I gots me a Twitter account because some lovely ladies (pertussisAdrienneandScuzzopertussis) pushed me to do so. I'ma be funny in short burts, which is probably good because sometimes my focus sucks too much to make a full blog post. I'm CCozzetto on it (I think? I'll edit this if I got that wrong) and I'll see if I can confine my brilliance to just a few characters.
In other news, we got our brief, and because it is somewhat related to a potentially unlawful search, I'll be DAMNED if I can't get a 99 Problems quote in there. If the line don't fit, you must... use a line from Ridin' Dirty instead. OH yeah, REFERENCES yeahhhh.
Additionally, I currently have no voice (or very little voice), and since I really, REALLY like to say stuff about pretty much everything, joining Twitter was probs a really excellent call. Megaphone for the internet, and especially croosh when I sound like I'm going through puberty again, but as a boy. Y'all with the Y chromosome had it rough.
Speaking of not having enough focus for a real post... whaddup this be the end. The Rim of the Discworld. The arch and curtain in the Department of Mysteries. The Wall in Westeros. Enough nerdy references?
I'm trying to figure one out for the Sword of Truth series but "the underworld" isn't quite a nerdy reference, and none of my rap idols have a good one. So I'm done, but only because I can't think of more.
All the ballers is bouncin', they like the way I be leanin'.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Coming and going.
Yes, I've been in school forever, so this is a pet peeve of mine and may not apply to everyone, but you have to remember a time that it did apply, right?
Going into and leaving classrooms is an art. An art that apparently got cut by the school budget for Life, The Elementary School because no one seems to know how to do it. I'm going to start with how to enter a classroom first and we'll work our way up, shall we?
Don't stand by the door like the classroom is gonna suddenly turn into a subway car and dash away without notice. People need to get out before you can get in, and all you're accomplishing by not moving your dumb body is making people hate you, and gridlock. My favorite people who do this are the ones with both a huge backpack and textbooks in their arms, so when you ask them (or push them... I make things happen) to move, they respond like concussed turtles and the resulting movement is marginally slower than continental drift. Wh..what? You need me to... to move?? I don't understand, I wanna get in my classroom, why are all these people hereeee whiiiiiine...
Other. people. use. this. room. I understand the fun in getting there early and setting up, but sometimes the classroom has other people in it. Please get that through your brain and stop acting like you deserve reparations for the fact that someone else had the nerve to worship at YOUR Temple of Learning.
Aaaaaaalso, if you're waiting outside the room, your voice WILL travel and it WILL disturb the people inside. And if, say, a person in the classroom comes out and aks, for example, "hey guys, I'm sorry, but we can hear you in here, do you mind keeping it down?" (not a direct quote or anything), the correct response is generally something along the lines of "oh, sorry!" or "we'll be quieter." It is decidedly NOT "what time does your class end?" Not f***ing NOW, champ, so please shut it for the next nine minutes so I can hear what the poor student who just got cold-called is saying from the back of the Classroom The Size of an Average Balkan Republic. You can wait your turn for the carousel and shut it until then, got it?
But apparently you don't and instead jump immediately into Goldfish Mode and forget within 90 seconds anything anyone's ever told you, ever, so your voice, two minutes later, not only matches but exceeds the decibel level you were reaching before. Also, this remix of "Loud Hallway Talkers" has DJ Sux2BU adding his trademark braying laugh so it absolutely guarantees you can't hear a damn thing about contracts. I will hunt you down, Mr. Laughter, and you will never laugh again.
Now, if you're attempting to leave a classroom, the general goal of "don't annoy every being around you" still stands, but there are some specifics, of course. Like, don't take 8 years to pack up your stuff if people are streaming in. Like, that conversation can probably happen anywhere so you need to tell your biffle that you'll 1, 2, meet her outside, and then do that.
Biggest problem (people getting off of escalators do this too, and I have no idea why): people who take two steps outside the classroom, and stop. Unless someone just hit you with a Body-Bind Curse, there is no reason to look around you like the second floor hallway is the 8th Wonder of the Ancient World. "Oh, my God, the track lighting in this hallway is even prettier than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! I shall GROW ROOTS and NEVER MOVE and all the people behind me who are just trying to get to lunch BE DAMNED."
All of this can be boiled down to spatial awareness and not being an ass. Go forth and be not annoying.
Going into and leaving classrooms is an art. An art that apparently got cut by the school budget for Life, The Elementary School because no one seems to know how to do it. I'm going to start with how to enter a classroom first and we'll work our way up, shall we?
Don't stand by the door like the classroom is gonna suddenly turn into a subway car and dash away without notice. People need to get out before you can get in, and all you're accomplishing by not moving your dumb body is making people hate you, and gridlock. My favorite people who do this are the ones with both a huge backpack and textbooks in their arms, so when you ask them (or push them... I make things happen) to move, they respond like concussed turtles and the resulting movement is marginally slower than continental drift. Wh..what? You need me to... to move?? I don't understand, I wanna get in my classroom, why are all these people hereeee whiiiiiine...
Other. people. use. this. room. I understand the fun in getting there early and setting up, but sometimes the classroom has other people in it. Please get that through your brain and stop acting like you deserve reparations for the fact that someone else had the nerve to worship at YOUR Temple of Learning.
Aaaaaaalso, if you're waiting outside the room, your voice WILL travel and it WILL disturb the people inside. And if, say, a person in the classroom comes out and aks, for example, "hey guys, I'm sorry, but we can hear you in here, do you mind keeping it down?" (not a direct quote or anything), the correct response is generally something along the lines of "oh, sorry!" or "we'll be quieter." It is decidedly NOT "what time does your class end?" Not f***ing NOW, champ, so please shut it for the next nine minutes so I can hear what the poor student who just got cold-called is saying from the back of the Classroom The Size of an Average Balkan Republic. You can wait your turn for the carousel and shut it until then, got it?
But apparently you don't and instead jump immediately into Goldfish Mode and forget within 90 seconds anything anyone's ever told you, ever, so your voice, two minutes later, not only matches but exceeds the decibel level you were reaching before. Also, this remix of "Loud Hallway Talkers" has DJ Sux2BU adding his trademark braying laugh so it absolutely guarantees you can't hear a damn thing about contracts. I will hunt you down, Mr. Laughter, and you will never laugh again.
Now, if you're attempting to leave a classroom, the general goal of "don't annoy every being around you" still stands, but there are some specifics, of course. Like, don't take 8 years to pack up your stuff if people are streaming in. Like, that conversation can probably happen anywhere so you need to tell your biffle that you'll 1, 2, meet her outside, and then do that.
Biggest problem (people getting off of escalators do this too, and I have no idea why): people who take two steps outside the classroom, and stop. Unless someone just hit you with a Body-Bind Curse, there is no reason to look around you like the second floor hallway is the 8th Wonder of the Ancient World. "Oh, my God, the track lighting in this hallway is even prettier than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! I shall GROW ROOTS and NEVER MOVE and all the people behind me who are just trying to get to lunch BE DAMNED."
All of this can be boiled down to spatial awareness and not being an ass. Go forth and be not annoying.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
OMGPS.
Class tomorrow. Instead of doing something productive, I am boozing and blogging. By boozing I mean "drinking a beer slow enough for it to no longer be cold by the time I'm done," but I want alliteration dammit.
Disclaimer: I have a terrible sense of direction. I have to be told how to get to a place about a dozen times before I can do it on my own, I never have any clue where north or south or any direction is, and I need about seven minutes of notice if I have to turn (eight if it's a left turn). So, hypothetically, a GPS would be the best possible thing for me to own.
Hypothetically is half right. If I already kind of know where I'm going, or I'm just checking an exit number, or I need to get to a highway but can find my way once I get there, the thing is pure gold. However, if I already know EXACTLY where I'm going or have no clue, it's a disaster, as I found out today (and my long-suffering sister got to experience... but I really don't feel too bad since she napped two times in the hour and forty five minute drive from PA to Baltimore.)
If I already know exactly where I'm going, the GPS does nothing but make me panic. It'll tell me a different direction to go than what I'm used to, and just make me scared. This is why I turn it off when coming home from Nova: I get over the Goethals (aside: I have hairs wider than this bridge) and the Verrazano, and the lovely GPS automatically gets an electronic hard-on for the BQE. I HATE the BQE and refuse to take it, so I turn the thing off and go my own way.
If I have no idea where I'm going, I both don't trust the thing, and can't follow its directions. Why are we going north? This road doesn't sound familiar. Do I turn here? Wait, HERE? WAIT, WHERE'S THE GODDAMN TURN?! You've got to be kidding me; I missed it.
It's a blast. I also adore the thing's inability to pronounce anything other than a profession or an Anglo first name (it got confused with "Charlesmeade Street"), so that just adds to my confusion.
And the voice. Let's not even start with the voice. Andrew deserves a shout out, here, because my lovely worse half decided it would be a great idea to do the GPS voice for a 25-minute car ride. Normally, I have no problem striking him, but I was driving so he got away with it. I think the voice is meant to be soothing, but to me it's grating, mostly because of the incorrect pauses and inflections in the sentence. Therefore, I react incorrectly.
GPS: "In .5 miles, turn right onto exit 12."
Normal person: "Okay, the turn's coming up."
Me: "AWESOME, GPS, I'll totally count the stupid mile markers until I have to turn. I know that's the exit, you idiot. And I have to turn right? No WAY I figured I'd have to throw this Toyota in reverse to accomplish that feat! Thank God I have you!!!"
GPS: "In 64 miles, turn left to stay on I-95."
Normal person: "Wow, this is gonna take a while."
Me: "FANTASTIC. Did you really have to tell me that this part of the drive was going to be as long as watching all of the Land Before Time movies back-to-back? When PEOPLE give directions, they just say it's gonna take forever, or some variant. Normal PEOPLE do not give me linear measurements of the Goddamn Oregon Trail I have to traverse to get to Baltimore. Wanna tell me the cubic centimeters of gas I have left in my tank? How about the degrees Celsius I have to reach so that you melt into a tiny pile of plastic and missed satellite connections? WHAT NOW."
GPS: "Recalculating."
Normal person: "Gosh darn, I guess I missed the street it told me to turn on."
Me: "F*** YOU AND ALL YOUR ANCESTORS. MAPS, COMPASSES, EVEN THE SUN."
So maybe I've got a bit of an anger problem. I think it's that I expect the thing to function as a low-rent form of Apparition and when it still actually takes time to get me somewhere, I get bored and angry.
I also think that a truck driver on 695 caught me singing "Change In My Life" super loudly in what was essentially a bass voice. Sexy. Whatever. I been lonely, I been cheated, I been misunderstoooood...
Disclaimer: I have a terrible sense of direction. I have to be told how to get to a place about a dozen times before I can do it on my own, I never have any clue where north or south or any direction is, and I need about seven minutes of notice if I have to turn (eight if it's a left turn). So, hypothetically, a GPS would be the best possible thing for me to own.
Hypothetically is half right. If I already kind of know where I'm going, or I'm just checking an exit number, or I need to get to a highway but can find my way once I get there, the thing is pure gold. However, if I already know EXACTLY where I'm going or have no clue, it's a disaster, as I found out today (and my long-suffering sister got to experience... but I really don't feel too bad since she napped two times in the hour and forty five minute drive from PA to Baltimore.)
If I already know exactly where I'm going, the GPS does nothing but make me panic. It'll tell me a different direction to go than what I'm used to, and just make me scared. This is why I turn it off when coming home from Nova: I get over the Goethals (aside: I have hairs wider than this bridge) and the Verrazano, and the lovely GPS automatically gets an electronic hard-on for the BQE. I HATE the BQE and refuse to take it, so I turn the thing off and go my own way.
If I have no idea where I'm going, I both don't trust the thing, and can't follow its directions. Why are we going north? This road doesn't sound familiar. Do I turn here? Wait, HERE? WAIT, WHERE'S THE GODDAMN TURN?! You've got to be kidding me; I missed it.
It's a blast. I also adore the thing's inability to pronounce anything other than a profession or an Anglo first name (it got confused with "Charlesmeade Street"), so that just adds to my confusion.
And the voice. Let's not even start with the voice. Andrew deserves a shout out, here, because my lovely worse half decided it would be a great idea to do the GPS voice for a 25-minute car ride. Normally, I have no problem striking him, but I was driving so he got away with it. I think the voice is meant to be soothing, but to me it's grating, mostly because of the incorrect pauses and inflections in the sentence. Therefore, I react incorrectly.
GPS: "In .5 miles, turn right onto exit 12."
Normal person: "Okay, the turn's coming up."
Me: "AWESOME, GPS, I'll totally count the stupid mile markers until I have to turn. I know that's the exit, you idiot. And I have to turn right? No WAY I figured I'd have to throw this Toyota in reverse to accomplish that feat! Thank God I have you!!!"
GPS: "In 64 miles, turn left to stay on I-95."
Normal person: "Wow, this is gonna take a while."
Me: "FANTASTIC. Did you really have to tell me that this part of the drive was going to be as long as watching all of the Land Before Time movies back-to-back? When PEOPLE give directions, they just say it's gonna take forever, or some variant. Normal PEOPLE do not give me linear measurements of the Goddamn Oregon Trail I have to traverse to get to Baltimore. Wanna tell me the cubic centimeters of gas I have left in my tank? How about the degrees Celsius I have to reach so that you melt into a tiny pile of plastic and missed satellite connections? WHAT NOW."
GPS: "Recalculating."
Normal person: "Gosh darn, I guess I missed the street it told me to turn on."
Me: "F*** YOU AND ALL YOUR ANCESTORS. MAPS, COMPASSES, EVEN THE SUN."
So maybe I've got a bit of an anger problem. I think it's that I expect the thing to function as a low-rent form of Apparition and when it still actually takes time to get me somewhere, I get bored and angry.
I also think that a truck driver on 695 caught me singing "Change In My Life" super loudly in what was essentially a bass voice. Sexy. Whatever. I been lonely, I been cheated, I been misunderstoooood...
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