec go see The Hobbit again) and then sneak in to see this movie so you'll be able to critique it
I don't dislike this option, but it will probably not be the one I choose, because I am so uncomfortably a Good Girl that I cannot do anything Bad without having a gigantic bout of anxiety. Like, I felt bad at law school events taking the Lexis swag because I preferred Westlaw. I'm messed up, I get it.
Option 2!
- Donate whatever the cost of the ticket was and then some to a women's shelter
This one will be my option if I choose to see the movie, and I think it's a really good call.
I am not telling you you cannot see the movie. I'm not telling you you cannot like the book. I'm telling you to be aware that the book unarguably describes an abuser and is problematic as hell, so just be aware and critical of the media you consume.
And don't buy that bear oh my GOD do not buy that bear.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Hey everyone! I'm still working through where I want to go with this blog (especially considering that the title is no longer accurate!) but I reeeeally needed to write something and I know this is way late but lolol cultural relevancy what r u even so here's my letter to Peter Jackson about this movie
Dammit, Peter Jackson, I trusted you.
Your work with Lord of the Rings is exceptional, and while you clearly knew what you were doing with that, I was skeptical when I heard that you made The Hobbit into three movies, because I didn't believe there was enough material there. After seeing the first movie, I was convinced I was correct in my belief, but you changed my mind significantly with the second. I LIKED the second. The expansions you made to the plot were overall pretty great (hey there, Legolas!), Smaug looked wonderful, and I really felt involved in the story. I was super psyched to see the third one, even though I knew it was going to make me sad.
Then I went to see the third one. GodDAMMIT, Peter.
Okay, there were some things that were genuinely quite lovely. Lee Pace's eyebrows, for example. The dwarves riding in on pigs, because PIGGIES! And, um...yeah, mostly Lee Pace. Face, hair, general demeanor. Actual elvish perfection in every way. Fine, okay, yes, Thorin's death was incredibly well-shot and Martin Freeman's acting in the scene made me cry, but just because you can shoot a death scene does not let you off the goddamn hook, Mr. Jackson. Also using Billy Boyd's angel voice for the credits? My individual tears are crying, you jerk.
I knew there wasn't a whole lot left in the Smaug plotline from the book, but seriously dude? I know Benedict was probably pretty pricey, but you could literally have walked up to the CGI team and been like "we need to have a man drop from the sky and transform into a bear on the way down and then land into a battle and fuck shit up" and they would have done it for you (....OH WAIT YOU DID THAT HI BEORN HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CAMEO) so we couldn't have had like, a bit more dragon? Or some of the Necromancer that wasn't just a strobe light and the Minas Morgul track from RotK? And I get that Smaug's death is the ultimate in one-in-a-million shots but did we have to William Tell it up with Bard's kid? Come on, bro. It's a KID. We're gonna worry about the kid already, and then you gotta mount the freaking arrow of doom up on his shoulder? Kid, I don't know your name, but whatever you got paid for this movie, it wasn't nearly enough.
And Alfrid. What the HELL was up with Alfrid, bro? Did you give him and his unibrow individual contracts? Is that why we spent so much time filming him? And come on, man, no one read the script and was like "hey, this guy seems like an AlphaDouche, mayyyybe we shouldn't leave him in charge of everything?" Peter, come on, I realize you're going for comic relief, but letting Bard pick him out of everyone else to keep watch and then WHOOPSIES not noticing every elf in Mirkwood is on your front steps areyoukiddingme. People of Lake-town and Dale: I know you've got a gigantic leadership broner for Bard right now but his powers of delegation are CLEARLY lacking and perhaps you should place someone else (anyone else?) in charge. Like Thranduil's elk. Next time, Peter? More elk less Alfrid.
I was already super skeptical of Tauriel's plotline and general existence, and you went right ahead and proved my skepticism to be correct on literally every goddamn count. I would like whoever decided "why does it hurt so much? Because it was real" was an actual line that should be actually spoken and actually placed into the film to be publicly shamed. I would like you to tell me why we are so scared of giving women anything other than bows and short knives to fight that isn't "barely concealed phallic imagery when in the hands of women makes us uncomfortable so only boyz get the long sharp thingz kayyy." I would like you to offer a public apology to Fili, who has to be extraordinarily pissed off that his death was nothing more than a vehicle for the Dashboard Confessional, Romeo-and-Juliet, this-isn't-your-ordinary-love-story love story garbage, especially since his beard is CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR ONE.
And the White Council, Peter? Can we talk about that for a second? You gave them like two minutes of screentime after plastering Christopher Lee's face all over every promotional material that was made and it turned into The Expendables 19. How exactly did you explain this when you pitched the scene? SARUMAN. ELROND. GALADRIEL. GANDALF. They all reunite in a battle for the ages against the forces of evil that is given zero explanation and even less time and you kind of feel like Liam Neeson is gonna show up and shoot someone because everything old is there. Mr. Jackson, you gave us a Legolas backstory that is not canon nor was it relevant but we couldn't scrape together another couple thousand to keep the old guard on set for like, 10 more minutes? If you're going to make this scene, make this scene, sir! Don't throw McKellen and Blanchett around with some *~*cRAzY sAuROn'S eYe*~* graphics and then allow several thousand years of experience to arrive on-set looking like it's pissed that somewhere in the future, Aragorn is getting some and it's his daughter. MAKE THE EFFORT.
[Also if you listen carefully somewhere off in the distance Celeborn is screaming "I AM RELEVANT AND I MATTER AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED"]
And Thorin, man? Come ON. We've got the greatest vaguely dirty majestic face since Viggo and we go and give him draaaaaagon sicknesssss and some grandstanding? Richard Armitage, who thought out his on-screen character enough to justify why he doesn't have the long beard Tolkien wrote him with, was given about a hundred variations of "I'm really high and would kill for a burrito right now" except the burrito was the Arkenstone and you were somehow okay with this. I realize it had been a long time in the movies since anyone had worn the One Ring and you were annoyed that you couldn't put weird-ass effects but the gold thing really COME ON. And while I will give you credit for his actual death scene with Bilbo, the fight was ridiculous and you know it. Ice! Snow! Extra weapons! Uncertain kill shot! Slidey around on this iceberg wheeee! This is a dwarf king, a ridiculously talented beast-with-a-beard and you're going to let him get Oberyn'd because we didn't have nearly enough jumpshots and it's fun to stab people through the foot. Seriously just give Legolas like 18 more trick shots and call it a day because you need to stop, sir.
Just...dammit, man. You won ten years ago. This was a kids' book. I trusted you, man, and you let me down.
Dammit, Peter Jackson, I trusted you.
Your work with Lord of the Rings is exceptional, and while you clearly knew what you were doing with that, I was skeptical when I heard that you made The Hobbit into three movies, because I didn't believe there was enough material there. After seeing the first movie, I was convinced I was correct in my belief, but you changed my mind significantly with the second. I LIKED the second. The expansions you made to the plot were overall pretty great (hey there, Legolas!), Smaug looked wonderful, and I really felt involved in the story. I was super psyched to see the third one, even though I knew it was going to make me sad.
Then I went to see the third one. GodDAMMIT, Peter.
Okay, there were some things that were genuinely quite lovely. Lee Pace's eyebrows, for example. The dwarves riding in on pigs, because PIGGIES! And, um...yeah, mostly Lee Pace. Face, hair, general demeanor. Actual elvish perfection in every way. Fine, okay, yes, Thorin's death was incredibly well-shot and Martin Freeman's acting in the scene made me cry, but just because you can shoot a death scene does not let you off the goddamn hook, Mr. Jackson. Also using Billy Boyd's angel voice for the credits? My individual tears are crying, you jerk.
I knew there wasn't a whole lot left in the Smaug plotline from the book, but seriously dude? I know Benedict was probably pretty pricey, but you could literally have walked up to the CGI team and been like "we need to have a man drop from the sky and transform into a bear on the way down and then land into a battle and fuck shit up" and they would have done it for you (....OH WAIT YOU DID THAT HI BEORN HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR CAMEO) so we couldn't have had like, a bit more dragon? Or some of the Necromancer that wasn't just a strobe light and the Minas Morgul track from RotK? And I get that Smaug's death is the ultimate in one-in-a-million shots but did we have to William Tell it up with Bard's kid? Come on, bro. It's a KID. We're gonna worry about the kid already, and then you gotta mount the freaking arrow of doom up on his shoulder? Kid, I don't know your name, but whatever you got paid for this movie, it wasn't nearly enough.
And Alfrid. What the HELL was up with Alfrid, bro? Did you give him and his unibrow individual contracts? Is that why we spent so much time filming him? And come on, man, no one read the script and was like "hey, this guy seems like an AlphaDouche, mayyyybe we shouldn't leave him in charge of everything?" Peter, come on, I realize you're going for comic relief, but letting Bard pick him out of everyone else to keep watch and then WHOOPSIES not noticing every elf in Mirkwood is on your front steps areyoukiddingme. People of Lake-town and Dale: I know you've got a gigantic leadership broner for Bard right now but his powers of delegation are CLEARLY lacking and perhaps you should place someone else (anyone else?) in charge. Like Thranduil's elk. Next time, Peter? More elk less Alfrid.
I was already super skeptical of Tauriel's plotline and general existence, and you went right ahead and proved my skepticism to be correct on literally every goddamn count. I would like whoever decided "why does it hurt so much? Because it was real" was an actual line that should be actually spoken and actually placed into the film to be publicly shamed. I would like you to tell me why we are so scared of giving women anything other than bows and short knives to fight that isn't "barely concealed phallic imagery when in the hands of women makes us uncomfortable so only boyz get the long sharp thingz kayyy." I would like you to offer a public apology to Fili, who has to be extraordinarily pissed off that his death was nothing more than a vehicle for the Dashboard Confessional, Romeo-and-Juliet, this-isn't-your-ordinary-love-story love story garbage, especially since his beard is CLEARLY THE SUPERIOR ONE.
And the White Council, Peter? Can we talk about that for a second? You gave them like two minutes of screentime after plastering Christopher Lee's face all over every promotional material that was made and it turned into The Expendables 19. How exactly did you explain this when you pitched the scene? SARUMAN. ELROND. GALADRIEL. GANDALF. They all reunite in a battle for the ages against the forces of evil that is given zero explanation and even less time and you kind of feel like Liam Neeson is gonna show up and shoot someone because everything old is there. Mr. Jackson, you gave us a Legolas backstory that is not canon nor was it relevant but we couldn't scrape together another couple thousand to keep the old guard on set for like, 10 more minutes? If you're going to make this scene, make this scene, sir! Don't throw McKellen and Blanchett around with some *~*cRAzY sAuROn'S eYe*~* graphics and then allow several thousand years of experience to arrive on-set looking like it's pissed that somewhere in the future, Aragorn is getting some and it's his daughter. MAKE THE EFFORT.
[Also if you listen carefully somewhere off in the distance Celeborn is screaming "I AM RELEVANT AND I MATTER AND I WILL NOT BE IGNORED"]
And Thorin, man? Come ON. We've got the greatest vaguely dirty majestic face since Viggo and we go and give him draaaaaagon sicknesssss and some grandstanding? Richard Armitage, who thought out his on-screen character enough to justify why he doesn't have the long beard Tolkien wrote him with, was given about a hundred variations of "I'm really high and would kill for a burrito right now" except the burrito was the Arkenstone and you were somehow okay with this. I realize it had been a long time in the movies since anyone had worn the One Ring and you were annoyed that you couldn't put weird-ass effects but the gold thing really COME ON. And while I will give you credit for his actual death scene with Bilbo, the fight was ridiculous and you know it. Ice! Snow! Extra weapons! Uncertain kill shot! Slidey around on this iceberg wheeee! This is a dwarf king, a ridiculously talented beast-with-a-beard and you're going to let him get Oberyn'd because we didn't have nearly enough jumpshots and it's fun to stab people through the foot. Seriously just give Legolas like 18 more trick shots and call it a day because you need to stop, sir.
Just...dammit, man. You won ten years ago. This was a kids' book. I trusted you, man, and you let me down.
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